Disclaimer: This journal belongs to me. Poems written here are mine, stories posted are also mine, etc etc. Anything that is posted here that is not mine will have credit given to the artist.
The background image was taken from Directions of Destiny. The image was altered and the layout was created by someone else. The poem to the side was written by me, Risu.
Well im getting better but i want to go home. July 30, 2004 (10:36am EST)
Ok well for the past...*thinking* 10 days i've been on a road trip/vacation/cruise. Yes it's been great for the ones who are now telling me to stop complaining and get a life. I mean yes it's wonderful here in lovely florida and it was fun being with my family for so long, though i dont know how much more of it i could have taken. I met some awsome people on my cruise and we hung out the entire time playing games and going to parties, man i'll miss the parties every night. I have gone to The Islands of Adventure in Universal and the four day Disney Cruise aboard the Disney Wonder and have gone to Disney Quest for a day. That little preview wasnt even the whole show...I'm not even sure i have enough strength to write about absolutely everything i did. Yeah my problem is that we are still not going home. Yeah i know the next part of my trip is to see my brother whom i havent seen in six months but i'll then see him again about a week before school starts sometime in August. (sorry i know i said the naughty word about that naughty place)Yup, i guess i'm tired from running around almost everyday doing this that and the other thing while watching my six cousins. Well im running off to do something else.
Complain to ya later! Risu
Been a while... lol. July 8, 2004 (8:56pm)
Lalalalala...yeah umm has anyone ever really looked up the lyrics for rammstein?? they are a sight to see lol. well if you can handle it lol.Yeah anyway sorry i've been gone so long? ummm...i always just dont update not like many people read this anymore. I like saying mew but there is a new word i say too now (yay sooo exciting!!) the word is...drum roll....blob. heh. It just came one day randomly out of my mouth so i do it all the time now. There's no real reason i just like saying it. Maybe it's because i think im a blob but i would get smacked for saying that too close to certain people...Kaiya...lol. yeah hehe i made her buy a purse and she uses it *laughs evily* wah. There's still so much more of her for me to corrupt but dont worry it wont be completely preppy (hehehehehe). But that's only cuz im not completely preppy despite what some may argue. mew. blob. yeah so i dont know what else to say but if i find out ill be sure to write it down or something hopefully ill update a little more regularly heh *blush*smile*angel* blob...Risu
Ummm......I'm shy... heh (tries to walk off)April 20, 2004 (8:18pm)
So Umm it's been interesting, lol...Yeah first I learned that my bro has a girlfriend...?????!!!! SHOCK! wow anyway and yeah he's in the military so i dont talk to him a lot and evidently he's had this girlfriend for a while....wow am i out of the loop. Who ever said being in the loop was cool?? I'm dumb that's what makes me funny so blah to them. mew... supressed anger at society lol for no perticular reason. Yeah in other news...I have a new boyfriend (sounds familiar....*sigh* this one will last longer i promise!!! It's not like it's brad *crowd boos and ewwws* heh)*drum roll for the hopefully lucky but might be unlucky (risu is completely clingy/high matinance) guy....it's john!! *crowd cheers* lol. Ok yeah *walks off blushing* *comes back when she thinks the coast is clear* heh ::giggles:: (little voice hits her) ok I'm back i swear. ::smiles:: im happy....mew...: Risu :
Mew...Ice Cream is the Greatest!! April 2, 2004 (9:20pm)
Mew... this week just went by in a blur. At first I was on spring break with a soccer game against boylan that we lost terribly in and now we've won our last game....no we dominated 3-0. WOW i didnt even have to touch the ball (I'm the goal keeper). And now....I'm in this giant whirlwind of feelings. I can't explain it it's like this ball of emotion and hidden stuff just hit me straight on. *sigh* I guess it was going to come eventually. I'm stumped as to what to do next though... I mean I'm not the kind of person to "make a move" and I know I'm way too shy (even if everyone doesn't believe me). I'm really good at hiding my shyness in the fact that girls like to travel in packs. But really I'm afraid to be alone. That's another reason im not 100% sure about all this new stuff because I dont want to hurt the guy..mew. I have soo many self confidence issues i dont think he wants to deal with that either. MEW... *sigh*...::huggles teddy bear:: I guess I'll have to wait it out. I know he'll read this anyway heh. wow ice cream really does impare your reasoning (and even if i just realized what i typed im gonna keep this real and not delete it.) well yeah that's all from me... Stay happy and keep smiling!! The scared and shy: Risu
Out with the old in with the new. March 28, 2004 (3:10am)
Ok well the entry is appropriately titled because forget the rant about keeping the boyfriend. He was out when he decided I wasnt being serious about changing the way I wanted to do things and most importantly how I wanted to be treated. My friend thinks there's "a new sausage in town" (dont ask and it's not supposed to be taken wrong!!)but my feelings thus far are...unexplained. Ummm but about the Ex it's not that I hate him...he's a nice guy when he feels like it and doesnt want to get in your pants, but he wasnt for me. Another thing is that I think I rather enjoy telling him what to do with this new girl he found. Heh not like he listens to me but poking fun has always been my favorite thing to do. Back to the "sausage" (only because she's pressuring me heh) Ok we'll not rant about the "sausage" but the one *pokes person next to her* that wants me to say things about the "sausage". She would rather me say that I get giggly and excited, interested and gitty when speaking of the "sausage" she also thinks im obsessed with saying "sausage" (wow it's way tooo early in the morning i apologize for the bad grammer and mispellings i may do)heh... anyway...mew. I'm off to get more sleep before i say something dumb. night...morning....or something. Wobbling to bed and fending off the pushy one who calls him...the "sausage". (she claims not to be pushy but mearly overly suggestive) I'm out:Risu
Man it's been a while...but im alive. March 4, 2004
Well it's been quite a ride through the begining of the year on through my birhtday yielding plenty of gifts and money with more than occasional trips to the mall wich are all not exactly bad things as you can see I'm not complaining. heh anyway so the main thing is that I have just recently well sort of been pulled violently in two directions of similar yet extremely different pooints of view on life and the moral code one should follow. I personally have a very strict faith which doesnt allow much breathing room for the secular world to intervene unless you just dont follow wich for me is almost impossible considering my family life and social standing within my church. Anyway making a long story really short the point is i have friends of all walks of life we'll say and in each there is a different system mine being just about the most constricting wich im terribly shamed to say isnt always followed and that's what i'm ripped by. The morals I've always thought were the bare minimum for my social standards are almost too much now that i've been exposed to so much and not just in the short period of time this new year has been in place but all of middle and high school that i've completed which is quite a buildup of grossness i say comming off of a church mission that lasted four nights. Wow was that powerfully said. I feel so much better about my faith and kind of refreshed in my knowledge and i feel as if im being ripped into two people one body in which i can be truly happy holding my faith and God at the center and the other where the happiness has a blindfold where it cant see where it's going so it dampers it's mood quite a bit. My major problem is that i dont know if it's even possible to change my ways now that i've gone so far into what i've become and i mean there is nothing wrong with my friends i think that could be easily remedied with a few talks and some stern looks heh. But the major problem that comes to mind is, as always with stuff like this, my boyfriend. Dont get me wrong he's not the problem our, well my, mentallity is what is and if i change that what if that cant change the way in which he wants or knows me to behave. I want to be able to change my person for the better without worrying that i am going to step on his toes or just not be compatable with him anymore wich is what im most scared of. and yeah some people would just be like if he doesnt go with it dump him but it's not that simple in this relationship which complicates it quite a bit. Im not sure what to do but i just wanted to post and make sure you knew i was still here.
Running around and whatever: Risu
Hecticness and fear... January 25, 2004
Yeah the title is a bit odd but hey so am I. Oh and sorry for the lack of updating I seem to be passing out at the end of the day more than usual, well mostly because I'm sick and have been for two weeks :(. Anyway enough of my griping...well sorta.
Well to explain the title...the days have been long and I've been doing more extracurricular activities than I'd care to actually do. Then I got this odd thing called sinus itis and it was like a year to almost the day I had mono last year so my parents were freaking out. So I skipped a bunch of things I was supposed to be doing including some needed homework in Chemistry and well I'm falling behind already and I'm not sure how I'm gonna do on the upcoming final :P. Anyway that just brings me to my anxiety about all my finals which I think will prove to be some of the hardest. ::Sigh:: anyway.... so yeah.
There has also been a lot of fighting between myself and my parents (mostly dad) lately and all because I'm gonna be the big 16 and he still says PG-13 movies aren't for me and how I don't know how to take care of myself properly and all that fun shit. I mean it's deeper than that but that's what the arguments are about on the surface.
Another thing my dad and I are on the rocks about is what college I'm going to; first I'm only a sophmore I dont personally think I need to consider too much my college choices but just keep my grades up. My dad thinks otherwise and I have my heart on Gettysburg College anyway so I dont know why he's spazing. More so than not he's on the computer (well when I'm not) researching college possibilities for me.
Then there is the whole bit about my sister and she complains she's my twin and should know everything about me when she doesnt and the majority of what I do at school she has to find out from gossip. Then again there is that little hitch of what gossip is she going to believe about me. She screams a lot we'll just say that to end this now and not fourty pages from now.
The last thing is the fear part. Life isn't life without some sort of fear right? I mean there wouldnt realy be challenging stuff without some sort of fear going into it. Yeah so I was thinking about stuff I fear doing in my life and questions came up about what things you fear are worth doing and what arent. Yup I think I'll end there, if I've told you why I was wondering you are those select few and all will know later heh.
That's all for this squirrel heh - Risu
My life is like an inside joke... December 30, 2003
So much to say with such a little attention span...hmmmm. Umm lets start with the rest of the title: my life is like an inside joke, if you're not there when it's told chances are you wont get it. Yeah i was talking to john and made that up thought it was pretty clever. :) anyway...stressful holidays. Kevin (bro) came home and he was without a doubt almost the same as when he left, there were minor adjustments i am dealing with but it's for the better.
my dad's bday was today...yay!! he's 49 years old hooray for him i dread the day im that old and yet i wait for it....ill be smarter lol. Anyway, so much i mean to say...went somewhere today before the big bday dinner. Had some conversations whether they were to good or bad i am as of yet uncertain.
