Jim cracked his eyes open, and glanced at the luminous hands of his diving watch. 12:07am. June had fallen asleep about an hour ago, nestled beside him, one arm wrapped around him for comfort. Although in an awkward position, he didn't feel uncomfortable, in fact, this felt perfect. June moaned a little and shifted, holding him a little tighter. He glanced down before his eyes fell shut once more.
June shifted in her sleep, her arms and legs suddenly flailing uncontrollably. "NO... Stop it... leave me ALONE... please..." She seemed to wake suddenly, jumped to her feet, her face damp with tears. She rushed across the room, cowering against the wall, staring at the figure on the sofa.
"June... June!" Jim jumped up, ran across to her. She looked up at him, but he could tell just from the wildness in her eyes that she didn't know what it was that she was seeing. "JUNE!" He reached out to touch her, to try to wake her from this nightmare, but jerked his hand back. But soon, instinct became impossible to ignore and he placed a hand on her arm.
She flung her arm into the air, releasing Jim's grip but accidentally hitting him hard in the face, causing his nose to spurt blood. June blinked a few times and recognition soon dawned on her face. "Noooo..." She slumped down the wall onto the floor, collapsing into a sobbing heap. She looked up at Jim with pleading eyes. "I can't do this anymore... Help me..." She sobbed.
"June... you know I'll help you..." He wiped at his face then coughed. "Anything you want, just tell me...." He knelt down beside her.
"Make it go away..."
"I can't do that... you have to confront it, work through it, work past it. I can't make it go away, but if I could take your pain away from you, I would in a second..." He wiped at his face again, looked at his blood stained hand absently.
"I hurt you..." She said softly, tears cursing down her face.
"It's nothing... don't..." He coughed again. "Don't worry about it."
"You're making a mess of my carpet..." June forced herself to smile through her tears. "I need you to help me work this thing through Jim... I don't know what to do..."
"Neither do I, but there are people who do. You know that." Jim blinked. "You pack one hell of a punch." He put his hand to his forehead and slumped to the floor beside her.
"I hit the wrong man though... I thought... I thought it was happening again."
"Shhhhh... it's my fault... you scared me so much, screaming like that..." He put his hand up to his nose, the stream of blood was coming faster now. "Damnit..." He dug vainly in his pocket for a handkerchief.
"Get the tea-towel." June muttered. "It's clean... That's what happens everytime I close my eyes..."
"That's what I said... you have to confront this, you have to bring your demons out into the open." Jim got slowly to his feet, offering his hand to June.
She got to her feet and slowly led Jim through to the kitchen. "What have I done to you eh?"
"You know my nose, it bleeds if you don't speak nicely to it." He glanced down at his shirt. "Yuck."
"Take it off - I'll soak it in cold water so it doesn't stain."
"No... no it's OK." He picked up the tea towel and held it under his nose while pinching the bridge.
"No take it off... I'm sure there's an old T-shirt of yours lying around upstairs."
"I thought I took all my stuff." Jim took the tea towel away, moved his fingers. "Is it stopping?"
"Not really." June sighed. "No there's definitely a T-shirt in the wardrobe... the one I used to use as a nightshirt..." She muttered.
"OK..." Jim glanced up at her, and for a moment their eyes met. "I'll get it...."
"Give me your shirt... I can be soaking it..."
Jim slowly unbuttoned his shirt, taking it off and passing it to June. Then he ripped a pile of paper towels from the dispenser on the wall. "So I don't drip on your carpets." He smiled.
June watched him as he padded towards the door. "Jim... what the hell is that on your back?"
"What?" Jim was instantly on the defensive.
"That huge bruise..." She touched his skin gently.
"It's nothing. I... slipped getting out of the shower a couple days ago."
"I thought we'd stopped lying to each other... it was Marie wasn't it... turn round..."
"June..." Jim shook his head and made to move out into the hallway.
"Jim..." June warned, moving her arm to his shoulder and spinning him round. "What has she done to you?" She gasped, looking him up and down.
