About me...
Warning: Profanity ahead
Boy, don't I feel conceited! Having a whole page, all about me. Eh. Well, anyway, since you're here, you apparently want to know more about me. So, here's a wee list of things that may or may not satisfy your curiosity. (If it doesn't, feel free to
drop me a line. I generally reply to emails as soon as I get them, so you can expect a reply within a day or two.)
Okay! So, I'm female, twenty-ish, live in Ohio, and I'm about to graduate. No, not from college. High school. Yeah, I'm a late graduate slash former dropout. I want to be a teacher, and do a little acting on the side. I'm passionate about writing, and I'm always looking for ways to improve the following; spelling, grammar, flow of words, depth of plot, etcetera. Have a suggestion on how I can improve? Then
tell me, for the love of FLUFF! (Also tell me if you find mistakes anywhere on the site. I'm a perfectionist, always looking for a way to improve.)
On another note, people tend to be caught off guard by some of my retorts. I'm honest where other people would try to be a bit less.. Forthcoming in the truth. When someone says they could beat me up, I'm more likely to tell them they're probably right than to try and convince them that I'm tougher than they are. People tend to look at me funny after that, and ask if I'm crazy. I usually reply in the affirmative, and when they realize I'm serious, they tend to back up a few paces. *Shrugs* Sanity is defined by what it is not, therefore no one can be sane.
Despite this 'brutal honesty' quirk, I manage to make friends with most of the people I know, or at the very least, keep off their bad sides. I can keep a secret if it's not mine, I only 'snitch' when I think the offence is truly dangerous, and I don't generally talk shit unless I really mean it. People talk to me because they know I'll do my best to look at a subject from an objective point of view, and because I appear to be quiet and shy, they don't worry about me overhearing things... So I know a lot more than people think I do, but they rarely find out because, hey, it's their business, not mine.
My sense of humor is brutal, sometimes downright sadistic, and often perverted. I'll be perfectly honest here. I'm a
very mean person, and I like to watch people suffer. However, because I know what it's like to suffer, I never hurt people
just so I can watch them suffer. When I hurt someone, it's because they've done something to me. Anything else I get out of it is pure gravy, and though this adds an icing of guilt, it's pointless to deny what I know to be true. Like I said, I'm brutally honest when it comes to me. About other people, I tend to do my best to make it not sting so badly when I tell them something they don't want to hear. (And by the way, when I say hurt, I generally mean psychologically. I don't do physical fights because I get my
ass kicked way too easily. And I don't want to go back to jail. It's boring as fuck in there. Yes. I
would know.) As for why I like to watch people suffer... It's probably because it makes me feel less alone. Makes me feel less like the most hated person I've ever known. (Yes, I
know I'm not the most hated person I've ever known, but that doesn't mean I don't
feel like I am sometimes. And that's okay, as long as I know that it's just how I feel, and not how things really are.)
So, yeah. I'm mentally ill. I've got a majorly fucked-up disorder that is undiagnosed. (I know it's undiagnosed because I never open up enough to psychiatrists and therapists and so ons to
get a proper diagnosis.) The whole thing about being brutally honest with myself? It's how I keep out of the loony bin. As long as I can force myself to see what's real and what's not, I figure I'm safe. This is also why it's so dangerous for me to be on sedatives. Take away the sharpness of my mind, and everything gets mixed up. Feelings become reality, and reality becomes too much. Then we have a trip to the hospital and some liquid charcoal, irritating psych ward nurses, and men with no hair and bad accents that decide what's wrong with you without bothering to ask you what
you think is wrong. Have I ever mentioned I dislike people in the psychiatric field? I have no trust for those people, because I know if I exposed them to the inner workings of my mind, I'd end up back in a psych ward, even though I have everything under control.
Life's a raging sea,
my life is a little boat being tossed about, and I'm the captain keeping it from capsizing. I've learned to control my ship through all but the worst of storms, and I'm really not very interested in letting someone take the wheel from me. Not when I've come this far, done this much, gotten that much closer to who and what I want to be. Yeah, it's a constant battle against the waves that are my mental illness, but I've managed, and I'm rather proud that I can coast through the normal waves without much more than a thought. So screw the psychologist coast guard. I don't need their life ring drugs, and I don't want their sympathy for my battered little ship. It's
my damn ship, and battered as it may be, I'm fucking
proud of it.
Y'know... That felt really good. Maybe I'll do this again some time. Thanks for listening to/reading my babble, and I hope I haven't scared you! *Waves, walks off while singing.* Sittin' in the mornin' sun, I'll be sittin' when the evening come. Watching the ships roll in, then I'll watch 'em roll away again, yeah. {Song: Sittin' On the Dock of the Bay by Otis Redding: 1968. I thought it was oddly appropriate.}