Jim looked down at the knife, then up at June's eyes which were glistening in the moonlight. In one swift movement, before she could even think to react, Jim pulled the blade from her grip and tossed it over the side of the bridge into the river.
She slumped down onto the floor looking up at him with empty eyes. "Why did you have to do that?" She said sadly.
"Because... this isn't you." He sat down next to her. "This is the kind of thing I do, ever the attention seeker... that's why I did this, for attention, you... you want to do this, don't you, you really do? You're really in pain and there's nothing you feel you can do about it."
"So it's not revenge because I wouldn't let you do it?" She sobbed. "It's been months since... it happened, but everytime I close my eyes... everytime I stop I can feel his hands on me again and again. I can't go on like this..."
"What is it you tell rape victims, June. That they mustn't let whoever did it win."
"If only it were that simple..."
"I can't even begin to imagine what you've been going through. Oh, I've been attacked, but I always knew... there was always a face, and a name. Is that what makes it worse, knowing he's still out there?"
"Partly..." She sniffed. "I've been punched, kicked, beaten so many times in this job that I've learned to put it behind me. It was... was he did to me... something so personal... something I should have had a choice about..."
"I'm sorry. I should have been there with you."
"Don't blame yourself... I shouldn't have walked home... it was so damn stupid. I brought it all on myself."
"Nobody brings that on themselves you know that. Never blame yourself for this." Jim turned to face her.
"I knew the risks, I've seen so many victims of all kinds of attacks at night... but still I decided to walk home... I didn't even stick to the main roads." She sobbed. "Why didn't I just wait for a taxi?"
"June... stop it... please..." He knelt before her, placed his hand softly on her face. "The person that did this to you was evil. You should be entitled to walk where you want to when you want to."
She froze as his hand made contact with her skin. "But you can't can you? And I knew that..."
"June, you can't change anything now, can you? You can't eat yourself up over what ifs."
"Then tell me how to make it go away..." She broke down once more, hiding her face against her knees.
"I can't do that. And I can't pretend I can. It's a process you have to go through... with support from people who love you and care for you."
"I don't want people to know... I'll get that sympathetic look from everyone again, the same one I got when you finished with me... then when you married Marie... I can't bear the thought of that... I hate being a victim."
"Then don't be." Jim looked down. "June, let me take you home."
She looked up at him and nodded.
Jim stood, then held out his hand for June to pull herself up. "I'm not leaving you, as long as you still need me."
"Thanks." She got to her feet and dusted herself down. "So what now?"
"I...." Jim looked up. "June..."
"Jim?"
"Looks like someone reported us... can't say as I blame them." He gestured to a police car which was just drawing up.
"Well Sheelagh knows... how do you think I found you... we put an all units out." June sighed. "Just tell them to go."
"OK...." Jim watched as Sheelagh and Gina Gold disembarked. Sheelagh looked Jim up and down. "Are you alright?" He nodded.
Gina approached June. "June... what's been going on?"
"It's nothing ma'am... just an over reaction..."
"Yes, ma'am, it's fine, honestly. June and I just had some things to work out."
"And everything's ok now? Only someone told us it looked like two people were about to jump off the bridge." Gina furrowed her brow. "Should we be concerned?"
"It got a little... tense, but... no, neither of us would even think of... doing that... would we, June?" Jim looked at June intensely.
"No." June muttered sounding totally unconvincing.
"I was just about to drive June home. Everything is fine... honest." Jim looked away from Sheelagh's intense gaze.
"If you're sure..." Gina made to head back to the car.
"We're sure." Jim and June watched as Sheelagh and Gina got back into the car and slowly moved away. He turned to June. "You alright?"
"Not really." She sighed.
"Come on." He held out his hand to her.
She reached out for him briefly, before stuffing her hands into her coat pockets. "After you..."
***
The journey was conducted in silence, June staring out of the window. Finally they pulled up outside June's house. Jim stopped the car, then dropped his hands into his lap. "Do you want me to leave you?"
"I don't know." Her voice was barely audible.
"I don't want to stay with you if it'll make you feel worse."
"I don't know what I want anymore... I'm scared of my own shadow..." She punched the dashboard angrily. "I hate feeling like this."
"June..." Instinctively he turned to hold her, but jerked away suddenly. "I'm sorry, I know..." He stuttered. "I just want to hold you but I'm scared it will upset you."
"I... I..." She turned to him, tears lining her face. "I hate being like this... how can I be afraid of you... the most gentle man in the world..."
