June half ran, half fell down the stairs as she chased after Jim. She crashed through the double doors, then out of the main door and looked around the car park. Where Jim's blue Ford car had been parked earlier, there was now an empty space. Her mind screaming with fear, she ran back into the building and up to the CAD room, where Sheelagh Murphy was in charge. "Sheelagh... I need your help."
"What is it June? Sit down - you look panicked."
"No... it's Jim... you have to put an all units out, to trace his car...." She wiped at the tears which were running down her face.
"What do you mean... what's going on?" She put her hand on June's shoulder. "Talk to me..."
"You have to find him... his car, it's a Ford Focus, blue... Y569 TNL"
"I'll put a call out... but as long as you promise to tell me what's going on."
June nodded. "Tell them... not to approach him, just to call back and let me know where he is."
Sheelagh stood and moved over to the PC at her side, giving him instructions on what to tell the relief before moving back to June. "That's done... so what's going on?"
"I... I might be wrong, but he... the way he was talking..." She put a hand to her head and wobbled dangerously.
"June sit down." Sheelagh slid her arm around June's back, guiding her to a chair. "This doesn't sound good."
"He's... depressed... his wife, she's been... abusing him..." June looked down at her hands, which she was wringing together.
"Oh god no... is he alright?"
"I don't know the extent... but he's been drinking again."
Sheelagh closed her eyes and shook her head. "How've we missed this?"
"I should have noticed something, but I've been blanking him, pushing him away..."
"Are YOU ok June?"
"I don't matter right now... we have to find Jim, before..."
"Before what... you're not saying he'd do something stupid?"
"I... he's... tried before..." June put her head in her hands and sobbed. "Some woman stopped him, but..."
"What are you saying?" Sheelagh's eyes widened.
"I think he's going to kill himself." June looked up at her, wide eyed.
"Oh no... then we've got to find him, and before he does anything. Sure you can deal with this yourself? Any ideas where he'd go?" Sheelagh rambled.
"I... last time... it was a bridge, over the Thames... he said... if he could choose, how to die... it would be... the water."
"Do you want me to send someone there to check?"
"Please... I can't lose him Sheelagh - not like this."
"No one wants to lose him - he's such a an important member of the team. I'll be right back." She headed over to the PC again.
June put her head back into her hands. Part of her was wishing that he'd simply gone back to Marie... it seemed the lesser of the two evils right now. A moment later, she looked up as Sheelagh returned.
"The area car's going to check all the bridges in the area... anywhere else you can think of, somewhere else he might be?"
"I... his home, but... I don't want Marie knowing, about any of this."
"Then we won't tell her." She squeezed June's shoulder. "I'll get someone to drive past discreetly."
"Thank you..." June stood, paced. "I feel like I should be out there, it might be too late already..."
"Don't talk like that June... we have to stay positive."
"I... Sheelagh, there have been ten deaths here in two years... I can't...." She turned to face the wall and sobbed.
"Oh June..." Sheelagh moved over to her, placing a hand on her back. "We must stay positive... I'm sure we're just overreacting..."
"It's just... this is Jim... nobody here has known him as long as I have... when I met him, I'd never have believed he'd turn out this way..."
"How long have you know him?"
"20 years... nearly 20 and a half." She wiped her eyes, turned and leant against the wall. "You should have seen him, so skinny and nervous..."
"Jim, skinny and nervous?" Sheelagh laughed. "Cor, twenty years, that's longer than I've known my husband... sorry June I didn't mean to..."
"It's alright... he was so sweet, he was eager and wanted to help... he... didn't become cynical until he went into CID. I hated seeing that happen to him."
"CID does that to a lot of people - they change so much when they go plain clothes. That's why I've always stayed downstairs."
"Yeah... when his tenure came up I was so pleased, I thought he'd change... he'd be OK."
"And he didn't?"
"No... not to start with. I guess you've heard about... his drinking... that was a horrible time... I should have stopped him..."
"I've heard bits... You could have tried to stop him June but... at the end of the day it was down to him. He wouldn't have stopped until HE wanted to."
"I know, but... I just... I'd look at him and see little Jimmy Carver, the man... boy..." She shrugged. "That I..."
"June?"
"If only I'd told him, it would all have been so different." She shook her head, slowly.
"Told him what June?" Sheelagh looked confused.
"How much I loved him. It was my stupid pride... he's six years younger than me, and I... why did that matter?"
"You told him eventually... don't beat yourself up over the past."
"Both of our lives could have been so different... I could have looked after him, all he's ever needed, all he needs is someone to look after him."
