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I Love You Not by Bruce Lansky I love you I love you, I love you so well, if I had a skunk I would give you a smell. If I were a dog I would give you a bite. If I were a witch I would give you a fright. If I were a bathtub I'd give you a splash. If I were a fungus I'd give you a rash. I love you so much that I won't tell a lie, I promise we'll marry the day that I die. Nicknames by Kenn Nesbitt My aunt calls me "Elizabeth." My grandma calls me "Liz." My sister calls me "Lisa," and the baby calls me "Wiz." My uncle calls me "Betty," while my grandpa calls me "Beth." My brother calls me "Dizzy Liz" or sometimes "Lizard Breath." My teacher calls me "Betsy," and my friends all call me "Bess." I find these nicknames more annoying than you'd ever guess. I wish that they would call me by my real name instead. I simply hate those nicknames; see, my real name is Fred. Birthday Advice by Bruce Lansky Today on your birthday I think you should know you're getting too old now to suck on your toe. And when you get hungry I hope you won't spread the jam that you find 'tween your toes on your bread. Do not shine your shoes with the wax from your ear. Don't shampoo your hair with your dad's favorite beer. Do not chase your nose when it's running--that's dumb. When you go to church, do not dress like a bum. It's time you grew up and stopped acting so bad. It's time that you stopped acting just like your dad. |
Old Mother Hubbard by Bruce Lansky Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone. But the dog couldn't wait, so when dinner was late, he ordered a pizza by phone. Oops! by Bruce Lansky Three coffee cups my mother loved lie shattered on the floor. Three ripe tomatoes splattered when they hit the kitchen door. Three jumbo eggs are scrambled. But they're not on a plate. Three loaves of bread are crumbled. I'll use the crumbs for bait. Three Barbie dolls have lost their heads. Three pepper mills are smashed. Three goldfish died while doing flips. Three model airplanes crashed. Three lettuce heads unraveled. Three onions came unpeeled. My parents didn't know who did it till my sister squealed. My parents are befuddled. They think that I've gone nuts. But there's a simpler explanation: I'm a juggling klutz. As I Was Walking by Bruce Lansky As I was walking out one day, my head fell off and rolled away. I really do not miss my head. It doesn't bother me. I'm dead. Daddy Forgets My Name by Bruce Lansky My daddy calls me sweetie pie. He calls me honey bunny. He also calls me poopsie, which I think is kind of funny. My daddy calls me sugarplum, and also sleepyhead. My silly daddy forgets my name when he tucks me into bed. Star Light, Star Bright by Bruce Lansky Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight, I'm going to try with all my might, to keep my jammies dry all night. Happy Birthday to Me by Mike Artell Happy birthday to me. I like what I see! There's plenty of junk food, and the presents are free! |
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