//Dear Laura,
They caught me crying. Shit.
Sorry. That was all I could think when I started this letter to you. Let's try again. Um, how are you? Is everything down South good? Hope so. I know things here are far from perfect. Mom didn't think Josh was good for me, so she told me to break up with him, and I did. I was fricking cruel. I was downright evil. And I'm feeling so damn guilty about the way I treated him.
Mom shouldn't be able to do this to me, you know. She can make me feel so guilt-ridden about something that's so right. I KNOW he's the one, Laura. Who else could be? You saw us together, you can see it's right, can't you? The whole world can see it� except Mom. And she's the one I respect and listen to the most. I keep thinking that there should be SOME way I could convince her of accepting Josh. But I don't think that's possible.
She's starting to accept it now, I know. But I don't think she ever will be able to. That means I can never go after Josh, MY Josh, MY future. Yes, she's given me the green light and she apologized for the horrible things she called me and Josh over the phone the day she pressurized me into leaving him, but that doesn't change a THING, Laura. It just means she's more open now, and she's realizing that her son is bi. Or maybe even full-out gay.
But that doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean she's going to accept Josh with open arms. Far from it. I know my mother, and she's not the type. She has the streak of pride, that I think I unfortunately inherited, and she won't back down from the words she's said before. She DID say I was allowed to look for my own happiness, but that didn't mean running to the one person she told me to forget. I'm just so confused now.
Josh is so miserable. I can see it. It's been, what, eighteen weeks since I last touched him, or kissed him, and every time I see that hope in his eyes, I've crushed it. And I've killed both him and myself knowing that I've killed all his hopes. All the trust and love he put into our relationship went to naught because of the one woman I swore I would listen to all my life.
I just wish� I wish things weren't this way. I wish my mom wasn't so biased. I wish I wasn't so weak� or filial, whichever you choose to see. I wish Josh wasn't so submissive. He just doesn't want to hurt anyone, I know. Because there was once, a long time ago, Lou killed Josh. Just with words. He used to put Josh down more than any of us. Up till now, we don't know why. But he did. And I guess Josh realized the power of words.
Words can kill you, heart, body, mind and soul. They rip into the deepest part of you, the part you don't allow anyone else but your lover to see, and tear you apart from there. They eat into your consciousness slowly, painfully, making you see just how true they really are. And even if there isn't a shred of truth in the words, when it comes from someone more superior to you, it sinks in to a certain level. And Josh is someone who takes most things seriously. When he says something to you and he's not kidding, he expects you to take it as seriously as he would if the situation were reversed.
So Lou hurt him. Badly. And I think ever since then, he's learnt not to toy with words, and he's stopped rebutting anyone when they're screaming at him. He just does what he must to keep the rest of us happy, without complaint. I don't know how he manages, but he does get by. And I hurt him a second time, Laura. I hurt him with MY words. And I can't stand that I did that. I knew he'd been burnt before, and I still did it to him. What does that say about me?
So where does that leave us, Laura? I'm too scared to approach him. There are too many other factors I have to consider. Like my mom, my beliefs, everything. How is it that a few words from Mom can make everything that seems so right, so wrong? How is it that all those touches, those kisses, that I've craved for, longed for, how is it that she can make them seem so disgusting, so wrong, with one sentence? How is it that she can make me question my faith, my love, with a few words on her part, when the whole world hasn't been able to move me?
And how is it that through all this struggling that I've gone through, both she and Josh are still glaringly clear in my mind?
So what can I do to make all this right? What must I do to get Josh back and keep Mom happy at the same time? Is that even possible now? Why won't Mom just lay off and let me be with Josh? If I were less sure, if I had the slightest hint of a doubt that Josh and I were not meant to be, I'd let it drop. I'd forget him and move on, just like Mom said. But I can't.
Because I believed in this relationship, Laura. I believed in it with all my heart and soul. And when I was forced to work side-by-side with him on a non-talking basis, I was mad. I was furious at first. But the hurt I saw in his eyes melted me and I just felt incredibly unhappy. And tired. And exasperated. And about a hundred other things all at once. Even deliciously happy.
We're still not talking now. And I know it's hurting him worse than ever. He's become more drawn than I've ever seen before. When things got rough, he grew stronger, he became my rock, he helped me. And now� now he's got no one to help him and he's weakening. Chris and Joey aren't what he needs. I am. And I'm the one who cut him up like this. God, Laura, I'm a monster.
I can't stand seeing him like this. I can't stand waking up every morning with this huge sense of loss and helplessness because he isn't next to me in bed, just holding my hand or cuddling up to me. He used to be my reason in living. And now it's like there isn't a reason anymore. But I don't know what else to do. How can I convince Mom that this is real? It's not wrong, I just know it isn't.
I'm in desperate need of advice that only Josh would be able to give me. And right now, I can't even look him in the eye. Shit, I am a goner. I need to hear him laugh, just once, and I could keep going for the next few weeks. But there's no way that's going to happen. Not unless we patch up soon.
Ha. Like I said, no way that's going to happen.
Love, Lance.//
====================
"And why shouldn't it happen?" Lance wondered out loud, tapping his pen idly against the tabletop. "We can still talk, can't we?" He shook his head at his own stupidity. "No. No, we can't. That's not an option here, Bass."
"Talking to yourself again?"
Lance shot to his feet at the sound of the quiet voice. He turned around slowly and his green eyes slammed into sparkling cerulean. "Josh." He murmured.
