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me...myself...and HIM (for I would be nothing without His blessing) |
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I have always danced to a slightly different drummer than most. As far back as memory takes me, I remember searching for something I felt destined to find. For years I sought it without a clue as to what "it" was. Yet I kept looking, knowing I couldn’t rest until I found it. To feel the overwhelming scope of my search being fulfilled fills me with a joy words can only try to convey...To come to understand the one thing that was missing in my life. These things create within me the great need and responsibility to share my quest with you. At the age of 10, our family moved into my Great Uncle Roy’s house to care for him since he was getting quite old. While moving my things into the dresser of my new bedroom, I found a beautiful picture of Jesus decoupaged on a piece of burl. To this day, the intense feeling of love I felt when I looked at it remains alive within me. My parents felt I was too young to handle the thought that Jesus had died for me and took the beautiful picture away. They could not take away the feelings I felt for Him or the experience I had with Him that day. Jesus had become a part of me. Although my parents had allowed me to attend church with friends occasionally, it was not encouraged. They didn’t want me exposed to "religion" too early. They told me that when I was old enough I could make up my mind for myself. My parents loved me with everything they had and I had a wonderful childhood. I lived my youth pursuing all things good. Church was not a part of my life, but God was. My mother finally agreed to take me to see "The Ten Commandments" and "The Bible". In High School, my folks allowed me to go to church. One night, a friend asked if I would like to go to a special service in a neighboring town. It was on that night I finally understood the message about Jesus' life and that He had died for me. I had loved and sought Jesus all my life but had never been told about salvation. That night I asked Him into my life. It was a feeling I will never forget. I started attending Sunday service, youth group, Bible study and sang in the traveling church choir. I married at 19 and had a baby by the age of 20. My husband and I moved to a different town. We became very involved with a new church and formed close friendships with many people from it. Both of us were baptized in the church and did our best to have God be a part of our lives. As time went on, it became more and more clear that my husband was an alcoholic. He had issues from his past he had not learned to overcome. My sheltered, secure, and peaceful childhood had left me totally unprepared to handle the ugly reality that life shows you at times. Life had become a hell no person should ever have to experience. I couldn’t let my daughter go through it and realized we had to leave. The people in the church could not accept or condone a divorce and made it clear I was no longer welcome in their church. I didn’t stop loving God, but it was on that day that I quit attending that or any church. The people didn’t know what I had been through or how hard we had tried. No one offered support or sympathy. It was hard to understand and accept the things that were happening to me. The next few years were very difficult. I was a single mother and was struggling to make it. My parents helped when they could, but neither one of them was well. I had to go on welfare. They helped me complete two years of college and I finished with a straight A average. I got a job at a Title Company, got off welfare, and finally started getting ahead. I was even able to buy a house and car for myself. Things were going quite well, but deep down inside I still felt drawn towards this path I didn’t understand. I felt drawn to help humanity but had no idea how to do it or where to start. I wasn’t even sure I liked "humanity". Most of the time I felt embarrassed to admit I was even human. I went on with my life... My mother got more and more ill so I moved her into our home. My daughter was 8 years old. There was never any question that I would take care of her. She had been there for me and I was there for her. It took her many years to die. It was not an easy time but I would do it all over again if given the choice. I bought a small house in the country for my father. He was in his 80’s and needed increasing care the last few years of his life. My mom died one day while visiting my dad. My dad died 6 months later. So much has happened to me and my daughter that our story reads like a soap opera. I always said it would have to be put in the "fiction" section because no one would believe it. Yet, through it all I would still have to call myself a generally happy and optimistic person. When my daughter was around 10, her father died. I had always tried to raise her to know her father was a good man and that he loved her. He saw her only two times after our divorce because he was too emotionally fragile to handle it. He had finally been able to tell me that the reason he drank was because he had been molested repeatedly by a man when he was young. He grew up confused