Thursday, February 06, 2003
3:53 PM

Let me run down my entire day�as much of it as I remember, anyway.

First, I woke up late (6:30 AM), got a shower, didn't dry my hair all the way, and froze to death on my way to the bus stop, being as it's roughly 30� once again.

Then I got to school and spent a while talking to some people up until someone decided he wanted in on the "circle" and literally picked me up and moved me out of his way. >.<;

THEN, I saw Autumn, who said she wasn't feeling any better but was in school anyway. That made me happy. I didn't go upstairs, however, because I then encountered Cathy, and we walked back around and I talked to Jenna and them for longer. Then the bell rang, and Cathy left, and I went to homeroom.

AJ had a large gash on his hand from Kristin's fingernail, and I went all "That reminds me of ANOTHER time when some asshole decided it'd be smart to cut someone who ended up bleeding for a couple hours afterwards!" referring, of course, to my injured hand.

Kristin annoys the hell out of me sometimes. But that's not 'till later.

I went to first period, where Joe annoyed me, and Kurt�well, I don't remember what he did.

Then I went to second period, where I decided that I really hate some people, and actually haven't talked to them since. I talked to Laura through all of second period. That's how it usually is.

And then I went to third period and got pissed as hell at the student teacher because she doesn't know how to deal with an orchestra. Which, naturally, is all our fault because we were "rushing" and "not staying together". e.e; I don't wanna hear it. She can't keep a beat for shit.

Fourth period also sucked, two people got suspended and a bunch of other people got yelled at. We had the substitute from Hell.

Fifth period was awesome, which is rare. We listened to music all period. Will Smith music, to be exact. And none of this new stuff�it was old school Will Smith. You know, that "greatest hits" CD or something. We listened to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme at least three times. ^_^ It was great. The whole class sang along. We're all such morons.

Jen and I had to go get teachers' pictures during lunch. They had the bad chicken this week. We were sad.

I wrote a practice prompt (very badly, I might add) during 5C.

In History�Kristin drew all over herself and thinks it was cool. We have a test tomorrow. I am, in fact, going to take Mr. Edward's class next year.

Trig sucks. No further explanation needed there.

There was a "fight" on the bus. Zach and Noah were yelling at each other. Zach thinks Noah's stupid. I don't blame him. I told Noah straight up that I was calling him a dumbass the other day. He didn't seem to care.

Now I'm bored and my back hurts and I'm going upstairs. Later.

Monday, February 03, 2003
6:56 PM

Whoa!! We're back up and running! Hehe. Dude, we've been shut down for months. But now we're back and better than ever!

Alright, maybe not better than ever, but back, at least!

You've gotta admit, my ocean thing is pretty. It's from Final Fantasy VIII. I think I need more links on it or something, though. =\ I dunno.

I also think I need to start designing my website. My domain might expire if I don't make people go there. o.o; But what can I make them go to if there's nothing there?

I'm all...pissed off, and stuff. I should really do something non-violent for a while. Later.

♥~Staci~♥

October 16
5:28 AM

WELL! This has been quite an exciting day for me. My FUCKING MORON OF A SISTER JUST LIT MY GOD DAMN KITCHEN ON FIRE. So, naturally, they both run; Jackie comes downstairs and says to me, "Stace, you have to get out of the house." And I'm like, "Why?"

"The kitchen's burning down."

So I flipped out on her, then I went upstairs to see what was happening, and sure enough, there are flames coming out of my kitchen. So I yelled at Jackie, and then tried to open the cabinet to get that shit you're supposed to throw on grease fires, but alas, the cabinet COINCEDENTALLY opened straight into the fire. GO FIGURE!

