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Answering Machine Messages
Hi! Jill's answering machine is broken. This is her refrigerator. Please speak very slowly and I'll stick your message to myself with a magnet.Hi! If you are a burglar, we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.
Hello! You've reached Jim and Cathy. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Cathy likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right, real slowly. So leave a message and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape!
This is you-know-who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.
Acronyms
IBM I Blame MicrosoftIBM I Bought Macintosh
ISDN It Still Does Nothing
MICROSOFT Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash, If Not The Operating System Hangs
I'm pink, therefore I'm SPAM.
Veni, Vidi, VD. I came, I saw, I cankered.
Dyslexics are teople poo.
This bumper sticker intentionally left blank.
Resistance is futile (if < 1 ohm).
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
Rock is dead. Long live paper and scissors.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
On the journey of life, I choose the psycho path.
I am not infantile, you stinky poopyhead.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
IRS: Be Audit You Can Be
Life would be easier if I had the source code.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.
Squirrels: Nature's little speed bumps.
Helpdesk: "What kind of computer do you have?" "A white one."
No more floppy disks from home, Systems Administrator tells user whose PC keeps getting re-infected with viruses. A week goes by with no problems - then user's machine is infected again. Yes, she used a disk from home, user admits. "But I let the diskette sit on my desk for a whole week. Who knew that the virus could live that long?"
Helpdesk: "Click on the 'My Computer' icon on to the left of the screen." Customer: "Your left or my left?"
Helpdesk: "Good day. How may I help you?" Male customer: "Hello, I can't print." Helpdesk: "Would you click on start for me." Customer: "Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, you know!"
True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support ?" Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, at a trade show?" Caller: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God, and I didn't.
Chickens: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
Chinese Proverbs
Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants.War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Modern house without toilet uncanny.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion.
| The King killed my canary today.
Now, I know full well that the customary way to begin such a tale as mine is: "Once upon a time, when wishes still became true, there lived a poor orphan Goose Girl," or some such fiddle-faddle. But what do I care for custom? 'Tis my own story I am telling and I will tell it as I please. And as I find myself plunged into it right up to the neck, I see no reason why you should not be also. I resume. The King killed my canary today. |
