Buffybot Behind Bars
PAIRING: None
RATING: PG-13
FEEDBACK: Very welcome, to [email protected]
BETA: Miss Murchison - thanks!
SETTING: The summer before the start of season 6. Buffy is gone, Buffybot is doing her best to fill the gap.
DISCLAIMER: The only characters who belong to me are the ones you’ve never heard of before. Otherwise, I’m borrowing, and I promise to put them all back in good condition, and only slightly used...
Chapter 13: Unexpected Consequences
It was nightime in the desert, and it was rapidly growing cold. Bright moonlight shone down on the rolling sand and scrub, casting weird shadows across the ground. Xander and Anya hunched under the sage bush, dressed in camouflage gear and with boot polish smeared on their faces. Sunnydale Women’s Penitentiary glowed below them, like a football stadium geared up for a big game, floodlights shining in a myriad directions. Xander pressed the power switch on Tara’s now specially boosted cell phone and it glowed with an eerie green luminosity in the darkness.
Xander selected Buffybot and pressed send. A merry little procession of beeps rang out in to the echoing darkness - beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep!
“Aargh!” yelled Xander, and dropped the phone.
Anya scooped it up. “For heaven’s sake, dummy," she said indignantly, "didn’t it occur to you to turn the sound down before we set off!”
“You turn the sound down,” hissed Xander. This last was in a furious whisper. “A deaf naked mole rat could hear you right now!"
"All naked mole rats are deaf, Xander, they don’t have ears.” said Anya, "we both saw the same dreary program - just last week, remember, when I said no way were we ever hanging out with Tara and Willow again when Survivor was on."
"If they're all deaf, that just means all of them can hear you!" said Xander furiously.
Anya frowned at him, "well that just makes no sense at all," she said. "If they're deaf..."
"Will you please, please just shut up!" hissed Xander.
"..clearly they can’t hear me....”
“Please, please shut up!” shouted Xander.
“...and anyway, they live in Africa," said Anya. “They’re not going to hear me from there.”
Xander buried his heads in his hands briefly, then snatched the phone from Anya. They glared at one another in the glow of the cell phone’s display screen. A faint ringing sound made itself heard, and with an exclamation, Xander clamped it to his ear. “It’s ringing,” he said excitedly.
............
It was 9pm on Saturday night and the inmates of Sunnydale Women’s Penitentiary were gathered around the television room in companionable silence, waiting for their weekly fix of Xena: The Warrior Princess. Some of them were there for the exciting, but morally satisfying storylines, some for the semi naked women and the gay subtext; still more for the epic destruction of property and the gratuitous violence. (There were also one or two very sad souls doing the Costume Design course, looking for inspiration.) The room was agog.
Buffybot sat between Trixie and Sal near the back, bouncing up and down in her chair. Xena was a big hit in the Summers household, and she’d seen all the episodes before, but that just made it more fun.
Xena’s wild cry rang out through the rec room, as she waved her sword and then thundered across the horizon on her horse. Miss Bozell pursed her lips disapprovingly. She recognised phallic symbolism when she saw it.
“Ooh!” said Buffybot, “I’ve seen this one five times. Willow really likes this one. Xena has a fight with Ga..”
“Buffy!” said Trixie, “I know it’s re-runs, but we haven’t seen it, remember? So don’t spoil the plot, ’kay?”
“Ok!” said Buffybot, “but there’s this one really cool bit where Xena takes all her cl..”
“No!” said Sal firmly. “We love you dearly, Buffy...”
“Yeah,” interrupted Trixie, smirking at Sal. “We love you dearly, Buffy!”
Sal glared at her, “But,” she said emphatically to Buffybot, “if you try to tell us the plot we’re gonna have to strangle you. So shut your piehole, ok?”
Buffybot’s eyes went round - she didn’t want to be strangled, but she loved talking about Xena. Ooh, this was gonna be hard!
..............
