Have a Laugh on Me 6
New meds for women:
Damitol
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.
St. MoM'S WORT
A plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
Empty Nestrogen
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
Peptobimbo
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
Dumerol
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q.causing enjoyment of country western music.
Flipitor
Increases life expectancy of commuters by ontrolling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Antiboyotics
When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
Menicillin
Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person... can we get naked now?"
Buyagra
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength Buy-One-all
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donny Osmond CD or a book by Dr. laura.
JackAsspirin
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
Antitalksident
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
Sexcedrin
More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear,I have a headache," syndrome.
Ragamat
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
The twelve days of Christmas
December 14, 1972
My dearest darling George,
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always,
Agnes
December 15, 1972
Dearest George,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine: two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
December 16, 1972
Dear George,
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling, but I must insist, you've been too kind.
All my love,
Agnes
December 17, 1972
Dear George,
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
December 18, 1972
Dearest George,
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
December 19, 1972
Dear George,
When I opened my door today, there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So, you're back to the birds again, huh? These geese are huge! Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
December 20, 1972
George,
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck.
It's not funny, so do something about these freaking birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
December 21, 1972
OK Buster,
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking,
but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.
Agnes
December 22, 1972
Hey Shithead,
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ, do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours!!
Agnes
December 23, 1972
You rotten prick,
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling the pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpeonaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you!
Agnes
December 24, 1972
Listen Fuckhead,
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead; they've been trampled in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
December 25, 1972
Dear Sir,
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Law offices of Badger, Bender and Chole
(if you want to know what this song is really all about, click here.)
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