| kids don't like to share #8 |
| victory through self destruction. i'm back up against the wall again. looking at my feet once more. a lonely place i've been way too many times before. a place i never want to go again. you kept on pushing. with my back making a dent in the plastered walls. you push me as hard as you could. but you're still pushing me. every push, every shove. everything you did. you still kept pushing. and i am getting sick of being the one who's getting pushed. so i push. you push me even harder. but i pushed back. so you pushed me with all your might. as the back of my head started to bleed. when you pushed me. my head hit the wall with such a force the back of my shirt is covered in blood. push after push. shove after shove. i kept on pushing back. and i will keep on pushing anybody who is going to push me. i hit my head against the wall today. it makes me smile. it makes me happy to know i wont be that guy against the wall with my head held down. my head is bleeding, but i feel no pain. only the victory i have to have finally had the guts to push back. i never smile anymore. late last night i heard you screaming. from the top of your lungs, shouting out you're hurting. trying to cover my ears, because i thought you were joking. you've done it before, how was i to know that this time it's for real. i didn't know what to feel. my heart sank deep into a pain i haven't felt before. trying to make the wrongs right again. i've waited too long to help you out. and now all i have are doubts. knowing i wasn't there for you.. i know i can't change what happened to you that night. i cry sometimes for no reason at all. maybe hearing dead end road and listening to the message it told. i feel like i failed. like i just bailed on you. when you really needed someone to just listen to you. i walk in the rain trying to hide the pain. as lightning bolts flashed across the sky. the rain in my face makes no one aware that i'd cried. tears running down mixed with rain already on my face. will never replace the place where you felt like home. i never knew you were so alone. a nameless face in the crowd of the unaware. nights go by i wish i could go back in time so i could be there. there for you now crying is all i do. i know only one way i could stop crying. give up on trying. make the same mistake you made. but i'm not brave like you. i'm still afraid of what will happen in the end. because the only person who would listen is now dead. that only person was you. a question to the only friend i know. what will happen when i just let everything go. lost and found. leave me behind, it's better this way. i'm trailing in time. thats all i can say. it's better for you. it's better for me. you did all you could do. just let me be. i'm holding you back. i'm dragging you down. this is something i lack. leave me where i was found. answers. i thought i had an answer for everything, but then you tell me a question that i never heard before. as smart and clever as i thought i was. i guess i didn't know everything. the day arrived and so did you. i finally saw you today. for the first time in three and a half months. looking as good as usual. with a red shirt and jeans, converse chuck taylors and that cool studded belt that i also have. smoking your cigarettes. wishing for the day i saw you again. and thus wednesday was that day. the day the poison returned into my life. like a junkie wanting more. you had me hooked from the first day i saw you. you've been on my mind and it's very strange. this feeling i have for you. for every girl i liked in my life. from my first crush, tomy first girlfriend. to highschool romances that was never meant to be. to every girl i dreamed about. i always wrote one story about them. just one story. this is already my fourth story i am writing about you. isn't that wierd. and i think, no i know this wont be the last. this says a lot about you. i remembered looking at you. hoping you would notice me. i saw you look in my direction. but did you notice me. please tell me you did. because i sure as hell noticed you. i dream about you sometimes. do you dream about me. i think about you all the time. do you think about me all the time. i want you in my life. i want you to want me in your life. i want you to wake up in my arms. i want you to want me to wake up in your arms as well. questions i only want you to answer. i want to see you again. even more than a glance over my shoulder. a look in your direction before i lose my nerve and look away. i want to talk to you. i want to ask you out. but will i ever. will you say yes. will you say no. will you even know who i am or will i be to scared and look away as i've done so many times before. today. today was your thanksgiving, today was my day of suffering. for you, today was your day. for me, today was tuesday. |
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