"You can't live in the past June... you've got to look to the future... you still love him don't you?"
"I've never stopped." She swallowed harshly and rapidly. "I can't face a life without him in it..."
"Hey now stop talking like that. He's still alive... it must have been so hard for you watching him marry Marie."
"It was a nightmare. It took every ounce of strength I had not to scream out when they asked if anyone thought the marriage shouldn't go ahead."
"I can't imagine what you've been going through... if I were in your shoes I wouldn't have gone to the wedding."
"It was Jim... my puppy." June's face crumbled and she sobbed.
Sheelagh wrapped her arms around June, rubbing her back. "Let it all out." She said softly.
"I just want him back, I can't live without him, Sheelagh..." June sobbed.
"And you won't have to. We'll find him."
"I want to kill Marie..." She broke away, her face furious. "As if Jim hasn't been through enough!"
"Now, no talking like that either. Jim won't want you in jail for murder will he?"
"I'm going to get him away from her...I don't care how... if its not too late... and if he's already dead... I'll..." June stopped as the PC looked up.
"Sarge..."
"What is it?" Sheelagh asked.
"PC Carver's car has been spotted by the Canley Bridge. And he's on the bridge."
"Oh please god no..." June muttered. "I've got to go to him now."
"Let someone drive you..." She looked up and saw Tony Stamp walking past. "Tony!" She called.
"No, Sheelagh please... Let me do this on my own."
"You're in no state to drive."
"Anyone but Tony...." June muttered under her breath.
"There's no-one else free..."
"Fine." June huffed. "But tell him he's only giving me a lift. I don't want him anywhere near Jim..."
"OK..." Tony opened the door of the CAD room. "Tony, June needs a lift to Canley Bridge Estate. She's just had a call from one of the CSU clients and... it's very urgent."
"Yeah sure no problem..." He looked at June. "Are you alright Sarge?"
"Yes... I'm fine. I just need to get there now."
***
Five minutes later, Tony pulled over as June told him to stop the car. "I'll be fine from here." She glanced over and back to where the bridge was lit up in the darkness.
"If you're sure... I don't like the idea of you being out on your own at night though. It's not safe."
"I'm alright, Tony." June bundled herself out from the car. "Honest. You've got things to do. Go." She shut the door with a bang. She waited until Tony had rounded the corner out of sight before slowly making her way up onto the bridge. Taking a deep breath she approached the sullen figure leaning on the barrier.
Jim looked up, around. June could see his teartracks glistening in the lamplight. "I knew this was a mistake."
"Jim please..." June said softly.
"You know me too well." He shrugged. "Should have gone somewhere else... somewhere quiet."
"You should have stayed and talked to me." June moved closer to him.
"There's nothing more to say."
"Oh no... there's plenty still to be said."
"Like... like WHAT, June?" Jim spun to look at her.
"What do you want me to say." She snapped back at him. "Do you want me to tell you its all your fault? Well it's not... it's down to him... the man who ra... d-did this to me. HE's the reason I wake up every night in a cold sweat... it's because of HIM that I scrub my skin til it's raw every day in the shower." She paused, slumped against the barrier. "HE'S the reason I lined up the contents of my medicine cupboard alongside a bottle of vodka. HE's the reason I did this..." She pulled up her sleeve, revealing an angry red scar across her left wrist and thrust it towards Jim. "Don't you understand Jim, none of this is because of you..."
"And you think THIS is because of US? It's NOT June!"
"What do you mean?"
"I know what it's like to be terrified. I have to plan every little thing I say when I'm with Marie... and even THEN it turns out to be wrong."
"Then get out - leave her before she kills you."
"I can't...."
"Give me one good reason why not..."
"She won't let me. I told you how she blackmailed her husband, well... nothing's changed."
"We can get her treatment... get her away from you for long enough for you to get out of there."
"No... she'll kill herself if I do anything."
"And you'll kill yourself if you don't." June wiped away her tears.
"It's been coming a long time, June." He sighed deeply, took a few steps away from her.
"I won't let you do this."
"It's my choice." He looked down over the railing. "Down there, in that water, that's the only place I'm happy."
"If you do this, then I do it too."
"June..." Jim's entire body tensed. "If you think that using reverse psychology is going to stop me, you're wrong." He climbed up onto the railing.
June opened her handbag, quickly removing her handcuffs. Before Jim could react she cuffed herself to him. "It's NOT reverse psychology." She muttered.
"June, damnit STOP THIS!"
"No." She sobbed. "I've been through enough these past few months. Why shouldn't I end it all?"
