19^th May 2002

When hunger and anger fills you, which do you attend to first? Newborn playing in the
background fuels my anger like coal to a fire.

She tells me once again it was my fault they pulled me out of uni and that I’m the one who fucked up not studying well enough. Just how much more of this do I have to endure? Fear for my own life builds as I cling on to the edge again.

Why is it every time I struggle to pull her off the edge someone finds such pleasure in pushing her off?  How much more can she take before she hits true mental instability? As I hold on to her with all my life, I feel her becoming weak, fearful and possibly the worse of it all – a creeping sense of defeat. As I stand on the edge holding on to her we strectch our arms out asking for help. Silence is the answer we get as the onlookers are without arms and unable to pull us out. And those with arms are selfish with help.

Please hold on as I am nothing without you and you are fallen without me.

Muse provides melancholy in the backdrop as I type furiously. Wallowing here is not helping soothe my mind. But I want to feel it all now – the profound anger, the melancholy and the violence. The sun shines bright as ever outside as I continue to murder myself in here. The world is waiting while I sit here. Correction, the world CONTINUES moving at a speed beyond my reach and I isolate myself in here. Work needs to be done. Is this the part where I eject myself from this seat of anger to turn anger into creative energy? Not just yet.

Does it ever occur to them love is lethal when it becomes tainted with selfishness? How is it that we’re always thought holding onto love too tightly will just drive it away while they allow themselves to do the same? Only that it’s the absolute right them for them to do so because parenthood gives you the authority to do so? But do they ever wonder if they have the immunity to the results of it? If they knew they wouldn’t.

It seems ridiculously incomprehensible as one minute, they tell you how you are unable to handle stress and how you have no will to fight for yourself to improve yourself. And on to see that the minute after, they tell you how you SHOULD remain a simpleton with a simple career and live on scraps of fringe benefits.

If anything I will ever wish for my children next time is that when they come to greet this world, I will be there with unselfish love for them. And in hope that I will remember how selfish love will only kill them and me in the end. Is it possible to be an unselfish parent? Well then please don’t let me be one until I learn to love unselfishly.

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