juliecentral - seinfeld

episodes

"Ya know, I don't get it. I'm not allowed to ask a Chinese person where a Chinese restaurant is? I mean, aren't we all getting a little too sensitive? I mean, somebody asks me which way is Israel, I don't fly off the handle."
- Jerry, in "The Cigar Store Indian"

"I always open medicine cabinets."
"I trust people not to do that."
"Big mistake!"
- Kramer and Elaine, in "The Conversion"

"No, I don't have a square to spare. I can't spare a square."
- Jane, in "The Stall"

"Mmm... I love this artificial flavoring. I like it better than butter. I think it's more consistent."
- Jerry, eating popcorn, in "The Stall"

"It's a different world when you're with a cool guy."
- George, in "The Stall"

"Ah, you're crazy."
"Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?!"
"It's impossible!"
"Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?!"
"It can't be."
"Can it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?"
"Alright, that's enough."
- Jerry and Kramer, in "The Stall"

"These pretzels are making me thirsty."
- Kramer, in "The Alternate Side"

"Can you die from an odor?"
- Elaine, in "The Alternate Side"

"Yankee beans, Yankee beans, I like my Yankee beans."
- Elaine, in "The Alternate Side"

"You know how the big toe is the captain of the toes, but sometimes the toe next to the big toe gets so big that there's a power struggle and the second toe assumes control of the foot."
"The coup de toe!"
- George and Jerry, in "The Tape"

"Elaine, have you ever gone out with a bald man?"
"No."
"You know what that makes you? A baldist."
- Jerry and Elaine, in "The Tape"

"You ever notice how happy people are when they finally get a table? They feel so special because they've been chosen. It's enough to make you sick."
- Elaine, getting very hungry, in "The Chinese Restaurant"

"It's not fair that people are seated first-come, first-serve. It should be based on who's hungriest. I feel like just walking over there and taking some food off somebody's plate."
"I'll tell you what, there's fifty bucks in it for you if you do it."
"What do you mean?"
"You walk over to that table, you pick up an eggroll, you don't say anything. You eat it, say thank you very much, wipe your mouth, walk away, I give you fifty bucks."
What are they gonna do?"
"They won't do anything. In fact, you'll be giving them a story to tell for the rest of their lives."
"Fifty bucks? You'll give me fifty bucks?"
"Fifty bucks. That table over there. The three couples."
"Okay, I don't want to go over there and do it and then come back here and find out there was some little loophole, like I didn't put mustard on it."
"No, no tricks."
"Should I do it George?"
"For fifty bucks? I'd put my face in their soup and blow!"
"Alright, alright. Here, hold this. I'm doin' it."
- Elaine, Jerry and George, in "The Chinese Restaurant"

"I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?"
- Jerry, in "The Chinese Restaurant"

"It's like they chopped off your arms and legs, dipped you in plastic, then screwed you all back together again and stuck you on a pedestal. It's really quite exquisite."
- Kramer, telling Elaine about her look-alike mannequin, in "The Pie"

"Did you just roll your eyes at him? Because let me tell you something. If anybody should be rolling their eyes, it is me, at him, about you."
- Elaine, to a rude store clerk, in "The Pie"

"I don't know about you, but I'm getting a hankering for some Doublemint gum."
- Jerry, to Elaine, after they steal her look-alike mannequin, in "The Pie"

"I don't even drink wine. I drink Pepsi."
"You can't bring Pepsi."
"Why not?"
"Because we're adults."
"You're telling me that wine is better than Pepsi? No way wine is better than Pepsi."
"I'll tell ya, George, I don't think we want to walk in there and put a big plastic jug of Pepsi in the middle of the table."
"I just don't like the idea that any time there's a dinner invitation, there's this annoying little chore that goes along with it."
"You know, you're getting to be an annoying little chore yourself."
- George, Elaine and Jerry, in "The Dinner Party"

"Oh look Elaine, the black and white cookie. I love the black and white. Two races of flavor living side by side in harmony. It's a wonderful thing, isn't it?"
"You know, I often wonder what you'll be like when you're senile."
"I'm looking forward to it."
"Yeah, I think it'll be a very smooth transition for you."
- Jerry and Elaine, in "The Dinner Party"

"The key to eating a black and white cookie, Elaine, is you want to get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate. And yet, still, somehow racial harmony eludes us. If people would only look to the cookie. All our problems would be solved."
- Jerry, in "The Dinner Party"

"For me to ask a woman out, I've got to get into a mental state like the karate guys before they break the bricks."
- George, in "The Phone Message"

"To cover my nervousness, I started eating an apple because I think if they hear you chewing on the other end of the phone, it make you sound casual."
"Yeah, like a farm boy."
- George and Jerry, in "The Phone Message"

"Instead of doing a wash, I just keep buying underwear. My goal is to have over 360 pair. That way I only have to do wash once a year."
- George, in "The Phone Message"

jerry seinfeld

With any kind of physical test, I don't know what it is, I always seem to get competitive. Remember when you were in school and they'd do those hearing tests? And you'd really be listening hard, you know?

I wanted to do unbelievable on the hearing test. I wanted then to come over to me after and go, "We think you may have something close to super-hearing. What you heard was a cotton ball touching a piece of felt. We're sending the results to Washington, we'd like you to meet the President."

Smoking is certainly one of the oddest and stupidest human idiosyncrasies. Why did anyone think a camel is a good product image for a cigarette? I think each one is the equivalent tar of smoking an actual camel.

I love the ad campaign they had a few years ago on their anniversay, "75 years and still smoking."

Well, not everybody. I think there might be a few empty chairs at that big birthday bash.

