And Yet My Life Goes On....
Ok... I hate my dad, thats all... I fucking hate him... plus Im having a break down.... Ive havent had a girlfriend for a year.. a fucking year! I have no life! And for crying out loud, NO BODY FUCKING LIKES ME!!!!!! I go to school, do my work, and hide in my little world of Final Fantasy 11.... god.... why do you give me a fucked life.....
Its 8:08pm now, 10/8/03
The break down is still going on... memorys of last year is still going through my my head...fuck I still remember the promises that we made to each other... FUCK I FELT SO ALIVE THEN! WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!!!! ahh shit... ok well, thats out of me.... and I still cant find anyone to call my own... Im so fucked... Ive messed with so many people last year... I wish I didnt.. I knew it was wrong... but I still did it.... why did I fucking do it?! I hate being a male... so fucking blind of what is right and wrong.... my penis gets in my way! >< FUCK I HATE MYSELF!
Its 8:52pm now, 10/13/03
I cant seem to get over this break down... what really sucks is that at the same time, Im have a reality check... both are bad apart, but together its making my life a living hell... I push myself... thinking that I wasnt good enough for her.... so Im trying to make myself better... and so far, that isn't working..... I cant seem to stay on task either... I wonder on my own world and wonder why the fuck Im still alive.... I should of been dead from the last time I was hit by a car (mind you, Ive been hit by 8). And all I got was a broken bike! Something is keeping me here and I want to shot it!
It's 9:26pm now, 10/16/03
My friend(aka:Hellsing) is having a birthday party tomarrow, I have been invited and had forgoten to get him a gift. I have to stop at the store tomarrow and get him a card or something. I burned him a game and a cd of songs that I would like him to hear.
For the first time in my websites history, an upside!
Aurora is now talking to me again! It feels going knowing that I do have someone to talk to... but its going to take some time to get over the rift that I have made between the both of us....
It's 9:35pm now, 10/30/03
Ok well, Im sorry for not posting for the past week or so, but iRO, Gunbound, and my life have been getting in my way. Things where going up untill (everyone hold your breathe) my past came and bit me in the butt. What I did to this one girl finally came back through her friend, and I have been feeling it all the way up the ass. But every hit and cut and nut crushing feeling I get is my punishment for my man hood going, "Alright man! go for it!" God how stupid can us men be?
Well, tomarrow is halloween, Im going as a monk and my friend is going a nun that I knocked up. Where going to have some fun at school tomarrow, I know we are!
Its 8:00pm right now, 11/4/03
Today I went on a feild trip to the Gette, for some reason, I just couldn't keep myself in line... the smell in there....it reminded me of my ex in her... ya area.....
I just couldn't shake the idea of her in my head.... oh god.... the way we where in love... that smell.....
And the worse part was that I was being a total ass today also by hanging on all the girls and everything I promise myself not to do. Im so fucking mad at myself and my friends where also mad at me too. They wont say it but I know they are..... My past is still coming to bite me in the butt! This is just one of the things that happen! And one of the girls that I miss treated is getting to me through another friend, and I allow her to hit me. I truely do.... I need to get beaten into a bloody poulp. My life needs to end, so I dont hurt anyone else...
Its 11:25 am right now, 11/28/03
Im sorry for not updating in a while, my internet has been taken away for bad grades and Ive been spending time with the sweetest, cutest, lovable woman anyone will ever meet. God it hasnt been even 24 hours and I miss her already.
We have are little wars on who loves who more. But I know I will win =)
There has only been like 2 people who ever got close to my heart, and shes on of them. Im working on getting me and her to go to the mall and get pictures of ourselfs. I love her very much and cant stop thinking of her.
Oh and I now know that Aurora hates my guts. There is no other reason why she wont look at me, or even say hi to me. I'm going to give up... Im fighting a losing war with her.