and came to believe he was gay although he didn’t want to be. He followed this new lifestyle and became one of the first men to die of AIDS. I didn’t tell my daughter how her dad died until she was 17. When my daughter turned 12 she told me she had been molested by a family friend who had baby-sat her when she was 3-4 years old. I went cold inside. I knew the lasting scars this could cause. She was becoming a young woman and all of a sudden this was an issue that she could not deal with. It affected her total personality. We sought counseling but it didn’t seem to help her feelings about herself. It was not until her 20’s that she came to terms with her past and started to heal inside. Her childhood was nothing like mine had been. Over the last several years, I had been having increasingly severe flare-ups of strange neurological problems. In the beginning the only thing affected was my legs. They would become stiff in a strange way. I could not put words to the way they felt. They just didn’t feel or work right. I had a hard time walking while I was having an attack. We were beginning to suspect MS. I learned to live with it. I started working for myself because it was the only way I felt I could function while having an attack. I had to learn to pace myself and to stop and rest often. People who knew me stopped asking why I would walk so funny at times. I would just shake my head and say, "My legs aren’t working again", and they would understand. I didn’t let it stop me. I was very active, played tennis and found a way to do just about anything I wanted to do. When my daughter was 14, I opened a Frame Shop in the new town we had moved to after my father died. I had found my home. The people in this small town embraced me and my talents as a picture framer. My shop flourished and soon I was so busy I couldn’t keep up. In the next 3 years I found myself working longer and longer hours. My home life was becoming more and more foreign to me. Every Christmas season was busier than the last. It was September and the holidays were approaching fast. I had not been able to find help skilled enough to adequately share my work load. My daughter was going through the late teenage years and an inner torment she could not deal with. She was not interested in joining the family business. I felt overwhelmed and found I could not face the thought of the huge demand for my services that was coming in a couple of months whether I was able to produce or not. I had a decision to make. I had to either move, expand my product line, and find some people to help me - or close the shop and open a small studio at home. Negotiations for a new shop were completed and it was mine if I wanted it. It was a great location and was large enough for me to grow in. I had found a young man that was learning the trade well. Everything was falling into place but I couldn’t rid myself of the dread of the approaching Christmas season. In October I couldn’t stand it any more, put a note in the window saying I was on a short vacation, and ran away for a little while. During that time I searched myself and came to understand that success in my business was not what I had been searching for all my life. I still felt empty and unfulfilled. I had to continue my quest. A week later I moved my shop to my home. Two days later I had the worst attack I have ever had. My legs became increasingly stiff and clumsy and the fatigue was beyond belief. It was all I could do to get the shop emptied out and closed up. I called all my customers and did my best to explain what was happening to me. Most were understanding. Even through I was busy when I shut down my shop I didn’t have much cash available. To make matters worse, I found that in the confusion, I had written a $600.00 deposit down twice in my business checking account (and spent it twice). I found myself more than broke and desperately ill. It was all I could do to stand up long enough to put a frame together. All my profits were going to resolve the problem with my bank. Life was not easy. Somehow I survived. I was sick for a year and a half. I had to stop and rest very often. My feet had feelings like pins and needles in them all the time and my toes and fingers were numb. I was having trouble keeping my balance and was tripping all the time. I hurt so much at night I had trouble sleeping and when I stepped out of bed in the morning it was like walking on broken glass. My body was so stiff I had a hard time turning to wipe myself on the toilet. I was 39 years old and felt like I was 80. At the same time, my daughter’s was 18 and her life was following a path I could not condone. I had to face the only option open to me - many parents have come to call it "tough love". I gave her the choice of change or leaving. She moved out of the house without even saying good-bye. I knew I had to do what I had done if she had a chance of ever finding herself but it was probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do. To make matters worse, my renters had stopped paying rent and I had been forced to start eviction. I had to make the bank payments for several months while trying to get them to leave. The house was in very bad condition by the time they left. I found