Have a Laugh on Me 7









Lost Consonants by Graham Rawle




Everything I Ever Needed to Know,
I Learned from Playing Lemmings

By John Weiss

  • Sometimes someone has to make a sacrifice for the common good (with any luck, it won't require blowing up. . .)
  • Following the crowd is not always a good idea. . . they could be walking off of a cliff.
  • Before you jump, see how far down it is.
  • If you are going to leap off a cliff, don't forget your umbrella.
  • Our society depends on different people doing their own thing for the common good.
  • Sometimes the best move is to nuke everything and start fresh.
  • If life didn't seem to give you the tools you need, improvise.
  • Just because you only need to save 50% doesn't mean that you can't save all of them. Or that you shouldn't try.
  • Lemmings have feelings, too...they are afraid of being hurt, just like people. Treat both with concern.
  • Plan ahead.
  • It is often best to have one lemmings working on the task at hand and to have the others kept out of the way.
  • Life is a lot like Lemmings-you get dropped into strange, new place and are expected to overcome lots of strange obstacles to reach a goal and you have no idea why.
  • Life is full of hidden traps.
  • Society depends most heavily on those who build and those who keep order (builders and blockers).
  • Lemmings don't hurt other lemmings. If they did, they never get anything done.
  • Lemmings, like most people, fail to take time to admire the world around them.
  • If you master one task/level, you get a tougher one.
  • Some obstacles can't be overcome. . . you must simply go around them.
  • Lemmings wear hats in the cold.
  • Lemmings have a learning curve rather like most people you'll meet. . . just about nil.
  • Lemmings aren't afraid to carry an umbrella, just in case they need it.
  • Lemmings have no social lives. . . they never talk to each other. But they don't appear too happy, either.
  • Lemmings can't swim and drown a lot. Learn to swim.
  • One lemming can ruin a level for all the others.




    Over 700 Verses to the Parody of "Old Time Religion"




    Green Eggs and Hamlet

    I ask to be or not to be.
    That is the question I ask of me.
    This sullied life, it makes me shudder.
    My uncle's boffing dear sweet mother.
    Would I, could I take me life?
    Could I, should I end this strife?
    Should I jump out of a plane?
    Or throw myself before a train?
    Should I from a cliff just leap?
    Could I put myself to sleep?
    Shoot myself or take some poison?
    Maybe try self immolation?
    To shudder off this mortal coil,
    I could stab myself with a fencing foil.
    Slash my wrists while in the bath?
    Would it end my angst and wrath?
    To sleep, to dream, now there's the rub.
    I could drop a toaster in my tub.
    Would all be glad if I were dead?
    Could I perhaps kill them instead?
    This line of thought takes consideration-
    For I'm the king of procrastination.




    The Boss Asked for a Letter

    Pete Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
    hard at work in his cubicle. Pete works independently, without
    wasting company time talking to colleagues. Pete never
    thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
    finishes given assignments on time. Often Pete takes extended
    measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
    breaks. Pete is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
    vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
    knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Pete can be
    classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
    dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Pete be
    promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
    executed as soon as possible.

    A memo was soon sent following the letter:

    That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the
    report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd
    numbered lines (1, 3, 5, ...) for my true assessment of him.




    Hamlet: A Tragedy in Translation by Jim Maiwurm




    Application for God/desshood




    If You Are Unhappy

    Once upon a time there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.

    THE MORAL OF THE STORY
    1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
    2) Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend.
    3) And if you're warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.




    The History of the English Language




    Three vampires walk into a bar. "What can I get ya?" asks the bartender.
    "Blood," orders the first vampire.
    "Make it two," says the second.
    The bartender looks at the third. "What about you, buddy?"
    "Plasma," says the vampire.
    "Okay," replies the barman. "Let me make sure I've got this straight. Two bloods and a blood light."




    While on business, three men get drunk and wake up in jail to learn they will be executed, though none of them can recall what they did to deserve it.
    The first man put in the electric chair is asked for his last words. "I'm from Yale Divinity School, and believe in the power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent."
    The switch is thrown, but nothing happens. The jailers figure God wants the man alive and let him go.
    The second man is strapped in. "I'm from Harvard Law School, and believe in the power of justice to intervene on behalf of the innocent."
    The switch is thrown; again, nothing. The jailers think the law is on this man's side, so they let him go.
    The last man says, "Well, I'm an electrical engineer from MIT, and you're not electrocuting anybody if you don't connect those two loose wires down there."









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