| Mail Three: Justin�s Letter //Dear Brit, How are you, Pinky? I haven�t called you in a long time, I know. I�m so sorry. There just hasn�t been TIME. I�ll call you at the soonest chance I get, I promise, but right now, I�m doing the next best thing and writing you a letter. There�s so much I need to get off my chest. And you know talking to you always helps me. So� it�s about JC. And Lance. Two of my best pals. One from way back, like the older brother I never had and one my closest friend. What do I do? I should take JC�s side, really, because Lance is being stupid and letting his male ego get in the way. But� Lance isn�t exactly the one to blame. Yes, he�s crazy for letting his mom run his life this way, but it�s HIS life. Who are we to say if he�s right or not? But then again. JC didn�t ask for this. God knows how many times he risked his everything to keep this relationship going strong. He�s given so much of himself to Lance that it�s only fair he should get the same kind of love back. I know he would give up his family if it meant staying with Lance. Because Lance is everything to him. He would be the best husband, best friend, best everything to Lance. I just don�t understand how Lance can NOT see that. Luckily, Karen and Roy are so understanding through all this so that helps JC a lot. But it doesn�t change anything. Because JC needs Lance like he needs to breathe. It�s crazy that they can stay apart this long. They shouldn�t be able to. There should be a law against couples who are totally in love from being apart for more than two weeks. It�s been four MONTHS. I�ve counted. Everyday JC just seems to get more distant. And Lance seems to get more wrapped up in work. And I get more torn in between. It�s not like they�re MAKING me choose one of them. They would NEVER do that. But it�s awkward, sometimes. Because Joey and Chris are so fiercely protective over C now that I think Lance needs a supporter but I can�t help feeling that I�m betraying Jace if I do this. See? I have no clue what I�m supposed to do. Yes, seeing JC cry was the scariest experience of my life, because it proved that the strongest man I�ve ever known CAN crumble and that makes life seem so much more THERE, so much more real. You understand, don�t you? But Lance IS helpless, too. He�s just too proud to cry or ask for help. And he flourishes under stress, he really does. He acts so well that I don�t understand how they can NOT offer him a Grammy Award. His smiles and handshakes and demeanour is totally normal, even brighter than usual sometimes. But even he broke that day, Brit. He cried during Gone. I watched the video before any of them did � Joey is watching the CD now � and I frigging SAW his tears. Most of the fans will think it�s sweat, but we know better. He didn�t cry after that. He just smiled and went along with it. But JC broke down. He couldn�t hold it in anymore. He�s been carrying this weight with him ever since the day Lance pulled away from his touch in the car like he�d been burnt. Ever since then, they�ve never actually been as close. And all those rehearsals that we THOUGHT and HOPED would throw them together didn�t work. They backfired on us, Brit. So at first, JC went around hurting inside and Lance continued hating on the whole world for about a week since the stupid phone call from Diane which started all this in the first place. Then they had their infamous showdown. Which sent JC crying to Chris. I can totally understand that. Lance was� harsh. Really. We could all hear it. And I don�t think JC even raised his voice. I heard pleas, I heard sobs, I heard Lance throwing stuff against the wall, I heard a resigned voice, then I heard the door slamming and JC running to Chris� room. I heard him crying. Then the next few weeks of practices and stuff were okay for all of us. Mostly because Lance and JC are so considerate towards our feelings. I don�t think I know anyone more self-sacrificing than C, or anyone more considerate of others� feelings than Lance. They�re such a perfect pair, Brit. I love both of them so much. I�m aching for them inside right now. I wish there was a clear solution in this big mess, but there isn�t. I need your support right now, Brit, cos I think I�m breaking apart too. And I need to be strong. For Lance. And for Jace. They need us to be strong. WE need us to be strong. God, I sound like a desperate little five-year-old kid. That�s how bad things are around here. I think we need to help them get over this. JC�s looking old and tired and Lance is� not himself. He�s going