I was unable to make the payments, couldn’t sell it, and could not afford to get it back in rentable condition. I couldn't afford to buy food, I couldn’t pay my bills, life had become too real and was attacking me from every direction. One day I just broke - I went off the deep end. Life didn’t matter anymore. I would have killed myself except I didn’t want the people around me to have to deal with my death. I had made so many dear friends. I had to live for them. I could care less about myself. I had always prided myself at being a strong person. Suddenly I was no longer strong. I couldn’t stop crying and I thought that the best news anyone could have given me at this moment was that I had a terminal illness and was going to die. Since I didn’t believe in suicide (and still seemed to be alive), I knew I had to do something. In desperation I called my doctor, told him what was going on and that I couldn’t afford to pay for his help. He told me to get over to his office as soon as I could and not to worry about the money. He told me that with what I had gone through he was not surprised I was depressed and that there was no shame in it. He put a huge X through the payment due part of his paperwork. We talked for a long time and I will never forget his compassion. I took anti-depressants for about 6 months, and gradually regained control of my emotions. I realized how much I had been carrying around on my shoulders every day and started the process of simplifying my life. While I had been in this deeply depressed state I remember asking God why He let me hurt so much. After I made it through, I thanked God that He let me experience it. I was thankful that I had seen how so many people suffer. If you have not been there, you cannot understand how someone feels who has lost hope. You cannot know how to help them or how to "just be there for them". I continued to work at home doing my framing. I gave the rental back to the bank in a Deed-in-Lieu of Foreclosure. I got rid of everything in my life that I could let go of. I was never again as physically strong as I had been before my recent illness and depression, but I learned to pace myself. I knew that if I pushed it or let myself get too stressed, it would cause my legs to bother me. I had not been plagued with any severe physical problems for quite a while and was back to being happy most of the time. I always seemed to have enough orders to "survive" but never seemed to be able to get ahead. There were too many times that I still had a hard time bringing in enough money to buy food at night. My friends helped me a lot during this time and more than once people fed me and sent me home with bags of food. During these years of my life, I went to God often asking for answers. Since the day when I looked at that picture of Jesus, I have loved God and have sought Him. I didn’t understand why I had to be ill and why I had lost everything. I didn’t understand why my life had to be so hard. I just wanted to know WHY? I felt I had so much to give mankind. I pleaded with Him to make me stronger. If I could not take care of myself, I couldn’t understand how I could be of any use to anyone else. I begged God to use me. I continued to search for the path God had told me I would follow. I felt very strongly that I was being called to serve mankind on a large scale, but could see no way to get there. I still had no clue to what I was searching for, or how I could possibly be in a position to see it through if it were ever revealed to me, yet I kept searching. I tried my best to understand and to keep my faith. I was angry at times, but I never stopped loving or seeking Him. I was very frank with God about my dreams, my anger, and my desire for Him. I never stopped pleading with God to use me. IT WAS AT THIS TIME THAT HE CAME TO ME... I had reconciled with my daughter. The day I had forced her to take control of her own life and the choices she made had ended up being the best thing I could have done for her. She had gone through her own time of hell, but had come out the other side a better person. We were closer to each other than many people will ever get. She thanks me often for being her mom and instilling in her my strong beliefs on right and wrong. During this same time my daughter had found a man who had stood by her and had forced her to deal with the emotional scars her abuse had left on her. She had made tremendous progress. One day I was talking to her and she told me her boyfriend wanted to be a cartoonist or comic book artist. I told her it was a hard way to go and that I thought he should keep the day job. For some strange reason, I suggested he make a board game instead. She told me he didn’t want to and that was end of that subject. The next day I sat down at my table and thought to myself "I wonder if I could make a board game?". I am an artist and had been seeing a picture in my mind of a castle on a hill with a village in the valley down below. I tried to make this into a game. It was not an easy thing to do and I remember thinking it must be next to impossible to develop a board game. Even so, I wasn’t ready to give up and thought of a map I had drawn of an area I had ridden my horse over as a child. While trying to