"I'm sorry." JC seemed to suddenly realize what he was doing and he turned away, leaving his ex alone. "That was stupid, Chasez. Plain stupid. You don't talk to the man as if everything's still okay. That was stupid, stupid, STUPID."
"Talking to yourself again?"
JC froze at the repeat of his own words. He let out a dry chuckle and forced himself to relax. "No. I. Lance. You don't have to do this. You don't have to talk to me just because you feel obligated to because I started the conversation first. It was a crazy move on my part. Forget it."
Lance noted that JC hadn't even turned around to meet him. Gently, slowly, cautiously, he reached out to touch JC tentatively on the shoulder, relishing the feel of JC's skin under his hand. He swallowed nervously. "Um. No. Don't. It wasn't� stupid. I� wanted to talk to you too."
"You did?" JC still hadn't turned around and he was growing tenser by the minute. Lance's hand was resting innocently on his shoulder, but he felt as though his whole body was heating up just from the close proximity of Lance's familiar figure near his. "Oh. Okay. What� did you wanna talk about?"
"I�" Lance bit his lip, removing his hand. "I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I acted like a jerk and that was totally unacceptable. We should have talked things out. I shouldn't have yelled at you like that."
JC's shoulders dropped and he took another small step forward, away from Lance, before pausing and saying lowly, his back still facing Lance, "If that's all you wanted to say then� I think I should go."
There was a tense silence and both men waited impatiently, worriedly, for Lance's answer. "Yeah. That would probably be best." The words were out of Lance's mouth before he realized what he was saying.
"Right. Yeah. Okay." JC's voice cracked as he struggled to keep composed. "But what were all those touches about then, Lance? Are you still messing with me? God, what do you want me to do?" JC blinked in surprise. He didn't� "Oh. Shit. Lance, god, I'm sorry." He spun around and winced at the shock in Lance's eyes. "I didn't mean to say that out loud. I just� look, I'm sorry. I'll go."
Lance grabbed JC's arm as the brunette turned to leave again. "No. Wait. Stay."
"What do you want, Lance?" JC asked, softer this time, his voice weakening.
"What do you mean?" Lance whispered, wanting to know the extent of the pain he had inflicted on his lover, the one person he loved more than life itself.
"You're still messing with me. What do you want me to do?" JC whispered back, sinking to the floor, his hands wrapped firmly in his long hair. "Are you trying to prove something, Lance? Yes, you still get to me. I still love you more than I've ever loved anyone in my life, more than I thought I could ever love anyone. You still hurt me when you don't return my smiles, though god knows I can't do that anymore, and you still kill me when you act like I'm not there. Every time you look at me like you don't see me, or talk as if I'm not in the room, as if you're addressing everyone there but me, you break me even more." JC stood again, his hands in his pockets as he continued speaking, "Is that what you wanted to hear, Lance? You've done it. You've won. You've broken me. I� I can't get myself back together again. Without you, I'm nothing. You made me fall in love with you. You made me believe in love. You made me believe I was worth your love. And then you took that away from me. So you've won, Lance. I still love you, I'll ALWAYS love you. No matter how many times you decide you want to play me, or hurt me, physically or emotionally, no matter how long this goes on and how pained I feel, I'll still love you. Because I don't know how to stop. I don't think I CAN stop. Not even if I wanted to. And I don't want to. Because if I do, you might end up like me one day. Unloved. Completely. Just thrown aside. At least this way, you know, that no matter what happens, even if the world comes crashing down, one man�"
JC choked on his words as his tears started to run down his face. He took a deep breath and continued, "One man in this cold, cruel world, has given you his heart. And you can have the satisfaction of knowing you broke it, again and again and again, and he stupidly kept pining after you, even after he knew he wasn't worthy of you, knowing that it wasn't going to work out, he let that hope live on. And you trampled on it and crushed it and threw it in his face�" JC swallowed, and continued in an even softer voice, "And he still kept his love for you alive. It burned in him, and it ate him whole, but he continued living his pathetic life loving you. And he never stopped. And he's never going to stop. Because he can't. And he won't. So that at least, even if the world stopped tomorrow, you'll know that SOMEONE loved you. LOVES you. And that no matter how you break him, tear him down, kick him aside, he's going to keep being there for you if you need him. If you call him, he'll run to you, just to let you know that he'll always be there. If you push him away, he'll leave again, because he knows you're too good for him and you deserve better. If you touch him, he'll curl into a ball and die because he craves that, yearns for it, and it's like you're feeding a dying man salt water, making him more and more thirsty instead of saving him. But he'll let you do it to him again and again, just because you're you. And he can't stop himself."
"Josh�" Lance reached out and squeezed JC's shoulder again, tears slipping down his own cheeks as he realized the intensity of JC's pain, the pain HE had caused. And, as promised, JC didn't pull away. He stood, stiffly, waiting for Lance to collect himself before continuing, because now that he had started he couldn't stop. He had to get it all out.
"I love you Lance. I loved you ever since you first joined the band. I loved you even more when you said you loved me back. And even now, after all that's happened, after your mom says I don't deserve you, I'm not good enough for you, I still love you. Because I guess she's right. And I can't argue with that. But just know that. That I love you. And that I always will."
JC walked away then, rubbing the tears in his glistening blue eyes away viciously. Lance stared after him, dumbstruck. Then he sank to his knees and punched the floor. "Dammit," he cursed. "Damn all of this!"
TBC