LOW SELF-ESTEEM & HEALING STATEMENTS

Putting Yourself Down

Having a low opinion of yourself or low self-esteem is often depicted as a murky and damaged state of mind somehow caused by a troubled childhood or adolescence. Like the weather, everyone talks about low self-esteem but no one does much about it, probably because low self-esteem thwarts most efforts to remove it.

I look at low self-esteem another way. I see it as a finely honed, highly polished cloaking ritual that holds deep feelings out of awareness. If you have a negative opinion of yourself, watch what happens when you look at another person (or at yourself in a mirror) and say this statement with complete conviction and without smiling or play-acting:

• I know I'm a
  • beautiful (handsome),
  • humorous,
  • intelligent,
  • loveable,
  • powerful,
  • sexy
  woman (man).

Your deep feelings should come pouring out.

Statements like the one above are called affirmations. But affirmation is only part of the story. I will offer a complete discussion of these special statements shortly.

After you have acknowledged the bulk of your difficult deep feelings, your cloaking ritual of low self-esteem goes away because it has lost its job, namely, covering up your deep feelings. Then your self-esteem automatically improves and you can easily say statements like the one given above.

Healing Statements

In the sections below, I present classical healing statements which have served me and my clients well. I have grouped the healing statements according to the deep feeling they free or the cloaking ritual they weaken. It is self-evident that many of the healing statements are far different from affirmations.

Embarrassment

• I love to blush in front of people.
• I show my deepest feelings to everyone.
• I tell people how embarrassed I am.

Loneliness

• I will spend the rest of my life by myself.
• No one knows me.
• I know I'm all alone in the world.

The last statement sometimes uncovers terror.

Grief

In the statements below, the symbol [Name] stands for the term by which the client called his or her loved one in ordinary conversation like:

• [Name], please pass the bread.

[Name] may stand for the ordinary like "Pat" or the affectionate like "Honey" or the bizarre like "Doorknob." Here are some statements to release grief.

• Good-bye, [Name].
• [Name], I know you're gone forever.
• [Name], I know I'll never see you on this earth again.

The last statement is for religious people who believe that they'll see their loved one again in heaven.

Helplessness

• I'm turning my life over to other people.
• I love to be out of control.
• I'm looking for someone to run my life.

Emotional Pain

• I know my love will never be returned.
• I forgive [Name] for everything he or she did to me.
• I'm thankful for everything [Name] did to me.

Note that the last two statements say "to me" rather than "for me" or "with me."

Parental Abuse

In the statements below, the symbol [parent] stands for anyone who helped raise the client: mother, father, aunt, uncle, grandmother, grandfather, older sister, older brother and so on.

• I forgive my [parent] for everything he or she did to me.
• I'm thankful for everything my [parent] did to me.

Never, never offer forgiveness to your real-life abusers. You will only confuse them. By now they are 20 years further down life's road. They are old and tired and getting ready to die. Forgiveness benefits you because it frees you from the abusers in your head, who are young and strong and very much alive.

Parental Neglect

• My [parent] owes me nothing.
• I'm glad my [parent] spoiled my childhood.
• I forgive my [parent] for failing to protect me from my [parent].

When reviewing our expectations of our parents, we should apply the Latin saying:

• Nemo dat quod non habet.
  (Nobody gives what he or she does not have.)

Relief

• I'm glad that [Name] is dead (or gone).

Horror

• I enjoyed seeing [Name] die.
• I liked having my [male parent's] baby scraped out of me.
• I'm glad I killed my child.

In grief work, counselors often overlook the horror of death. The last statement had no connection with murder. In spite of excellent care, the client's child died of illness. The client felt guilty for somehow causing the child's death. That guilt formed a ritual which cloaked the client's horror.

Sexual Abuse

• I liked the sexual attention from my [parent].
• I'm proud of having sex with my [parent].
• Sex with my [parent] was the best part of my childhood.

These statements aim to release the grief linked to sexual abuse. Grief emerges with giving up the "good things" one has shared with another person. And to children, sexual abuse is good when compared to neglect.

Suicide or Self-Mutilation

• I know I will never harm myself.

Physical Illness

• My rheumatoid arthritis is the best gift I ever got.
• My asthma attacks are the best parts of my life.

Coffee Addiction

• I plan to give up coffee for the rest of my life.

Perfectionism

• I love to make mistakes.
• I show my mistakes to everyone.
• Making mistakes is the best part of me.

People who Must Interest or Entertain Others

• I love to bore other people.