re-create this map, a completed game came through me and revealed itself on the paper in front of me. I sat back and looked at what had happened. The game was complete and playable. Even through my drawing was a rough drawing, I could see the finished product in my mind as clearly as I can see my reflection in a mirror. I will swear till the day I die that I did not think of the game or the subject matter for the game. It dealt with gold mining, a subject I had no interest in and no knowledge of - and the game was GOOD! I saw in that moment that I had been given the vehicle to do the work I had begged God to help me do. I jumped in with both feet and haven’t stopped yet. I worked on the game until 2:00 A.M. When I got up, I worked on it some more. It was all I could do to tear myself away long enough to play my regular tennis game. Upon returning home, I was back at it. I couldn’t help myself, I had to work on the game. I called my daughter and told her what had happened. (I think she thought I had gone a little crazy). I called my girl friend and asked if I could bring it over and play it with her. She loved the game and agreed with me, the game was good. Okay, now I had a way to do something big enough, one that could get me in the position I needed to be in to help people, it "was" possible. My first thought was that I could sell the game to Milton Bradley. I soon found out they don’t buy games that way and that if it was going to be produced, I was going to have to do it myself. I set about learning the many things I needed to know. For the first time in my life the wildly varied parts of my life seemed to mesh. In school I had been a business, computer and accounting major. Yet, I was an artist at heart. The two parts of me that seemed so at odds with each other were now a perfect blend. I had always been very intelligent. It had never gotten me anywhere, but now it was essential. Because of my strong business background, I knew a lot of people. All I had to do was come up with the financing... I spent the entire next day at the library researching gold mining, game suppliers, box makers, and anything else I could get my hands on. I checked out almost 20 books. The game board I saw in my mind was an environment, not just spaces to move on. It had a town, a homestead with a barn, a desert, and a mine. To give proper recognition to the real author of the game, it also had a church. I felt totally directed as to how to get this game to market. I saw the possibilities open to me if the game took off, yet I was directed to small bite sized tasks along the way. I gave God all the glory for the game and trusted totally that He would see it through. I told a lot of people what had happened but didn’t reveal the game itself to many. Two people said they would back me financially. One wanted to put in $5,000.00 and the other $2,000.00 I told them I wouldn’t take their money until I was sure I would not be putting it in jeopardy. Just knowing people believed in what I was doing and that backing was available gave me the confidence to proceed. Besides, it isn’t every day you have God as your business partner. When I got home I had a message on my answering machine from one of my framing customers. She told me she had suddenly decided to re-do a lot of the frames in her home plus a few new ones. I went up to see her and came back with a job big enough to support me for the entire month. There was another message on my machine when I got home, it was a request for another whole house. In the 8 years I had been framing, I had never had a whole house job - now I had two at one time. I had enough money all at once that I was able to pay my bills, and work on the game. This is just the first of many unexplainable things that happened while the game was being developed. I felt from the first moment I saw the game that I had found what I had been searching for all my life. Ican’t really describe it except that it felt right. I wanted to make more games, but I kept telling myself I wouldn’t do any more until I got this first one going. I worked 1/2 time on the games (for nothing) and the other 1/2 making a living. It wasn’t always easy, but just knowing that God had heard my pleadings and had shown me the game made all the hard work worth it. I had a new joy in my life. I became a different person. I put the development of the game totally in God’s hands. He didn’t let me down. It was truly amazing to watch it develop. I could tell that the people around me felt the same awe. One day I couldn’t resist any more and decided to make a "simple little game" that would help generate money to help pay for the "big game". It wasn’t more than 5 second after I decided to make another game that an idea was in my head. I couldn’t get home fast enough so I could make it. It was a stacking game and was quite fun to play. Again, I did not think of the idea. There was no stopping me from this point on. The next three ideas revealed to me were puzzles. All were extremely logical and had a highly developed mathematical base (math was never my strong suit). Next came a fantasy board game based on a story I had written in junior high. There were also a series of small mystery puzzles that when put together