Been posting on Gaia and umm got some answers to some poems back i didnt particularly like ( i was called literally crazy and childish) It shouldnt affect me but it does...deep it really hurts, i mean poetry is your soul in writing whether it be a big or little bit but hey...people evidently dont care too much.
another thing that has been bothering me is that i have this choice that i've already made yet i cant seem to end it by pushing aside the one that was chosen for me to get rid of and not keep yet it seems to be that i cant rid myself of them and i must. oh the confused and hopeless thought of me. maybe I am crazy we'll never really know.
In that decision however i had a million dreams about the one i had chosen that finally made me realize i no longer had a choice that the right one was already made. (if you dont get it dont worry im just ranting :)) So i had a fun christmas and hope to have a happy new year.
Happy New year from Risu =^o^=
**Meowness** December 6, 2003
Busy, busy, busy all I seem to be is busy, this sucks ill never join another volunteer group/job again!! (already have girl scouts, midway reenacting and Peer ministry/youth ministry board). Roar, that�s probably not true knowing me it�ll just be another spur of the moment thing ill get sucked into (hat making heh :sweat drop: ) although I did particularly like Kaiya -chan�s it�s hers and therefore I had to give it up, lol, ill make a new other colored one for me I suppose.
:sigh: this week is going to be busy and I had planned to get going on my brother�s Christmas gift and getting money and supplies for other ones, maybe candy canes for friends, so they can sue me im poor they wont get much heh. And now the fun begins, today I have to go to the library to research two months of research so I can write my paper which has to be 4-5 pages with cites and all (eh sleepless nights are coming) and that along with the third essay for English (damn papers piece of shit perfectness expectancy of the teacher) not that he�s not nice and all but damn he sure is demanding on someone already doing so much extra curricular shit even if it is my fault and I shouldn�t blame him. I haven�t even thought about what I�m getting my parents, my family for Christmas and it�s sneaking up on me. I don�t know what to do - I feel like I�ve spread myself too thin.
On top of all the physical mayhem, I also can�t stop thinking about other things (yeah I know Kaiya-chan he�s not worth it, but�I can�t help what I feel) day dreaming being not a good priority when you�re already bogged down with other shit. :sigh: o well. I�ll trudge through.
Happy things: I did my 45min presentation and was complimented. I got Kaiya�s hat done and I gave it to her. I got new music. I wrote. :shrug: anymore has just escaped me.
Sorry about not updating, your exhausted and hopelessly in love Risu
~*I WISH*~ November 22, 2003
Sometimes I wish dreams were reality and that I really could fly away with someone I loved and not be reprimanded for growing wings. Sometimes I wish that wishing would stop and happening started. That life would be more bliss than sorrow still creating the same effect of appreciation for the blissful times. I wish that when you found a love that they could never get away and through your problems a light would shine and you would step through it and be able to forgive and start newly freshened. Sometimes I wish that when you told someone something it sunk right in without delay, being the truth that is, and stayed there so it could be unquestionable. Then I also wish that a certain person would stop murdering my poetry. It�s like he�s stabbing a knife into my heart and believing it only to be flesh; then he does it over and over deeper each time making the wound bigger and mangling my heart forever. Then there are the usual knives and daggers lying in wait striking at their own chance in turn. It�s horrid and I feel that searing pain every day while it worsens. I want to stop this madness. And I want to stop thinking of a fairytale world where things could be better and people would always be matched with a love eventually, but it is nothing more than a dream, a wish. Which also give truth to that beautiful phrase: A dream is a wish your heart makes. I have a dream, a wish, a longing and it�s dead and gone so I struggle on with this anti-fairytale world of ours.
Risu and her mind making sense of her poetry murderer.
~Things of the night and problems~ November 15, 2003
I guess I haven�t written in a while but you know how it goes, your father makes you take these honors courses and convinces you they are good for you�.then you�re there and your struggling in them and that makes you struggle in your other classes. Then you wonder why anyone ever said you were anything remotely close to smart, and you think you have the brain capacity of a squirrel (hence the name Risu) and finally one day you just brake down under the stress and pressure when both honors classes give impossibly hard projects to do in a short period of time while in your other regular classes they are giving projects too! And all you want is to have sleep time back, that�s it, it doesn�t matter if you even have free time as long as you can sleep for the first time in 2 weeks.
That then is a general synopsis of what has been happening, and wooohooo new projects have surfaced since but I�ve ceased to care at the moment. I need to get more pestering things off my mind and on to paper so I have even the slightest chance of figuring them out.
First the thing is there is this huge problem with one of my friends and her boyfriend, well off and on boyfriend. She isn�t happy with what�s happening or with being with him anymore but she says she�s not strong enough. But then she contradicts herself and is hanging all over him and it�s bugging the hell out of me!! I�m supposed to be helping her to keep her head straight with this whole thing but she refuses to get rid of him. I don�t know what to do�I�ve tried everything from being blunt with him about it to being blunt with what she�s doing to her and then I�ve even followed them around which took a good stomach mind you. I feel like I�m just crashing and burning, my ashes are getting up again and then they burn out more.
The only happy thing in my life is the count down until my brother comes to visit on December 18th. I talk to him a little and I miss him a lot but whenever I talk to him over the phone my parents are on the other line so I cant talk to him about my problems so I look foreword to seeing him in person.
Another thing I�m confused about is that certain things keep filtering back into my mind. The poems following will tell the story, heh.
The Adventure
Chill air catches my hair and burns my cheeks
The thick smell of exhaust mixed with cologne
Clogs my senses and puts me in a state of bliss
The tinkling stars of the city pass me by
One by one, they whiz and whirl in their world
Making my eyes dance from watching
And my heart jump in their jubilee
My mind an abyss of thoughts unnoticed
All that matters is the cool night air
The soft feel as I tighten my grip
Reaching around his waist, so comfortable
So real, these feelings of complete bliss
I smell his scent, attacking my heart with vigor
I can no longer feel the empty loneliness
My conscious existence has fled my soul
It is perfectly contented wrapped around him
Entwined with this other soul completely
Embracing the matching hearts and combining them
This connection, this perfect union of two
Made while on this adventure of the soul
The engine dies, and as I uncoil my arms
From his muscular waist; I almost can�t let go.
As I get off the monster of a machine
I caress it�s smooth edges and chrome body
I then begin to wonder what I had felt
Then I shrug, thank the boy, and walk away.
My soul mourning the loss of this unity
My mind wondering what had taken place.
Then there is this one:
Yearning for the Warmth
His warm embrace and enticing smell
Encase my heart in a land of glee
And restore my mind to unnatural bliss
The strong, muscular arms, hold tighter
Warming my soul and touching my heart
Your soft whispers breath life into my being
Your caress, color to my cheeks
The way you look into my eyes
Makes me shudder with excitement
It melts my heart and purifies my soul
Every cell in my body longs to reach out
They long to touch and hold you again
The yearn is sometimes so overpowering
I must grit my teeth, clench my fists
And stop to think about what to do
My heart starts racing faster than my mind
With ever step, I feel that longing for your embrace
Just once to feel my hand entwined in yours again
And feel your kisses on my forehead
As I lay on your shoulder crying
Your whispers in my ear saying it will all be ok
And my feeble heart believing your every word
But alas, none of my longings can be satisfied
Nor my hearts unrest subdued.
All for now!! Your insanely tired Risu
~Poems mostly~ October 25, 2003
It�s 12:24am as I write this�I have to be ready to leave my house all dressed and showered in eight hours. I don�t want to go really, it�s for girl scouts, why I joined is beyond me. Something to do I guess. I just wrote an odd poem�the second one of the day. The first one goes like this:
Storm
Blackness, bright as day
Coldness like the morning sun
Gray joyous clouds swarm
Lightning striking dead and dark
Chills flowing, wafting
There is ice in your core
Soft edges of icicles prick
Biting winds caress a cheek
Eyes drilling yet serene
Baseless ground supports
Head held motionless
Flying across starry sky
Snapped, falling, limp, gone.
Then there is this weird one that I just wrote:
The Shroud
The blackness shrouds what will come
A cold dark spirit destined to kill
One final breath it leaves for pondering
The breath is taken in one fatal whoosh
Flying high searching for a victim
It smashes the soul
It shatters the heart
The body is blind along with the mind
Walking dead in the midst of living souls
Dropping, exhausted into a heap
The spirit drifts into everlasting sleep.
Well that�s all for now I guess. I�m like totally tired and I need to write something decent badly. If you can think of a way I could email me or something I�m really desperate.
Your tired and desperate ~ Risu
~A Little Something~ October 21, 2003
Well long time no write�well at least it feels that way. Reader�s digest version of what I�ve been doing: going to town for three days straight then picketing at my local high school in favor of the teacher�s strike and then after that going shopping and to a haunted hay ride. Then the next day I exhausted myself at the student makeshift dance which was better than the actual dances put on by the school except the music was mostly bad. Then on Sunday I went to church and then directly after shopping with my mother. I then proceeded to go to a girl scout meeting�I just joined do you think that was bad lol, and from that meeting to a peer ministry meeting at my church and didn�t get back home until around nine thirty. Then on Monday I went into Chicago and went to the museum of science and industry with a group of supposedly all girls but somehow a boyfriend got snuck in. So today being Tuesday I had a most needed day of rest. And yes that was the reader�s digest version lol.
Well I know that no one reads this to hear about that, actually why people read this I have no clue but go ahead if you like. The reason for this update, no matter how hard I try there is always someone I think about like an unhealthy amount throughout the day and I know that I shouldn�t because he�s horrible for me� like really bad for me�and I don�t know what to do about it anyway because he has a girl friend who I guess hates me by the way she was giving me the evil glare at the dance we had. ::sigh:: there are odd reasons why I had to get that out. The details are so screwed and blurred that I will not bother to go into them. O well I just had to get something about it out somehow.
Most recent poem that I just wrote I think it�s one of my bad ones though
An Attempt to Fly Away
The restraints, they loosen as I glide away.
The chains clinking as they fade.
People, they want to join the endless freedom
The cool soft air biting at my cheeks.
My nose, smelling a sweet potent fragrance,
The fragrance of life on the wind.
It lifts me higher towards the stars.
These wings of mine grip tightly to the breeze.
The stars, winking and giggling at me,
I wan to join in their little jubilee.
As I see the clouds I wish to ask for rain to flow,
When my sorrow, as tears, intrudes upon my face.
As I glide down I skim the tree tops
With my outstretched hand waiting for a glimpse
Of the beauty coveted inside its covering.
