A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

The Elephant and the Mouse

An elephant and a mouse are walking together through the jungle when the elephant falls into a very large hole. The hole is so large that try as he might, the elephant is unable to climb out. So the mouse says, "Hang around, I'll get something to drag you out with" and leaves. A little while later the mouse returns driving a Porsche and with a rope tied to the bumper bar and he drags the elephant out of the hole.
The two friends continue their stroll through the jungle when all of a sudden, the mouse falls into a hole. The elephant immediately stands over the hole and squatting over it, lowers his penis so the mouse can grab it and lift himself out of the hole.
The moral of this story is that "IF YOUR DICK IS LONG ENOUGH YOU DONT NEED A PORSCHE."

The Misunderstood Barber

A little girl was licking a Popsicle at a barber shop and drops it into a heap of cut hair lying on the floor, the barber says to her: Oh, "have you got hair on your candy"? "No", answers the little girl, "I'm only three."

The Sex Pills

There was a man with a daughter, son, and a wife. The man and his wife were not having very good sex lately so the man went to a doctor and told him about their problems and the doctor perscribed a pill for the man to take. The doctor warned thought that if the man took more than one pill the side effects could be damaging. The man made sure to take only one pill and he had the best sex of his life! He went back to the doctor and told him the good news. The doctor said that it was great but warned to take only one pill. The doctor started to worry after a week and a half had gone by and he hadn't heard from the man so he decided to go and make a house call. When he got to the house he saw the mans son on the front porch and noticed he was crying. The doctor asked why he was crying and the boy replied, "Mommy is dead, my sister is pregnant, my butt hurts, and daddy is running around the house calling, here kitty, kitty, kitty!

The Hazards of Alcohol

Three guys are sitting in the pub with hangovers from the night before... The first guy says "I was so drunk last night, I woke up this morning with my pajamas on over my clothes !"
The second guy says "That's nothing, I was so drunk I had sex with a woman who I don't even know and my wife walked in and I didn't even care!"
The third guy says, "You think that's bad, I was blowing chunks all night !"
"That's not so bad," said the other two.
"No no, you don't understand " said the third guy, "'Chunks' is the name of my dog!"