Maybe the appeal is the fire. There's something very scary and exciting about fire. People always run to see a fire. They're proud that they have a fireplace. This is what smoking is really all about. The power of "I've got some fire right here in my hand. Smoke and fire is
literally coming right out of my mouth." And it's very intimidating to the nonsmoker because it's like talking to someone who's going, "My head could open up, lava could explode out, pour right down my face,
doesn't bother me a bit." And the cigar is even worse. A cigar is like, "You think this end is scary, look at the wet, disgusting, chewed up nub."

Of course, everyone wants to be healthy. The amusing thing is no one's really sure how to do it.

I love to exercise, but I still have to laugh at it. You go to the health club, you see all these people and they're working out; they're training, they're getting in shape. But nobody's really getting in shape for anything. In modern society, you really don't have to be physically
strong to do anything. The only reason that you're getting in shape is so you can get through the workout. So we're working out, so that we'll be in shape, for when we have to do our exercises. That's comedy.

I am so tired of having to come up with another little outfit for myself every day. In fact, I will say this - and I think many people agree with me - I think eventually fashion won't even exist. I think someday we'll all wear the same thing. Because anytime I see a movie or TV show where there are people from the future or another planet, they're all wearing the same outfit. Somehow they all decided, "All right, that's enough. From now on, this is going to be our outfit. One-piece silver jump suit, with a V-stripe on the chest, and boots. That's it. We're going to start visiting other planets and we want to look like a team."

Women approach clothes from a different angle altogether. The other day I was watching women in a department store looking at clothes, and I noticed women don't try on the clothes, they get behind the
clothes. They take a dress off the rack and they hold it up against themselves. They can tell something from this. They stick one leg way out and kind of lean back. I guess they need to know, "If someday I'm one- legged at a forty-five-degree angle, what am I going to wear?"

I love the phone machine. I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to I could just go, "Excuse me, I'm not here right now. If you just leave a message, I can walk away."

I also have a cordless phone, but I don't like that much. Because you can't slam down a cordless phone. You get mad at somebody on a real phone, "You can't talk to me like that!" BANG, it's over. But a cordless phone - "You can't talk to me like that! All right now, let me just find that little thing to turn this off....Just hang on, I'm hanging up on you."

The down side of a message is it usually means somebody wants something from you. There's two types of favors, the big favor and the small favor. You can measure the size of the favor by the pause that
a person takes after they ask you to "Do me a favor." Small favor - small pause. "Can you do me a favor, hand me that pencil." No pause at all. Big favors are, "Could you do me a favor..." Eight seconds go by. "Yeah? What?" "...well." The longer it takes them to get to it, the bigger the pain it's going to be.

Humans are the only species that do favors. Animals don't do favors. A lizard doesn't go up to a cockroach and say, "Could you do me a favor and hold still, I'd like to eat you alive." That's a big favor even with no pause.

There's an entire industry of bad gifts. All those "executive" gifts, any stupid, goofy, brass wood thing, they put a piece of green felt on the bottom, "It's a golf-desk-tie-stress-organizer, Dad."

Nothing compares with the paperweight as a bad gift. To me, there's no better way than a paperweight to express to someone, "I refused to put any thought into this at all." And where are these people working that papers are just blowing right off of their desks anyway? Is their office screwed to the back of a flatbed truck going down the highway or something? Are they typing up in the crow's next of a clipper ship? What do you need a paperweight for? Where's the wind coming from?

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

The handicap parking spot is the mirage of the parking desert. You know the feeling. You see it in the distance, there it is. You can't believe your eyes, "It's too good to be true. A big, wide spot, and it's right by the entrance. Somehow everybody missed it." And then when you pull up, wait - it wasn't even there. There's nothing. It's like you were hallucinating. "I, I thought there was a spot there. I, I don't know what happened...I - "

What is the handicap parking situation at the Special Olympics? They must have to just stack like a hundred cars into those two spots. How else can they do it?

Many states in the country now have traffic school to get a ticket taken off your liscense. I went to traffic school, I didn't mind it. I felt bad for the traffic school instructor. This guy goes to traffic school every day no matter how he drives. What is his incentive not to
peed? He's going to traffic school anyway. Why not get a race car, do two hundred miles an hour down the street? Cop stops you,
"Where are you going?"
"Traffic school."
"All right, go ahead. And you better hurry, you really need it."

Maybe the punishment should be instead of traffic school or traffic court, just traffic. They sentence you to one hundred hours of traffic. They assign like five people to drive all around you at fice miles an hour wherever you go. You're on your way to Vegas, there isn't a car in sight, "Come on, move it!"

I'm on the plane, we left late, and the pilot says, "We're going to be making up some time in the air." I thought, "Isn't that interesting. They just make up time." That's why you have to reset your watch when you land.

Of course, when they say they're making up time, obviously they're increasing the speed of the aircraft. Now my question is, if you can go faster, why don't you just go as fast as you can all the time? "Come on, there's no cops up here! Nail it! Give it some gas! We're flying!"

There are different jobs for cops these days. It seems to me that Chalk Outline Guy is one of the better jobs that you can get. It's not too dangerous, the criminals are long gone - that seems like a good one.

I don't know who these guys are. I guess they're people who wanted to be sketch artists but they couldn't draw too well. "Uh, listen Johnson, forget the sketches, do you think if we left the dead body right there on the sidewalk, you could manage to trace around it? Could you do that?"

I don't even know how that helps them solve the crime. They look at the thing on the ground, "Oh, his arm was like that when he hit the pavement, that means the killer must have been....Jim."