formed objects such as a hot air balloon. I started production on the logic puzzles with a local designer. I was invited to a career day at a local high school. The kids didn’t think much of the gold mining game, but loved the puzzles. Several went to get their math teachers so they could see them. When the teachers saw the puzzles they were extremely excited (remember, the math they were based on wasn't my idea). The board game was coming along great and I had several investors involved by now. We had finished the graphic work and had most of the parts of the game printed. The games were selling as fast as I could put them together. We continued to work on making various other parts of the game look more professional. I say "we" because it sounds bigger than "I" but the leg work always came down to what I could do myself. I didn’t mind, in fact I loved it. Things were going so very well, it was almost like clockwork. Everything was falling into place. WE WERE ACTUALLY GOING TO DO THIS IMPOSSIBLE TASK... THEN THE IMPOSSIBLE HAPPENED! I was sick again. My legs started bothering me and I started having trouble walking right. It had happened so many times before that at first it wasn’t any more to me than an inconvenience. I knew that eventually it would go away. But this time something was different. I started feeling such an overwhelming fatigue that I was having a hard time making it through each day. I started having trouble working, and making a living was getting harder and harder. Standing up long enough to put a frame together was almost impossible and there was no way I could work on the games at all. The summer season was upon us, we had just gotten the color covers and I couldn’t find the strength to do anything about it. Then, my eyes started getting blurry and they got so light sensitive I could hardly drive my car. I developed problem with one of my heart valves and started swelling around my elbows, knees and ankles. I had a fever every day and had a strange purple rash just under my skin. If I took any type of pill or smelled something like mold or redwood I would break out with hives all over my body. The doctors thought I had some sort of auto-immune disorder such as lupus which affects the connective tissues of your body as well as some organs. Your body is literally attacking itself. I had from 1-3 people calling me every day to make sure I hadn’t died during the night. For the first time in my life I have to say I was truly scared. I went to God again and asked WHY? He had told me to make the game for Him and it had been going so very well. I asked Him to help me and told Him I couldn’t do the game without His help. I knew that some day He would reveal to me why I had to be sick again and did the best I could to understand. At the same time, several of my friends were praying for me to get well. I told them that for some reason I had to be sick again and that it wasn’t time for me to get well yet. I felt that if I was meant to be well I would be well. I did my best to be patient, but was getting worse every day. I had been sick for 4 months. I didn’t know how I was going to take care of myself much longer. I was hanging on by a thread, yet I still sought Gold and I still loved Him. IT WAS AT THIS POINT THAT HE CAME TO ME AGAIN... I was sitting in a coffee shop trying to find enough energy to attack my day. I started talking to the man who sat next to me. He seemed like such a wonderful person that I felt sad when he left, knowing I would probably never see him again. It was just a few minutes later that he came back, saying that he had forgotten to pay and asked me for my phone number. I gave it to him and we talked for quite some time. He was trying to leave town because he was on his way up to his mom’s to put a new roof on her house. After he left the second time, I knew I had found someone special. When he came back from his mom’s, we met and talked again. He said that he hoped I didn’t mind that he went to church. I told him I hadn’t been to church in over 20 years but that it didn’t bother me one bit that he did. I told him how sick I was and he told me he didn’t care. He made sure I ate for the next two weeks, held me, listened to me, and made me feel loved and protected. He asked me to go to church with him. Two of my friends had been trying to get me to go with them for at least two years, I wouldn’t do it. When he asked, I said okay, and said it willingly. Up until then I had been unable to overcome the feelings I had felt towards the people of the last church I had attended. The day we went to church I could hardly walk. My legs had given out three times between the car and the church. I was in a lot of pain and my ankles were swollen. I had a hard time standing for the service. My friend asked if I minded if they prayed for me. I said it was okay. The pastor asked if I believed and I said yes but that I didn’t believe I should expect something that special to happen to me. While everyone was praying for me and many were laying hands on, I prayed earnestly to myself to be able to keep my faith when this didn’t work. By that evening the pain in my hips and legs was gone and I was literally able to run down steps. Even in the best of times over