I glide down to ask the river why
It bubbles with such joy and laughter.
Then shout to the waterfall why it crashes so.
I breathe the sent of pine deep within my soul.
I hear the birds, and starting to fly, skim the water
And feel the coolness sister only to the night air.
Then the rain pours out of the sad clouds,
Mimicking the sadness in my heart and soul,
For the night was over and the wings were gone;
The shackles back and the restraint tight.
Too tight to fly away again.
Song of the day: Friend of Mine by Eve6
Lyrics:
Are you feeling that you're on the brink, of spilling some red in the sink? It wasn't the easiest year No I don't want you to go Are the memories too hard to take? Rape is a word with a face No I don't want you to go You know I don't want you to go Friend of mine stay alive don't you leave me here All alone in the world with a chronic tear I will always be here I will always be here I will always be here for you We walked the promenade in the rain With velcro shoes and an ice cream stain You're the only one who understands Remember that Blake said to make sure you wake and help save your generation You know I don't want you to go You know we don't want you to go Friend of mine stay alive don't you leave me here All alone in the world with a chronic tear I will always be here I will always be here I will always be here for you Don't look back The past is just that We are awake!!! Friend of mine stay alive don't you leave me (x2) I'll always be here! Friend of mine stay alive don't you leave me here All alone in the world with a chronic tear I will always be here I will always be here I will always be here for you
~:SIGH:~ October 12/13, 2003
I feel so lost. Ever wake up one day when the whether is great and then as the day passes realize you�re missing something. Then you go through the whole day feeling as if you�ve lost something and just no remembered. Then you stay up into the night and watch a movie that wrenches at your heart and tears at every helplessly romantic part of your body. And go and read something and feel utterly helpless, hopeless and so lost in your own problems and feelings that you are all of a sudden self centered and ignorant all in one night that ended this way around one thirty in the morning.
Well maybe the last part of that has never been experienced by anyone other than myself but I bet a few could at least understand.
I feel so greedy and lost in my own self of wanting and loneliness. I feel like I�ve let people down, that I wasn�t there for my friends and never are unless I�m there but a second and am suddenly wrenched away to cater to another�s bidding. This, even this writing of my thoughts on the subject feels to me at this moment wrong and self indulgent. I feel as if all the fortunate actions bestowed upon me shouldn�t have come upon me at all but to other friends of mine who I know to be more deserving. And no this is no fake cry of distress. I truly believe myself this very second to be selfish and greedy in all of the happenings of my life. I guess realizing this was a bit of a shock� I was completely entangled in myself and have only now cut my way out into the realization.
The eternally confused and perplexed, Risu
~Wonderings of a Soul~ October 11, 2003
The soul is such a complex thing that at some point in every persons life they either understand fully what that means or for some reason thinks they can understand that complexity. Whether the reason for either is because of innocence, ignorance or knowledge is decided upon because of the kind of person.
What makes people seem so intent on having their answer for the complexity of the soul be right? Why is everyone so intent on being stubborn in the way their mind thinks? Everyone says that you should think outside the box, but shouldn�t it really be you must think within and outside the box? Because just thinking inside is being closed minded but just thinking outside you cant grasp the points of someone thinking inside the box and that poses big controversy, hate and anger. And aren�t those things key in most minds to be rid of? Misunderstandings, hate, anger and controversy all play key in people�s desires to wage war and to be cruel and heartless.
Innocent wonderings - Risu
~Lostness~ October 8, 2003
I need help - admitting that is the first step to recovery right? Definition of Life: a pointless quest to stay alive.
That's the vocabulary lesson for today, my definition of life at this moment in time.
Lost
I lost myself some time ago
When I stepped from beneath that tree
I stopped listening to my heart
I started listening to my mind
Confused and thoughtless I am
Completely devoid of feeling
My soul is dying inside me
Withering like a caged thing
I lost myself some time ago
When my soul wandered away
It got caught and bound
Darkness consumes it
Confused and thoughtless I am
Wandering alone in a crowd
Feeling so gone and disturbed
Knowing the thing I hold most dear
Is lost to me forever
There, writing helped. I don't understand this feeling in me. It's like I do the same things everyday and it's just so not me. I'm begining to realize that I truly don't know who I am in my heart and soul.
Well this was kinda short but a lot of thought is going on.
~Thoughtful Risu~
~The Trip~ October 3rd and 4th, 2003
Yes, I�m writing this on my trip to see my brother. The past two days have been a nightmare. Nothing has gone as it was planned. (I was sitting here alone�I thought that I gave clear signals I wanted to be alone�guess not. Anyway Ill keep writing.) We have been at Fort Jackson South Carolina and seeing my brother who graduated from basic training. I missed him more than anyone could ever know. I still miss him now, this is our third day at an army post ( not It�s not a base, it�s a post. Same thing different name) the one we are currently at is fort Gordon which is where Kevin (my bro) will have his communications training to be a �radio man� (my lil nickname) ::huge sigh:: the first day we saw Kevin he had only a pas to freely roam around the post. We then ended up eating at the on post burger king where Kevin engulfed long awaited fast food. Then we drove around and ate dinner at the officers club as a celebration banquet for the graduation the next day. The following day, yesterday, Kevin was allowed off post so we proceeded to a subway to eat lunch and then went to the mall. I called Kevin a MMB or a Military Mall Bunny. Lets say he didn�t like that. Then we had seafood for dinner. So what went wrong you ask�well the entire time he was pretty much a giant emotionless rock and quiet and cranky and tired. He didn�t crack a single joke and the longest smile was under 30seconds. That is I believe the most extreme opposite of Kevin you can get. Usually, well the Kevin I knew, was always cracking one joke or another and was roughhousing with me or doing other brotherly things. Lets say that the statement �be all you can be: is the opposite of what actually happens. What actually happens is they become a stone cold grain of sand that doesn�t have an individual mind. And yeah I know that�s what everyone expects and that he was tired and just had the most stressful, painful and physically challenging two months of his life but there was almost no sign of the Kevin I know and love. The Kevin that tolerated my sarahness and my constant fooling around. The only time I had the tiniest glimpse of who he was, was the first time I saw him and he had been dismissed and he let out this lil woohoo. The other thing that changed about him was that he lost a good 30lbs. And his face and everything thinned out so he�s not a �fun� presence anymore but more of an annoyed presence. He no longer is warm and fuzzy to be around I feel like I don�t even know him�he is not my brother and I wish to God with all my heart he was
So I�m sitting here, in this van, with all these thoughts waiting for my parents to get out of a briefing. We think Kevin might be able to stay with us tonight at a hotel. We�ll see.
I don�t want to be here. I don�t want to make this any harder than I have to or any worse. I feel like I�m invading Kevin�s space. I want to just go home a for AJ to go home too. I mean she wants to and all just like me and we are both getting a tad cranky.
I wish I could just curl up in someone�s arms and cry, just let it all out. My brother is gone and he�ll never be the same and he�s never coming back. I think I may write later.
Sad, lonely, Risu
Next day: around 10:55 central
Yeah, I�m writing again. It�s been a long day and was an interesting night. Well around 6pm eastern we got Kevin. He had a weekend pass which meant that if we had stayed til Sunday we could have him off post in civilian clothes until 6pm Sunday night when he had to be at his barracks. Anyway we took him first to see SWAT cuz he�s been dying to see it. Then we went out the eat at Chili�s. we stayed the night in a hotel where he and AJ watched Band of Brothers on his new mini DVD player. He ended up sleeping in our room�heh. The next morning we got to sleep in until like nineish eastern, I was happy. We then took the �grand tour� of Augusta Georgia *we got lost* stopped at a pizza hut and then went shopping. We had to get Kevin clothes that fit his skinny body��lol. (new weight loss program - join the army) then we had to bring him back so we could head home. Oh, what made this such a beauteous day? Well, he was the regular kevi again. He wasn�t cold and non responsive, he was a joker again and making fun of me to boot! It was great. Granted he�ll never be the same old same old again but at least it was better. He�s coming home for christmass so maybe it�ll get better.
the normally confusted Risu
~Happiness~ September 29, 2003
OMG! I haven�t written for a bit so I decided�hey lets get out some of those bottled feelings eh? Anyway today (Monday) was an awesome day. Yes I know, a Monday? But it happened and to me of all people, a good Monday!! Anyway I guess maybe it makes up for me not being in school the rest of the week!! Yippee!! No school no school lalalalala. Heh, I guess I�m getting carried away. But it�s mostly great because I get to see my brother!!! My brother is 19 and I haven�t seen him for 9weeks and I know that�s not that long of a time, but I�ve never really been apart from my brother I mean I even was a boy scout at boy scout camp with him when we were little. Well the point is we were closeish. I cant say we were really close because during high school we were a bit distant but still closer than some brothers and sisters are. Oh im so excited about it all.
Another thing that im excited about is that Anna let me borrow how to draw anime books so im learning to draw them but it�s mostly so I can design my clothing. YAY! If there is a really good one with good measurements I have permission to make it for myself�.it�s gonna be so much fun!!! Ok gotta go pack, I�ve been putting it off for a while�I have to find clothes to pack first lol.
I�ll miss everyone while I�m gone even though it�s only gonna be for 6days�heh. Yeah anyway off to do chores!
The ever smiling Risu-chan
~Loneliness~ September 22, 2003
�Hold on, hold on
(I can't let go)
And you don't know
How I feel
And nothing seems to heal
And nothing seems to work
And nothing is as beautiful
I'm old enough
To take all the blame
For all the mistakes
All the games and all the faces
I'm bleeding by myself
And I'm okay�
Sell My Soul by Our Lady Peace
Is loneliness only caused by not having a �significant other�? Or is it caused by having negligent friends and family who are never there or for some reason you never see, yet they are still your friends and you can always pick up where you left off. What exactly is loneliness? Is it a state of mind or is it caused by people or things? I don�t know the answers to these questions really all I know is that lately I�ve become increasingly more and more lonely and isolated. I�m not sure what it is that�s doing it though. The only reason all this was brought up was because today I felt completely useless and alone. Usually I have a multitude of people that come to me with questions, thoughts, ideas or whatever they would like to share. Today on the other hand was different, I was alienated from all social contact and felt small and insignificant not to mention the loneliest I�ve been in quite a while. Maybe it was all in my head but I don�t know about anything anymore it just seems like things are changing at such a rapid pace that I�m lost in the dust and am still chocking when they head to the next stop.
