Buffybot Behind Bars
PAIRING: None
RATING: PG-13
FEEDBACK: Very welcome, to [email protected]
BETA: Miss Murchison - thanks!
SETTING: The summer before the start of season 6. Buffy is gone, Buffybot is doing her best to fill the gap.
DISCLAIMER: The only characters who belong to me are the ones you’ve never heard of before. Otherwise, I’m borrowing, and I promise to put them all back in good condition, and only slightly used...
Chapter 14: Plan X in Disarray
“What do you think?”
Xander had caught up with Anya in the kitchen, as she bit moodily into one of Giles’ Chocolate Digestives. Tasty British biscuits in hand, they stepped into the living room, where Willow was at work. Willow had slaved through the day on her creation, and now hovered over it possessively, a soldering iron in one hand, and a fine point screwdriver in the other.
The new Buffybot head leered up at them.
Xander’s hand froze, with his biscuit half way to his mouth. “It’s...interesting,” he said finally.
Willow pushed a sweaty bang of red hair out of her eye with the back of her hand. “The important thing is that it shouldn’t look like Buffy.”
“Yeah, well,” said Xander, “you’ve sure got that bit licked.”
Anya, still very much annoyed on the topic of snakes, moved up beside Xander and nudged him aside impatiently. Her eyebrows rose. “Actually, it looks kinda like Jack Nicholson.”
Xander squinted his eyes and stepped back a little. “Oh, yeah - only, not just Jack Nicholson, but Jack Nicholson playing the Joker.”
“Yes, precisely,” said Anya, giving Xander a little nod of agreement. “Jack Nicholson, AFTER the plastic surgery went wrong.” Xander laughed.
Willow looked up sharply, “Are you implying something, demon girl?”
“I’m implying that it’s ugly,” said Anya, “I’m implying that it looks like a clown who’s had a freak accident. I’m implying that it’s not good enough to fool the social worker. Have I implied all that clearly enough? Or should I imply some more?”
Willow purpled with rage.
“Oh hey, it’s not that bad,” said Tara nervously. “It just needs some... fine adjustment.” She was hovering by the door, carefully avoiding sight of the Head. “Anyway,” she said hopefully, “we may not need it after all, if Giles’ plan works.”
“Bureaucratic stuff always takes longer than you think it will,” said Xander. He moved closer to the Head, and winced. “It’s, um, it’s a good effort,” he said, lack of conviction ringing in his voice.
“It stinks!” yelled Willow, “I’ve been working on it for 6 hours straight and it still stinks! I hate it when that happens!” She threw her soldering iron to the floor and stomped out of the room. Tara hurried after her.
“Well!” said Anya, “some people are so temperamental.”
“It’s meant to come with being artistic,” said Xander, “but that doesn’t seem to apply in Will’s case.”
Anya and Xander moved closer to the Head.
“Hmm,” said Xander, after a long pause, “I don’t know how good the new Buffybot might have been at fighting demons, but she’d certainly have frightened them.”
.............
Buffybot stepped out of the shower and grinned at the nice lady watching her from across the room. She waved merrily, “I’m absolutely ok, and I didn’t slip or anything. It was real nice of you to be concerned and keep watch though. It is slippery in there, isn’t it?”
.............
The phone rang. Tara started from her seat, and looked across anxiously at Willow who, after a restless night, had this morning returned grimly to work on the Head. Willow gave no sign of hearing, so Tara slipped out of the room, and picked up the phone, just as Xander appeared at the top of the stairs.
“Hello?” she said nervously, “this is the Summers household.”
Willow straightened her back, with a little groan. The Head was not improving, for all her efforts. Maybe the phone call was from Giles. She walked across to the door and looked out into the hall where Tara had picked up the phone.
Something was very wrong. Tara seemed frozen to the spot, and as Willow watched, she gave a sudden anguished little squeak. “Now?” she said, desperation in her voice. “Um, um, it’s really not very conven... yes, I am here - but I have to go out, to, to..... Yes, it has been difficult to arrange a time, yes, I realise we’ve moved the appointment sev...” She stopped mid sentence and stared at the phone in her hand. “He hung up,” she said incredulouly. “I thought social workers were meant to be good listeners, but he wasn’t listening at all.”
“Social workers?” said Willow, hurrying towards her, “Was that Mr Ormsbach? What did he want?”
Xander came down the stairs, closely followed by Anya. They all looked at Tara expectantly.
“He’s coming round this morning,” said Tara hollowly, “He has to work today, and he’s in the area anyway, so he’s coming over.”
“Well, really, Tara,” said Anya, “couldn’t you have put him off?”
“I was trapped from the moment when he asked me if I was Buffy Summers, and I said ‘yes’,” said Tara bitterly. “Once he knew I - Buffy - was in, I couldn’t wriggle out of it.”
“Of course you could,” said Anya. “You just had to tell him that you have an infectious disease, or a family funeral, or that your dog had been run over and you were rushing him to the vet. Lying is easy.”
"Buffy doesn't have a dog," said Tara.
Anya sighed and tapped her forehead. "He doesn't know that, does he?" she said mock patiently. "Look, Tara, hon, I realise you may not have a lot of practice with this concept, but when you're deceiving people the trick is not to tell them the truth. You fabricate, you weave a tissue of falsehood about yourself, you invent stuff."
“It was in the heat of the moment,” said Tara, “my mind went blank. And things are quite complicated enough around here without a phantom dog limping about the place with its leg in a cast." She paused, then said in a rush, “Anyhow, he’s coming over just before midday.”
“Oh. My. God.” said Willow nervously. "He’s gonna be here in a couple of hours." She squared her shoulders, and touched her screwdriver and soldering iron together in an unconscious cross against misfortune.
“Well,” said Anya, looking at the frightening moulded Head framed in doorway behind Willow, “obviously, one of you will have to pretend to be Buffy. It should be Tara - she’s spoken to him on the phone, and she’s blonde... well blonde-ish,” she corrected in the cause of absolute honesty. “Actually, she’s more blonde than Buffy ever was.”
“Buffy’s blonde,” said Xander indignantly. Anya looked at him pityingly. “Isn’t she?” said Xander in a small voice. He paused, “Well, that sucks.”
“I am not going to last a whole interview pretending to be Buffy,” said Tara stubbornly. “I can’t act, at all. He’ll be on to me in a second. These social workers are trained to sniff out suspicious behaviour, you know. Like bloodhounds.” She shivered.
“Well, I suppose it will have to be me then,” said Anya, exasperated. “I can be Buffy!” She brightened, “In fact there’s quite a few things I’d like to say to the social services department...”
“NO-O-O!” shouted everyone together.
Willow looked pleadingly at Tara, “It’s you or Anya... he’s met me already - and Anya's a freak.”
“Hey!” said Anya indignantly.
"It’s for Dawn’s sake, Tara,” said Xander. He put his arm round Tara’s shoulders and gave her a hopeful squeeze.
“I really, really don’t want to do this,” said Tara desperately. “I get terrible stage fright. I got thrown out of the nativity play at kindergarten because I wet myself in the dress rehearsal.” She stepped forward out of Xander’s arm and hugged herself.
“Too much information, sweetie,” said Willow gently, moving forward to pat her, “and anyway, I’m sure that won’t be a problem now you’re all grown up and stuff.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure,” said Tara grimly. She set off at a brisk pace towards the bathroom.
Chapter 15: Buffybot Learns it is Hard to be Human
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