| JOKES!! |
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| Depending on what you like, you might think that these are great, or you might think that they're the worst jokes and stories you've ever heard, but whatever, here they are... |
| Joke of the whenever I can be bothered to update it... |
| More jokes |
| A couple of hunters were out in the woods when suddenly one of them fell to the floor. He didn't seem to be breathing and his eyes were rolled back in his head. The other guy whipped out his mobile and dialed 999. 'My friend is dead! What can I do?'cried the guy in a panic. The operater, in a smooth, calming voice said, 'Just take it easy. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There was a silence, then a shot was heard. The guy came back on the line. 'OK, now what?' he said. JUST FOR THE RECORD- THIS WAS ON MY SITE BEFORE IT WAS VOTED BEST JOKE IN BRITAIN. |
| Little things to think about... |
| Why is it that when we vacuum the house, we run over a piece of thread or something about ten times, pick it up, inspect it, then put it back on the floor and try to vacuum it up again? |
| Have you ever noticed that there's nothing in the world makes more noise than a young kid trying really hard not to wake you up in the morning? |
| Some things you NEVER want to hear on an aeroplane's P.A system: |
| When crossing the sea- 'This is your captain speaking. I just wanted to take the time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.' |
| 'Hey floks, we're gonna play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and recieve an extra bag of peanuts.' |
| 'Don't worry folks, our loss of altitude allows a unique close-up of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airline's new commitment to make your flight a sight-seeing extravaganza.' |
| Sorry people, but there's no room on this page, so click HERE for blonde jokes!!!!!!!! |
| A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I'm an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I'm a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well, then we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I'm also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar." "Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm drunk." |
| Some people say that drinking loads of alcohol is bad for you, but, think about it logically... A group of deer can only move as fast as the slowest deer, and when the group is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back who are killed first. This natural selection is good for the group as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving with the regular killing of its weakest members. In the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest cells. Drinking too much alcohol kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular intake of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter.........after a few beers... |
| NEW!! Click HERE for proof that the human race IS the stupidest on Earth! |
| Ode to Alcohol Starkle, starkle, little twink, Who the hell you are I think, I'm not under what they call The alfluence of incohol. I'm not drunk as thinkle peep, I'm just a little slort of sheep. Tee martoonis make a guy, Fool so feelish, don't know why Rally don't know who's me yet The drunker I stay, the longer I get So just one more to full my cup, I've all day sober to Sunday up. |
| Please remember that none of these jokes, or anything else on this site is here to cause offence. It's just for a laugh, and really, you lose your sense of humour, there's not much left, is there... |
| Mind games dogs play with humans- Part II 6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by. 7. Make your own rules. Don't always bring the stick back when playing fetch with your humans. Make them go chase it once in a while. 8. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think that something terrible has happened to you. Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears. 9. When your human calls you back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door. 10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make your humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts! |