Thus, I was forced to just grab the pot away so that it wouldn't catch anything else on fire. Jim suddenly shows up and shoots it with a fire extinguisher. The fire, like, blows up, and I get burned. And then I drop the pan and he just sprays the ground. NOW, we have all kinda dust shit all over our kitchen, and MY SISTER COULD HAVE FUCKING BURNT OUR HOUSE DOWN. >.<

Anyway, that's not what this entry's supposed to be about. I've noticed that Kuri hates me. Since this is really her site, I thought perhaps it would only be right of me to leave it. And since I don't really write here anyway, I don't see that as a problem.

Therefore, I'll be leaving the site. I'm still on Diary-X, but not the one that's linked to from here because my mom read it. *forced smile* I wasn't happy. But yes, feel free to email if you want the new address.

October 01
10:54 AM

I had a very angry and depressive and somewhat suicidal entry to post here, but�ah. I didn't post it, ph0r it wasn't completed when I had to leave, so I didn't rush the end because I didn't want to be more snappish than I already was. But now it's the next day and my anger has, for the most part, faded, and now I'm left with that desolate and abandoned feeling. I'm completely crushed. I have no idea what to do.

Jenna IMed me yesterday and told me Chris told her to tell me goodbye for him. And�I was like, and I quote, "....what?" She went on to explain that she'd IMed him earlier in the day to talk about something, and received "bye" in response. After repeated efforts of communication, he finally said something to her, and she explained that he was changing his screenname and cutting off all communication with everyone�"starting over", so to speak. And�I freak out.

Shorly prior to this, Mary tells me to read her guestbook, because there's a note from Chris in there that includes the phrase "tell Staci I'm sorry". And I'm like, what the fuck? Why can't he tell me that himself?

Jumping back to when I was talking to Jenna�she says she doesn't know what's going on with him, he's never himself, he tries to push everything away when something bad is going on and thinks it's for the best, when really all it does is hurt or annoy everyone around him�I'd have to say, that's accurate. And then I write a very short email to him, saying pretty much "I heard a curious rumor today and I'm hoping it's not true�what's going on?" And, alas, AOL reports to me that "RestlessHeartCC is not a known member". I cry, a lot. HOW the HELL could he do that to me? How could he do that to ANYONE? I'm so very hurt and shaken, and I cry to Jenna for several minutes before I decide I'm annoying and to just cry to myself. And then I IM Blueberries's away message, telling it that she needs to come back NOW. Which, of course, she doesn't. But still.

By the time she DOES come back, I no longer want to talk at all, and pretty much have resorted to crying and playing whatever angst-filled music I can find. She IMs me anyway, though. So I tell her I'm upset and this and that, and say to her, "You know his new screenname, don't you?"

She says, "I forgot it." u.u; And I don't believe her. So she describes her actions of the past few hours to demonstrate for me that she really DOESN'T remember. However, she informs me that it's "somethingCC".

So I say to her, "I'm not asking for it. I just wanted to know if he gave it to you." Which, clearly, he did, and this crushes me all the more�some "starting over" that turned out to be.

Anyway.

So then Jami gets back from swim practice, and she IMs me, and I completely bitch at her for absolutely nothing just because I'm so upset. And then I feel bad and apologize, but manage to bitch even more about it anyway. And I refuse to tell her what's wrong because she knows him and everything and I just couldn't say anything. But she reads my journal anyway and figures it out. (The other one, nimrod.) She asks what specifically he did. I tell her. She apparently gets angry. I don't know if she was really angry or not. She goes on about how horrible of him this is and how she's not going to forgive him�although he didn't do anything to her. And I'm somewhat irritated, and extremely hurt, and still crying. I kind of go silent. Ben makes a chat about punching things. I happily join it, heh heh. No matter what they tell you, violence is the answer.

I say to Jami something about how I'm way too forgiving and if he ever realizes that what he did was stupid, I'd probably just forgive him and ignore all the pain and the crying and the upsettedness I'm going through, and she tells me not to do that. She tells me she's going to yell at him when he calls her. I don't know if I like this idea or not. But I don't really have a say in it. I'm not his friend anymore, you know. I'm one of the abandoned ones.

