"Unbroken"

 

Title: Unbroken (4/4)
Author: Asuka Jenius
Rating: PG Pairing: J/P despite P/T
Feedback: Please ([email protected])
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything but me.

“Janeway to Paris.” I expected that. As soon as she heard, there she was.

“Paris here.”

“Tom.” She spoke softly, I couldn’t read her voice. “Is it true?” No need to clarify.

“Yes.” I spoke softly, too. I waited for her response. Hours seemed to pass in those seconds. What must she be thinking?

“Where are you?”

“Holodeck three.” I held my breath.

“I’ll be right there. Janeway out.” She’ll be right here. A thousand thoughts fought for my attention. My mind is spinning, my heart is racing. A part of me wants to hide, avoid the confrontation or whatever it is. But Harry’s right, I have to face this. I can’t hide anymore.

The doors open in the sky. The program I’d designed for the wedding is still running. I couldn’t bring myself to end it. I don’t deserve such an easy way out. I watch as she walks in, taking in the surroundings. It’s actually very generic, rather little of myself or B’Elanna is apparent. When I was designing the program, it seemed more important to finish it than to make it mine…ours…

Kathryn almost ran in, but now she’s paused. The door closes up behind her, blending in again. In the brief instant when the door was disappearing it seemed Kathryn was part of the illusion. Though she was carrying herself with her usual insurmountable authority, in that moment her beating heart and quietly flickering eyes betrayed her. And as quickly the moment passed. Her Captain’s Mantle was in place, her stormy eyes unreadable.

“It’s beautiful, Tom.” She smiles ever so slightly at me, a knowing smile. “But not you.”

“No.” I agree. Funny, how well she knows me. She comes over to where I’m sitting, my back to the perfect blue sky, the slight breeze blows around us. She watches me for a moment, I find I can meet her gaze without fear or pain. She senses something different, I can tell she’s surprised by my demeanor. I’m a little surprised myself.

“Where’s B’Elanna?” she asks.

“I’m not sure. With Harry, maybe…” I don’t know where she went when she left. None of my business anymore. I wonder if she’ll ever forgive me…she didn’t seem that surprised or even upset, like she always knew. Like she understood. I think that makes it worse.

“How is she?” Again, she follows my train of thought.

“I…don’t know.” I answer honestly. “She was very quiet, not at all like B’Elanna. Well, maybe it was like recent B’Elanna. I…well I hope maybe the B’Elanna she was before…maybe she’ll come back….”

“Is that why…?” There’s anger in her voice though she’s trying to keep control.

“No.” I answer simply. I look at her. She’s so beautiful, struggling to ignore the truth, trying desperately to hold on to her temper, her emotions, herself.

“And you?” she asks, denying herself the obvious question. “How do you feel?”

“Drained. Sad. Alone.” I smile as best I can under the circumstances. “Pretty awful, really.”

“Do you want to talk?” Still backing off, still not asking, still afraid to hear the truth. I’m sorry, Kathryn, the truth can’t hold any longer. I look at her. Maybe that’s unfair. She is here. She is trying. She is willing to listen. Still afraid, but…here.

“Yes….thank you.” She sits beside me. “I was scared. Just like you said, I was scared. But the more I looked into why I was scared…” Here goes nothing. “B’Elanna is the best thing that ever happened to me. She showed me I could be loved. I know I had something of a reputation coming onboard…Hell, I had a reputation for everything didn’t I? And yeah, I’d had lots of relationships. But you know, I don’t think anyone had ever been in love with me before B’Elanna. She never asked for anything in return. She just gave herself over to me. And as I walked the ship last night it occurred to me that that is what love is. To lose yourself in someone else…to put them first, before everyone and everything else, even your own happiness. And I almost started to cry because B’Elanna deserves so much better than me.”

“Tom, that’s not true,! Stop selling yourself so short…B’Elanna loves you because – “ I put my finger up to her mouth to stop her. I needed her to listen. I needed her to understand.

“Shhh. Listen to me. B’Elanna deserves someone who loves her the way she loves me. And I am not that person.”

“But how do you know, that, maybe…” I shake my head and she stops, tears alight her eyes. I reach a hand out and catch a small tear. I smile crookedly at her.

“Why are you crying?” The question jumps out of me; it’s awkwardly asked and I almost laugh, but I don’t want her to think I’m laughing at her tears.

“I don’t know.” She shakes her head and starts to cry in earnest. “I don’t know! I just want you to be happy…I thought…I thought B’Elanna would make you happy. I wanted…I wanted…I don’t know…” She was babbling and she knew it…she started to shake. I pulled her into an embrace. Her tears continue to fall, wetting my uniform. I hold her close, her soft hair up against my cheek. She speaks softly into my shoulder, “I just want you to be happy.”

“I know.” I speak softly, cradling her head, smoothing her hair. “I know. And I wanted you to be happy. I fell in love with B’Elanna to make you happy. But look at us now…doesn’t make much sense does it?”

She looks up at me, looks right at me, her eyes are clear and full of promise. “No.” she agrees, laughter barely but surely in her voice, “I suppose not.”

“I love you, Kathryn. If I have to wait for you, I will. But I can’t deny it anymore. It’s not fair to me or anybody I try to have a relationship with. I love you.” I spoke simply and honestly. This was not a revelation, it was a truth. A truth that had been hidden too long in a promise unbroken until today.

She looked at me. Really looked, like she hadn’t in a while, at least not while I was looking. Harry’d said sometimes he caught her watching me and had wondered. This must have been that look. She didn’t say a word. She didn’t have to. Her eyes, brimming with tears once again, said it all.

We didn’t leave the holodeck for some time, and when we did, it was hand in hand.

**The End**.

 

 

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