Warning � 99.99% angst.
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The double doors to Sun Hill CSU slammed open as June Ackland stormed through. "If DI Nixon tries to throw one more case my way I swear I'll� " She grumbled, walking towards her desk, stopping suddenly as she saw Polly sat there.
"Sorry Sarge, my monitor's just blown up and I need to get this statement finished and printed � you don't mind do you?"
"Course not Pol. Just let me save what I've been doing � I've been working on it all day so if I lose it I'll cry."
"Yeah sure." Polly moved to one side. "Go ahead."
June leaned over the desk taking the mouse in her hand. "I don't believe this." She screamed banging the mouse against the desk. "What have you done � it's frozen�" June shouted. "All that work for nothing� why my machine? Cathy's not even in today why didn't you use that?"
Polly looked up at Jim with tears in her eyes as if asking for support. "I didn't mean to�" She said softly. "I was just printing something." She stood suddenly and rushed out of the room.
June watched as Polly left the room, her mouth hanging open in dismay. A second later, she jumped as she felt a hand touch her lightly on the shoulder. "Sarge... you want me to see if I can fix it?"
June looked around to him. "Um... yes... please..."
Jim pulled his chair over to her desk and tapped some keys. "It's nothing terminal." He looked up to her. "Here... yep, it's all still here." He looked up with a triumphant smile. "I've even saved it for you." He wheeled himself back over to his desk, looking at June who still appeared disorientated. "Sarge....you alright?"
"Yeah, course I am." She snapped, sitting down in her chair and putting on her glasses. "I'll just be glad to get home, that's all." She glanced at her watch - five to five. People were already packing up, getting their coats and leaving.
The double doors swung open and Polly walked slowly back in. "I'm sorry, Sarge." She shrugged. "I should have asked."
"No... it's alright, Polly, I didn't mean to snap."
"And I didn't mean to run off like that." She moved in closer to June. "You know what it's like...hormones and that."
June nodded. "Get yourself home and get a good night's sleep." She touched Polly lightly on the arm. Looking around, she noticed everyone else had left - and it was still two minutes to five. "Typical."
Jim smiled good naturedly. Then his eyes softened as he regarded her. "Is that what it is, June, hormones... I know what you can get like."
She shook her head slowly. "No... I'm just tired, honest."
Jim stood approached her. "You sure... if there's anything you want to talk about...."
"There's nothing Jim, alright?!" June shut down her computer and dumped a file and her phone into her bag.
"No... come on." Jim took her hand in his and began to lead her to the small office in the corner of the CSU.
"No, Jim... leave me be!" She tried to pull her hand away, but his grip was too insistent.
He opened the door of the office and led her inside. She reluctantly sat down in a swivel chair, regarding him through tired and angry eyes.
"You know you can still talk to me."
"There's nothing to talk about." June shook her head, pulled her knees up to her chest.
"June, I've known you long enough to know when something is wrong."
"There's nothing wrong. How many times do I have to tell you?"
"Then why were you shouting at Polly earlier. Why have you been blanking me for weeks?"
"I've been busy." She looked down.
"Look, Polly told me... about the attack." Jim looked up at her.
"It was nothing... really it wasn't. I told her to ignore it."
"She told me you haven't been the same since. She's worried about you, we all are." Jim moved closer and tried to reach for her hand.
She pulled her hand away quickly. "I'm fine... I told you."
"June, please, don't do this! I can't bear to see you like this... you've lost weight, you..." He shook his head. "Have I done this to you?"
"No." She shook her head.
"Because you don't know how sorry I am about everything that's happened... I can't blame you if you want to hate me."
"I don't hate you... it's not your fault."
"Then... what else is there?" He shrugged. "Is it work?"
"Partly." She sniffed. "Things have been so hectic lately."
"Yeah... they have, but you usually thrive on that. June... please don't lie to me anymore." He sat down again, pulled the chair close. He lifted her head up so their eyes met. "I can see that something is really hurting you, deep down inside... June, it's scaring me to see this in you..."