the last 10 years, I had to go down steps sideways. I knew at that moment I was being healed. I remember looking at my arms and knees and wondering how God planned to take care of them. They were still swollen out from my joints by at least 1/2 inch and the skin on my arms and knees still had a strange purplish rash just under the skin. When I woke up in the morning, I had to go to the bathroom with an unusual urgency. I had to go back after just 15 minutes. I couldn’t stay out of the bathroom all day. I could see my arms and legs shrinking before my eyes. In total I lost 7 pounds of water that day. THE NEXT DAY I WORKED 9 HOURS AND I HAVE BEEN WELL EVER SINCE. My healing was not only complete, but it was blatantly visible to a magnitude of people. I never realized how many people I knew. God’s blessed act of love shown to me has easily affected 100 people. People couldn’t help but see a change in me. One day I’m weak and can’t walk right no matter how hard I try and the next day it is as if there had never been anything wrong with me. In fact, at the age of 42, I feel better than I did at age 25. I told everyone who would listen what had happened to me (along with a few who hadn’t really wanted to hear what I had to say). I couldn’t help myself, the experience made me a new person. I will never be the same again. I had been seeking God for such a long, long time and now I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that GOD IS REAL! For the first time in my life I understood what it meant to "TRUST IN THE LORD". I had believed with all my heart that He gave me the games and I worked on them with everything I had - all for His glory, yet I had always kept control of my life. My friend had tried to tell me that He would be there for me and that He would help me, but I had never understood what it meant to "TURN YOUR LIFE OVER TO HIM". Although I had loved the Lord and had sought Him all my life, I had never come to understand what He wanted for me and for all mankind. I never understood the depths of His love for us. Suddenly I understood "WHY". In a moment I understood everything. I understood why He had died for me. I understood why I had to be sick. I understood I didn’t have to carry the weight of the world around on my shoulders any more. I UNDERSTOOD WHAT IT MEANT TO HAVE JESUS BE A PART OF YOUR LIFE! Each day I raise my voice in praise to the Lord. After 3 months, I married the man who got me to go to church with him. We both believe that God had a part in bringing us together. I have found that I look at life from a totally different perspective now that I know that "GOD IS REAL". I devote a regular and lengthy time to prayer and reading the Bible every day and have read a large percentage of it so far. I have developed a deep and close personal relationship with God. I have turned everything in my life over to Him and have come to realize that I am not very good at managing my life without His help. I meant it when I asked Him to use me and am continually seeking knowledge, wisdom and understanding. He has not stopped pouring out His blessings on me. I don’t know why I have had so much happen to me in the short amount of time since my healing. Perhaps it is because I seek Him continuously - maybe it is my lack of "preconceived" ideas about what He wants of me - I don’t know. A lot of things that have happened to me I didn’t even believe in before my healing. I believed God "could" heal people, but I didn’t know it could happened in the local church on Sunday. I thought tongues were man-made, not something God gave us. I didn’t even give a lot of credibility to Revelations and the people that kept saying Jesus was coming back "soon". I’m not even sure I accepted that Jesus had died for "my" sins. I thank God that He was able to see into my true heart. If He had not gone out of His way to share so much of His world with me, I’m not sure where I would be today. Some of the things that have happened are so personal I cannot tell you about them, but a few of them I feel obligated to share:
These three things happened in the first 3 months after my healing. In the 3 years since my healing, God has poured out a non-stop blessing of revelation, prophecy, dreams & visions. Again, I can’t say why they are happening to me. I’m not sure how many other people are going through similar experiences, but I feel a tremendous responsibility to pursue them and not to just accept them and go on with my life. God poured out His love, mercy, and healing on me, I must do whatever I can to share what I have learned. I don’t know where it will take us. I still feel drawn to help mankind - Perhaps in a way I could not have dreamed of not that long ago. The games quit selling immediately after my healing, yet their story isn't done. It will be another article that I will be posting within the next few weeks. I'm really not one to talk a lot about myself. My story is long because there is a lot to say. There is much more, but I will stop here. Our God is more real in my life than I can possibly put into words. He has a plan for all of our lives. I've seen Him work in ways some of us can not even fathom. To God be all glory, amen.
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