Also see SMS jokes
Plane Crash
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger, said, I'm Kobe Bryant, The best NBA Basketball player, the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first pack and left the plane.
The second passenger, Hillary, said, "I am the wife of the former President of the United States, I am the most ambitious woman in the world, I am also a New York Senator and a potential future President." She just took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, George W Bush, said, "I'm President of the United States, I have a great responsibility being the leader of a superpower state. Above all I'm the cleverest President in American history, the American people won't let me die". So he put on the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.
The fourth passenger, Osama Bin Laden, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year old school boy, "I am a Muslim and Allah will decide about my fate, so I will let you have the last parachute. The boy said, "It's OK, there's a parachute left for you. The Americans' cleverest President has taken my school backpack.
Saddam Hussien
Where does Saddam Hussein keeps his Music Albums?????
....... ....... In-a-rack (Iraq)
Blound at the cinemas
A fellow took his girlfriend to the movies. During the pre- views, she asked him if he would go and buy her some M & Ms. When he returned with her candy, she opened the bag, picked out all the brown ones and threw them away. "What did you do that for?" he asked her. "I'm allergic to chocolate!" she replied.
NASA
Did You Know what the Word NASA Means?? Need Another Seven Astronouts (shuttle Clombia)
You've Got Mail
A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again. She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her commented: "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box." The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail."
Three blonds on death row
Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape. The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ." The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
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Three men:
Three men: One American, one Japanese and Banta Singh were sitting naked in the sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his arm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear and spoke briefly into it. When he finished he explained, "That was mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand." Banta Singh felt decidedly low-tech. So as not to be outdone, he decided he had
to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the toilet. He returned with a piece of toilet
paper hanging from his backside. The others raised their eyebrows...! "Will you look at that," said Banta Singh. "I'm getting a fax!"What If Titanic sank Today? Reaction from different countries:
U.S.A:
"A ship coming to Freedom was attacked by terrorists. We will not sit quiet and we will teach them a lesson. Bin Laden you can run but you cannot hide we will find you and destroy your Al-Qaeda network." (President Bush........whoelse?)U.K:
"I have spoken to the President of United States and we have both agreed that the sinking of Titanic is significant prove that Saddam Hussein is clearly behind this attack, Iraq is imposing a threat to the world and this has to be dealt with." (Prime Minister Blair)Iraq:
"LOL!!!" (President Saddam Hussain)Israel:
"These Hamas and other terrorist network is enough evidence to say that sinking of Titanic is not an accident but it was their suicide bombers who have commited such a crime.We will now impose curfew on the Palestinians, detain them, exile them, kill them, starve them, destroy their homes and refugee camps." (Ariel Sharon....bastard)Canada:
"Titanic who????" (Canadian Prime Minister)India:
"Is mein Pakistan ka haath hai. We have received passports of Pakistani extremists from the Titanic debris. Pakistanis will have to pay for such horrendous act of terrorism. We are now deploying more soldiers to the border." (Prime Minister Vajpayee)Pakistan:
"Can we get over with the elections first..please?" (President Musharraf)UN:
"Shit happens right??" (Sec.Gen. Kofi Annan)Survivors:
"Uhh. Helllooo. Is anyone listening... it was an iceberg..hellloooooo."Camel and a elephant
Once an elephant ask a camel "why are your tits on your back?" the camel replied "what kind of question is that from some one who's dick is hanging off his face!"
Working together
What did one butt cheek said to another butt cheek "Together we can stop this SHIT"
Making Sandwhich
A guy is nearing the end of his year in senior high school. Unfortunatly he still has to share a room with his brother who is only 9 yrs old. One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep in the lower bunk, so he n his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk. As you expect things start to heat up the guy remembers that his brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position. Lettuce!!!! Tomato!!!! Lettuce!!!! Tomato!!!! Tomato!!!! she screams. Lettuce!!!! Tomato!!!! PULL IT OUT!!! PULL IT OUT NOW!!! i can't get pregnant! then the little brother shouts up "hey would you two stop making sandwitches up there i am getting mayonnaise all over my face *!*!*!*!
American Hero
A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull. He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl" The man says: "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning: Brave American saves life of little girl." "But I am not an American!" says the man. "Oh, what are you then?" The man says: "I am Pakistani!" The next day the newspapers say: "Islamic extremist kills American dog. Connections to terrorist networks are being explored."
A Indian and a Paki's conversation
A Pakistani is having breakfast one morning; coffee,croissants, bread, butter & jam when an Indian man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Pakistani ignores the Indian who, nevertheless, starts a Conversation: Indian: "You Pakistani folks eat the whole bread??" Pakistani: (in a bad mood): "Of course." Indian: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In India, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Pakistan." The Indian has a smirk on his face. The Pakistani listens in silence. The Indian Persists "Do you eat jam with the bread??" Pakistani: "Of Course." Indian: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In India we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to Pakistan". The Pakistani then asks: "Do you have sex in India?" Indian : "Why of course we do", the Indian says with a big smirk. Pakistani: And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" Indian: "We throw them away, of course." Pakistani : "We don't. In Pakistan, we put them in a container, Recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to India.!!!!!!!!!!!!
OLD BARBER IN LONDON
THERE IS THIS GOOD OLD BARBER IN LONDON. one day a florist goes to him for a haircut. after the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies:"i am sorry. i cannot accept money from you. i am doing the community service." the florist is happy and leaves the shop. next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a "thank you" card and a dozen roses waiting at his door. policeman goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. but the barber replies: "i am sorry. i cannot accept money from you. i am doing the community service. the cop is happy and leaves the shop. the next morning the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door. a pakistani software engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. but the barber replies: "i am sorry. i cannot accept money from you. i am doing the community service. " the pakistani software engineer is happy and leaves. the next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A DOZEN PAKISTANIS WAITING FOR A HAIRCUT...
Blondies mom
So this guy is walking out of a bank and sees a blonde sitting on the steps crying very hard. He goes and sits next to her he asks "What's wrong?" The blonde says in between sobs, "Oh, i just found out my mother died." The man says "Oh i'm sorry well you know she's in a better place..." Then the blonde's cell phone rings and she picks it up. "Hello? Oh that's horrible! i can't believe it!" The man asks, "What happened?" "That was my sister. Her mom just died, too!"