Things aren�t going so great with everyone either. I, for a while, talked to a friend (Ryan) all the time and I confided in him and we had fun, and then on Friday night he surprised me by all of a sudden having this girl that was sitting on his lap and he completely didn�t acknowledge my presence. I think if I was in a normal state of mind I would have just shrugged this off, but in this current state that I seem to be stuck in, it hurt a lot that he had just gone off and had gotten a girl friend and never told me about it. I guess that�s a little selfish but I felt really close to him and now all of a sudden continuing the tradition today it was as if I wasn�t there I mean there was a tiny conversation but other than that on Friday all I got was a goodbye and today (Monday) all I got was a brief hello. I don�t know why this made me so�angry/sad either, I guess I�m just being messed up.
Anyway the song lyrics above are only like a short excerpt of the named song. It was put there for lack of something better and it pulled at me when I was listening to it coming home from school. And below are some quotes to live by thanks to Jamu�s little collection:
�Life isn�t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself� ~ George Bernard Shaw
�Argue for your limitations and sure enough they�re yours.� ~ Richard Bach
�Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.� ~ Carol Burnett
Struggling in the confines of her mind,
Risu
~Explainations and Apologies~ September 16, 2003
Look, I guess I owe a few people�an explanation / apology and I owe it to myself to learn from this fun mishap. ...Well to begin, when I said, �I just thought that this could be important information if I ever just burst out that Brad is the biggest asshole besides Chris.� that�s how I felt at the time, I was angry and yeah that just all exploded and some people didn�t appreciate it, you know who you are if you�re even still reading this, I�m sorry.
For the next thing, I said, �I was soo proud of myself though, the afore mentioned Brad, well I had some complications with how I felt about him all summer. See it was mainly Chris� fault we broke up, and the rest was me because I tend to over dramatize� for future reference. But I still really felt and still feel that I love him and I didn�t want to let him go, but extremely recently I have decided he�s not worth it and well let him go, but this is almost a year after we first started going out. So I don�t know whether that�s good or bad. Anyway the past few days I have been freely talking to him and his newest girlfriend so I think I�m making progress ( I know I sound like the therapist and patient all in one).� this essentially is true I guess it just needs a lil explaining. When I say not worth it I meant he wasn�t coming back ever and I was a lil sad�yeah he probly wont care but I thought I might just put all this in. I know that I have to let everything go and I have and I didn�t mean anything really against him It was my problem not mine and I should�ve actually told him. ::sigh:: this is really tearing me up, it shouldn�t be cuz�I dunno I haven�t had a conscience in sooo long but now I guess it�s coming back with my new attitude. So I�m sorry if I startled anyone or hurt them or for any other wrong this entry may have done them.
To get to the actual topic of today, I was completely tired and totally into my English class. I don�t know if people will call me a freak but I absolutely love honors English class it�s the best part of the day and I love going there. I guess it just gets my mind in such a writing mood and writing moods make me happy, usually anyway. Well here is what came out of it:
Untitled (if you think of one email me)
Flashbacks,
Hauntings from the past.
Railroad spikes and
Old mysteries,
Clamor in the mind.
Long sighs,
Echoing in the
Mists of time.
Wonderings, Misgivings,
Of one so young
And thoughtless.
Snapping at the soul
And the life within.
Human nature
Has ceased to fuel
The fire which
Has grown into embers.
It no longer
Radiates heat and light,
But has a dark,
Dead glow.
~Tons of questions~ September 15, 2003
OK I have a pertinent question for everyone. Why do people have to choose between the dark and the light? Good and evil sides of them that are conflicting? Why in the world should people have to pick one extreme or the other? Can�t society just take all the black and white aspects and turn them into gray so that people could be a little more free to think for themselves?
These questions have been running through my head lately� I just wish that people didn�t have such closed minds. Yes I also know that trying to open society�s mind in general would be an impossible task, but just lonely old me I�ve decided to take on this alter clothing personality. Like everyone has a personality and a clothing personality; the clothing personality is different though it�s just what you want to wear and then people, depending on who they are, put a stereotype on you and that�s then what you become to them. This though is the stupidest thing I�ve ever heard of, so I decided that every week ill be a little part of a few extremes. My usual attire is in stereotypical language something of a perish style without so much emphasis on name brand and how I look every second of the day (no way would I go into a store named Abercrombie and fitch �they just aren�t my taste). Yes you can interpret that as being a lil hypocritical but it�s just that the clothing in there doesn�t appeal to my tastes. Anyway today I was more of a gothic style, well at least I was told, the thing I was told that I thought fit the most was that I looked somewhat like a dark elf. But this is like my goal is for people to disregard my clothing because I go through so many extremes in one week that they can�t tell by my clothing who I am. I think lately during the little time I�ve been doing this I�ve had more people actually come up and want to talk to me and not the image that I was portraying that day than any other time in my life; and, it feels great.
~Hey if you guys want any questions that I pose in any of my entries just email me about them my email is at the top just click on me!!~
Email me and tell me if you think this plan will work too! Just no junk ok!!
The oppressed will always one day break and either win in getting themselves noticed in two ways, killing themselves or finally stop taking all that crap from everyone else.
Song lyrics I found cool/depressing/inspiring:
Landing by Moby
Thick black soul
Moving slow, moving close to you
This life I don't know
It seems kinda sick to me
Hold each other tight
Walking through to my destiny
This glitter in my eye
Catches light catches sympathy
This glitter in my eye
Catches light catches sympathy
Your lips are moving but I can't hear what you say
Stars are falling but you still feel the same way
This shield
What is real
Is believing
(Ha-ha-ha-aaa)
[REPEAT]
The happy squirrel,
Risu-chan
~Ack! I Have Issues~ September 12,2003
Ok I know that I wrote my very first entry yesterday and I have to say that it was fun creating something all my own where I can present my true feelings without feeling burdened by the person that I�m talking to�s feelings. To tell the truth usually that burdens me more than anything when I�m trying to express my true feelings. ::Sigh:: today of all days� tonight is a party night, I�m headed to my friend Dixie�s sweet sixteen. Can anyone even tell me why they call it a sweet sixteen anymore other than your drivers license I mean it should be like exciting (or insert own adjective) eighteen I mean that�s when you become a legal adult.
I�m going to stop wandering for now at least and well just wrap up with the thought that I was going to update again, two days in a row, but well umm�I was lazy and didn�t realize that it was time to go, so I might add to this later.
Later�11:40pm Ok well I went to Dixie�s party and it was all great but someone (jami!!!) wouldn�t come so yeah. AHHH I needed someone there to slap my hand!!!. Ok I picked up the new word oober so bear with it. I was oober bad tonight�major flirt. OMG everyone was asking me if I like a certain guy (Sean ::sp?:: ) anyway I was like�umm un poco? And no one really understood. I mean I guess they had reason to be asking me since I was being his pillow and he mine�we fell asleep together it was like completely snuggly and cute and comfy. Lol yeah I�m seriously tired. Ok yeah I guess that�s it, hope I don�t get like completely mauled by a few people. (Don�t kill me Jamu!!) lol I have no clue why you would other than the whole Ryan thing. Yeah, so ill update again some other time and tell you all how it went.
Tootles!!!!
Risu-chan
~The First~ September 11,2003
Ok I guess I�m finally starting this thing� wow I�m actually going through with it. To tell the truth I have no idea what possessed me other than jamu-chan was like �I need a new layout� and I was like, �I want one, I want a purple one!!� *excited giggles*. So she humored me I guess you could say. And yeah I know this is boring so far but�give it a chance the introduction is either boring or spectacular and I�m only one person doing way too much shit.
So anyway I was told to write away so here I go. My utterly pointless and pathetic life has a whole lot of background. This background includes the infamous Chris Crane and a lot of other guys� well mostly guys I mean if there weren�t any girls I wouldn�t be typing in a journal online. A little background for now is that after a couple dud first relationships Chris was my boyfriend for like a month or so and ever since then he has either liked me in an intimate way or just liked hanging around me and telling me my faults. If you couldn�t tell since he left I�ve begun to dislike his manor of doing things and just well� him. But yes most of the Sarah�s mentioned in any of Chris� journal entries on another site were about me. Yes the sad but true fact that I am no longer in denial about who he was talking about. But moving on, after him I had a relationship for around 5 and maybe a half months with a guy named Brad. Well lets just say that didn�t turn out too pretty; I just thought that this could be important information if I ever just burst out that Brad is the biggest asshole besides Chris. If you haven�t already begun to tell I have a small problem with boys, but hopefully as this progresses you�ll come to find that it�s slowly leaving or if you�ve known me longer �umm I guess you would call it a lengthy process. There is a lot I could add here but I think the best thing to do is add as I go on.
Well today�was a semi unusual day because I happened to borrow a kimono shirt from Sarah (one of my friends) and well it has HUGE sleeves that are completely awesome but well I had a skirt on with it and everyone kept calling me �bat girl� and �witch� so I have no clue what is wrong with people. I was also by my own twin sister (did I mention I was a twin?), called a slut or at least it was said I looked like one. Coming from my sister it wasn�t that bad but learning she told everyone else that would listen her thoughts on my clothing really ticked me off. I mean what a nice sister I have. Anyway I�m shooting things out like a crazy woman. I was soo proud of myself though, the afore mentioned Brad, well I had some complications with how I felt about him all summer. See it was mainly Chris� fault we broke up, and the rest was me because I tend to over dramatize� for future reference. But I still really felt and still feel that I love him and I didn�t want to let him go, but extremely recently I have decided he�s not worth it and well let him go, but this is almost a year after we first started going out. So I don�t know whether that�s good or bad. Anyway the past few days I have been freely talking to him and his newest girlfriend so I think I�m making progress ( I know I sound like the therapist and patient all in one).
The thing that royally pissed me off today about society though was that people can�t get past the stereotypes and the melodramatic life that is placed before them. They don�t comprehend that yes high school is supposedly the best time of your life but after high school no one cares what happened to you in there� all they care about is the person you came out of there as a result of these wonderful times. Society then as a whole doesn�t get that people can be who they are no matter how they dress or what variety of people they hang out with. It�s complete and utter madness how people responded to my wearing a �gothic� style. And I would even prefer if people didn�t call it �gothic� because technically there is no gothic clothing there is only architecture. Well to sum it up, today was a different day and tomorrow will be its own.
