5.09.01

wow, i just whined and whined my way through that last entry. sorry. i think i’m much better now. on tuesday, i went out with my mother to go look for some clothes to wear to a decent job. she bought. (i love my mommy, she’s always there when i need her and i love her for everything she’s ever done) i actually got a skirt. if you knew me you’d be shocked. i think the last time i’ve owned a skirt was when i was eleven. i despise dresses and the such. i’m such a tomboy. anyway, i really liked it on me. amazing! i was so psyched to tell j about it, but alas he has cut off contact again for whatever reason. he’s been quite pissy lately. he called on monday, and we talked for awhile. he was sorta weird on the phone. i asked what was wrong and he told me i was kinda annoying him (which i understood, because i was halfway drunk and on xanax). so i told him i’d let him go. he said he’d call me later. and that was that. i’ve promised myself i’m not going to over-analyze it. and it’s taken all my strength, and a hand full of xanax, but i’m not gonna. in fact, he hasn’t called me since, and i’m not gonna worry about it. i’m sick of worrying. i’m sick of trying to be the perfect girlfriend. i’m sick of a lot of things, and i’m not going to let me put myself down again. i try so damn hard with j. and, sometimes, i just don’t get it. what more can i do to make him happy? why doesn’t he try as hard at making me happy? why am i always the one who has to try? i’m sick of hoping every car that drives by is his, and i’m sick of hoping every time the phone rings it’s him. damn it, now i’m analyzing and crying. OK, i’m gonna stop. really, i am. so, tuesday was pretty much a great day. i stopped at the rest stop on the way home. there was a cute little (umm, not really little) cow with his head stuck through the fence. so, me being the sucker for animals that i am, went and petted him. i got all sad for a minute thinking about how someday soon he’s gonna be someone’s burger, but life goes on. i got a coke from the vending machine and i was on my way home. nothing could get me down damn it, i wasn’t gonna let anything get me down. maybe i should think that way more often. julie