"What do you want me to say?" He shrugged his shoulders. "I... I do this for Ben."
"You've got to get out of there Jim... you need to talk to someone about this."
"It's not for much longer. Ben's sixteen in three months."
"She could kill you by then... please Jim... for my sake as much as yours... I need you."
"So does Ben, he's like a son to me. Honestly, June, I don't think she'd go as far as killing me."
"You can take Ben away from her... look at what's she's done to you. It can only get worse."
"I'm alright." Jim looked at her sadly. "Let's get you sorted out first, OK?" He headed for the stairs. "Where did you say the T-shirt was?"
"In my wardrobe..." June sounded defeated.
"Thanks."
***
Five minutes later, he came back down, dressed in the grey T-shirt he'd found upstairs. "This smells like you."
June turned to him from the sink. "I'm sure I washed it... sorry. Wasn't expecting you to come back for it. I'm not sure I can rescue this shirt though. You still bleeding?"
"Usually takes a while to stop." He leant up against the wall. "Get a bit light headed too."
"Then sit down before you hurt yourself even more... I'm so sorry Jim." She shook her head. "You don't deserve this... not after everything you did for me last night."
"It was an accident." Jim moved to a chair by the kitchen table. "I'm just glad I was here, otherwise you might have hurt yourself."
"No I wouldn't have." June sighed sitting down opposite him, absently rubbing her scarred wrist. "You get used to it happening."
"We need to..." Jim pulled another paper towel away from his nose, looked at it and placed it on the table. "We need to talk about where we go from here."
"I don't know Jim." June frowned at him picking up the paper towel and taking it to the bin. "I honestly don't know." She sat down again heavily. "I just know I can't go on like this."
"Then we get you counselling... victim support." June grimaced. "I know you hate that word, but... I'm just telling you what you've told rape victims for years. I know it's different know but you give them that advice for a reason, don't you? And don't most of them manage to move on with their lives?"
"I suppose..." June shrugged. "Why do you always have to be right?"
"Me?" Jim laughed, then winced. "Ow. You're the one who's always right. Look at Ma...." He stopped, looked down and shook his head.
"We're all allowed one mistake... I've know I've made my fair share..."
"Nobody's perfect. We just stumble along, lurching from one crisis to another..." Jim smiled wanly. "Got myself into a right one this time."
"And you'll get out of it again... we'll make sure of that. Sitting here with you now... I can see why you're so good in CSU... why people call up and ask for PC Carver to come round to deal with them. You can't jack it in Jim."
"I just feel like a hypocrite." He touched his nose gingerly.
"That's the last thing you are... If you're a hypocrite then so am I. Has it stopped?"
"Think so." He sighed. "I'm there... you have to leave him, you cant let him do this to you... and under my clothes I'm hiding bruises and scared to admit my *wife* is beating me."
"And I'm telling rape victims to seek counselling... not to do anything rash, when I'm too scared to do it myself... and have the scars to prove I can't deal with it... what are people going to this when they find out... We're a right pair aren't we?" She smiled.
"We are. Look..." He bustled. "It's late, I should..."
"You can't walk the streets at this time... it's not safe. I should know after all."
"Safer on the streets than at home."
"Safer here than on the streets..."
"June, I don't think...."
"She thinks you're working."
"She's probably asleep by now, on the sofa... won't wake up until lunchtime, if then."
"Exactly... and I've got a spare room."
"June, if I stay here tonight I may never go home."
"At least I'll know you're safe."
"What about Ben?"
"If she's passed out on the sofa then he's safe... til we can sort something out."
"Yeah. I should go up, then... I... my head hurts."
"Yeah, you know where the spare room is... the bed's made up... I'm sorry... If I promise to get help will you do the same?"
"I don't know, June."
"Please... You can't live like this can you?" She reached out for his hand."
"I... this sounds ridiculous... but I don't want to get her into trouble. Deep down she's a very loving person."
"Jim." June scoffed. "Loving people don't do that... open your eyes."
"When she's fine, I still love her. I can't help myself."
