kdlts8-2

kids don't like to share #8

the moment of impact.
i suffered through this before. your smile is all i do this for. all the times you fell asleep in my hands. the sight of you made me understand. but all the promises we ever had you tried to bury. i tried to dig up the failed failing failures but there is too much to carry. i fell over with my head down in guilty grief. but to my surprise theres something out there than your belief. your belief that had me believing this is my lost. you belief that had me believing this was my fault. believing i would never find out what you kept hidden inside. my hope broken and now i can never replace the lie. the lie you told in truth and secret. the lie you told and i can never forget. understanding standards that kept disappearing at night. and i now finally found it on the ground at the first glimpe s of light. i can't even shelter the comfort of holding your hand as i did just months before. and the night i fell asleep in front of you was probably explaining what i had in store. when i woke up to the television still on and you gone from the room. only to find you asleep in the bedroom. and as i watched you sleep until you woke up at noon. it made me think about it all. the walks in the hall, stall after stall. and why we would eventually start to fall. it made me question all the questionable questions. everyone you answered with a question of rejection. it made me more distant from you with every conversation about us two. when emotion was brought up you would change the subject from us to you. and it is now only six minutes away until that very same day only two months ago. when i first started to feel alive and realize what i now know. now knowing what to feel. now knowing what is real. now knowing what i never knew before. now knowing in my heart that your smile just doesn't cut it anymore.

doesn't anybody sleep anymore?.
it's 3:14am in the morning and i can't fall asleep. it's a friday night/saturday morning. i'm trying to fall asleep, but i can't. as flashes of picture after picture of my katie holmes screensaver keeps on distracting me. making me forget to think of what to write about. as i lose focus once again. i have to read what i just wrote to think of what to write. i was trying to fall asleep from 1:00am until now. yet nothing happened. so to kill sometime i watched disturbing behavior on usa. it started at 1:00am. as i thought to myself at least this would kill sometime. it also has katie holmes in it. with her fake pierced nose and her fake tattoo, looking as beautiful as ever. i don't know why, but when i watch a movie i tend to look at the movie noticing all the small details no one else would even consider noticing. things like katie holmes characters strung out poster in her bedroom or her nofx sticker on the back window of the pick up truck she was driving. you know things like that. i just did it again. losing my focus and i have to read everything i wrote down again. as i keep on getting distracted with my katie holmes screensaver. it just turned 3:34am on my alarm clock as i hear car after car pass by. there goes another car. doesn't anybody sleep anymore? i know i can't as i am still writing. thinking about nothing but i still can't sleep. for me, late at night is the best time for me to write. right before i fall asleep. because when i am laying on my bed or what people call a couch. that is when i think about everything in my life. everything that happened today, yesterday, the day before, and so on. i even think about what i want to happen tomorrowand the not so distant future. even though i never dream of the future. i always found that wierd. why i never dream about the future. is that strange or ami just being paranoid. i always think about what will happen if i did different things in my life. maybe i wouldn't be so alone. maybe i wouldn't be so scared. maybe i wouldn't be such a loser. there i go again thinking down on myself. i felt like i've been down this road more than a few times. it's 3:47am and my eye lids are getting heavier by the second. and my hand is getting more numb as i keep writing away. i am starting to feel more tired by every word i am writing. maybe i should go to sleep. so i will finish this some other time.because i know as i ramble on and on about nothing in paticular. this will happen again. different night, same situation. as i try to fall asleep, thinking about what i just wrote and what i am going to write later. it is 3:55 in the morning as i finally say goodnight.

a dream to realize.
waking up from a dream to realize i was already awake. makes no sense to me. makes no sense to anybody. tried so hard to believe. forgot what i wanted to believe in.