The cell phone continued to ring, and ring. Xander still hunched under the bush, the phone clamped to his ear. Anya sat glumly on the ground regarding the ghostly outline of her desert boots in the moonlight. This mission had sounded so exciting, but it was dull, dull, dull! Finally Xander stood up.
“I’m going to try a little further up the hill,” he said. “Maybe being as close as possible isn’t the point. Maybe it’s line of sight.” He trudged away up the slope while Anya amused herself tossing little sage brush twigs into the deep pool of darkness at the base of the bush a foot or so away.
.........
Xena and Gabrielle were arguing about using a scroll as toilet paper. The inmates at Sunnydale Women’s Penitentiary rolled in the aisles.
“She wiped her ass on it!” yelled one inmate, “Geez there’s some documents I’ve wanted to wipe my ass on, believe me! My divorce settlement for one!” Laughter swelled around the room.
Miss Bozell frowned. She was beginning to wonder if this program was suitable viewing.
..........
Xander hunkered down beside a scree covered slope, carefully avoiding making a silhouette against the horizon. He pressed ‘redial’.
Xena stared at her frying pan. She opened her mouth... and the screen broke up into a Picasso-esque rendition of dislocated body parts, all dancing about each other. Her voice was drowned in a sea of angry white noise.
Xander pulled the phone away from his ear and sighed, he wasn’t getting anywhere.
..........
"No-o-o!" wailed Sal. "Xena, come back!"
Trixie patted her consolingly on the back. "They'll have it fixed in a minute, hon," she said. "It'll just be one of those goddamned military helicopters going over again, or something."
Sal had grabbed Buffybot's forearm in her anguish. Buffybot leant over and carefully pried Sal's fingers from her arm. "You're liable to damage your fingers doing that." she said kindly, "my arm's very hard."
Sal looked down at her finger tips, which were indeed looking slightly flattened. "Sorry, Buffy," she said. "It's just I'm a big fan. If they don't fix it..."
The inmates were stirring restlessly. Miss Bozell bustled importantly to the front and gave the set a sharp rap. The picture jagged to the right, then back again. The roaring sound got louder.
..........
Xander looked at the phone in his hand, still ringing away. I'll count to a hundred, he told himself.
"Ee-e-e-e!" Suddenly the night was riven by a terrible scream. Xander scrambled to his feet, his heart in his throat - and a hurtling black shape knocked him to the ground. Xander struck out blindly.
“Ow!” shouted Anya, “It’s me, you idiot! I’m being chased.”
“Where? By what?” said Xander, pushing Anya behind him and peering nervously into the darkness.
“By a snake!” yelled Anya, “An evil, slimy venomous asp!”
Xander relaxed slightly. Anya sucked in her breath and clutched his arm convulsively, surprising a little scream from Xander’s throat. “Are the snakes round here venomous?” she said nervously.
“Don’t do that,” said Xander, peeling Anya’s hand from his arm and moving away a pace. He turned to face her in the darkness. “And sure, the snakes are venomous. Highly venomous. Rattlers and stuff. Wait, did it bite you?” Xander shucked off his knapsack hurriedly and drew his Bowie knife. The blade flashed in the moonlight. “Don’t worry - I’ll save you, I know what to do! I cut the bite in a big ‘v’ with my knife, then I suck the poison out!” He cut a dramatic ‘v’ in the air to demonstrate.
“Are you mad?” yelled Anya. “Do you know how that would scar? Anyway,” she calmed slightly, “the snake didn’t bite me.” She peered nervously into the darkness, “But it could have!” she said, building up steam again. “You mean to say you brought me to a place with venomous snakes in it, in the dark, and you made us sit down, under a bush? Without even mentioning the venomous snakes! Were you trying to kill me? Or are you just lethally stupid!”
“Snakes sleep at night,” said Xander, “To conserve heat. I learnt that on my survival course- or maybe it was PBS - anyway, they’re really nothing to worry about.”