The confused and thoughtful always come out on top!
Risu-chan
The background image was taken from Directions of Destiny. The image was altered and the layout was created by someone else. The poem to the side was written by me, Risu.
Well im getting better but i want to go home. July 30, 2004 (10:36am EST)
Ok well for the past...*thinking* 10 days i've been on a road trip/vacation/cruise. Yes it's been great for the ones who are now telling me to stop complaining and get a life. I mean yes it's wonderful here in lovely florida and it was fun being with my family for so long, though i dont know how much more of it i could have taken. I met some awsome people on my cruise and we hung out the entire time playing games and going to parties, man i'll miss the parties every night. I have gone to The Islands of Adventure in Universal and the four day Disney Cruise aboard the Disney Wonder and have gone to Disney Quest for a day. That little preview wasnt even the whole show...I'm not even sure i have enough strength to write about absolutely everything i did. Yeah my problem is that we are still not going home. Yeah i know the next part of my trip is to see my brother whom i havent seen in six months but i'll then see him again about a week before school starts sometime in August. (sorry i know i said the naughty word about that naughty place)Yup, i guess i'm tired from running around almost everyday doing this that and the other thing while watching my six cousins. Well im running off to do something else.
Complain to ya later! Risu
Been a while... lol. July 8, 2004 (8:56pm)
Lalalalala...yeah umm has anyone ever really looked up the lyrics for rammstein?? they are a sight to see lol. well if you can handle it lol.Yeah anyway sorry i've been gone so long? ummm...i always just dont update not like many people read this anymore. I like saying mew but there is a new word i say too now (yay sooo exciting!!) the word is...drum roll....blob. heh. It just came one day randomly out of my mouth so i do it all the time now. There's no real reason i just like saying it. Maybe it's because i think im a blob but i would get smacked for saying that too close to certain people...Kaiya...lol. yeah hehe i made her buy a purse and she uses it *laughs evily* wah. There's still so much more of her for me to corrupt but dont worry it wont be completely preppy (hehehehehe). But that's only cuz im not completely preppy despite what some may argue. mew. blob. yeah so i dont know what else to say but if i find out ill be sure to write it down or something hopefully ill update a little more regularly heh *blush*smile*angel* blob...Risu
Ummm......I'm shy... heh (tries to walk off)April 20, 2004 (8:18pm)
So Umm it's been interesting, lol...Yeah first I learned that my bro has a girlfriend...?????!!!! SHOCK! wow anyway and yeah he's in the military so i dont talk to him a lot and evidently he's had this girlfriend for a while....wow am i out of the loop. Who ever said being in the loop was cool?? I'm dumb that's what makes me funny so blah to them. mew... supressed anger at society lol for no perticular reason. Yeah in other news...I have a new boyfriend (sounds familiar....*sigh* this one will last longer i promise!!! It's not like it's brad *crowd boos and ewwws* heh)*drum roll for the hopefully lucky but might be unlucky (risu is completely clingy/high matinance) guy....it's john!! *crowd cheers* lol. Ok yeah *walks off blushing* *comes back when she thinks the coast is clear* heh ::giggles:: (little voice hits her) ok I'm back i swear. ::smiles:: im happy....mew...: Risu :
Mew...Ice Cream is the Greatest!! April 2, 2004 (9:20pm)
Mew... this week just went by in a blur. At first I was on spring break with a soccer game against boylan that we lost terribly in and now we've won our last game....no we dominated 3-0. WOW i didnt even have to touch the ball (I'm the goal keeper). And now....I'm in this giant whirlwind of feelings. I can't explain it it's like this ball of emotion and hidden stuff just hit me straight on. *sigh* I guess it was going to come eventually. I'm stumped as to what to do next though... I mean I'm not the kind of person to "make a move" and I know I'm way too shy (even if everyone doesn't believe me). I'm really good at hiding my shyness in the fact that girls like to travel in packs. But really I'm afraid to be alone. That's another reason im not 100% sure about all this new stuff because I dont want to hurt the guy..mew. I have soo many self confidence issues i dont think he wants to deal with that either. MEW... *sigh*...::huggles teddy bear:: I guess I'll have to wait it out. I know he'll read this anyway heh. wow ice cream really does impare your reasoning (and even if i just realized what i typed im gonna keep this real and not delete it.) well yeah that's all from me... Stay happy and keep smiling!! The scared and shy: Risu
Out with the old in with the new. March 28, 2004 (3:10am)
Ok well the entry is appropriately titled because forget the rant about keeping the boyfriend. He was out when he decided I wasnt being serious about changing the way I wanted to do things and most importantly how I wanted to be treated. My friend thinks there's "a new sausage in town" (dont ask and it's not supposed to be taken wrong!!)but my feelings thus far are...unexplained. Ummm but about the Ex it's not that I hate him...he's a nice guy when he feels like it and doesnt want to get in your pants, but he wasnt for me. Another thing is that I think I rather enjoy telling him what to do with this new girl he found. Heh not like he listens to me but poking fun has always been my favorite thing to do. Back to the "sausage" (only because she's pressuring me heh) Ok we'll not rant about the "sausage" but the one *pokes person next to her* that wants me to say things about the "sausage". She would rather me say that I get giggly and excited, interested and gitty when speaking of the "sausage" she also thinks im obsessed with saying "sausage" (wow it's way tooo early in the morning i apologize for the bad grammer and mispellings i may do)heh... anyway...mew. I'm off to get more sleep before i say something dumb. night...morning....or something. Wobbling to bed and fending off the pushy one who calls him...the "sausage". (she claims not to be pushy but mearly overly suggestive) I'm out:Risu
Man it's been a while...but im alive. March 4, 2004
Well it's been quite a ride through the begining of the year on through my birhtday yielding plenty of gifts and money with more than occasional trips to the mall wich are all not exactly bad things as you can see I'm not complaining. heh anyway so the main thing is that I have just recently well sort of been pulled violently in two directions of similar yet extremely different pooints of view on life and the moral code one should follow. I personally have a very strict faith which doesnt allow much breathing room for the secular world to intervene unless you just dont follow wich for me is almost impossible considering my family life and social standing within my church. Anyway making a long story really short the point is i have friends of all walks of life we'll say and in each there is a different system mine being just about the most constricting wich im terribly shamed to say isnt always followed and that's what i'm ripped by. The morals I've always thought were the bare minimum for my social standards are almost too much now that i've been exposed to so much and not just in the short period of time this new year has been in place but all of middle and high school that i've completed which is quite a buildup of grossness i say comming off of a church mission that lasted four nights. Wow was that powerfully said. I feel so much better about my faith and kind of refreshed in my knowledge and i feel as if im being ripped into two people one body in which i can be truly happy holding my faith and God at the center and the other where the happiness has a blindfold where it cant see where it's going so it dampers it's mood quite a bit. My major problem is that i dont know if it's even possible to change my ways now that i've gone so far into what i've become and i mean there is nothing wrong with my friends i think that could be easily remedied with a few talks and some stern looks heh. But the major problem that comes to mind is, as always with stuff like this, my boyfriend. Dont get me wrong he's not the problem our, well my, mentallity is what is and if i change that what if that cant change the way in which he wants or knows me to behave. I want to be able to change my person for the better without worrying that i am going to step on his toes or just not be compatable with him anymore wich is what im most scared of. and yeah some people would just be like if he doesnt go with it dump him but it's not that simple in this relationship which complicates it quite a bit. Im not sure what to do but i just wanted to post and make sure you knew i was still here.
Running around and whatever: Risu
Hecticness and fear... January 25, 2004
Yeah the title is a bit odd but hey so am I. Oh and sorry for the lack of updating I seem to be passing out at the end of the day more than usual, well mostly because I'm sick and have been for two weeks :(. Anyway enough of my griping...well sorta.
Well to explain the title...the days have been long and I've been doing more extracurricular activities than I'd care to actually do. Then I got this odd thing called sinus itis and it was like a year to almost the day I had mono last year so my parents were freaking out. So I skipped a bunch of things I was supposed to be doing including some needed homework in Chemistry and well I'm falling behind already and I'm not sure how I'm gonna do on the upcoming final :P. Anyway that just brings me to my anxiety about all my finals which I think will prove to be some of the hardest. ::Sigh:: anyway.... so yeah.
There has also been a lot of fighting between myself and my parents (mostly dad) lately and all because I'm gonna be the big 16 and he still says PG-13 movies aren't for me and how I don't know how to take care of myself properly and all that fun shit. I mean it's deeper than that but that's what the arguments are about on the surface.
Another thing my dad and I are on the rocks about is what college I'm going to; first I'm only a sophmore I dont personally think I need to consider too much my college choices but just keep my grades up. My dad thinks otherwise and I have my heart on Gettysburg College anyway so I dont know why he's spazing. More so than not he's on the computer (well when I'm not) researching college possibilities for me.
Then there is the whole bit about my sister and she complains she's my twin and should know everything about me when she doesnt and the majority of what I do at school she has to find out from gossip. Then again there is that little hitch of what gossip is she going to believe about me. She screams a lot we'll just say that to end this now and not fourty pages from now.
The last thing is the fear part. Life isn't life without some sort of fear right? I mean there wouldnt realy be challenging stuff without some sort of fear going into it. Yeah so I was thinking about stuff I fear doing in my life and questions came up about what things you fear are worth doing and what arent. Yup I think I'll end there, if I've told you why I was wondering you are those select few and all will know later heh.
That's all for this squirrel heh - Risu
My life is like an inside joke... December 30, 2003
So much to say with such a little attention span...hmmmm. Umm lets start with the rest of the title: my life is like an inside joke, if you're not there when it's told chances are you wont get it. Yeah i was talking to john and made that up thought it was pretty clever. :) anyway...stressful holidays. Kevin (bro) came home and he was without a doubt almost the same as when he left, there were minor adjustments i am dealing with but it's for the better.
my dad's bday was today...yay!! he's 49 years old hooray for him i dread the day im that old and yet i wait for it....ill be smarter lol. Anyway, so much i mean to say...went somewhere today before the big bday dinner. Had some conversations whether they were to good or bad i am as of yet uncertain.