I can't believe he did that. I cannot believe it. I'm still in complete disbelief. I'm still crying. I'm at home today because I couldn't stay composed this morning long enough to go to school. I'm glad I'm not there, I'd be crying there, too. That would suck. People would notice. I wonder if Jenna knows why I'm not there. She might. I told her how upset I was. She knew, she knows all. I cried.

Now�I've got to go before my mom gets online at work. Because then I won't be able to. And yeah. Bye.

September 21
10:58 PM

Ugh�I'm greatly irked. By Dan. He's complaining because nobody likes him. u.u; Of course people like him. He's a likeable guy. I dunno where he's getting the idea that they don't.

He made me come up with an example. The hell should I know? I don't know anyone that lives by him! Well, I do, but they're not right around him�and anyways, so I had to use myself, and he said he likes me too, but I'm here and he's there and it makes him feel alone and hopeless. And yeah, I can totally relate to that. But it doesn't mean I need to go complaining that nobody likes me. I know people like me. It just so happens that they don't like me enough to go out with me, and the feeling is mutual.

But still�heheh. I dunno, I'm venting. I'm irritated. Dunno what else I can say.

This song, by the way. It's French. You should all listen to it. It's on the Moulin Rouge soundtrack, download it or buy it sometime, will ya? Hehe.

September 14
12:37 PM

Woohoo! Check out my onion!! ^_^ I have lots of them. One for pretty much everything I was feeling this past week. Why? Because I got bored and decided the little kitty from LJ was no longer satisfying me. I needed something better, cuter�AN ONION! XD Hahaha�okay, sorry. I'm just a tad bit really really hyper. As you can tell from the onion!! XD *adores the onion*

Okay, I just rearranged the HTML on this page so that now I can type all this shit at the very bottom and not have to worry about messing up the placement of the links. GO ME! Hahaha. Of course, that matters not to anyone but me. Cos I'm the only one that has to fuck with the HTML on this page. ^_^;

This is a great song. All you people who made fun of it, or made fun of me for liking it, are stupid. Because it's truly an awesome song. You know how good it is at lifting people out of really bad moods?? It's GREAT! I mean, listen to it! "It's peanut butter jelly tiiime, peanut butter jelly tiiime, peanut butter jelly tiiime!" How could that NOT make you smile? u.u You'd have to be a doofy-head to not like it. *realizes she just called the majority of the world doofy-heads* o.o; �u.u Oh well.

It's not very good to have on "repeat", though. *sweatdrop; changes song* Oh! Something depressing! Yay!! n.n

Now we're listening to "Melodies of Life" from Final Fantasy IX. (Nine, for the Roman numerically impared.)

Hee. I like my new template thing! It's�not very pretty, but I was hyper while I made it, so I think it looks c��l!!!

I think�that more people should join the site. It'd be more ph|_|n that way. We could have a party!! Hee. n.n

My throat is SO DRY�I'mma go get me somethin' to drink. So I'll see y'all later, cos I'll prolly play FFIX some more once I get up there. n.n;; Sowwy. Laters!

*~Staci~*

September 1
12:29 PM

Why am I always the last one to know everything? *annoyed look* Oh well. I guess it doesn't really matter all that much.

Well, Dan's away for the weekend. Still. It's driving me insane to see his screenname online and to have his cell number right here and to be completely incapable of reaching him�rock climbing, people. Cell phones typically don't work where rock climbing's going on. He'll be back on Monday night. Monday night. Doesn't that just feel like forever away?

*irked look* It does feel like forever away. What is it, tomorrow night? Bah. How pathetic.

See, I'm afraid he'll forget about me. Actually, I told him all my fears and everything. He knows how insecure I am, heh. I don't know why he likes me so much. I have this paranoia that he's not being honest and he just wants to fuck with my head or something, you know? But he's, like, Mister Catholic Boy. He wouldn't lie. Right?

