Home
Wounded Souls
Fanfiction
Title: Unbroken (3/4)
Author: Asuka Jenius
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: J/P despite P/T
Feedback: Please ([email protected])
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything but me.
“Remember when I was working with the Captain and Tuvok to flush out Jonas? It was some five or six years ago…Seska was still around hassling us with her Kazon friends?” Harry nodded. “Well, you know, I was spending an awful lot of time with the Captain ‘cause I wasn’t supposed to have any friends and only she and Tuvok knew the truth. I’m sure you understand why I chose to spend time with Kathryn over Tuvok…”
It began so innocently. She knew I was lonely, she knew her little plot was partly to blame. We started spending a few off-duty hours together. We’d shoot a little pool, have a few drinks, went for walks, sometimes talked hours into the night. Anyone who saw us just thought the Captain was trying to reign in her wayward helmsman. At first I sought her out when I was lonely or had had a round with Chakotay. She understood like no one else could how hard it was to even pretend to be the man everybody thought I was. But soon I was looking to her for everything. We had fun. She understood me…and wanted to understand me…like no one else had in some time. And then there were the times when I helped her unwind after a long day. It made me feel so good to be able to do that for her. Just the little things, but I was there for her and I think she knew it. To me she was more than The Captain. She was Kathryn. I began to dream she could be my Kathryn.
The night before I left on my secret mission, after I’d said all my goodbyes and packed all my things…I had to see her before I left. It was the middle of the night and I was sneaking into my captain’s quarters, me the bad seed of Voyager who was being thrown off-ship the very next day. I almost laughed out loud at the absurdity. I almost didn’t go through with it.
She opened the door and just looked at me. Just looked. She knew exactly why I was there. She’d been waiting for me. She took a step back into her room and she was swallowed up in darkness. Swallowed up as if inside a secret never to be told.
We never said a word. We didn’t need to, this is what we wanted. What we’d wanted since she’d first come to Auckland. It didn’t take long at all once we’d started. Our clothes hit the floor. I let myself get lost in her hair her long, beautiful, soft hair. Her tiny, happy noises echoed in the dark…I wanted to cry out loud but I followed her lead. Our first kisses were fast and furious but as our hunger for each other was sated we started to play.
We were free. She wasn’t my Captain and I wasn’t her problem child. No one was watching, no one was judging, no one was requiring anything of us. It was magical, we spent hours just touching, exploring, learning all the ins and outs of our bodies. She was so small, almost fragile in my arms. I wanted to envelop her, protect her from the dark and the ship and all the people and problems she’d confided in me about…and all the thousands more she couldn’t ever tell me. She was always so strong for me and for everyone else, I wanted to be strong for her. I wanted to be everything for her. And in that instant when we finally came together fully…
I loved her.
The next day I left the ship. The ruse went exactly as planned. Seska picked me up and I was able to discover Jonas was the traitor. I was afraid; afraid I’d fail Kathryn…afraid I wouldn’t get back…afraid she’d never know how I felt. But I got back, safe and sound and Jonas got what was coming to him. I was almost…a hero. Suddenly, all the hostility that had been building up, threatening to overtake me, disappeared. People actually congratulated me, thanked me. They were looking at me like they wanted me on board. Like I was worth something. Even Chakotay. But all I wanted was a smile from Kathryn. And she wouldn t even meet my eyes.
I saw her that night. It hadn’t been that long but I’d missed her. As it turns out she missed me too.
“Tom, you’ve become…important to me. Too important. If I let my emotions run away with me I won’t be able to be the Captain. I have to stop this before... ” Her shoulders were squared and her shields were at maximum. She looked more vulnerable than I’d ever seen her.
I tried to talk to her, explain I’d never interfere with her command structure explain I understood, I’d been the Admiral’s Son, I knew what 'command relationship' meant…She wouldn’t listen. Said it was better for me to pretend nothing ever happened.
I agreed to give her time, I backed off. But I kept trying to come back every once and again. No one had ever been what she was to me. I didn’t want to let it go. I tried to. I tried to fall for someone else. I chased B’Elanna. I even chatted up Chakotay now and then. There were times I thought she’d turned to him, but it soon became apparent her abstinence from the crew was not directed solely at me. Finally, I visited her in the middle of the night, just like before.
“Tom…” I hushed her, I’d heard what she would say before. This time I wanted to say something.
“Before Voyager saved us, B’Elanna and I were pretty sure we weren’t coming home. We said a few things we maybe wouldn’t have…” She looked bewildered at first, then almost frightened. I knew what she thought, “No, nothing like that, Kathryn, I wouldn’t betray your trust. I feel awful betraying B’Elanna's but I need to tell you. She…she told me…she said ‘I love you’…I mean she loves me.” Kathryn looked confused a moment but then her face broke into a happy smile and she grasped me.
“Tom! That’s wonderful! I’m so happy for you!!” So happy. I don’t much remember what happened next.
** *
“I threw myself into my relationship with B’Elanna. I pulled away from the Captain. I even defied her. I banished every thought of her. I tried to exile her from my thoughts, my heart.” I try to explain to Harry but I can’t even explain to myself. “And I love B’Elanna. It worked because I made it work. But now, now just when my happy ending is in sight…I can’t stop thinking about her. Thinking about what could have been…what should have been…and even what is. I don’t think I ever stopped loving her Harry. I wanted to. I pretended to. But…” I looked at him, I didn’t have the words anymore.
“You have to tell her.” He spoke so quietly I almost missed it.
“I know. She’ll hate me.” I started pacing wildly, “I never told her about Kathryn. My god, what will she think of me.?” B’Elanna, I’m sorry. You deserve so much more.
“No, Tom. You have to tell her.” He stopped me and pulled me into a seat. “B’Elanna won’t hate you. She’ll be angry and she has every right to be – Sh! – She won’t hate you. But forget B’Elanna for just a minute, you have to tell the Captain what you just told me. She deserves to know.”
“I tried to tell her last night, but I couldn’t.”
“Try again. If you love her, and I know you do, you have to keep trying until she hears you, until she listens. And then, whatever happens, you have to let go.”
*End Part 3*
Set
a course...
Home
Wounded Souls
Fanfiction