“And where do you think they might sleep, Xander?” said Anya dangerously, “do you think maybe, oh I don’t know, under a bush somewhere!” She punched his arm furiously, and stomped off into the gloom back towards the car.
“Anya!” shouted Xander, scooping up his knapsack and hurrying after her. “Wait for me!”
The cell phone lay on the ground several feet away, glowing a sinister green, and still ringing faintly into the darkness.
............
Sunnydale Women’s Penitentiary Recreation Room was in uproar. The television picture was now almost entirely gone. Just an occasional flash of green, or a shimmer of black flickered by to suggest the presence of the Warrior Princess or her sidekick. The hissing had risen to a roar. Sal sat, her eyes fixed despairingly on the screen, which had now transformed from a Picasso still life to a angry seascape by Turner.
Other inmates were more militant. They had surrounded Miss Bozell and were demanding action.
Buffybot patted Sal gently on the knee. "Would you like me to tell you what happened next, Sal?" she said. "Xena and Gabrielle took a bath together. It was real funny...."
Sal buried her head in her hands.
.............
Xander pulled up to the Summers house and killed the headlights. He and Anya sat in a tense silence for a moment, then Anya opened the passenger door, stepped out, and slammed it violently behind her.
Tara answered the door to Anya’s angry ring. “Well!” said Anya, striding into the hall, “that was a complete and utter waste of my time! Don’t come begging to me the next time you want a felony committed. Crime is bo-ring!” She pushed past Tara and into the house.
Xander limped through the door behind her, his hand on the small of his back. “I have got to get that driver’s seat replaced,” he said.
“No luck?” said Tara anxiously.
Xander dumped his knapsack on the table with a sigh. “Nope,” he said, “nothing happened at all.”
“Poor Buffybot!” said Tara. “I just hope she’s not having things too bad. Still, it may be for the best. Giles thinks he can get her out the legal way by tomorrow afternoon. That’s something.”
Xander frowned. “Is that going to be early enough?” he said doubtfully.
“Borderline,” said Tara, “but still better than Monday.”
“How’s Will doing with the Head?” said Xander, “not that it matters much now.”
“It’s work in progress,” said Tara evasively. She looked at the knapsack. “Can I have my cell phone back? I think I can take the patch out.”
Xander felt in his right trouser pocket, then the left, and then in each of the many, many pockets in his camouflage jacket. “Ah,” he said, then opened his knapsack and started frantically going through the contents, while Tara watched with increasing suspicion. Finally, he turned towards her, palms outward. “You see, he said sheepishly, “there was this snake...”
............
Sunnydale Women’s Penitentiary recreation room was a very unhappy place. The television’s sound had been turned down, but the screen was an abstract colour storm, zigging and zagging in a fashion bound to make the viewer seasick. Most of the inmates had left in disgust, but a few stubborn souls hung on, gazing upwards from time to time, hoping for a breakthrough.
“..and then, Gabrielle said, “All right. I know you let me hit you,” and that was the end.” said Buffybot triumphantly. “I know all the lines! Because I’m super good at remembering things!”
Sal sat silently, looking at the floor. It was almost too much to bear. Xena and Gabrielle naked in a hot tub, and she missed it. Had the Fates decided that being in prison just wasn’t punishment enough for her?
Suddenly, the screen sprang back into life. Sal gave a hopeful little gasp. The picture resolved and there was Oprah grinning at the camera, saying, “Welcome to a special program of Oprah's practical jokes!” Sal leapt to her feet with a deep baying sound of fury, her chair falling to the floor with a crash behind her. Trixie grabbed her upper arm, then stepped in front of her, as Miss Bozell drilled a suspicious glare across the room. “Oops!” she said loudly, “Silly me.” Buffybot righted the chair and beamed at Miss Bozell, who narrowed her eyes - ha! She might have known that Bott girl had something to do with it. Miss Bozell nodded sharply to herself, that chirpy little crook would bear watching.
Chapter 14: Plan X in Disarray
Feedback is very welcome!
Return to Keswindhover's home page