Heh heh. Right. Then I tell myself, "WRONG!" But I ignore myself anyway. Because I'm probably just being paranoid.

It's scary. So very scary. And see, I decided I'm gonna try and be completely honest with him about everything, but it's hard because I don't want to be like, "Oh, I think you're lying to me every time you talk to me." So I don't say that. But�yeah. How about I change the subject?

Okay, guess what I did. XD I successfully moved the car from the top of the driveway all the way back to the pile of logs in my backyard. GO ME! Heh. Okay, it doesn't sound all big and important, but to me, it is, because I thought for sure I'd never be able to do that without hitting a tree or something. But I didn't! ^-^

Dad's going to buy a new car. He said I could buy his old car. The Mazda. That's�red. And it smells like cigarettes. And the air conditioning doesn't work. Question: Why would I wanna buy that? I hate the smell of cigarettes. I also hate having to roll down all the windows to not fry to death. And it's�red! God, what does he want for it, $20? *annoyed look* I'd never buy that car. Ever. Even if it was the last car on the�eh, wait. In that case, perhaps I would.

Well, I'm out of things to say already, so I'm gonna disappear. Sayonara!

♥~Staci(ness)

August 20
3:33 PM

Meh�sorry about that. x.o I started something that I couldn't possibly finish, and I apologize.

At the moment, I'm wasting time, waiting for my mom to get offline so that I can do some of my work�because, see, I made an arrangement. Actually, someone else made an arrangement, I just benefit from it. ^.^ Lucky me, don't you think?

Well, I may as well elaborate a bit, ne? I have an odd feeling that less people read this than even my <shameless plug>Starless Midnite</shameless plug> one. ^.~

See, at the end of the school year last year, a very large group of us got books�to, like, read, over the summer. For a grade. A huge grade, at that�40% of the first quarter of our junior year. And all of us, being the lazy sophomores we were, immediately began to contemplate ways to get out of having to read these three books. (Interesting fact: East Allegheny's Class of 2004 is by far the laziest class there has ever been in the history of the school. And, yes, that'd be me. ^.^;) Most of us got answers to stuff online�some of us, though a very small number, opted to actually read the books, to better understand the material. And the rest of us panicked with two weeks left of summer and started making all sorts of deals with people who'd done more than us.

I'm fortunate enough to have wonderful friends who are just as lazy as I am. ^.^ Almost all of us, I believe, have at least one full book incomplete with a total of five days left to do it. Luckily enough, the book that I have left is different than the one Jen has.

Mwaha. So, all I really need to do is vocabulary�once I get that done, I'll actually read the book. All you really need to turn in are answers. Who cares if they're right?

Meh. Well, I'm going to try again to get online�hopefully it'll actually work this time�

*a few minutes later* �x.o�*twitch*�

>< Why the hell do they need AOL there, anyway? It's supposed to be a company. Why don't they get a real ISP? *annoyed look*

Meh. I'm, ah, stuck here with nothing to do for a while more, and Jackie has the Sims minimized, so I can't play any music unless I close it, which would piss her off to no end, unless I tell her the computer froze�which, in fact, I'm going to do; hang on a second.

"Ah, sorry Jack, but you know how cruel and terrible our computer is�"

*plays Unwritten Law* XD

Okay�this is one hella long entry, for this journal. Whee! n.n I like to write. You all are prolly gonna be all "o_o" when you read this cos it's so friggin' long�

"Apparently he has a record longer than my��well, it's long."

Wee. I love that movie. Hehe.

YES! It let me online! *hugs computer*

Well, since I have work to do, I'm gone. See ya'll later! ^.^

Over and out,
Staci

August 19 // Day ??
3:40 AM

The subdirectory idea was killed, so I thought I'd post again while changing the links back�

Squall wrote about love today. And I've recently become obsessed with Moulin Rouge, a movie all about love. So, I figure, hell, why not elaborate on it?