"Just leave it Jim... I don't want to talk about it... I can't talk about it. It's personal." She turned her head away.
"You can't bottle things up - you've told me that so many times."
"Maybe I was wrong... it's not something I can talk about."
"How do you know unless you try. June, I was sent to a counsellor, after my breakdown, I didn't think I could tell anyone anything but it is such a release, it is so cathartic... if you can't tell me, maybe..."
"I don't want a councillor. I don't want to talk." She snapped. "Please Jim..." She turned away so he couldn't see her tears.
"No! June, don't turn away from me, I care for you so much..."
"Then let it go..."
"I can't, I can't see you like this, watching you every day... June I've been there I know... I can't let this happen to you, to the strongest and most beautiful woman I have ever..."
"Don't Jim. Don't tell me you care - it just makes things worse. Just go home... Go to Marie and leave me in peace."
"Marie doesn't need me, you do. And I do care, I told you I'll always love you." His chin was trembling now, frustrated and fearful.
"Don't you say you love me." June snapped. "Just go home Jim."
"No!" Jim stood in front of the door, belligerent. "So this is about us? This is about what I did to you?"
"No." June sobbed. "It's nothing to do with us."
"Then please, tell me." Jim walked over to her, put his hands on her arms. "Please. Whatever it is, I can take it I can help you - I want to help you!"
June sprang up from her seat and stepped away. "Don't touch me."
"June..." Jim was confused but backed off.
"Just leave it... please?"
"Has someone hurt you?"
She turned away slowly, saying nothing.
"June... if someone has hurt you... it is to do with the attack, isn't it? It wasn't just a mugging was it, June?"
Her body shook as she suddenly broke down. "I don't want to talk about it." She stuttered, her voice cracking.
"Did someone rape you?" He asked, suddenly overcome with fury.
June turned slowly to face him. Her wet brown eyes betrayed her pain as she looked at him.
"Oh my god, June..." He tried to gather her into his arms but she jerked away. "Why didn't you tell anyone, why didn't you report it?"
"I couldn't... you know as well as I do that you can't convict someone you didn't see."
"But... why didn't you call someone after it happened? Polly... anyone?"
"I just couldn't..." She wrapped her arms around her body as if to provide some comfort. "I discharged myself from the hospital and went home..."
"And this was the night of my wedding reception. The one you left because..." He shook his head and slumped slowly to the sofa.
"Don't go blaming yourself... I was the one that decided to walk home. I should have known better."
"But it is my fault - everything in this past six months has been my fault." He looked up at her with huge, wet eyes. "I should have been with you, if you'd called me..."
"It was your wedding night Jim... I'm big enough to deal with this myself. I don't need your guilt on top of mine."
"My wedding night? Shall I tell you what my wedding night was like?" Jim was now furious with himself, unsure of what he was saying or what he should be saying.
"I don't want to know anything about your wedding night Jim." June shook her head and sat down again, as far away from Jim as the small room allowed. "Please... and if you tell anyone about this..."
"June you need to talk to someone... I'm not letting this happen to you, I'm not... I..." He leant back into the sofa and tears rolled down his face, his body wracking with sobs.
"I just want to forget it. Jim please... don't cry..." She moved over to him, slipped an arm around his shoulder, her own body tensing at the physical contact.
"I don't want to, but I can't... June... you've told me this, can I tell you something..."
"Go on..."
"I... god, next to what happened to you this sounds so petty, so pathetic, you couldn't control what happened to you... I can... June... I've started drinking again."
"Oh Jim..." June ruffled his hair. "Why this time?"
"Same as every other time. To help me forget."
"You've just got married, you're meant to be happy."
"Ha!" Jim laughed harshly. "Happy... I go to the pub after work so I have an excuse not to go home."
"Jim?" June moved away slightly and looked at him. "What's going on?"