June shook her head. "I don't know what else I can say... So PC Carver... who are you making me go see tomorrow... if I don't change my mind. Not Gina surely..."
"No... what about Polly?"
"I don't know Jim... I'm not sure I can do this after all."
"Please... don't back out on me now." He looked at her. "Alright... if you do this... I'll make an official complaint against Marie."
"I can't promise anything Jim... it was only tonight I admitted it to myself... It's so hard to talk about... I'm scared. But I'll try to do it for you."
"No..." He stepped forward, took her hands. "Do it for YOU."
She looked into his eyes. "I'll try... I promise..."
"Let's get some sleep. If you need me, at any time during the night, just call me."
"I'm sure you'll hear me... though it might be safer for you if you stay away... you've only just stopped bleeding."
"I don't care, you can punch me as much as you like... I hardly feel it anymore."
"I could never hurt you Jim... not on purpose anyway."
"I know." He took her hand. "Come on."
***
The next morning, June came down the stairs to find Jim at the table. He smiled and gestured to the toaster. "Two slices, marmalade and coffee ready and waiting."
June smiled. "I've missed this... I've tried to train Toto but he just can't get the hang of it."
Jim laughed out loud. "Thanks for the black eye, by the way."
June raised her hand to her mouth. "Oh I'm sorry... how are you going to explain that one?"
"Occupational hazard." Jim smiled.
"Comforting mad women?"
"You're not mad." Jim stood and poured June a mug of coffee. "How are you... feeling... about things this morning?"
"Scared... sorry, terrified. Wanting to go back to bed rather than face up to things..." She sipped her coffee.
"You know you have to though, don't you? We both have to." He sipped his own coffee, dropped the mug to the table. "I'm not going back to Marie. I'm going to get a flat sorted, and... get the ball rolling."
"I guess so... I'm glad to hear you're not backing out though. How's your nose this morning?"
"It's OK." Jim looked up as June moved to stand by him at the worktop. "June... I...."
"Jim?"
"Nothing, forget it. That's the last thing you need right now, I'm being insensitive."
"Tell me." She ordered. "No more secrets remember."
"I was... thinking about... us." He shrugged, looking down, away, ashamed at his words.
"What about us?"
"Nothing. Just Jim Carver putting his foot in it again."
"I'm sorry Jim... I just can't think about that right now... I can hardly bear to be touched by anyone..."
"I know, I'm sorry... I had to push it too far."
"You didn't... I just have to learn to trust again... I know you won't hurt me but it's hard... give me time."
"It's not as if I want to get into another relationship right now either."
June nodded. "But don't leave me... you're the only man I trust right now... the only *person* I'm able to talk to."
"I won't... I won't. June, let's go to the nick, sort out some counselling for you, then... I can do what I have to do... and we'll see how it goes from there."
"Sounds good to me. Thanks for everything."
"No... thank you." Jim turned to her, placed his hand on her cheek.
"I think you're the only person ever who'd let me punch him without complaint." She smiled.
"I can complain if you want."
"You wouldn't dare." She laughed.
"I can whinge for Europe."
"You don't say... Thanks... for making me smile again."
"It's good to see it." He ran his hand down her face, brushed a finger gently over her lips.
"It feels good... I can't remember the last time I felt like this."
"Me neither." Once again he gently kissed her forehead. "I love you June, and I'm not leaving you again. I swear."
"I'll hold you to that."
"Do that." He leant down a little further, brushed his lips against hers, gently, questioningly.
She closed her eyes, relaxing for a split second before jumping away. "No Jim, I'm sorry... I can't..."
"Sorry... one step at a time, eh?" He looked away, a little sadly through the window.
"Like learning to walk... I can't rush this Jim... not when I can still feel *him* touching me."
"I understand." He looked back to her. "I really do."
"Good." She looked at her watch. "We're going to be late... I don't know if I can do this..."
"You can and you KNOW you can!" Jim urged her. "I'm here with you. Always." He reached out for her hand. "Trust me... "
on to Part 5