"Love is a many splendid thing; love lifts us up where we belong; all you need is love!" Ewan McGregor says that in Moulin Rouge. I think he's right.

Love is the most beautiful thing there is. It can make you feel so strong and so�untouchable. I don't quite know how to explain it�because, truth be told, I've never experienced true love. All I know is the bad sort of love; the kind that you hate yourself for ever dreaming up. But�I don't know. Shit. I wish I could explain this, but there is LOTS of stuff going on upstairs all of a sudden, so I really have to run. See y'all later. x.x;

~Stace


3:01 AM

@.@; Eh. Sorry. I sorta tend to disappear. I have no idea what day it is. In accordance with the journal, I mean. x.x; Sorry.

<shameless plug>
See, the thing is, there's no HTML required in Diary-X�
</shameless plug>

^.~ I like my water droplet thing though. Even though the picture takes a while to load. Speaking of which, my 15-day limit has passed, I know, so I need to move this to a different page and make a new template for the next 15 days, which'll probably be over by the time I get the new template up�

But, ah, let's not worry about that right now. Let's go for entries instead. We'll keep this one for, say, ten entries. Which, yes, could potentially take three months to get. *sweatdrop*

We should get more people on this site, no?

Eh, I have to go change all the links (Squall put our files in subdirectories! ^.^) so that they're not dead, so I'll leave you now. ^.^ Be back uh, soon, maybe, or maybe not. >.>; Either way. It's the thought that counts, no?

Hearts;
Staci-chan ^.~

August ??
10:50 PM

Hi, guys. It's been a while.

Welcome to Version 3 of my journal�I like the water splotch thing. Maybe I'll keep this one for longer than three days�but then, maybe not. ^_~ I like to change these things frequently. Templating is what I do when I'm frustrated or upset. And, voila, look at all these templates�lol, coincidence? I think not�

I'm going to Virginia this weekend. Woohoo. Sounds like fun, doesn't it? Too bad I don't know anyone online that lives in Virginia�well, the part of Virginia that I'm going to, anyways�

I've lost track of the days, too, by the way. Maybe if I feel like it I'll change that back. *shrug* But really now. Does anyone honestly care what day it is? I didn't think so�

Well, listen to this. Me and Mandi came up with a brilliant, foolproof plan. (Of course, when you say "foolproof", it's bound to get screwed up somewhere along the way�) We decided to put our plan into action. Then we didn't talk for like twenty minutes, and various people got both of us into better moods. And now I don't know if we're doing our plan or not.

o.o; I keep forgetting to put the line breaks in. It does it automatically in Diary-X. *sweatdrop*

So. I'm in a pickle. (XD) I've created a situation for myself in which I have to lie to people every day. That's very unfortunate. They don't take well to being lied to. Well, they'll get mad, and stay mad for a while�I know these people, I've seen them mad before, heh. Many times before.

I'm tired and tired of being angry�so I'm going to hang out with my sister for a while until I feel stupid for acting like a dumbass. Later.

26 July 2002
3:52 PM

�I need to reformat this. lol, I like formatting things. I have a convenient one right here and ready, too! ^^ lol.

I tried to change my Xanga one to this, but for some reason it keeps showing up its pink ugliness at me. *sigh* Oh well, I guess.

Staci wants to go to sleep.

I'm gonna have to start updating this again�I like it�plus, I ignore too much anymore.

I've decided I'm going to become cold and heartless. Simple reasoning behind this. My being nice and caring only ends up hurting me because people apparently don't like nice and caring people. They like them around when they need something to do, or someone to make them smile. Then they're disgarded and stepped on and ignored. Therefore, my niceness will die.

And you know, I hope y'all are happy. Congratulations. You've killed my spirit.

~Me

22 July 2002
6:31 PM

How sad. Eleven days without updating. I had excuses, though. Went away for a while. Did stuff with friends. And also just didn't remember. ^_^;

I'm not quite so depressed anymore�good news, no? I thought so. Eherm.

