| kids don't like to share #8 |
| final steps. as a long road traveled to the very last mile. we can finally look past in the eye and laugh as we conquer the final steps upon life. we saw we didn't need the worries and bothers of them. we only needed time. minutes, hours, days have gone by and with success coming up more sudden than failure. i call us a meaning for hope. a reason to step out of the unconfirmed shadows of our guilty conscience. the same one that tried to pull the plug on out reasoning power of hope. what should i do tonight?. should i give up, should i lose myself. should i drink away my problems like everyone else does. should i forget you even existed. should i never speak your name again. should i take a razorblade to my wrist and bleed out all the pain. stick a needle in my vien. try a little herion or sniff a line of cocaine. take a lot of drugs until my problems fade away. maybe i'll better even if it's for a second. should i go to sleep and dream of a better life for me. to only wake up to more pain. should i stay up all night and watch television until the blur becomes interesting. should i drink muself to sleep. like i do everynight already. drink until the alcohol drowns the pain away. should i losen up. should i tighten up the rope until i cry out all the pain. until my face turns blue, making me lose sight of you. should i take some pills and overdose the very thought of you. should i put a gun to my head and blow away the memory i have of you. any physical pain to take away the emotional pain i have from thinking way too much of you. any pain i can inflict on myself will eventually go away. but the pain in my brain i get from you will never go away. it will always stay. should i stop caring for you. i would love to stop caring for you, but i can't get you out of my i mind. can i wake up tomorrow and feel better about myself, about you, about everything in my life. but it is so hard when tomorrow feels so far away. when i am struggling to make it through tonight. could you please tell me what to do before i make a choice i can never take back. what should i do tonight? not thinking a lot. marking this down, it makes me think what i am thinking right now. what i am thinking is finding it's way out of this pen onto this paper. this makes me think i am not thinking a lot right now. home doesn't feel like home. home to me has always been a place where i can feel safe. a place where i can just let everything go. in a house or in my head. no one to judge me. no one to tell me what to do. but where do you go when home doesn't feel like home anymore. the day i died. my heart stopped as i grasped onto my very last breath. clinching onto my chest as i fell to the ground. looking into your eyes as i was spitting up blood. choking on that very same blood as i began to shake. my eyes begin to tear up as the blood started to drain from my body. the lights go dim as i start to lose my hearing. people look like they're screaming all around me as everything begins to move in slow motion. the only thing i feel is the knife that is still lodged in my chest. as i feel the cold blade warming up from my blood as i feel it slicing up my insides as you try to pull the knife out of me.hurting me everytime you put your hands on that knife. trying to help as you're killing me slowly. i feel my life fading away as my life flashed before my eyes. it seemed i should have died a long time ago. when all the pain fades away as the fear comes to pass. with everything shutting down in my body as my body begins to turn cold. with my last breath in my short lived life thats coming to an end. as i look up into the heavens above to realize there is no one looking back down. as this was the day i died. |
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