"No, I'm not...." He shook his head slowly. "I try, but... will you let me try to help you, June? Knowing me I'll muck it up, but..." He laughed, a tear sneaking down his cheek as he did so.
June smiled through her tears, slowly reaching out a hand to wipe at his cheek. "Yes."
"I meant it when I said I'll be with you, every step of the way."
"I know you did... and I'm grateful for that."
"As for Ma..." He stalled, swallowed harshly and briefly looked away from her.
"M-Marie?"
"June, if you want me to stay, I'll stay... but I should... call her..." He put his hands on the steering wheel, tightening his fingers till his knuckles shone white.
"I don't know... how about you come in and we'll take it from there... I can't promise anything. You can use my phone."
"Yeah..." They got out of the car, Jim moving ahead of June to open the gate, then gently taking the keys from her to open the door. They stepped inside the dark, cold house. Jim flipped on the hall light. "OK?" June nodded, stepped inside and Jim closed the door behind them. He looked around. "This is odd." He hiked an eyebrow at her, sighing deeply.
"What is?" She scooped up Toto from beside her feet, planting a light kiss on his head and burying her face into his warm fur.
"Being here again. I'd forgotten how nice your house is." Jim ruffled the fur on Toto's head, he hissed and threw a leg out to scratch him.
"Hey..." June dropped Toto. "What's got into you?"
"Don't worry, I can hardly blame him. Bet you've been cursing me to him... I used to love the way you'd talk to him about things... even things you'd never tell me."
June smiled. "Who do you think I've been talking to all these months..."
Jim looked down at the phone on the table at the bottom of the stairs. "I'd better...."
"I'll go and put the kettle - what are you going to tell her?"
"I don't..." His hand reached for the phone but June could see it was quivering.
"Tell her it's a case if you don't want to tell her the truth." She placed her hand on his shoulder. "I'll be in the kitchen."
"Thanks." Jim picked up the receiver and quickly dialled the number.
June moved silently into the kitchen shutting the door behind her. She could hear Jim's muffled voice in the hall as she got out cups.
"Marie... Marie... stop it!" Jim nearly shouted down the phone. "You're drunk, and I'm not coming home while you're like this!"
"Jim?!" June rushed out of the kitchen and stood behind him. "Is everything OK?" She murmured.
"Marie... I'm not listening to you... I've had enough of this! Just go to bed and try to sober up... Marie... come on you can't blackmail me like this anymore."
June reached a hand out to Jim, squeezing his shoulder as he shook.
"You knew this when you took me on... I don't work nine to five and I can't come home to you whenever you call. Marie..." He put his hand in his hair, tugging at the strands. "Marie... no... MARIE!" There was a moment's silence, then he dropped the receiver slowly to its cradle. "She hung up."
"Are you ok?" June said softly. "Come on I'll make you a cup of tea, you're freezing."
"Yeah... that was quite mild, compared to some of the altercations we've had." He wiped at his face with his sleeve. "Tea sounds great." He followed June into the kitchen.
"I'm glad you're here... sure you're ok though." She handed him a mug, opening a cupboard and pouring a generous slug of vodka into a glass. "You don't mind do you?" She asked taking a sip.
"I... no." Jim shrugged. "I'll work out what to do about Marie... you're right she does need help but she's been this way a long time and one more night wont change anything."
"You can't bottle this up." June drained her glass and reached out for her mug.
"Hey... hey, this is meant to be about you, not me."
"Whatever." June shrugged. "I'm going to sit down my feet ache, are you coming?"
"Sure." He followed her into the lounge. She sat down and kicked off her shoes. He stood in the middle of the room, looking awkward. He turned toward the mantelpiece, and there he saw the picture June had given him as a Christmas present, the two of them together over twenty years ago - he had forgotten to take it with him when he left. "Look at us." He smiled.
"Yeah... look sit down will you." She pulled her legs up in front of her almost defensively. "There's been a lot of water under the bridge since then... so to speak."
"Good choice of words." He sighed. "If I could go back, I'd do everything differently."
"You're not the only one."
"I wouldn't have gone into CID for one..." He sipped his tea.
"Really? Don't know if I'd've even gone into the job knowing what I do now." She sighed.
"Guess we both had our reasons. I don't know what else I would have done... I started training as a social worker."
"You never mentioned that before. It'd suit you - you're so good in CSU:"
"Yeah... social work though, it was so much paperwork and no real action... the police... at least back then, was so different." He dropped his mug onto the side table. "But as I found out, there was bit too much action."
