...Quotes Index
Conan O'Brien: My impressions are weird and useless.
Conan O'Brien: The nightmare is that you spend the rest of your life being funny at parties, then people ask you "why didn't you do that on television?"
Conan O'Brien: If the C-man's not happy, show don't go down!
Conan O'Brien: 'I'm sensitive in the eyeball'. Does that line work with the ladies?
Conan O'Brien: Some audience members waiting in line to get into the building were smoking joints. Yeah, they said "we want Conan to be funny whether he's funny or not".
Conan O'Brien: I have to be in perfect physical condition for this job... I don't know why they laugh at that, it always makes me sad... single tear...
Conan O'Brien: I have this innocent look, the show should look innocent. The show should have all the trappings of a Tonight Show from 1965 and we're going to have an orchestra that plays big band, and Max has this very traditional band leader look, and I'll wear a tie and suit, we'll have a desk and we'll have a microphone and we'll talk to people. But then we'll have a masterbating bear.
Conan O'Brien: Every time I walk in the NBC lobby, I see that huge picture they took of me before the show first aired. I see a stupid 29-year-old kid, and I think to myself: "Wow, you have no idea what you're in for."
Conan O'Brien: Welcome to the show, we got a big one tonight and when I ran out my underwear rode up and I'm on TV now and I don't know what to do. We should have someone at the show whose job is to take care of that.
Conan O'Brien: Jay says, 'stay tuned for Conan', and then Conan comes crashing through your TV set like a freight train bringing the funny!
Conan O'Brien: You see, you're in for a lifetime of "and you went to Harvard?" Accidentally give the wrong amount of change in a transaction and it's "and you went to Harvard?" Ask the guy at the hardware store how these jumper cables work and hear, "and you went to Harvard?" Forget just once that your underwear goes inside your pants and it's "and you went to Harvard?" Get your head stuck in your niece's dollhouse because you wanted to see what it was like to be a giant and it's "Uncle Conan, you went to Harvard?!"
Conan O'Brien: Most people think we tape this show at 12:30. At 12:30 I'm at home watching porno.
Conan O'Brien: [on leapard print G-strings] That's what I wear. I enjoy them. I'm wearing one now.
Conan O'Brien: Oh no, this is television! It goes everywhere!
James Lipton: You're harder on me than Will Ferrel.
Conan O'Brien: I'm the ultimate ass, yes.
Conan O'Brien: I'm an ass. That's what I do.
Conan O'Brien: I just got the signal to "move it along." They thought what I was talking about was a waste of everyone's time. That's the support I get around here.
Conan O'Brien: I'm a late night cat!
Conan O'Brien: [whispering] Someone start my car. Keep the engine running. This audience is getting mad.
Conan O'Brien: [to The Rock] Did you just call me "Conesie"?
Max Weinberg: Conan, I just wet my pants.
Conan O'Brien: Are you kidding?
Max Weinberg: [shakes head]
Max Weinberg: Conan, what's your position on gay marriage?
Conan O'Brien: Well Max, I don't really know.
Max Weinberg: What do you mean?
Conan O'Brien: I'm not sure, I have to think about it.
Max Weinberg: You don't deserve me, you bastard.
The Rock: Can you show me what the bear was just doing?
Conan O'Brien: [pauses] I wasn't really paying attension. Maybe you could show me.
Larry King: You wanna know why you don't have a prime time show? Because you're too self-involved.
Conan O'Brien: Well, now you're done.