Conan O'Brien: Now as a mentioned in the monologue, or as I like to call it - quiet time...
Conan O'Brien: You catch your child swearing. Do you wash his mouth out with soap? Or do you sit him down and explain that he'd better not fucking do it again?
Conan O'Brien: Early, crap. Late, Good. That's our motto here at Late Night.
Pimpbot 5000: All the bitches think I'm pretty, bought my face at Circuit City.
Conan O'Brien: No, no, we're the good crap now!
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: I kid, Conan, I kid. You got a good show... for me to poop on.
Conan O'Brien: When will the government get off our backs, we're truckers, dammit. [quietly] I wanna live.
Conan O'Brien: I was just almost murdered...
Conan O'Brien: [repeated line] Keep it cool my babies!
Conan O'Brien: All this horseback riding has made me hungry, but not for food! To the barn!
Conan O'Brien: I'm the master of the ZING ZANG ZOOM!
Conan O'Brien: [about lizard] He tried to bite me!
Animal Expert: I forgot to mention... he bites.
Conan O'Brien: You're an ass.
Conan O'Brien: My producer says no, but I'm doing it anyway because it's "Late Night With..." who?
Jeff Goldblum: I just noticed from your waist there... you're speckled all over.
Conan O'Brien: Almost, Jeff Goldblum. Almost.
Conan O'Brien: [to Omarosa Stallworth about Jeff Goldblum] Don't touch him! He's my man!
Conan O'Brien: Ok, Max. You play one of those songs while I go over here and adjust my underwear.
Conan O'Brien: [about what turns him off] Any tomatoe based vodka drink... like, you know, when they make... V8. I don't like that. I don't like tomatoe and spices... ugh. No. I don't like that.
Conan O'Brien: I've never seen anyone lean back and say "mmm, good beet!"
Conan O'Brien: Don't applaud that! Applaud my idiocy.
Conan O'Brien: [with a French translator whose words appear in English subtitles] People of Quebec, I'm sorry.
Translator: People of Quebec, I'm an albino jackass.
Conan O'Brien: We meant no harm with our comedy piece the other night.
Translator: The other night, I wet my bed like a little girl.
Conan O'Brien: I was a stranger in a strange land and I was very insensitive.
Translator: I have a small penis.
Conan O'Brien: Quebec, your lively and rich culture is a treasure to Canada, and your unique heritage deserves only praise, not ridicule.
Translator: I have never known the touch of a woman and I never will.
Conan O'Brien: Again, please accept my heartfelt appologies.
Translator: Did I mention I have a small penis?
Conan O'Brien: Ok, thank you. What does "peness" mean, anyway? I'll find out later.
Ruban Studdard: [about Conan's singing] Where did that come from?
Conan O'Brien: The correct answer to that is not "where did that come from?"...!
Conan O'Brien: When all else fails, there's always delusion.
Conan O'Brien: If you were to going to fill Lake Ontario with chicken broth, how much chicken broth would you need? ... That's a trick question. Why would anyone do that? You're doing very well here, sir.
Conan O'Brien: What's this, sir?
Man: A little snow and ice.
Conan O'Brien: A little snow and ice? Do you think Canada needs MORE snow and ice? I don't think so!
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