5.07.01

Wow, Lot’s to tell you, yet almost nothing at all. i know it’s been quite awhile since i last wrote. it’s been hectic, but not really. kinda like hurry up, wait, hurry up wait. Well, where to start. hmmm... ok, i know. Unemployment is still pissing me off. i haven’t received one damn check yet. i’m so frustrated! anyhow, it should be here sometime this week or early next week, but i need the money now. oh, also.. i think i had a nervous breakdown on sunday. i was all worried about how i’m gonna pay rent, because i had to pay all kinds of bills with my rent money that i had totally forgot about. so, i was freaking out, and my mind was racing a million thoughts a minute. i decided to call j to see if he could calm me down and tell me to stop fucking worrying. well, that didn’t work.. actually, all it did was make me worry more. i called him and when he picked up the phone, all he said was, “goodbye” and hung up. i freaked, was he mad at me? wait, he couldn’t know it was me he doesn’t have caller ID. Maybe he was sleeping and the phone woke him up? well, i finally decided that he had no clue it was me, and he was just in a pissy mood and i wasn’t going to bother with him. i was in a bad enough mood already. then i was thinking about how i can’t find a decent job because i don’t have any real skills. I can’t get a real job because i have nothing nice to wear. I can’t get a real job because i don’t even have one nice outfit to wear to an interview let alone to work everyday. then i worried about worrying for another 1/2 an hour.

by this time so many thoughts of doubt were going through my head, i couldn’t stand it. i kept thinking about j, and why he hadn’t called me for the past 2 days, then how he hung up on me.

how i’m never gonna find a nice job because i wasted my life at the dog track. about how i haven’t had a pain pill in a good week and a half

about how i bounced a check at wal-mart 7 months ago, and now they want to send me to a class and make me pay an extra $1oo for it.

about how that class is in Grand Junction a good 5 hour drive away. about how i won’t have enough money to rent a hotel to spend the night up there so i’ll have to leave at 2 in the morning just to get there in time, and leave right after the class is over and not get home until 1 the next morning

about how i have to pawn everything i own just to pay half the rent

about how i’m gonna have to give up this computer next monday because i can’t afford the payments anymore

about how much i’m gonna miss writing in the journal

about how there’s no way in hell i can afford a mother’s day gift, or a birthday present for my mom or j (who’s birthdays are the 23rd and 26th respectively)

about everything!

i swear one of these days i’m gonna die from an aneurysm with all the worrying i do. so, with all of this on my mind, i decided to go for a long drive. i didn’t know where. all i knew was that it better be somewhere i can stay for awhile, because i can’t pay for the gas to get back. there was a place in colorado springs where i used to go to relax and to just clear my head. it was a road that overlooked the whole city, and it was so peaceful. especially on a night where the stars are out. so..with the hope of having enough gas to get there and then back to my mother’s house, i was off. i decided to try to drown out my sorrow with upbeat songs instead of all the slow sad songs i usually listen to. i popped in the violent femmes and i was off. i sang with the music the whole way, i honestly didn’t care if i looked like an idiot. fuck everyone. i got to the site about 10:30 at night. aah, finally peace and quite, far away from everyone. i sat there along time trying to figure out what i was gonna do with my life. infact, i cried for a good 1/2 an hour to an hour. it felt good, i needed the release. you know, crying actually does make you feel better sometimes. i seem to be feeling sorry for myself alot lately, and i need to get over it. i’m even sick of all the whining. as, i’m sure you are. sorry for the horrid writing, it’s not even close to making sense. in fact, if you got this far, i’m very proud of you. nighty night ~julie