Been posting on Gaia and umm got some answers to some poems back i didnt particularly like ( i was called literally crazy and childish) It shouldnt affect me but it does...deep it really hurts, i mean poetry is your soul in writing whether it be a big or little bit but hey...people evidently dont care too much.
another thing that has been bothering me is that i have this choice that i've already made yet i cant seem to end it by pushing aside the one that was chosen for me to get rid of and not keep yet it seems to be that i cant rid myself of them and i must. oh the confused and hopeless thought of me. maybe I am crazy we'll never really know.
In that decision however i had a million dreams about the one i had chosen that finally made me realize i no longer had a choice that the right one was already made. (if you dont get it dont worry im just ranting :)) So i had a fun christmas and hope to have a happy new year.
Happy New year from Risu =^o^=
**Meowness** December 6, 2003
Busy, busy, busy all I seem to be is busy, this sucks ill never join another volunteer group/job again!! (already have girl scouts, midway reenacting and Peer ministry/youth ministry board). Roar, that�s probably not true knowing me it�ll just be another spur of the moment thing ill get sucked into (hat making heh :sweat drop: ) although I did particularly like Kaiya -chan�s it�s hers and therefore I had to give it up, lol, ill make a new other colored one for me I suppose.
:sigh: this week is going to be busy and I had planned to get going on my brother�s Christmas gift and getting money and supplies for other ones, maybe candy canes for friends, so they can sue me im poor they wont get much heh. And now the fun begins, today I have to go to the library to research two months of research so I can write my paper which has to be 4-5 pages with cites and all (eh sleepless nights are coming) and that along with the third essay for English (damn papers piece of shit perfectness expectancy of the teacher) not that he�s not nice and all but damn he sure is demanding on someone already doing so much extra curricular shit even if it is my fault and I shouldn�t blame him. I haven�t even thought about what I�m getting my parents, my family for Christmas and it�s sneaking up on me. I don�t know what to do - I feel like I�ve spread myself too thin.
On top of all the physical mayhem, I also can�t stop thinking about other things (yeah I know Kaiya-chan he�s not worth it, but�I can�t help what I feel) day dreaming being not a good priority when you�re already bogged down with other shit. :sigh: o well. I�ll trudge through.
Happy things: I did my 45min presentation and was complimented. I got Kaiya�s hat done and I gave it to her. I got new music. I wrote. :shrug: anymore has just escaped me.
Sorry about not updating, your exhausted and hopelessly in love Risu
~*I WISH*~ November 22, 2003
Sometimes I wish dreams were reality and that I really could fly away with someone I loved and not be reprimanded for growing wings. Sometimes I wish that wishing would stop and happening started. That life would be more bliss than sorrow still creating the same effect of appreciation for the blissful times. I wish that when you found a love that they could never get away and through your problems a light would shine and you would step through it and be able to forgive and start newly freshened. Sometimes I wish that when you told someone something it sunk right in without delay, being the truth that is, and stayed there so it could be unquestionable. Then I also wish that a certain person would stop murdering my poetry. It�s like he�s stabbing a knife into my heart and believing it only to be flesh; then he does it over and over deeper each time making the wound bigger and mangling my heart forever. Then there are the usual knives and daggers lying in wait striking at their own chance in turn. It�s horrid and I feel that searing pain every day while it worsens. I want to stop this madness. And I want to stop thinking of a fairytale world where things could be better and people would always be matched with a love eventually, but it is nothing more than a dream, a wish. Which also give truth to that beautiful phrase: A dream is a wish your heart makes. I have a dream, a wish, a longing and it�s dead and gone so I struggle on with this anti-fairytale world of ours.
Risu and her mind making sense of her poetry murderer.
~Things of the night and problems~ November 15, 2003
I guess I haven�t written in a while but you know how it goes, your father makes you take these honors courses and convinces you they are good for you�.then you�re there and your struggling in them and that makes you struggle in your other classes. Then you wonder why anyone ever said you were anything remotely close to smart, and you think you have the brain capacity of a squirrel (hence the name Risu) and finally one day you just brake down under the stress and pressure when both honors classes give impossibly hard projects to do in a short period of time while in your other regular classes they are giving projects too! And all you want is to have sleep time back, that�s it, it doesn�t matter if you even have free time as long as you can sleep for the first time in 2 weeks.
That then is a general synopsis of what has been happening, and wooohooo new projects have surfaced since but I�ve ceased to care at the moment. I need to get more pestering things off my mind and on to paper so I have even the slightest chance of figuring them out.
First the thing is there is this huge problem with one of my friends and her boyfriend, well off and on boyfriend. She isn�t happy with what�s happening or with being with him anymore but she says she�s not strong enough. But then she contradicts herself and is hanging all over him and it�s bugging the hell out of me!! I�m supposed to be helping her to keep her head straight with this whole thing but she refuses to get rid of him. I don�t know what to do�I�ve tried everything from being blunt with him about it to being blunt with what she�s doing to her and then I�ve even followed them around which took a good stomach mind you. I feel like I�m just crashing and burning, my ashes are getting up again and then they burn out more.
The only happy thing in my life is the count down until my brother comes to visit on December 18th. I talk to him a little and I miss him a lot but whenever I talk to him over the phone my parents are on the other line so I cant talk to him about my problems so I look foreword to seeing him in person.
Another thing I�m confused about is that certain things keep filtering back into my mind. The poems following will tell the story, heh.
The Adventure
Chill air catches my hair and burns my cheeks
The thick smell of exhaust mixed with cologne
Clogs my senses and puts me in a state of bliss
The tinkling stars of the city pass me by
One by one, they whiz and whirl in their world
Making my eyes dance from watching
And my heart jump in their jubilee
My mind an abyss of thoughts unnoticed
All that matters is the cool night air
The soft feel as I tighten my grip
Reaching around his waist, so comfortable
So real, these feelings of complete bliss
I smell his scent, attacking my heart with vigor
I can no longer feel the empty loneliness
My conscious existence has fled my soul
It is perfectly contented wrapped around him
Entwined with this other soul completely
Embracing the matching hearts and combining them
This connection, this perfect union of two
Made while on this adventure of the soul
The engine dies, and as I uncoil my arms
From his muscular waist; I almost can�t let go.
As I get off the monster of a machine
I caress it�s smooth edges and chrome body
I then begin to wonder what I had felt
Then I shrug, thank the boy, and walk away.
My soul mourning the loss of this unity
My mind wondering what had taken place.
Then there is this one:
Yearning for the Warmth
His warm embrace and enticing smell
Encase my heart in a land of glee
And restore my mind to unnatural bliss
The strong, muscular arms, hold tighter
Warming my soul and touching my heart
Your soft whispers breath life into my being
Your caress, color to my cheeks
The way you look into my eyes
Makes me shudder with excitement
It melts my heart and purifies my soul
Every cell in my body longs to reach out
They long to touch and hold you again
The yearn is sometimes so overpowering
I must grit my teeth, clench my fists
And stop to think about what to do
My heart starts racing faster than my mind
With ever step, I feel that longing for your embrace
Just once to feel my hand entwined in yours again
And feel your kisses on my forehead
As I lay on your shoulder crying
Your whispers in my ear saying it will all be ok
And my feeble heart believing your every word
But alas, none of my longings can be satisfied
Nor my hearts unrest subdued.
All for now!! Your insanely tired Risu
~Poems mostly~ October 25, 2003
It�s 12:24am as I write this�I have to be ready to leave my house all dressed and showered in eight hours. I don�t want to go really, it�s for girl scouts, why I joined is beyond me. Something to do I guess. I just wrote an odd poem�the second one of the day. The first one goes like this:
Storm
Blackness, bright as day
Coldness like the morning sun
Gray joyous clouds swarm
Lightning striking dead and dark
Chills flowing, wafting
There is ice in your core
Soft edges of icicles prick
Biting winds caress a cheek
Eyes drilling yet serene
Baseless ground supports
Head held motionless
Flying across starry sky
Snapped, falling, limp, gone.
Then there is this weird one that I just wrote:
The Shroud
The blackness shrouds what will come
A cold dark spirit destined to kill
One final breath it leaves for pondering
The breath is taken in one fatal whoosh
Flying high searching for a victim
It smashes the soul
It shatters the heart
The body is blind along with the mind
Walking dead in the midst of living souls
Dropping, exhausted into a heap
The spirit drifts into everlasting sleep.
Well that�s all for now I guess. I�m like totally tired and I need to write something decent badly. If you can think of a way I could email me or something I�m really desperate.
Your tired and desperate ~ Risu
~A Little Something~ October 21, 2003
Well long time no write�well at least it feels that way. Reader�s digest version of what I�ve been doing: going to town for three days straight then picketing at my local high school in favor of the teacher�s strike and then after that going shopping and to a haunted hay ride. Then the next day I exhausted myself at the student makeshift dance which was better than the actual dances put on by the school except the music was mostly bad. Then on Sunday I went to church and then directly after shopping with my mother. I then proceeded to go to a girl scout meeting�I just joined do you think that was bad lol, and from that meeting to a peer ministry meeting at my church and didn�t get back home until around nine thirty. Then on Monday I went into Chicago and went to the museum of science and industry with a group of supposedly all girls but somehow a boyfriend got snuck in. So today being Tuesday I had a most needed day of rest. And yes that was the reader�s digest version lol.
Well I know that no one reads this to hear about that, actually why people read this I have no clue but go ahead if you like. The reason for this update, no matter how hard I try there is always someone I think about like an unhealthy amount throughout the day and I know that I shouldn�t because he�s horrible for me� like really bad for me�and I don�t know what to do about it anyway because he has a girl friend who I guess hates me by the way she was giving me the evil glare at the dance we had. ::sigh:: there are odd reasons why I had to get that out. The details are so screwed and blurred that I will not bother to go into them. O well I just had to get something about it out somehow.
Most recent poem that I just wrote I think it�s one of my bad ones though
An Attempt to Fly Away
The restraints, they loosen as I glide away.
The chains clinking as they fade.
People, they want to join the endless freedom
The cool soft air biting at my cheeks.
My nose, smelling a sweet potent fragrance,
The fragrance of life on the wind.
It lifts me higher towards the stars.
These wings of mine grip tightly to the breeze.
The stars, winking and giggling at me,
I wan to join in their little jubilee.
As I see the clouds I wish to ask for rain to flow,
When my sorrow, as tears, intrudes upon my face.
As I glide down I skim the tree tops
With my outstretched hand waiting for a glimpse
Of the beauty coveted inside its covering.
I glide down to ask the river why
It bubbles with such joy and laughter.