"Because... you're you... you're strong... June... please just let me do this! I'm begging you!"
"Strong?" June spat. "Do you know how close I've been to finishing it." She waved her wrist at him again. "THIS would have been it if I hadn't been disturbed..."
"See... don't you SEE! You say this isn't about us but that's what it all comes down to! If we hadn't split up, if I hadn't married Marie YOU wouldn't have been raped, YOU wouldn't be feeling this way. I did this to you, so why don't you end it now? Let ME end it!"
"Then jump, take me down with you. Jim don't you understand... I can't live without you. It's not just down to the r-rape." She stuttered. "That just contributed to it all. It's not being able to be near you that's killing me."
"You pushed me away." Jim turned away from her, looked out across the city.
"Because I had to, I couldn't deal with my feelings... then the attack happened and I fell apart. But I couldn't let anyone see that."
"You should hate me. Everyone else does."
"The only person I hate is myself. I... I love you Jim Carver."
"No... no-one can love me... Marie always says that... she says she doesn't know why..." He was muttering now, rocking lightly back and forth.
"Jim everyone at the nick loves you. I love you and I can't believe Marie could say something like that." She turned to him, placed her free hand on his shoulder. "Look at me Jim..."
"No... just undo these handcuffs and let me go." He seemed utterly defeated, his voice low, resigned.
"That's the last thing I'm going to do."
"June... if I don't do it this way there will be another way. I just don't want this anymore."
"We can work through this... please Jim..."
"This is what I want. You once said you'd do anything for me. Keep your promise, eh?"
"I can't." She sniffed turning away from Jim. "If you do this then I'm sorry but I'm coming with you. I CAN'T live without you."
"Yes you can. You'll forget me. You'll find someone else. Someone who doesn't put you through all of this." He started fiddling with the handcuffs, vainly trying to undo them.
She moved her arm, taking the cuffs out of Jim's reach. "Even if you do get them off and do this, I promise you I'll follow you down there. And you know how much I hate the water."
"June, June STOP IT!" He turned and screamed at her. "Just go, go on!! Don't throw your life away because of me... and don't think there's a chance we'll ever be together again because there ISN'T!"
"My life as I knew it ended when that man took away every shred ounce of self confidence I had - I haven't been living since then. It's no life when you're scared of your own shadow. But I was to weak to end it all... maybe this is what I needed... someone to push me over the edge."
"I don't care." Jim lifted heavy eyes to look at her.
"You never cared for me did you?" June slumped over the railing. "You let me fall for you then you ripped my heart out and stamped on it. I wish I had finished it that night... I don't know why I stopped. I thought for some reason you might miss me. I didn't want you blaming yourself. How wrong could I be?"
"I'm not worth you dying. Neither is that man that hurt you. You can't be a victim, June. You're worth more than that." He turned his face away from her. "You're right though - I never did love you."
"You bastard." She turned to him, pummelling his chest as she sobbed. "If you wanted to humiliate me you succeeded. Maybe I deserved to be raped... maybe it was a sign that I'm worthless..."
"You're not worthless. I am. I've just proved it, haven't I? So what loss can my death be to anyone."
"You're not worthless Jim, you are loved. No one gives a damn about me. People just use me then throw me to one side in a heap. Well I can't take much more of that..."
"No... June..." He shook his head, climbed down off the railing. He put his hand on her shoulder and shook her. "You have to stop thinking like this. You KNOW everyone loves you. I fight a constant battle every day just to gain a modicum of respect from anyone, and if I do I go home and have it beaten out of me."
She shook his hand from her shoulder. "If people cared for me why do they use me. You, Tony, that man... I thought you cared for me and look where that got me."
"Oh, god June, why do you think I'm doing this! Why do you think I'm trying to make you hate me!"
"I don't know Jim, I really don't know..." She sobbed. "I just feel so used... by everyone."
"June... June... I love you and I don't want you to die."
"You're only saying that because you want to me uncuff you so you can finish it. I know you hate me Jim."
"June... look into my eyes... look into my eyes and see if I'm lying."
"No..." She turned away from him. "I don't care anymore... I've had enough of everything... everyone..."
"Then do what you have to do. But I'm not taking you with me." He slid his hand down her arm to where she clutched the key in her hand. "It's your decision to make and I'm not making it for you." He managed to take the key from her grasp, she watched mutely as he undid the handcuffs.
"Jump then." She muttered, reaching into her handbag and pulling out a penknife. "Just go Jim... I've had enough�"
on to Part 3