How to Say "I Love You" in 20 Different Languages (takes a while to load)
Memo to all employees:
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.).
We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don't take their S. H. I. T. will be placed in DEPARTMENT EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.). All Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.).
For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).
Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T.) and The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training. (The D.U.M.B. S.H.I.T.).
Pronunciation Poem
I take it you already know
of tough and bough and cough and dough?
Others may stumble, but not you,
on hiccough, thorough, laugh and through.
Well done! And now you wish, perhaps,
to learn of less familiar traps?
Beware of heard, a dreadful word,
that looks like beard and sounds like bird.
And dead -- it's said like bed not bead --
and for goodness' sake don't call it deed!
Watch out for meat and great and threat
(They rhyme with suite and straight and debt)
A moth is not the moth in mother,
nor both in bother, broth in brother.
And here is not a match for there,
nor dear and fear for bear and pear.
And then there's dose and rose and lose --
just look them up -- and goose and choose,
and cork and work and card and ward,
and font and front and word and sword,
and do and go and thwart and cart --
come, come I've hardly made a start.
A dreadful language? Man alive.
I'd mastered it when I was five.
Anonymous
Subj: Why did the chicken cross the road
JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it: the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
Dr. Seuss:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die. In the rain.
GRANDPA:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX:
It was a historical inevitability.
RONALD REAGAN:
What chicken?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
THE BIBLE:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken,"Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS:
I missed one?
Is it Bush or is it a chimp?
What is your prison bitch name?
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