4.27.01

a young girl e-mailed me the other day asking me about when i lost my virginity, why and how. at first i was shocked and appalled. then, after thinking about it for a day, i realized i’m open about everything else, why not? i mean, it is an important part of my life, and i’m sure she’s not the only one who would benefit from reading it. so..here it goes. it was memorial day of last year (yes, i was a virgin for 20 years of my life...shocked?) i had seen many of my friends who were in relationships that went bad when sex was introduced. i wanted to lose my virginity to someone who i loved..someone who loved me..to mr. perfect...doesn’t every one? actually, sex didn’t cross my mind often. it was just something that other people did, something that fucked up other people’s lives, not mine. why would i want to ruin my life like that? besides, pregnancy and STD’s weren’t exactly on the top of my priority list. well, when i met J all of those completely rational and sane thoughts flew right out of my head. like i said, it was memorial day. i had known J for almost 6 months, but it seemed like less. we got along great, he worked with me at the track, he was friends with my friends and vice versa..everything was peachy. i could picture J as more than just a friend, but i had trouble picturing him thinking of me as more than just a friend. i had noticed he acted differently around me, but i never gave it a second thought. we were at our friends’ house...and were the only one’s still awake. we started playing poker for shots..which was amazingly my idea, not his. i was losing by about a half of a bottle of puerto rican rum. when suddenly J starts pouring his heart out (which i’m sure was liquor induced) about how he’s been thinking about me lately, and how he thinks we’d be great together. after a few minutes, i told him i’d been thinking the same things. it made me feel great to get all of this out in the open, especially since i wasn’t the only one with these feelings. we made plans to go out the next day and that was that. or, at least i thought it was. J and i decided we’d drank enough for awhile and went out to watch TV in the living room. it wasn’t long before we were kissing. J asked if i was tired and wanted to go to bed (i know...how cheesy was that?) with all the liquor that was in me..i decided it was finally time to lose my virginity. for some reason instead of all those morals and thoughts that were in my head earlier in my life...my reasoning's now were...”i’ve known him for six months, that‘s long enough”...” i like him, he likes me...that’s good enough”.... ”you’ve been a virgin for 20 years, that’s long enough” “you’re never gonna find mr. perfect, what are you waiting for?”.... “everyone else has done this, it can‘t be that big of a deal“...“why the hell am i doing this?” hmmm, why the hell was i doing it? i don’t know..i’m positive it had something to do with the liquor, but i had been drunk before (a lot worse than this) and i never caved in to temptation. in fact, i’ve been a lot more wasted and had a lot of other chances to sleep with guys i had found attractive. i’ve had chances to sleep with guys when i wasn’t wasted. what the hell makes him different? it’s the only thing i still can’t figure out. why J? the only thing i could come up with is fate. it’s the only explanation i could put to my erratic thoughts and feelings. so, back to the story. we get into the bed..which strangely enough we had shared before (these parties happened often, and we were frequently too drunk to drive..with only one bed and one couch in the house..we were often paired together in this bedroom) but something was different about tonight, obviously. i felt nervous and excited all at the same time (i felt nauseous too, but i’m pretty sure that was the rum) J was really caring, and wanted me to feel comfortable with everything. we started off just kissing and then moved on to the touching and sex. i prepared myself for the worse, everyone that i had talked to told me to expect pain..(except for my best friend, she told me it didn’t hurt at all..but i was going with the majority here) J was gentle and took his time. it only hurt for a few minutes...then it started to feel good. actually it started to feel extremely good. except there was one point in time i think i hurt his feelings. the radio was on in the background and right as we began to have sex for the first time, i began laughing. the song in the background was the doobie brothers “jesus is just alright with me” and i just found it too ironic. maybe it was just a way of releasing my tension, but i couldn’t help it. J sorta freaked out and kept asking what was wrong. he finally calmed down after i explained it, but i still think it bruised his ego a bit. as i look back on it now, i think i would rate it as one of the best times we had sex. we were at it (you know...trying all kinds of sex) for hours. we didn’t go to sleep that night, instead we stayed up and watched the sunrise. it wasn’t exactly what i had been picturing for years, but somehow.. in some weird way, it was better. and every time i hear “jesus is just alright with me” i still smile.