If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.
Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said "Hey, how's it going?". So I grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his head and said "Now whose asking the questions?"
There should be a detective show called 'Johnny Monkey'. That way every week a criminal could say, "I ain't gonna get caught by no monkey," but then he would, and I don't think I'd ever get tired of that.
When I die, I would like to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my Grandfather did. Not screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car.
If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them is probably a joke that gets old real fast.
If you go to a party, and you want to be the popular one at the party, do this: Wait until no one is looking, then kick a burning log out of the fireplace onto the carpet. Then jump on top of it with your body and yell, "Log o' fire! Log o' fire!" I've never done this, but I think it'd work.
Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.
When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.
Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know, most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from invasion by another group." "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo,
flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful
rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his
feet. And also, you're drunk.
I bet when the Neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always
end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all
get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too,
and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any
toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with
rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face
with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and
offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but
then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a
little, but that's the way of these people.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't
just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good
ideas.
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a
solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them
personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We
might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe
you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free
dummy.
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made
a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she
disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to
dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he
told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think
liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong,
though. It's Hambone.
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie
heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm,
boy.
Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of
freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks
at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not
Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.
The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large
blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if
someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean
this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes,
where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?
Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a
big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get
the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your
balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big
Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought
it was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking
it, like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you...
The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard
and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much,
but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to
the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned
out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left
town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold
nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and
the doctor's bills were real high.
Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody
called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class
and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but
to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket
Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after
about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe
later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town.
Bye, Cricket Boy.
A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by
a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten
feet and pretend that you got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with
him about whose going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying.
That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.
I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was
coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?"
"Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that
uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy
space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and
make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at
inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought
something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me,
some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the
handcuffs go on.
Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old
stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the
treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a
plane to catch, you know." He started telling his story, about the treasure
and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then,
he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long."
But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story
wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was
a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going
to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may
the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and
they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain
about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
If i was being executed by lethal injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat.
Then when they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection? I thought you said
inspection." Then maybe they might end up feeling real bad, and maybe i
could get out of it
I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He
sort of smiled and said, "Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why
don't we go out to the horse pasture and I'll show you." So we did, and
there on the ground were my parents having sex.
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and
if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular
window.
You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the
summertime, to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests? Just a big bag
of blood.
If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I
don't think it's going to affect things one way or the other. But here's the
point I'm trying to make: Corn on the cob is good, isn't it.
It's really sad when a family can be torn apart by something as simple as
wild dogs.
I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp.
That way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat
him. How about it, science?
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be
"Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But
then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just
looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the
patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and
you'd say, "Aw f*ck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even
pay his bill.
I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.
I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.
Whenever anyone says "I can't," it makes me wish he'd get stung to death by about ten thousand bees. When he says "I'll try," five thousand bees. ("I can," one bee.)
A wise man would pick up a grain of sand and envision the entire universe, a stupid man would role in seaweed, stand up, and say, "Look, I'm vine man."
You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a flea? Getting caught inside a watch somehow. You don't even care, do you.
I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake!
Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.
To us, it might look like just a rag. But to the brave, embattled men of the fort, it was more than that. It was a flag of surrender. And after that, it was torn up and used for shoe-shine rags, so the men would look nice for the surrender.
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you're serious about adopting the vulture.
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."
If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!
I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.
It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire.
If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Sometimes, when I lie in bed at night and look up at the stars, I think to myself, "Man! I really need to fix that roof."
If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat).
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.
Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.
Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.
I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.
In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.
Probably to a shark about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because where does he think he's going?!
If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"
Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just
a lawn mower.
I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog.
Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his
stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet.
So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them,
right?
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some
people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks.
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world
peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the
looting started.
To the humorous quotes!
To the song quotes!
Dan Quayle, eh?
Back to the index!
To the deep thoughts!
Types of shit!