Buffybot Behind Bars
PAIRING: None
RATING: PG-13
FEEDBACK: Very welcome, to [email protected]
BETA: Miss Murchison - thanks!
SETTING: The summer before the start of season 6. Buffy is gone, Buffybot is doing her best to fill the gap.
DISCLAIMER: The only characters who belong to me are the ones you’ve never heard of before. Otherwise, I’m borrowing, and I promise to put them all back in good condition, and only slightly used...
Chapter 1: Buffybot is Misunderstood
Buffybot skipped through the cemetery - she was having a simply lovely time! She bounced up and down lightly on her toes, totally thrilled. Giles had pronounced her weapons training complete, and Willow had sent her out on her own, not only with her trusty stake, Mr Pointy Mark II, but also with a real life lovely shiny curvy sword - and it was wicked sharp!
She drew it in one smooth movement from her shoulder harness and swished it admiringly. It made a faint sussurating sound as it cut through the air.
“Whoosh!” said Buffybot happily, “whoosh, whoosh, whoosh!”
Now, if only a vampire or a demon would show up, she would show those darned creatures of the night that goodness stood triumphant, by golly! She bounced along whistling a happy tune, swishing her sword as she went.
There was the sound of scuffling in the distance, then shots, and a scream. Buffybot ran eagerly towards the disturbance. As she veered around a large crypt, she saw two large and particularly ugly demons, dripping with slime, apparently jumping up and down on something.
“Ow, ow, you lousy bastards!” she heard a familiar voice cry. It was Spike. They were jumping on Spike!
“Ooh,” breathed Buffybot, outraged, “they’re evil demons all right!”
She raised her sword and ran full tilt, bringing it down at a sloping angle into the first demon’s neck. Purple gunk sprayed fiercely outward in a stinking fountain, soaking her cool leather pilot’s jacket in an instant.
Another dry cleaning bill, thought Buffybot guiltily, Willow is going to be sooo mad at me! Again!
She wrenched the sword from the demon’s neck, and stepped over him as he fell. The second demon looked up and paused with one foot raised over the prone Spike’s ribcage, when suddenly there was a chorus of shots and the whole of his front exploded in a spray of purple and red.
Buffybot paused. Most of the gunk had fallen on Spike, who now lay groaning in a slick of bits, and... smaller bits. Buffybot leaned forward, concerned; she hoped Spike was okay!
The night exploded into a stampede of demons - big and small, ugly and kind of cute, all charging in her direction. Well, golly, she thought ruefully, be careful what you wish for, eh?
She gripped her sword more firmly, adjusted her stance, and then set about her as the demons came into range. Soon her sword was a blur of motion and a pile of demon parts grew about her. Buffybot swung again and again and again - hey, here was demon in a cap! That was odd, did demons wear caps? She stopped her blade dead in mid flight. Oops, she’d nearly decapitated a person!
The man had thrown himself back onto the ground to avoid her blade. He was wearing kevlar body armour and that funny little cap on his head, and it had words on it... She spelled it out to herself - P. O. L. I. C. E. Hey! She knew what that meant! He was a policeman. A warrior for good, in the titanic struggle that existed against evil - fighting for truth, justice and the American way! Buffybot smiled blindingly at him as he rose to his feet, brought his nightstick up, and whacked her hard on the side of her head.
“Ow!” Buffybot said, indignantly, “that was rude.” She shook her sword admonishingly in the policeman’s face. “Now I have a dent!”
“Drop the knife! Now!”
Buffybot turned. Another policeman stood to her right, gun drawn.
The officer turned to his friend with the nightstick, “Are you ok, Sid?”
Sid was gasping, his hands on his knees. He shook his head wordlessly.
“I’m afraid I haven’t got a knife,” said Buffybot, “but if I did have one,” she added helpfully, “I certainly would drop it, because it is every citizen’s duty to obey the police and to assist them in any way possible.”
The second officer stepped forward “Do not piss us around, kid. We’re all kinda short of a sense of humour right now... so drop it, before I drop you.”
“Is your sense of humour damaged?” said Buffybot, concerned, “I’ve had that problem - and I’m afraid the only solution is major reprogramming. I tried just uploading The Great Big Book of Jokes but it didn’t really work. She looked briefly sad. “They said my jokes were even lamer than Xander’s - and his are pretty lame, believe me.” She brightened, “But I still think this one is good - what do you get if you cross a snowball and a shark? Frostbite!”
“Drop. The big knife. You have in your hand.” The officer spoke through clenched teeth - why did he always get the dope heads?
“Oh!” Buffybot glanced at her sword. “This isn’t a knife, not even a big knife,” she said kindly. “It’s a sword - and it’s wicked sharp, I can tell you. I can slice a demon in half with it, like this!” She drew the sword through the air, splitting an imaginary demon neatly into two vertical sections.
“Whoosh!” she said happily.
The two officers flinched despite themselves - this kid really was crazy - perhaps she was on PCP?
Sid had regained his breath, and drawn his own gun. “Ok,” he said slowly, “We are going to count to three. And if you haven’t dropped the knife,” he twitched a little, “or sword if you prefer; we are going to have to add a whole other list of charges to your sheet - and it’s going to be pretty long already, believe me.”
“My sheet?” said Buffybot, confused. What sheet? she asked herself - she saw no sheet. Was this some really bad joke, like the one about the elephant in the fridge, that she just wasn’t getting - the officer had said their humour was impaired. Well, it was always rude not to laugh at a joke, even if it was majorly lame. She should make the effort.
“Ha, ha, ha!” she laughed, pressing her hand to her side. “That’s a good one. My ribs are aching now, and I’ve laughed so hard I may have blown a gasket somewhere!”
“Drop. The. Damn. Sword!” Sid shouted. He was sweating profusely. The pressure of this job was getting to him.
Buffybot bent down and placed the sword carefully on the ground. She stood up grinning. “Were you chasing the demons?” she said interestedly, “because they sure came through in a big crowd!”
“Demons?” said the second officer suspiciously.
“These demons.” Buffybot gestured to the pile of corpses and body parts about her. “Well, these and the others that got away.”
“Listen to me very carefully,” said the officer, speaking slowly and clearly. “There are no demons. Demons don’t exist. You’re imagining the demons....”
“Demons do exist!” said Buffybot indignantly. “Why, I fight them all the time. Except for the good demons of course,” she added as an afterthought. “Like Spike. Oh, hey, Spike - I forgot to see if he was all right.” She turned eagerly to the place where Spike’s prone body lay. “You can ask Spike about demons,” she said, “he can tell you....”
But Spike had disappeared.
Chapter 2: The Scoobies are Alarmed
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