Then shout to the waterfall why it crashes so.
I breathe the sent of pine deep within my soul.
I hear the birds, and starting to fly, skim the water
And feel the coolness sister only to the night air.
Then the rain pours out of the sad clouds,
Mimicking the sadness in my heart and soul,
For the night was over and the wings were gone;
The shackles back and the restraint tight.
Too tight to fly away again.
Song of the day: Friend of Mine by Eve6
Lyrics:
Are you feeling that you're on the brink, of spilling some red in the sink? It wasn't the easiest year No I don't want you to go Are the memories too hard to take? Rape is a word with a face No I don't want you to go You know I don't want you to go Friend of mine stay alive don't you leave me here All alone in the world with a chronic tear I will always be here I will always be here I will always be here for you We walked the promenade in the rain With velcro shoes and an ice cream stain You're the only one who understands Remember that Blake said to make sure you wake and help save your generation You know I don't want you to go You know we don't want you to go Friend of mine stay alive don't you leave me here All alone in the world with a chronic tear I will always be here I will always be here I will always be here for you Don't look back The past is just that We are awake!!! Friend of mine stay alive don't you leave me (x2) I'll always be here! Friend of mine stay alive don't you leave me here All alone in the world with a chronic tear I will always be here I will always be here I will always be here for you
~:SIGH:~ October 12/13, 2003
I feel so lost. Ever wake up one day when the whether is great and then as the day passes realize you�re missing something. Then you go through the whole day feeling as if you�ve lost something and just no remembered. Then you stay up into the night and watch a movie that wrenches at your heart and tears at every helplessly romantic part of your body. And go and read something and feel utterly helpless, hopeless and so lost in your own problems and feelings that you are all of a sudden self centered and ignorant all in one night that ended this way around one thirty in the morning.
Well maybe the last part of that has never been experienced by anyone other than myself but I bet a few could at least understand.
I feel so greedy and lost in my own self of wanting and loneliness. I feel like I�ve let people down, that I wasn�t there for my friends and never are unless I�m there but a second and am suddenly wrenched away to cater to another�s bidding. This, even this writing of my thoughts on the subject feels to me at this moment wrong and self indulgent. I feel as if all the fortunate actions bestowed upon me shouldn�t have come upon me at all but to other friends of mine who I know to be more deserving. And no this is no fake cry of distress. I truly believe myself this very second to be selfish and greedy in all of the happenings of my life. I guess realizing this was a bit of a shock� I was completely entangled in myself and have only now cut my way out into the realization.
The eternally confused and perplexed, Risu
~Wonderings of a Soul~ October 11, 2003
The soul is such a complex thing that at some point in every persons life they either understand fully what that means or for some reason thinks they can understand that complexity. Whether the reason for either is because of innocence, ignorance or knowledge is decided upon because of the kind of person.
What makes people seem so intent on having their answer for the complexity of the soul be right? Why is everyone so intent on being stubborn in the way their mind thinks? Everyone says that you should think outside the box, but shouldn�t it really be you must think within and outside the box? Because just thinking inside is being closed minded but just thinking outside you cant grasp the points of someone thinking inside the box and that poses big controversy, hate and anger. And aren�t those things key in most minds to be rid of? Misunderstandings, hate, anger and controversy all play key in people�s desires to wage war and to be cruel and heartless.
Innocent wonderings - Risu
~Lostness~ October 8, 2003
I need help - admitting that is the first step to recovery right? Definition of Life: a pointless quest to stay alive.
That's the vocabulary lesson for today, my definition of life at this moment in time.
Lost
I lost myself some time ago
When I stepped from beneath that tree
I stopped listening to my heart
I started listening to my mind
Confused and thoughtless I am
Completely devoid of feeling
My soul is dying inside me
Withering like a caged thing
I lost myself some time ago
When my soul wandered away
It got caught and bound
Darkness consumes it
Confused and thoughtless I am
Wandering alone in a crowd
Feeling so gone and disturbed
Knowing the thing I hold most dear
Is lost to me forever
There, writing helped. I don't understand this feeling in me. It's like I do the same things everyday and it's just so not me. I'm begining to realize that I truly don't know who I am in my heart and soul.
Well this was kinda short but a lot of thought is going on.
~Thoughtful Risu~
~The Trip~ October 3rd and 4th, 2003
Yes, I�m writing this on my trip to see my brother. The past two days have been a nightmare. Nothing has gone as it was planned. (I was sitting here alone�I thought that I gave clear signals I wanted to be alone�guess not. Anyway Ill keep writing.) We have been at Fort Jackson South Carolina and seeing my brother who graduated from basic training. I missed him more than anyone could ever know. I still miss him now, this is our third day at an army post ( not It�s not a base, it�s a post. Same thing different name) the one we are currently at is fort Gordon which is where Kevin (my bro) will have his communications training to be a �radio man� (my lil nickname) ::huge sigh:: the first day we saw Kevin he had only a pas to freely roam around the post. We then ended up eating at the on post burger king where Kevin engulfed long awaited fast food. Then we drove around and ate dinner at the officers club as a celebration banquet for the graduation the next day. The following day, yesterday, Kevin was allowed off post so we proceeded to a subway to eat lunch and then went to the mall. I called Kevin a MMB or a Military Mall Bunny. Lets say he didn�t like that. Then we had seafood for dinner. So what went wrong you ask�well the entire time he was pretty much a giant emotionless rock and quiet and cranky and tired. He didn�t crack a single joke and the longest smile was under 30seconds. That is I believe the most extreme opposite of Kevin you can get. Usually, well the Kevin I knew, was always cracking one joke or another and was roughhousing with me or doing other brotherly things. Lets say that the statement �be all you can be: is the opposite of what actually happens. What actually happens is they become a stone cold grain of sand that doesn�t have an individual mind. And yeah I know that�s what everyone expects and that he was tired and just had the most stressful, painful and physically challenging two months of his life but there was almost no sign of the Kevin I know and love. The Kevin that tolerated my sarahness and my constant fooling around. The only time I had the tiniest glimpse of who he was, was the first time I saw him and he had been dismissed and he let out this lil woohoo. The other thing that changed about him was that he lost a good 30lbs. And his face and everything thinned out so he�s not a �fun� presence anymore but more of an annoyed presence. He no longer is warm and fuzzy to be around I feel like I don�t even know him�he is not my brother and I wish to God with all my heart he was
So I�m sitting here, in this van, with all these thoughts waiting for my parents to get out of a briefing. We think Kevin might be able to stay with us tonight at a hotel. We�ll see.
I don�t want to be here. I don�t want to make this any harder than I have to or any worse. I feel like I�m invading Kevin�s space. I want to just go home a for AJ to go home too. I mean she wants to and all just like me and we are both getting a tad cranky.
I wish I could just curl up in someone�s arms and cry, just let it all out. My brother is gone and he�ll never be the same and he�s never coming back. I think I may write later.
Sad, lonely, Risu
Next day: around 10:55 central
Yeah, I�m writing again. It�s been a long day and was an interesting night. Well around 6pm eastern we got Kevin. He had a weekend pass which meant that if we had stayed til Sunday we could have him off post in civilian clothes until 6pm Sunday night when he had to be at his barracks. Anyway we took him first to see SWAT cuz he�s been dying to see it. Then we went out the eat at Chili�s. we stayed the night in a hotel where he and AJ watched Band of Brothers on his new mini DVD player. He ended up sleeping in our room�heh. The next morning we got to sleep in until like nineish eastern, I was happy. We then took the �grand tour� of Augusta Georgia *we got lost* stopped at a pizza hut and then went shopping. We had to get Kevin clothes that fit his skinny body��lol. (new weight loss program - join the army) then we had to bring him back so we could head home. Oh, what made this such a beauteous day? Well, he was the regular kevi again. He wasn�t cold and non responsive, he was a joker again and making fun of me to boot! It was great. Granted he�ll never be the same old same old again but at least it was better. He�s coming home for christmass so maybe it�ll get better.
the normally confusted Risu
~Happiness~ September 29, 2003
OMG! I haven�t written for a bit so I decided�hey lets get out some of those bottled feelings eh? Anyway today (Monday) was an awesome day. Yes I know, a Monday? But it happened and to me of all people, a good Monday!! Anyway I guess maybe it makes up for me not being in school the rest of the week!! Yippee!! No school no school lalalalala. Heh, I guess I�m getting carried away. But it�s mostly great because I get to see my brother!!! My brother is 19 and I haven�t seen him for 9weeks and I know that�s not that long of a time, but I�ve never really been apart from my brother I mean I even was a boy scout at boy scout camp with him when we were little. Well the point is we were closeish. I cant say we were really close because during high school we were a bit distant but still closer than some brothers and sisters are. Oh im so excited about it all.
Another thing that im excited about is that Anna let me borrow how to draw anime books so im learning to draw them but it�s mostly so I can design my clothing. YAY! If there is a really good one with good measurements I have permission to make it for myself�.it�s gonna be so much fun!!! Ok gotta go pack, I�ve been putting it off for a while�I have to find clothes to pack first lol.
I�ll miss everyone while I�m gone even though it�s only gonna be for 6days�heh. Yeah anyway off to do chores!
The ever smiling Risu-chan
~Loneliness~ September 22, 2003
�Hold on, hold on
(I can't let go)
And you don't know
How I feel
And nothing seems to heal
And nothing seems to work
And nothing is as beautiful
I'm old enough
To take all the blame
For all the mistakes
All the games and all the faces
I'm bleeding by myself
And I'm okay�
Sell My Soul by Our Lady Peace
Is loneliness only caused by not having a �significant other�? Or is it caused by having negligent friends and family who are never there or for some reason you never see, yet they are still your friends and you can always pick up where you left off. What exactly is loneliness? Is it a state of mind or is it caused by people or things? I don�t know the answers to these questions really all I know is that lately I�ve become increasingly more and more lonely and isolated. I�m not sure what it is that�s doing it though. The only reason all this was brought up was because today I felt completely useless and alone. Usually I have a multitude of people that come to me with questions, thoughts, ideas or whatever they would like to share. Today on the other hand was different, I was alienated from all social contact and felt small and insignificant not to mention the loneliest I�ve been in quite a while. Maybe it was all in my head but I don�t know about anything anymore it just seems like things are changing at such a rapid pace that I�m lost in the dust and am still chocking when they head to the next stop.