Now�oh yeah. I added an older entries page containing the entries from days one through fifteen. You can check that out if you'd like. There's a link down below, there.

Other than that, there's not much to report. Although that may just be because of the headache. If it clears up and I remember something sometime, I'll let you know.

Until then, this is Staci, over and out.

~Me

9 July 2002
8:31 PM

Sigh. I'm pissed off. Very much so.

Actually, I'm not. I'm just�unhappy. Not even angry, not sad, or upset, or anything. Just unhappy. Discontent. Even less upbeat than normal.

�I think my spirit died. It really kind of seems like it did, because I don't feel much anymore, emotion-wise. I feel tired, a lot. I feel a lot of physical pain all the time. I feel a void. Like I'm incomplete, or something.

I'm�I don't know what. There's something I'm not really understanding about this mood here. Something about it makes it impossible to really comprehend. For me, at least.

Dunno. I'm gonna go again, now. Maybe sleep. I'm very tired, all of the time, anymore. I should just get some sleep and get it over with.

Peafully;
~Panno

8 July 2002
10:17 AM

Waha. Yesterday was the coolest! ^_^

It's ALWAYS fun to do family stuff on my mom's side, cos EVERYONE has, like, the mentality of a ten-year-old. Only slightly more morbid and sick. But it's all good, still.

Nobody's ever serious over there. Ever. It's the absolute best thing in the world to take your mind off things.

I could run through my activities of the day cos I remember them better now that it's tomorrow, but I really don't feel like it, so, no. ^_^;

So bye, I guess. n.n;
~Panno

4 July 2002
11:14 AM

Happy Holiday, yo'. ^_^

I meant to wake up several hours ago�but I kept going back to sleep and now it's all late and stuff�not as late as yesterday, but still. Damn it! Why don't I wake up when I first get up!? It'd spare me a lot of trouble�

I keep dreaming things. It's not RIGHT to dream some of this stuff. I really don't like the idea in the first place, and I DON'T need to make up a damn dream about it�I can't even describe it to you guys, it's just�too weird.

Sorry for not updating for a few days, too. I feel bad, sorta. o.o; Even though I really don't know if people read this or not.

Also. And I don't know if anybody really wants to hear this or not. I keep getting almost-suicidal. It's�scary. Not right. That's really dumb, you know? Really dumb. But I do it anyway. And I think I should, but I refuse to throw the knife somewhere, because I want it there, I want to know where it is. But that's stupid. I'd ask someone here to hide it, but they don't know. So shh.

Blah. I dunno. I don't have much to talk about I guess. I think I'm going to Mandi's for the Fourth of July thing, but turns out my dad might just screw that up for me. Not that I think it's a waste of time to go to his house or anything�I dunno. Don't really know what I want, right now. Other than to go back to sleep.

WITHOUT having to worry about 3vil dreams! ><;

The disturbed,
Panno-chan

1 July 2002
7:20 PM

n.n It's July! How cool is that. I thought for sure I'd be dead by now.

Okay, well, I'm supposed to leave. Leave, never to be seen online again. Yes, it's sad. For me, anyways. Most of my closest friends, I know online. And it's really, really hard to leave them. That was screwed over today, but I'm glad it was, because I actually like talking to them better than being here all by myself.

I think I'm still supposed to try it, though�not sure if I'm going to or not. x.x I don't know. Hey, we'll see, ne?

Either way, I'll still update this thing�it's like, a law, you know? I HAVE to update it. Or ELSE! Gasp. I have an online journal addiction. n.n;

So until tomorrow, or whenever the next time I let myself get online may be,
Panno-chan

30 June 2002
11:02 PM

I HATE NOT BEING ABLE TO SAY WHAT I WANT TO SAY.

