There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theater where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You must walk on to the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line: 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage and with great passion delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The theater erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter, and the director was steaming. "You bloody fool!" he cried. "You have ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered. "What happened, did I forget my line?" he asked.
"No!" the director screamed. "You forgot the bloody rose!"
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Star Wars Lost Script
INT: CLOUD CITY, BESPIN GANTRY
A furious lightsaber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry. A quick Errol Flynn move by Vader,and Luke's hand goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft! Luke cries out, holding his stub arm. He backs away, looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down.
Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.
Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!
Vader: No... I am your father!
Luke: No!!! I's not true! It's impossible.
Vader: Search your feelings... you know it to be true...
Luke: (in tears) NOOOOOO!
Vader: Yes, it is true.. and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?
Luke: Threepio?
Vader: Yeah, Threepio. I built him-when I was 7 years old.
Luke: No wonder he's such a pain in the neck!
Vader: Seven years old! And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp...
Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star!
Vader: When you were, what, 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a shielded Trade Federation Droid Control ship ...with a lucky shot!
Luke: Well, I used to bulls-eye womp rats in my T-16 racing through Beggar's Canyon...
Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor! Ten years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open, only human to ever fly a Pod Racer... Right here, baby!
Luke: (looking dejected) But, but, it's not my fault...
Vader: Oh! Here we go... "Poor me! My father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday... Boo-Hoo... My daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith...Waahhh! Waahhh!"
Luke: (stammering) Shut up! Shut UP!!!
Vader: You're a slacker! You think *I* had a Dad there for *me*? Ha! *I* was conceived by the midicholorians and raised by my mother in slavery! But by the time I was your age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!
Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.
Vader: I was wrong... You know what - you're not my kid! You're not good enough to be my kid!
Luke, in tears, takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft. Darth Vader looks after him...
Vader: And get a haircut!
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The following are actual ads placed in the Personal section of the Ministry of Sound magazine (UK Clubbing/Lifestyle Magazine):
ARE YOU AGED 18-30, female, slim build, into hardcore techno, a recent graduate and into politics? Then F##k off! I want a shit-thick 16 year old bird with no opinions and massive tits! Reply to box. xxxx
WERE YOU THE GIRL with braids, blue T-shirt, platform trainers, dancing to left of the stage during JFK's set at Passion last Friday? I was the guy curled up under the speaker stack. I meant to talk to you but I was hallucinating and I thought you had a wolf's head and flippers. But I'm ok now. Reply to xxxx
ATTENTION ALL MAD clubheads in the Toxteth area going to Cream this weekend. Me and my mates are going to nick all you valuables while you're out because we're thieving scally b**tards. Reply to xxxx
IF YOU ARE a group of around four house fans in the Acton High Street area of West London and you're particularly into old skool Chicago sounds, please turn your stereo down because some of us are f**king trying to get some sleep. Reply to xxxx
ARE YOU THE TALL BLACK-HAIRED GUY in the black and silver Versace shirt who I shagged in the Ministry toilets about three months ago without any form of birth control? Please write to me. I'd... ummmm... love to hear from you. Just to see how you are and stuff. Don't worry, there's nothing to worry about. Really. It's just that I'm going to have a... ummm... a PARTY! Yes, that's it. A party. Reply xxxx
WANTED: COCAINE. Lots of it. Reply to xxxx
WERE YOU THE man standing three feet away from me at the bar in Fabric, smiling weakly and smelling rather too strongly of Issey Miyake? Because if you look at my tits one more time, I am going to glass you. Reply to xxxx
"Warning: Wheel-chair-eating crocodile at bottom of hill."
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Signs of the Times
On a laundromat washing machine: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
On a College Bulletin Board: The seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.
Outside a disco: MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN EVERYONE WELCOME
On a maternity room door: PUSH. PUSH. PUSH.
In an Office: Warning: Dates On Calendar Are Closer Than They Appear.
Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE: $1 PER PRE-PACKED BAG - 25 CENTS DO-IT-YOURSELF
In a cleaner's shop: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF
On a Secretary's Desk: The buck doesn't even slow down here!
In a hotel: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.
In a department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
On a repair shop: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING Please knock hard - the bell doesn't work.
In an office building restroom: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.
On a Plumber's truck: We repair what your husband fixed.
On another Plumber's truck: Don't sleep with a drip - Call your plumber!
On a tire shop: INVITE US TO YOUR NEXT BLOWOUT!
In a veterinarian's office: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
On a health food store: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.
On a fence: SALESMEN WELCOME! Dog food is expensive.
In a non-smoking area: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
At an optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place!
On a funeral home: DRIVE CAREFULLY. WE'LL WAIT.
Marketing Strategies
FATHER'S HORSE
Father Murphy was a priest in a very poor parish. He asked for suggestions as how to raise money for the church. He was told that horse owners always had money, so he went to a horse auction but made a very poor buy, as the horse turned out to be a donkey.
However, he thought he might as well enter the donkey in a race. The donkey came in third, and the next morning, the newspaper read, "Father Murphy's ass shows." The archbishop saw the paper and was very displeased.
The next race, the donkey won, and the headlines read, "Father Murphy's ass out in front." The archbishop was up in arms and figured something had to be done.
Then, Father Murphy entered the donkey in another race, and it came in second, so the newspapers read, "Father Murphy's ass back in place."
The archbishop said, "This is too much!" and refused Father from entering the donkey in any more races. Consequently, the paper read, "Archbishop scratches Father Murphy's ass." The archbishop read this and ordered Father Murphy to get rid of the donkey.
He wasn't able to sell it, so he gave it to Sister Agatha for a pet. Now, the headlines read, "Sister Agatha has the best ass in town."
When the archbishop read this, he ordered Sister to get rid of the donkey. She sold it for ten dollars, and the papers read, "Sister Agatha peddles her ass for ten dollars."
They buried the archbishop three days later.
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