Obsessive Clients

Obsessive clients will practice a statement in their heads until they've drained away all of its emotional clout. The helper with deep feelings can prevent this drainage by changing the statement slightly for each repetition. For example:

• I love to be dirty.
• I tell everyone how dirty I am.
• Dirtiness is my best quality.
• Germs are good for me.
• Filth is fine with me.
• I plan to be dirty for the rest of my life.

And so on.

Sociopaths (People who Love to Break the Rules)

• I'll always follow the rules.
• Following the rules is the high point of my life.

Watch for the emergence of emotional pain.

Making the Binding Statement Explicit

Interpersonal expression of the statement that binds a cloaking ritual together allows critical examination and interpretation of that statement. As a result, the truth-value of the binding statement is put into question. For example, a guilty woman said,

• I caused my father's alcoholism.

The helper with deep feelings used humor to reframe (and question) this statement by saying,

• You're good but you ain't that good!

Constructing Healing Statements

The first half of a healing statements contains the word "I" or "me" or "my" linked to an expression of unconditional acceptance or approval. For example:

• I love . . . .
• I want . . . .
• I know . . . .
• . . . is fine with me.
• . . . pleases me.
• My best quality is . . . .
• My deepest desire is . . . .

The second half of a healing statement counteracts whatever the client is dwelling on. For example, if a client is talking about her failures to control her teenage daughter, a possible healing statement might go like this:

• I love to be at the mercy of my teenage daughter.

Avoid Negatives

The negatives "not" and its contraction "-n't" weaken the impact of a healing statement. Avoid their use. Negative statements send a double message. Take this example:

• I'm not telling you what to do.

This is really two statements which oppose one another.

• I'm telling you what to do.
• I'm avoiding telling you what to do.

No matter which one of these two messages the speaker wants to convey, the presence of a negative confuses the listener. Negatives have no place in healing statements.

If you want to clear up your communication with others, remove the word "not" (and "-n't") from your speech. This is quite hard to do. Here are some examples to help you.

  Don't do that.             Stop doing that.
  Don't come here.           Stay away from here.
  I won't do that.           I have no intention of doing that.
  I do not like that.        I dislike that.
  That will not happen.      That will never happen.
  You should not do that.    You should avoid doing that.
  Don't tell me what to do.  Keep your advice to yourself.

Short Healing Statements

Fourteen words constitute the upper limit for the number of words that a healing statement can contain. The number 14 is arbitrary but long statements are hard for the client to remember.

The Right Healing Statement

With my very best healing statements, the client never got to say the statement because, all by itself, the healing statement shattered his or her cloaking ritual and the formerly cloaked feelings came pouring out. Such healing statements are rare but their impact is impressive.

Resistance to Healing Statements

Clients will fight off saying the healing statements that I propose to them. I cover the ten most common resistances to healing statements below.

1. Clients forget the statement.
2. Clients attack the truth-value of the statement. Clients may say,
   • That's not true.
   • I would be lying if I said that.
   • I can't say that and mean it.
   which translates to,
   • I won't say that and mean it.
   As the name "healing statements" implies, the statements are merely tools to uncover and acknowledge deep feeling. Their truth-value is irrelevant.
3. Clients attack me. They say,
   • You're cruel to make me say that.
   • You're being mean.
4. Clients change the statement.
   • I forgive my parents for everything they did to me.
   becomes,
   • I don't forgive my parents for everything they did to me.
5. Clients change a statement into a question.
   • I tell everyone my deepest feelings.
   becomes,
   • I tell everyone my deepest feelings?
   Making a healing statement into a question removes its emotional impact.
6. Clients end a statement without a fall in tone. I may ask a client to say,
   • I show everyone my tears.
   And the client says,
   • I show everyone my tears . . . .
   In English, statements end with a falling tone. If there is no fall in tone, it implies that something has been left unsaid. The unsaid part of a statement changes its meaning and emotional impact.
7. Clients deny the statement immediately after speaking it.
   • I'm glad my father is dead.
   is followed immediately by,
   • But I'm not.
8. Clients radically alter their facial expression and tone of voice. Clients look and sound like cartoon characters. This alteration implies that someone different from the client is making the statement.
9. Clients break eye contact while saying the healing statement. Eye contact gives a statement its full emotional impact. Sometimes a client can easily say a healing statement while looking at a man but finds it impossible to say the same healing statement while looking at a woman. Sometimes the reverse is true.
10. Clients silently deny the healing statement after speaking it. This is the hardest resistance to detect. I usually ask clients what they thought immediately after they spoke the healing statement I gave them.

	Acknowledging Deep Feelings
	Diagnosis: Distinguishing Noncommunicators from Communicators

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