I don't know how many other people have to go through that�but it sucks. It really, really sucks. It's not even that I'm too afraid to say it�I'm just too worried about how well received it would be. I KNOW my feelings are not appreciated, so I don't talk about them. But DAMN, do I want to. Horribly. I feel terrible because I want to say this soo badly, but I CAN'T.

What's horrible about it is that I will never, ever be able to say a word about it to the person I want to. Ever. I want to, I wanted to, I almost did, but I couldn't. There's this thing in me that won't let me do something if it would affect someone in a negative way. Even though it might kill me to leave it unspoken. Sometimes, I really, really wish I wasn't as considerate as I am. I hate being considerate. It hurts me a lot more than it helps anyone.

Always,
Panno


9:31 PM

o.o I'm updating. I'm not very well at the moment. I'm never very well anymore. Today just sucks, though. I don't know. I'm depressive, what can I say?

Normally I'd have a lot more to say�but I really don't feel like talking about it now I guess�just that life blows and I�want something. I don't know what, but something.

So until next time, I suppose, I'm out. Peace, yo'.
Panno-chan


1:05 AM

Hello.

That's all I really have to say, I guess. I'm upset. Two reasons. One, I can't mention, and the other disgusts me to think about. So, all I have to say is, hello.

Until next time,
Panno-chan

29 June 2002 3:33 PM

XD I'm an evil, evil person. But I only did it with the best intentions in mind. I really don't know what's gonna happen, but�hey, we'll see, right? Life's a big game of chance, anyway.

Yes, Kel-chan, I remember the site! Hehe, I was, in fact, NOT drunk beyond reason�

I slept soo late today, though. Shame on me. And in about an hour, I'm gonna have to go to my dad's. *mope* I really didn't wanna go. But, hell. Who cares what I want? ^_^ If you answered "nobody", you are correct! Ding ding. First prize.

Ookay. Blah. I'm going to�go update some other things now! ^_^; It's really not good to have all these journals, you know�maybe I'll narrow it down to just this one�cos I like it. n.n;

Byes! ^^
Panno-chan


1:25 AM

Welcome to Day Two of my precious little journal, here. I figure I can update it as much as I want. Ne, Kel-chan? ^_^

I'm very angry, right now. I'm yelling at Chris again. I always do that. Always. I'm so tired of it. But you know what, it was his own fault. He brought up a conversation, and fell asleep in the middle of it. I don't take kindly to that. It's rude. It's like falling asleep during an actual conversation. I dislike it.

Therefore, I will yell at you if you fall asleep while talking to me. Plain and simple.

I'm tired�I think I just want to cry, and sleep�although I hate crying. I really hate it. I wish I could get through one day without wanting to cry. I never used to cry. I always used to be happy. And now, what. I cry all the time.

Who cares. I don't know. I guess I'm just tired. I'll be going to sleep now, I suppose. G'night.

Hearts,
Panno-chan

28 June 2002
10:47 PM

I don't know what to do. I really don't. If I'd have written in here at any other time, I'd know what I was doing, but obviously I don't. I'm lost. I don't know what to DO!

Say you had a friend, and this was a very good friend, but she was very unhappy, and she wanted to kill herself, and you were REALLY worried about her, but you promised her you wouldn't tell anybody about it. What do you do? That's my problem. I don't know what to do. I don't want to betray her and not tell anybody, but I really, really don't want her to die. I'll do anything to keep her alive. I love her way too much to let her die.

I don't know what to do. Something's telling me I should tell somebody about this, if it doesn't get any better before she leaves here.

Here.

Here is such a hellish place. Things like this happen way too much. I don't like it, I don't like to see people hurting, and I don't like to be hurting myself. I love everyone and everything, and I have no idea how to help them, and I hate that. I don't know. I can't handle everything, and the worst part is that it hits all at once.

I was in a good mood earlier today. See what here does to that?

I don't know. I should go do something sane. Anything to distract myself, at least a little bit, from this. Although, nothing can really distract me, at this point. I'm stressing. What can I say?

Until next time,
Panno-chan