Buffybot in Tabula Rasa
PAIRING: None
RATING: PG-13
FEEDBACK: Very welcome, to [email protected]
BETA: Miss Murchison - thanks!
SETTING: This fic is set during the events of 'Tabula Rasa' in BtVS Series 6, when the Scoobies temporarily lose their memories. I've twiddled with the time sequence in the episode a tiny bit, but just call it artistic licence.
DISCLAIMER: The characters belong to Joss. I’m borrowing, and I promise to put them all back in reasonably good condition, and only slightly used.
NOTE: This story is a sequel to Buffybot Behind Bars!, but it can perfectly well be read as a stand-alone.
SCENE: A house in Sunnydale
Chapter Three
As Buffybot charged across the street, she cried her splendid Xena The Warrior Princess battle cry.
“Arr-ow-arr-ow-arr-ow-a-arr!” she yodelled. If only she had a chakram!
The vampires - and one - fish, was it? - turned, startled, and broke into a run, dashing madly in many different directions. Buffybot ran after the nearest vampire, swinging her sword in a thrilling arc. This was super, super fun! She had a couple of stakes tucked in her waistband, so she only needed to cut the vampire’s legs off, and then she could stake him good and proper.
But unfortunately he was a very speedy vampire, and he was unsportingly refusing to turn and do battle. As they pounded down the street, Buffybot frowned. She was starting to feel a bit stupid, yodelling and swinging her sword, when the Evil Villain was steadfastly refusing to fight her. She shut her mouth, and held her sword by her side, and put on a burst of supernatural speed. As she did so, she heard a hiss of hydraulics, and her leg faltered beneath her. Buffybot spun and collapsed to the ground like a hamstrung athlete.
So much for Practical Robotics, she thought indignantly, levering herself to her feet with her sword. I don’t think the man who wrote that book had any idea what he was talking about! She limped slowly back down the street towards the Magic Box.
... ... ... ... ...
Joan looked at the door
nervously. She knew she was a super strong super hero of course, but those
vampires were awful scary ... "We need to go," she said resolutely, "Ready,
Randy?"
Randy gave her a firm, serious nod. "Ready, Joan." He threw the door open, and they rushed out into the street. There was a blur of motion in the corner of his eye, and Joan fell. He rushed to her aid.
“Mrmph!” cried Joan, thrashing under the weight of her attacker.
“Buffy!” cried the Buffybot, “you’re not in Oxford after all!” In her enthusiasm she had forgotten about her damaged leg, so when she had rushed forward to embrace Buffy she had toppled over and dragged her to the ground. "Sorry about knocking you over!" she cried merrily, dragging them both to their feet. "I hurt my leg fighting with a scaredy cat vampire!" And she squeezed Buffy’s ribs extra hard, delighted to have found her friend.
Joan squeaked.
“Sorry again!” said the Buffybot. “I forgot about my super human strength for a minute there. Luckily you are ever so hard to damage!” She punched Joan on the shoulder in a friendly manner, then stared, alarmed, as Joan sank to the ground again, clutching her shoulder.
Joan rose slowly to her feet. "Uh, whoever you are, she said slowly. "I may be a super hero and super strong and stuff - but that sure hurt."
Buffybot hurriedly ran a detailed diagnostic. Her lips formed into a 'ooh!" of alarm. She rushed forward and grabbed Buffy's arm sympathetically. Joan flinched backward, but her wrist was locked in an iron grip.
"I'm ever so sorry, again!" said Buffybot. "Jonathan has miscalibrated my arm." She frowned, "If only I had my 18 piece right angled wrench set with me!"
She released Buffy, and turned to Randy. He looked around for a place to run, but he was cornered.
“Spike!” Buffybot cried, and grabbed him in an enthusiastic bear hug.
He groaned, as his ribs creaked.
"Ahem," said Joan, wondering just who this tiny lethal little airhead was. Buffybot released Randy and turned to her expectantly.
Randy blinked and the stars in front of his eyes faded. He took a couple of shaky breaths. Oh my word! This strange unnaturally powerful girl was a dead ringer for the other strange unnaturally powerful girl he had just met - to whit, Joan.
"Good Lord," he said, "twins with Super Powers, how extraordinary!"
"What?" said Joan.
"What?" said Buffybot.
They stared at each other, and then at Randy. As alike at two peas in a pod.
