A daughter asked her dad if she could borrow his car that night so she could go out with her friends. Her father replied "only if you suck my dick." The daughter thought about this and decided she really needed the car, so she said alright. As she was sucking she stopped and said "YUCK! this taste like shit!" so her father replied "Oh, I forgot to tell you your brothers got the car tonight!"

Sex Education Class

A teacher at school is starting her sex education class. She draws a picture of a tit on the board. She asks her class if anyone knows what it is? A little boy speaks up and says they are titties, my mom has two of them. The teacher says very good. Then she draws a penis on the board and asks if anyone knows what it is? The same boy says it's a dick, my dad has two of them. She says two of them? He says yeah, one about this big (2 inches) he pees out of and one about this big (6 inches) he brushes mommy's teeth with.

Three Tough Mice

Three mice were sitting in a bar bragging about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and just as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot.
The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it." And with that he slams another shot.
The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?", The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to fuck the cat."

Memo to all students:

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work & productivity from students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any other school. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please.. see your lecturer immediately. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our lecturers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Students who don't know S.H.I.T. will be places in Departmental Educational Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, as they are full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T. ,you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). For students who are intending to pursue a career in management and consultancy, we will refer you to the department of MANAGEMENT OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATIONAL (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course emphasizes on how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T. . If you have further questions, please direct them to out HEAD OF TEACHING SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

                                         Thank You
                        BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING
                                      (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

Train Delay

A mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son say, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now ' cause this is the last stop. And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on get your asses in the train 'cause we're leaving."  The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house.  Now I want you to go to your room for two hours.  When you come out you may play with your train. But I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train.  Soon the train stopped and mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train please remember to take all of your belongings with you.  We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.", "For those of you just boarding we ask you to store all your luggage under your seat. Remember there is no smoking except in the club car. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us.", "And for those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay please see the bitch in the kitchen."