"You lived for the job Jim... you still do in some ways. I mean look at you sat here now with me... you're still on guard as a policeman as well as a... friend."
"I've been thinking about jacking it in." He said suddenly.
"No... no you can't..." June froze. "I can't do this without you..."
"I'll always be with you, you know that... it's just the job... I can't see anything in it for me any more. It's so frustrating."
"You've got to rethink... I mean what else would you do... you were born to be a policeman. CSU needs you... I need you."
"Yeah... it's just been hard, recently, with Marie and Ben, I'm living what the CSU victims are going through. It's hard to remain impartial."
"I know what that one's like." June sighed ducking her head "Get Marie sorted, you'll start thinking straight again."
"Jim Carver, thinking straight." Jim laughed. "That'd be the day."
"You're the most level headed person I know... deep down."
"No... you are." He turned a little to face her. "I just wish we could both go back to the way we used to be. Everything was so simple then."
"What as far back as when I was with Dave? That wasn't simple." She laughed.
"Dave Litten...." Jim rolled his eyes. "Mind you... I'd rather deal with him than Cathy Bradford."
"You're not the only one. There was a good man in there somewhere... he just didn't like to show it very often."
"Mmmm... good times. Taffy..." Jim's mouth twitched and he started to chuckle.
"You miss him don't you?" June smiled. "You two were as thick as thieves... and twice as much trouble."
"We were... I miss that, having a mate, you know." He nodded. "I haven't had a real mate since... Frank, and Ted."
"You've got me... or don't I count?"
"I mean... blokes together... you know what it's like."
"Yeah... like me and Viv back then."
"Yeah..." Jim downed the rest of his tea. "You're my best friend though, you know that."
"And you're mine... I'm sorry for pushing you away but..."
"It's OK, I understand..." He reached out a hand, placed it gently on her shoulder.
She froze briefly before relaxing again. "I just couldn't bear the thought of people knowing... people touching me... it brought it all back."
"You know I would never ever hu...." He stopped, looked down.
"I know you wouldn't..."
"I just don't know how you still trust me. I treated you so badly, June."
"You're the only man I can trust right now. I know you won't hurt me..."
"No... never..." He slid his arm down, round her back and pulled her close. She hesitated for a moment, then nestled her head on his shoulder. "If anyone ever hurts you like that again - I'll kill them."
"And I'll let you..." She sniffed. "Why didn't I come to you straight away? Why did I let it build up so much? It's been eating away at me for so long I don't know if it will ever go away."
"It will... with time. Believe me, I know."
"No Jim... you can't know what it was like to be r-raped."
"I didn't mean that... I'm sorry..." Jim stuttered.
"It's ok. I didn't mean to snap. It's just... I thought I knew what people were going through when I talked to them... but you can't imagine what it's like... it's your worst nightmare multiplied."
"I... I was badly beaten when I was 16, in Manchester... I... I know it's not the same, but... I didn't go out for months...."
"It's like losing control isn't it?" She reached out and linked her hand with his. "You can't step outside in case it happens again. Every face in the crowd could be him... you're afraid to enter a room because think people are talking about you. Feeling like this isn't living..."
"I haven't lived for a long long time. Except for when I was with you."
"You were living when you married Marie... you looked so happy..." She let go of his hand, absently running her fingers over the raised scar on her left wrist. "That was why I had to leave the reception... it was killing me."
"I thought I was alive, but it was a lie. All of it. June... if we hadn't been rescued the second we had been... I wanted to kiss you, I... damnit!" He turned his face away so she couldn't see his tears.
"Please don't cry..." She grabbed his arm. "Look at me Jim. In the cellar... when I thought we were going to die and you held me... it was like winding the clock back... I knew if I had to go, then there was no better place than in your arms..."
"June... I'm so sorry." He placed his hands on her face. "Forgive me." He leant in so their foreheads were touching.
"You're forgiven. I can't stay mad at you for long..."
"I... I love you, June..."
"You know I love you... I never stopped."
"Neither did I." Gently he kissed her forehead.
"Then why all this..." She closed her eyes. "Why did this have to happen?"
"I don't know, I wish I did... maybe... June, if we can make it through this together, it'll show... what we should have known to begin with."
"It's not going to be easy..."
"I know... but June, we're soulmates. Aren't we?" His eyes met hers.
She nodded, looking at him through damp eyes. "We are."
on to Part 4