Things aren�t going so great with everyone either. I, for a while, talked to a friend (Ryan) all the time and I confided in him and we had fun, and then on Friday night he surprised me by all of a sudden having this girl that was sitting on his lap and he completely didn�t acknowledge my presence. I think if I was in a normal state of mind I would have just shrugged this off, but in this current state that I seem to be stuck in, it hurt a lot that he had just gone off and had gotten a girl friend and never told me about it. I guess that�s a little selfish but I felt really close to him and now all of a sudden continuing the tradition today it was as if I wasn�t there I mean there was a tiny conversation but other than that on Friday all I got was a goodbye and today (Monday) all I got was a brief hello. I don�t know why this made me so�angry/sad either, I guess I�m just being messed up.
Anyway the song lyrics above are only like a short excerpt of the named song. It was put there for lack of something better and it pulled at me when I was listening to it coming home from school. And below are some quotes to live by thanks to Jamu�s little collection:
�Life isn�t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself� ~ George Bernard Shaw
�Argue for your limitations and sure enough they�re yours.� ~ Richard Bach
�Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.� ~ Carol Burnett
Struggling in the confines of her mind,
Risu
~Explainations and Apologies~ September 16, 2003
Look, I guess I owe a few people�an explanation / apology and I owe it to myself to learn from this fun mishap. ...Well to begin, when I said, �I just thought that this could be important information if I ever just burst out that Brad is the biggest asshole besides Chris.� that�s how I felt at the time, I was angry and yeah that just all exploded and some people didn�t appreciate it, you know who you are if you�re even still reading this, I�m sorry.
For the next thing, I said, �I was soo proud of myself though, the afore mentioned Brad, well I had some complications with how I felt about him all summer. See it was mainly Chris� fault we broke up, and the rest was me because I tend to over dramatize� for future reference. But I still really felt and still feel that I love him and I didn�t want to let him go, but extremely recently I have decided he�s not worth it and well let him go, but this is almost a year after we first started going out. So I don�t know whether that�s good or bad. Anyway the past few days I have been freely talking to him and his newest girlfriend so I think I�m making progress ( I know I sound like the therapist and patient all in one).� this essentially is true I guess it just needs a lil explaining. When I say not worth it I meant he wasn�t coming back ever and I was a lil sad�yeah he probly wont care but I thought I might just put all this in. I know that I have to let everything go and I have and I didn�t mean anything really against him It was my problem not mine and I should�ve actually told him. ::sigh:: this is really tearing me up, it shouldn�t be cuz�I dunno I haven�t had a conscience in sooo long but now I guess it�s coming back with my new attitude. So I�m sorry if I startled anyone or hurt them or for any other wrong this entry may have done them.
To get to the actual topic of today, I was completely tired and totally into my English class. I don�t know if people will call me a freak but I absolutely love honors English class it�s the best part of the day and I love going there. I guess it just gets my mind in such a writing mood and writing moods make me happy, usually anyway. Well here is what came out of it:
Untitled (if you think of one email me)
Flashbacks,
Hauntings from the past.
Railroad spikes and
Old mysteries,
Clamor in the mind.
Long sighs,
Echoing in the
Mists of time.
Wonderings, Misgivings,
Of one so young
And thoughtless.
Snapping at the soul
And the life within.
Human nature
Has ceased to fuel
The fire which
Has grown into embers.
It no longer
Radiates heat and light,
But has a dark,
Dead glow.
~Tons of questions~ September 15, 2003
OK I have a pertinent question for everyone. Why do people have to choose between the dark and the light? Good and evil sides of them that are conflicting? Why in the world should people have to pick one extreme or the other? Can�t society just take all the black and white aspects and turn them into gray so that people could be a little more free to think for themselves?
These questions have been running through my head lately� I just wish that people didn�t have such closed minds. Yes I also know that trying to open society�s mind in general would be an impossible task, but just lonely old me I�ve decided to take on this alter clothing personality. Like everyone has a personality and a clothing personality; the clothing personality is different though it�s just what you want to wear and then people, depending on who they are, put a stereotype on you and that�s then what you become to them. This though is the stupidest thing I�ve ever heard of, so I decided that every week ill be a little part of a few extremes. My usual attire is in stereotypical language something of a perish style without so much emphasis on name brand and how I look every second of the day (no way would I go into a store named Abercrombie and fitch �they just aren�t my taste). Yes you can interpret that as being a lil hypocritical but it�s just that the clothing in there doesn�t appeal to my tastes. Anyway today I was more of a gothic style, well at least I was told, the thing I was told that I thought fit the most was that I looked somewhat like a dark elf. But this is like my goal is for people to disregard my clothing because I go through so many extremes in one week that they can�t tell by my clothing who I am. I think lately during the little time I�ve been doing this I�ve had more people actually come up and want to talk to me and not the image that I was portraying that day than any other time in my life; and, it feels great.
~Hey if you guys want any questions that I pose in any of my entries just email me about them my email is at the top just click on me!!~
Email me and tell me if you think this plan will work too! Just no junk ok!!
The oppressed will always one day break and either win in getting themselves noticed in two ways, killing themselves or finally stop taking all that crap from everyone else.
Song lyrics I found cool/depressing/inspiring:
Landing by Moby
Thick black soul
Moving slow, moving close to you
This life I don't know
It seems kinda sick to me
Hold each other tight
Walking through to my destiny
This glitter in my eye
Catches light catches sympathy
This glitter in my eye
Catches light catches sympathy
Your lips are moving but I can't hear what you say
Stars are falling but you still feel the same way
This shield
What is real
Is believing
(Ha-ha-ha-aaa)
[REPEAT]
The happy squirrel,
Risu-chan
~Ack! I Have Issues~ September 12,2003
Ok I know that I wrote my very first entry yesterday and I have to say that it was fun creating something all my own where I can present my true feelings without feeling burdened by the person that I�m talking to�s feelings. To tell the truth usually that burdens me more than anything when I�m trying to express my true feelings. ::Sigh:: today of all days� tonight is a party night, I�m headed to my friend Dixie�s sweet sixteen. Can anyone even tell me why they call it a sweet sixteen anymore other than your drivers license I mean it should be like exciting (or insert own adjective) eighteen I mean that�s when you become a legal adult.
I�m going to stop wandering for now at least and well just wrap up with the thought that I was going to update again, two days in a row, but well umm�I was lazy and didn�t realize that it was time to go, so I might add to this later.
Later�11:40pm Ok well I went to Dixie�s party and it was all great but someone (jami!!!) wouldn�t come so yeah. AHHH I needed someone there to slap my hand!!!. Ok I picked up the new word oober so bear with it. I was oober bad tonight�major flirt. OMG everyone was asking me if I like a certain guy (Sean ::sp?:: ) anyway I was like�umm un poco? And no one really understood. I mean I guess they had reason to be asking me since I was being his pillow and he mine�we fell asleep together it was like completely snuggly and cute and comfy. Lol yeah I�m seriously tired. Ok yeah I guess that�s it, hope I don�t get like completely mauled by a few people. (Don�t kill me Jamu!!) lol I have no clue why you would other than the whole Ryan thing. Yeah, so ill update again some other time and tell you all how it went.
Tootles!!!!
Risu-chan
~The First~ September 11,2003
Ok I guess I�m finally starting this thing� wow I�m actually going through with it. To tell the truth I have no idea what possessed me other than jamu-chan was like �I need a new layout� and I was like, �I want one, I want a purple one!!� *excited giggles*. So she humored me I guess you could say. And yeah I know this is boring so far but�give it a chance the introduction is either boring or spectacular and I�m only one person doing way too much shit.
So anyway I was told to write away so here I go. My utterly pointless and pathetic life has a whole lot of background. This background includes the infamous Chris Crane and a lot of other guys� well mostly guys I mean if there weren�t any girls I wouldn�t be typing in a journal online. A little background for now is that after a couple dud first relationships Chris was my boyfriend for like a month or so and ever since then he has either liked me in an intimate way or just liked hanging around me and telling me my faults. If you couldn�t tell since he left I�ve begun to dislike his manor of doing things and just well� him. But yes most of the Sarah�s mentioned in any of Chris� journal entries on another site were about me. Yes the sad but true fact that I am no longer in denial about who he was talking about. But moving on, after him I had a relationship for around 5 and maybe a half months with a guy named Brad. Well lets just say that didn�t turn out too pretty; I just thought that this could be important information if I ever just burst out that Brad is the biggest asshole besides Chris. If you haven�t already begun to tell I have a small problem with boys, but hopefully as this progresses you�ll come to find that it�s slowly leaving or if you�ve known me longer �umm I guess you would call it a lengthy process. There is a lot I could add here but I think the best thing to do is add as I go on.
Well today�was a semi unusual day because I happened to borrow a kimono shirt from Sarah (one of my friends) and well it has HUGE sleeves that are completely awesome but well I had a skirt on with it and everyone kept calling me �bat girl� and �witch� so I have no clue what is wrong with people. I was also by my own twin sister (did I mention I was a twin?), called a slut or at least it was said I looked like one. Coming from my sister it wasn�t that bad but learning she told everyone else that would listen her thoughts on my clothing really ticked me off. I mean what a nice sister I have. Anyway I�m shooting things out like a crazy woman. I was soo proud of myself though, the afore mentioned Brad, well I had some complications with how I felt about him all summer. See it was mainly Chris� fault we broke up, and the rest was me because I tend to over dramatize� for future reference. But I still really felt and still feel that I love him and I didn�t want to let him go, but extremely recently I have decided he�s not worth it and well let him go, but this is almost a year after we first started going out. So I don�t know whether that�s good or bad. Anyway the past few days I have been freely talking to him and his newest girlfriend so I think I�m making progress ( I know I sound like the therapist and patient all in one).
The thing that royally pissed me off today about society though was that people can�t get past the stereotypes and the melodramatic life that is placed before them. They don�t comprehend that yes high school is supposedly the best time of your life but after high school no one cares what happened to you in there� all they care about is the person you came out of there as a result of these wonderful times. Society then as a whole doesn�t get that people can be who they are no matter how they dress or what variety of people they hang out with. It�s complete and utter madness how people responded to my wearing a �gothic� style. And I would even prefer if people didn�t call it �gothic� because technically there is no gothic clothing there is only architecture. Well to sum it up, today was a different day and tomorrow will be its own.
The confused and thoughtful always come out on top!
Risu-chan
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