| kids don't like to share #8 |
cigarette burn. and on the first day we met. you burned with your cigarette. and when i turned around, i knew that i was in love. you said "i'm sorry", and you walked away. but the scar on my arm still remains. as the pain has gone away. the memory of you will always stay. and even though sometimes i just don't know what to do. i can always look at my scar and think of you. four walls. circle around me a few more times before i even notice you there. seventeen steps around what we call a boundry o f solitude. step into my world. the only place i can call my own. a place where i belong. endless days surrounded by what i call home. trapped in a box. four walls keep me safe. my life. my life is what i make it and so far my life is filled with nothing. about ten percent filled and ninety percent more to go. i want so much, but i get nothing. i blame no one but myself. i want to move off this island. i will one of these days. i don't know when or where to, but i will. i always wanted to. i want to move with a friend or someone i know. a girlfriend if i had one. i did before but i blew my chance on that one, i want to be alone without being alone, if you can understand that. i want to be able to do stuff without being afraid to fail. i want to talk more. all i do is listen. listening is great, but i can't just listen all the time. i talk sure, but not enough. i'm the guy who is usually sitting alone staring at the ground all the time. i want to brake this cycle. thats the reason and maybe the only reason why i do this zine. this zine is my way to tell the world how i feel. this zine is my voice simple and clear. this zine tells the girl i like how i feel about her. it's my deep down darkest secrets i would never tell anyone. without this zine i would have more than likely killed myself a long time ago. not literally, but without this zine iwould feel dead inside. a voice trapped inside with no one to listen to it. a girl called anonymous sent me a letter telling me she read one of my stories and after a bad day this story made her smile. that one reason alone makes me think that with everything i give up on in my life. it makes me glad that i haven't and will not quit doing this zine ever. outside in the rain. and as it may seem to difer from what i said only days ago, take me for who i am. and as i screw up my life. don't ever think i'll try to screw up yous. it may be confusing right now, everything will work out in the end. and as we are standing outside in the rain, only good things can come out of this. not knowing. lost in a way that i was never lost before. lost in a world where i don't know where to go or which way to turn. not knowing if it's the wrong way or right way. not knowing if there is a way back from where i'm from. not knowing if i finally reach this place i would want to come back or would i want to stay there until i get lost again. want department. did you ever wake up and realize everything you have isn't really going to matter in years to come. everything you hold so dear will mean nothing as something else more important moves ahead in your want department. in my life i had somethings like this happen to me. as it will also happen to you. 17 days. the last seventeen days has gone by way to fast. a thousand minutes and a couple hundred hours will soon be just as sudden as the days that passed. at night i can still hear the laugh we shared that day at nine. your smile i see in my dreams, and it comes to me that maybe one day we will turn out fine. mistakes. i've tried to learn from my mistakes. looking all over the place for a little bit of faith. from the back of my mind to a light bouncing off the bathroom mirror. no questions answered. nothing came in clear. still looking for the answers i want answered. a world built for you. my mind wonders off on it's own. like it did so many times before. i try to catch up to it but it's already gone. what should i do tonight. should i stay in or should i go out. what will i do when i finally realize i am living in a world that was bulit for you. |
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