"Trying is the first step toward
failure."
"America's health care system is second only to Japan...
Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, ... well all of Europe. But you
can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!"
"Dear Homer, IOU one emergency donut. Signed Homer.
Bastard! He's always one step ahead."
"Marge, please. Old people don't need companionship. They
need to be isolated and studied so that it can be determined what
nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal
use."
"Well, I'm tired of being a wannabe league bowler. I
wanna be a league bowler!"
"When I look at the smiles on all the children's
faces,,...I just know they're about to jab me with
something."
"I saw this movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a
city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it
would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That couldn't Slow
Down.'"
"Vampires are make believe, just like elves and gremlins
and eskimos!"
"English - Who needs that? I'm never going to
England!"
"The Americans are not so bad, they named a street after me in San Francisco." (whispering) "It's full of WHAT?!?!"
"Better cut the pizza in four slices. I'm not hungry enough to eat six."
Anyone who eats three meals a day should understand why cookbooks outsell sex books three to one.
"There's a New Mexico?"
"Shut up, Brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip!"
"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!"
"Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This Bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy."
"All right, brain. You don't like me and I don't like you, but let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer."
"Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?"
"If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it - Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!"
"What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts."
"Hey, I asked for ketchup! I'm eatin' salad here!"
"Trying is the first step towards failure."
"Don't eat me! I have a wife and kids, eat them!"
"Just a statue? Is the Statue of Liberty just a statue? Is the Leaning Tower of Pizza just a statue?"
"Get away bees!!!..shoo!...oow.....OOOWW!!!!! Oh, they're defending themselves somehow...!!"
"Please. Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so that it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use."
"The lesson is: Our God is vengeful! O spiteful one, show me who to smite and they shall be smoten!!!"
"And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?"
"Me lose brain? Uh, oh! Ha ha ha! Why I laugh?"
"Ah, beer, my one weakness. My achille's heel, if you will."
"They have the Internet on computers, now?"
"This donut has purple in the middle, purple is a fruit."
"If the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."
"Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless."
"Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races."
"I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but what about those really smart ones who live among us? Who roller-skate and smoke cigars?"
"Because sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves!"
"I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?"
"Son, a woman is a lot like a... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and... um... Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!"
"Marge, I agree with you -- in theory. In theory, communism works. In theory."
"I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me."
Women's creed: Men are like linoleum. If you lay them right the first
time, you can walk on them for 20 years.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because
I hate plants. -- A. Whitney Brown
Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've
wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went
to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to
calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the
doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what
I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side
of its head with a note that says "You." After that, I usually
feel a lot better, and no harm done.
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those really high
notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to
take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old
burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned
down." He cried and cried, but I think deep down he thought it was
a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but
it was getting pretty late.
If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He like
enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!
In the beginning the Universe was created... This made a lot of people
angry and was widely regarded as a bad move.
-- Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
"I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it."
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
"Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up
the pillow was gone."
-- Tommy Cooper
"Crime does not pay... as well as politics."
-- Alfred E. Newman
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
--Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
-- His reply
Lady Astor: "Mr. Churchill, you're drunk!"
Winston Churchill: "Yes, and you, Madam, are ugly. But tomorrow, I
shall be sober."
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain---unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.
I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn't!
There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.
We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.
Sometimes I think I would like to be named The Prince of Weasels. As the Prince of Weasels, I could sneak up behind people and bite them. Then they would turn around and say, "what the...oh, it's just you the Prince of Weasels."
If gay and lesbian people are given civil rights, then everyone will want them!
Isn't it a violation of the Georgia sodomy law for the Supreme Court to have its head up its ass?
Jesse Helms and Newt Gingrich were shaking hands congratulating themselves on the introduction of an antigay bill in Congress. If it passes, they won't be able to shake hands, because it will then be illegal for a prick to touch an asshole.
Getting down on all fours and imitating a rhinoceros stops babies from crying. (Put an empty cigarette pack on your nose for a horn and make loud "snort" noises.) I don't know why parents don't do this more often. Usually it makes the kid laugh. Sometimes it sends him into shock. Either way it quiets him down. If you're a parent, acting like a rhino has another advantage. Keep it up until the kid is a teenager and he definitely won't have his friends hanging around your house all the time.
Politicians are like diapers. They both need changing regularly and for the same reason.
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. ~Clarence Darrow
George Washington is the only president who didn't blame the previous administration for his troubles. ~Author Unknown
Deep Thoughts
Good ol' Jack Handey
Quotes from songs!
Actually said by politicians!
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