A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her vibrator. "What are you doing?", asked the Mom. "Mom I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head. The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?", he asked. His daughter replied, " I already told Mom. I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father walked out of the room shaking his head too. The next day the Mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand, & the vibrator in the other hand, watching the football game. For Christs sake "What are you doing?" she cried. The husband replied, "Why you yelling? What does it look like I'm doing?", shouted the Dad. "I am having a beer and watching the game with my new fucking son-in-law!"

Make Me A Woman

A man walks into a building and gets into the elevator. He presses the button for the fifth floor. At the fifth floor the most stunning woman he has ever seen gets into the lift and leans seductively against the wall. The man doesn't know where to look and starts to get very nervous. The woman begins to unbutton her blouse and throws it on the floor. She then takes off her bra and throws it on the floor. At this stage the guy is getting very nervous. Then she says "Make a woman out of me". He unbuttons his shirt, throws it on the floor and replies - "Alright, iron that."

Hotel

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'm, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

Condoms for Sale

This guy was at the supermarket and after buying a few things he began to queue up in this really long line for the checkout. After about 15 mins in the line he reached the checkout girl and just at that moment he remembered that he needed some condoms, not wanting to line up again he said to the girl "Oh I meant to buy some condoms but forgot", to which she replied "Do you know what size you are ?" and he said "no". The girl then said "OK drop your pants and I'll tell you what size you  are", the guy then, not being the shy type, drops his trousers and the girl has a feel with her hand and then says in the microphone "1 packet of large condoms to aisle 3 Please", he pulls up his trousers, the condoms are brought to him and he pays his bill and goes on his way Another male customer sees this and thinks he'd like to have this nice girl fondling his manhood and so says the same thing to the girl and a similar course of events takes place only this time after having a feel she says "One packet of medium sized condoms to aisle 3 please", the condoms are then brought to him and he pays the bill and goes on his way. Also watching this course of events was a rather excitable 15 year old boy who then decides to queue up and try the same routine. Upon reaching the checkout girl he says " I'd like to buy some condoms please, but I forgot" and the girl replies "Do you know what size you are ?" and he says "Nope" and then she asks him to drop his trousers and she has a feel, after which she says into the microphone "Mop and Bucket to aisle 3 please!"

The Blind Man

These two nuns were painting their house. They didn't want to get their clothes dirty, so they stripped naked while they were painting the room. A few minutes later there is a knock on the door so the one nun saz "Who is it?" and the reply comes. "I'm the blind man". So they think, what the hell, he's blind and he wont see them. So she opens the door. They guy walks in and says "Nice tits. Where do you want the blinds?"