I'm Still Here
Author: JB
E-mail: [email protected]
Fandom: Law and Order: Special Victims Unit
Category: Post-slash
Feedback: Do I even have to say it?
Pairing: Olivia/Abbie
Rating: PG
Summary: Olivia gets a letter from Abbie and responds
Author's Note: This has nothing to do with my series I'm working on, nor does it have to do with American History 139 which I should be working
on. Let me know what you think, this is my first attempt at
Abbie/Olivia.
I saw your name in the paper the other day. It said you had won a major case involving illegal prescription drugs. I must have read that damn article a hundred times before I finally threw the paper out. There wasn't even a picture of you, just your name. It amazes me how just your name, neatly typed, can still have an effect of me. You wouldn't believe what happens when someone casually mentions you. I do my best to keep my composure, but most of the time it's just useless. My heart beats faster, my stomach does flips, my hands
starts to shake. You can only imagine what your letter did to me. You're my downfall, you always have been.
It still hurts, ya know? The pain that was there when you went away hasn't left me. It still sits inside, buried deep so no one can see, so no one will know. Somedays I don't know which hurts more, the fact that you left, the truth that you're not coming back, or the realization that when you were here I wasn't what you really wanted. I used to kid myself into believing that I was really it for you. That the way you looked at me was an indication of how you really
felt for me. I had convinced myself that despite the way you acted, reserved and distant, you really cared. You really wanted me. You loved me. I would smile proud when you came into a room knowing that later that night you would be in my arms. I would push the pain away when you'd call at night to cancel our plans. I'd push away the rejection when you'd pull away from my extended hand across a diner table. I'd hold you close, inhaling your scent, when you'd collapse in my bed from the physical exhaustion. Up and down, back and
forth, it's the only thing I knew from you. I thought it was enough. It wasn't.
You used to lay in bed at night when we first got together and tell me you were scared. I always thought you'd tell me why if you trusted me enough to tell me you were even scared in the first place. You never told me the real reason. You'd mumble away something about losing me. Incoherent, sleepy, thoughts about me leaving you. Running away when I found out the truth. I never knew what that truth was for you. I could only guess. The irony of the situation is that I would have never left. I could have never ranaway from you. And so here I am. You're gone, and I'm still here.
I lay awake some nights and replay our relationship in my head. From the shaky beginnings, to explosive nights, to bitter goodbye. We never went public, you and I. No matter how much I wanted to, how much it was speculated about, you never said it out loud. You never said that we were anything. To you, maybe that was the truth. The truth. I don't even know what that is anymore. I don't know if my truth is your truth or if there is even any truth into any of this.
I suppose the only truth I know is that you're no longer here.
I don't know how long it was after you left that I began to reflect on the two of us. I know it wasn't immediately. I was still in the belief that you wouldn't go through with it. That you'd take a few weeks off, come back, and everything would be the same. I wouldn't need to think about what we had, because I'd still have it. It might have been when they got your replacement. She could never replace you though. Not professionally, not personally, I think you should know that. But, I've always had a thing for dark and unattainable,
so maybe to someone else she might be perfect. Yes, I think it was when I saw her coming out of your office one day that I realized that you were really gone. Truly not coming back. I went home that night and thought about you and everything that transpired between us.
We had been so on and off for so many years. Before either of us had actually "settled" into our careers, we had settled into our pattern. Work, sex, pretend it didn't happen in the daylight, lather, rinse, repeat. Then we went our separate ways for a few years. I got sucked into SVU, you got sucked into major cases. Then SVU sucked you in. And out of nowhere, we returned to our previous ways. But this time it was different. We were older, wiser
supposedly. We wanted more. I needed more. We tried to be something we had never been before and we failed. Miserably. You weren't nearly prepared for what it means to be in a relationship. Least of all one with a woman. You were perfect in every way, but you were scared. And there's nothing worse than trying to be with someone who isn't comfortable in their own skin. No one would know it to look at you, but I saw it immediately. Under that cool, confidant, broad shouldered, Texan drawled exterior lay the insecure, unsure, completely frightened person that you are. You were so caught up on appearances that you never let yourself free. What you didn't realize, don't comprehend, is that everyone loves you because you're you. Not because of what you show them. You're a brilliant, hilarious, beautiful woman. No one cares about the fact that you come home with me at night and not some random guy. But it mattered
to you, so I hid as well. Never mind the fact that I had never hidden to begin with. The moment you and I started again I retreated into the unfamiliar closet that you so greatly inhabited. The thing is, no matter how much I wanted to be with you, no matter how much I loved you, that was a part of me that I couldn't really give up. You don't know what it's like to be so free and then be forced to shut down who you are. You live in that constant state of shut-down, so
what I was going through was a foreign concept to you. You couldn't
understand how I couldn't just shut myself down in the daylight like you do. You wanted me to be something I could never be. You wanted me to be like you.
I loved you anyway. I loved you despite the fact that what you wanted from me what I could never give you. I could never give you just half of me. Ultimately that's what it would have amounted to. To be in that place that you are would be me only being a part of myself. Only giving you so much and not all that I am. And, God help me, I wanted to give my all to you. I wanted you to know that for me, you were all I ever needed. Even though all I ever got from you was half of who you are, it was enough for me to fall for. But, it wasn't enough for me to be sustained for long. I pushed you. I admit that. I pushed nearly too hard. My pushing mixed with your growing exasperation for your job made you look elsewhere for a place to run. I used to be that place, but with me being part of the problem you needed a new solution. Enter the Department of Justice. Enter Washington D.C. Enter the exit of you. Enter the unraveling of me.
Now it's been a year. I see your name occasionally in a law blurb. I hear your name in passing. I see your face sometimes when I close my eyes. On certain nights I can even hear your voice in my dreams. I don't know how long it'll be before I'm over you completely. Like I said, the pain is still there. All I can do is hope that wherever you are you've found what you've wanted. Maybe she'll be able to give you the life that you desperately need. I hope you're happy, I
really do. You deserve it. I never wanted anything but the best for you. I just always wished that I would have been the one to give it all to you. I hope you know that I would have too. If you had just given me the chance. But I can't think about that now. I can't think about what may have been or what could have happened "if only". Because that's not what happened, it was never capable of being anything more than what it was. I wish you the best in your life. I
wish you all the happiness, love, and fulfillment you can find. I just hope that when you find it, you realize that it's there. Last time you didn't, and the person you left behind is still feeling the sting.
I love you Abbie. I always will. Probably more than you could ever imagine. But it's time for me to move on. I'm sorry. I hope your case goes well here, I really do. But please, if you ever cared about me to begin with, don't come knocking on my door when the nights get too lonely, and the whiskey isn't enough to sustain the cold. Find someone else to fill that spot. I can't be that person anymore. I never really could. I always wanted more. I just always
wanted you.