"I so do not look like her!" said Joan, pointing an indignant finger at Buffybot. "Look at that dopey expression, and that skirt - and that hair!"
"My hair is naturally curly!" said Buffybot, thrilled that Joan had noticed. She bounced up and down a bit.
Randy eyed her nervously. Something about their new friend seemed off to him, although he couldn't quite put his finger on it ... but she had mentioned vampires, and said she'd been hurt fighting one, so it seemed she was on the right side at least. "We were coming out to fight the evil vampires," he said cautiously, "but they seem to have disappeared."
"They ran away," said Buffybot proudly, "when I waved my sword at them." She waved her sword in a generous arc about her head. Randy and Joan ducked. "And the fish," she added. "He ran like crazy! I didn't know fish could run, or wear suits! It's not in my Grolier Encyclopaedia."
Randy edged up to Joan. "Our new friend seems a few sandwiches short of a picnic to me," he whispered. "Perhaps we should humour her until we find out more." He smiled at the Buffybot, who sent him a big grin zinging right back. She had heard every word he said of course, with her super hearing. Sandwiches! And a picnic! And they were going to humor her. How sweet!
Randy smiled at her, “You’re obviously a sweet lovely girl - and very handy with that sword of yours!” he added as she swished it shyly near his shins - “and very friendly, with the hugging and all...”
Buffybot wiggled, delighted. Spike was being really nice! So, what nice thing could she say about Spike? “And you’ve got a very attractive penis.” said said. She mentally flicked through an old data file, Stuff to Say to Naked Men, "And big," she added, "very big. Big and attractive! When you go to the shower I bet other men look at your penis, and say, "Gosh, I wish I had a penis as big and attractive as that one!"
Randy backed away, alarmed. When had this loony seen his penis? He couldn't - he quailed at the thought - he couldn't - he couldn't be her boyfriend, could he? He turned away from Buffybot, and came face to face with Buffy, who raised a sardonic eyebrow.
“Always interesting information to have,” she drawled. She turned to Buffybot, “and I’d also be interested to learn how you came by that information sometime. But right now we have vampires to kill.”
“Ahem, yes.” Randy coughed, and then looked Buffybot sincerely in the eye. "Our names are Randy and Joan," he said, speaking slowly and clearly. "We're vampire hunters, but unfortunately we've temporarily lost our memories, so we're not sure exactly what we're doing here."
"I think you're on a Quest!" said the Buffybot brightly. She had been confused for a minute when Spike said Buffy was Joan, and he was Randy - but luckily she had worked it out, before she said anything silly! After all, what else could explain Jonathan saying Buffy and Spike were in Oxford, and then their showing up here under assumed names, and wearing funny clothes? As she had asked herself that question, a light bulb had come on over her head. It was a Role Playing Game - and they were In Character!
Buffybot bounced up and down, hugging herself. She hoped all the good characters weren't taken yet! She wanted to have a super power, and a magic weapon! And ideally cute shorts and a little backpack like Lara Croft - she would have to hunt for those, just as soon as she fixed her leg. "What is the Quest?" she said eagerly.
Joan looked at her uncertainly, "Well, first of all we need to kill the vampires - and then we're heading for the hospital."
Buffybot nodded seriously - they couldn't let a Role Play Game get in the way of the slaying evil creatures, naturally. And clearly it was a secret Quest, and the hospital would be where the first clue was. Excellent!
But there was one thing she wasn't sure about yet. "How about the fish?" she asked. "I'm not sure about the fish. I mean obviously if it's a demon fish we should Slay it."
Randy exchanged another significant look with Joan. "We'll ask it," he said, "when we catch up with it."
"Good idea!" said Buffybot, "and if he is a demon you can cut him to pieces! Like this! Swoosh!" She produced a pile of imaginary demon steaks with a few elegant and wristy actions of her sword. "But unfortunately I can't come with you 'til I've fixed my leg," she said sadly. She looked at the Magic Box - Giles had tools.
"Grea ...! I mean, too bad." said Joan. She crossed her arms defensively. Obviously this sword wielding maniac couldn't be any relation of hers - in spite of a certain superficial resemblance. She grabbed Randy's arm, and began to tow him down the street.
"Got to get on with that vampire slaying," she said firmly.
"I'll catch you up!" said Buffybot, waving merrily.
"Not if I can help it," muttered Joan. And she set off down the street at a pace that made Randy break into a little run.
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