"And do you think she cares? She doesn't. She's blind drunk most of the time herself. And everything, everything revolves around her." He clenched his hand into a tight fist. "Everything I do has to make her happy. Forget Ben, forget me... if she doesn't get her way..."
"I'm sorry Jim." She took his fist in her hand, resting her head on his shoulder. "I'm so sorry..." She sobbed quietly.
"Don't you be sorry, you've done nothing wrong. It's me that should be sorry. You were right about her. June... she told me, once, that her husband only hit her once. And that... was in self defence."
"But the computer... domestic violence� it said... I don't understand..."
"She lied. She lies about everything. She lied to me about who she is... she was the one abusing him but the police never took his accusations seriously. Said he was covering up for his own crime. The self harm... god... she did it to blackmail him into staying everytime he threatened to leave."
"Oh Jim..." June closed her eyes. "What are you going to do?"
"What can I do? If I'm not there then who gets the beating?"
"She's beating you?" June's eyes widened.
"She needs someone to take it out on. I can't let her hurt Ben."
"You can't let her do that to you Jim." June suddenly seemed to slip back into sergeant mode. "We can get Ben taken away. Get her treatment..."
"I honestly don't think there's any treatment that will work. The only time that woman is lucid or honest is when she is drunk. Ben wants to get out, so badly... Sonia left when she was fifteen..." He stopped, shook his head. "Like I said, this is for me to sort out, to control. You need to get help, June. You need to talk to someone..."
"Just let me forget about it Jim. I CAN'T talk about it." She buried her head in her hands. "The whole thing was a nightmare... I just want to forget... I want to be able to sleep without reliving it, to close my eyes without him being there... I want it to go away."
"I know how that feels." Jim touched her back, gently. "I just want the last twelve months to go away..."
"If only we could wind back the clock."
"I'd go back to before the fire. Before I kissed you." Jim said softly. "That was the biggest mistake of my life."
"Thanks." June huffed and shook his hand off her back.
"I lost my best friend." Jim sobbed, turning away.
"You didn't lose me - you brought us closer together� closer than ever before."
"But I should have known... I've cursed you June, everything I touch turns to crap..."
"That's not true. You were the best thing to ever happen to me."
"And you were the best thing that ever happened to me, I just didn't realise it." He shrugged. "Maybe I deserve Marie."
"No one deserves that."
"No? I've ruined my life, I've ruined yours..." He shook his head. "If she wasn't taking it out on me I'd be taking it out on myself, I deserve it." He stood and headed for the door.
"Don't leave Jim... not like this." She looked up at him. "You didn't ruin my life... I did that myself when I decided to walk home alone. I should have known better."
"We could have had so much." He looked down at the floor.
"That's true... I ruined it by proposing to you. If you want to blame anyone blame me."
"No, June, stop it!" He spun around. "I did this to us! I should have said yes, I wanted to so much!"
"We were fine as we were. I should have left it - shouldn't have pushed you into it. If only I'd kept my mouth shut."
"June... please!" Jim sobbed, bringing his hands up to his head and tugging at his hair.
"It's true..." She sobbed.
"No... no....I can't do this...." He muttered. "I can't...."
"Can't do what?"
"Any of it." He shrugged, defeated. "Any of it."
"I'm sorry, June... I'm sorry for everything." He put his hand on the door handle. "You don't need me anymore."
"I need you more than you think." She muttered.
"No....you're better off without me." He nodded to himself.
"NO JIM!" June shouted.
"I'm sorry, June." He swallowed harshly, pulled the door open. "I love you, you know that..."
"Don't leave me here." She sobbed. "Please...."
"You don't need me." He repeated. "No-one does."
"I cant bear to hear you talk like this... Don't you think I've thought about ending it all?"
"No, you're strong, you'll get through all of this. Me...." He looked down, then up at her once more. "Goodbye June. Have a nice life." With that he turned and half walked, half ran from the room.
June stood up, followed Jim out of the room. "I won't let you do this."
"It's not up to you." He yelled back at her. "Just let me go." With that, he was gone.
on to Part 2