around laughing and talking cheerfully, but even that�s taking it�s toll and Melinda�s already asked us ten thousand times why his eyes are so red in the morning. We never have an answer. No one else can tell they�re fighting, Brit. They�re covering it up so well. I just wish� y�know, if there was something, ANYTHING, I could do to clear this up, I would. I�d do it in a heartbeat. But now all I can do is pray. Lance should be okay, because he�s always okay, even under the toughest times and right now is probably difficult for him, but he�ll come out okay, like all the other times he�s come out okay. But I�m worried about Jace. He�s strong, I grant you that. And if he�s already so broken over this, I don�t think it�s going to take much more to get him down. I want to help so desperately� I hate feeling useless. So I�ve learnt something from all this. I will NEVER hurt you. Never. When times get tough, just know this � I will always love you. And I would NEVER let anyone change that. If anything ever gets me down, you�re the first one that comes to my mind, and I feel happier knowing that you�re gonna be there for me. I love you, Brit, I love you so much. But right now, I need to know someone still cares. That�s really all I need. Some assurance. And some hope. ANY hope. With love, yours ever, Justin.// ==================== Exasperatedly, Justin put the pen in between his teeth and chewed thoughtfully on it, reading through his letter once more. �Ah, what the heck,� he muttered, dropping the pen and stuffing the letter into an envelope before someone else saw it. He ran a hand over his head, relishing the coolness of the air against his scalp before resting his chin on his elbow. He looked up when he heard someone enter the room. It was Lance. �Hey Just, can we talk?� the deep bass rumbled. Justin smiled and nodded, �Course.� �Um.� Lance sat down and stared at his fingernails uncomfortably. �So.� He paused, biting on his lip, a sign Justin recognized as a nervous tendency. Justin continued watching Lance silently, waiting for the blond to continue talking. �Well, I�ve� I�ve been an ass. I know. I�m sorry. This is tearing y�all up and you guys don�t deserve that.� Justin smiled, placing a hand on Lance�s shoulder. �Look buddy. You weren�t being an ass. You were being a momma�s boy. No one�s mad at you for that. If you�d just apologize, everything would be better, y�know.� �Yeah, I do.� Lance confessed, twiddling his thumbs together. �I just don�t know what to say or do. It�s not like my mom is a hundred percent okay with this. I mean, I know she says she is. But it�s not like anyone can accept this kinda thing in a few weeks, you know? And I don�t want to do anything she doesn�t want me to. Yeah, Josh means the world to me, but if my mom wants me to give him up then�� Lance�s voice cracked, �Then that�s what I�ll do.� �Why, Lance?� �Because she brought me up. Because blood is thicker than water. Because I can TRY to find a second guy, but I CAN�T find a second mom. Because my mom took care of me when I was young and brought me up and I owe her at least this. It�s bad enough I�m always travelling and can�t spend more time with her, so I have to try to make her happy, Justin. She deserves at least that.� Justin nodded sympathetically. �That�s why no one�s blaming you for this, Lance. It�s not your fault, we know. We understand. But your mom�s already given you the go-ahead. So�� �I�m scared he�ll turn me down, Justin.� �He would never do that Lance. He can�t. He loves you too much.� �I don�t deserve him. Not after the way I treated him.� �He�ll understand, Lance.� �He shouldn�t. Even I don�t understand myself half the time, why should he?� Lance sighed, rubbing his forehead and standing up abruptly. �Look, I gotta go. Thanks Just� for talking to me� and for listening.� �Anytime, buddy,� Justin whispered, hugging his friend. �Anytime.� Hours later, Justin was still sitting on the same chair, with his head in the same position, staring out into space. He saw JC walk past the room, head bowed, hands trembling as he gingerly fingered the piece of material in his hands. Justin caught a flash of white before JC was out of sight completely. Justin sighed � it was Lance�s white sparkly shirt, one that he had gotten after much persuasion on JC�s part. Justin closed his eyes and let weariness take over his senses as he fell asleep, dreaming of times when the group had been a happy family, where everyone was contented just to hang out together, and JC and Lance were the most contented couple alive. TBC� |