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"How to Write a Talk in 12 Easy Steps"

by John Payne

Fall 1999

Step One: Panic

This is the most important step. If you do not panic, you might actually write and present an good talk, a talk which would make you seem spiritual, thoughtful, insightful, charming, and witty, but at the same time, very humble and down-to-earth. But in the end, a good talk will only bring you trouble. You will stick out. People will start calling on you in Sunday School when no one else has anything to say. The bishop might want you to speak again. You might get called to a teaching position of some kind. And if you do a really good job, you might get asked to do firesides for stake youth conferences or something. Horrible. You don't want that.

So, instead of trying to write a good talk, just relax and follow the twelve easy steps outlined here and deliver a talk that is truly awful. Consider the benefits. Most of the congregation will sympathize with you and even feel sorry for you. The bishopric may never ask you to speak in sacrament meeting again, or at least not for a long time. Best of all, no callings that involve teaching! Not bad, eh? Plus, a really bad talk will help you become more humble, and isn't that what service in the church is all about? Remember: humiliation is the road to humility. Embarrassment is the cost of personal growth.

So, panic. Work yourself into a good frenzy. Anticipate failure. Think about how many people will be there to listen to you stutter and mispronounce. Feel your palms getting sweaty. Taste the discomfort. Visualize a crowded chapel, filled with people you know. If you think it will help, pretend a general authority will be in the congregation. (Hey, you never know, right?)

You'll know you're getting in the right frame of mind when you have begun to fervently hope that you will get hit by a bus or come down with a horrible tropical fever so you would be unable to present the talk. Think to yourself: "I can't do it."

Step Two: Make a List

However desperately you want to avoid the talk, you will have to face it sometime. And the best way to face anything is by making lists, as Steven Covey has taught us. So, make a list of ideas for your talk. If you're really lucky, the bishopric won't assign you a topic, and you will get to talk about whatever you want. Here is a list of possible topics I made the last time that happened to me:

• Why I don't read the Bible

• Urim & Thummim throughout the ages: How to get your own personal seer stone

• Adam-God Theory and You

• How to become bishop without really trying

• Catholics: Just plain abominable

• Works! Not grace!

• "Only in Times of Famine"� the true meaning of the Word of Wisdom

• I'm koo-koo for Kokaubeam! Astrology in Abraham 3

• Show me the money: Careers in Priestcraft

• Why my mom should have the priesthood

• Spirit Fluid: What is it?

• Parasites for missionaries

Step Three: Throw Away Your List

So now you've got your list of ideas. Throw it away. Forget Steven Covey and all those anal-retentive goons. Who needs a list? Lists are for sheep! Baaa! Baaa!

This goes for day-planners and PDA's, too. Smash your Palm Pilot! Burn your Franklin! Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery! When are my appointments? What day is it? Who cares! Liberate yourselves, my brothers and sisters! Freedom is at hand!

Throwing away your list (and your planner) may worry you a little. Calm down. It's okay. You don't need that list. Chances are, nothing you've thought of is worth talking about anyway.

Step Four: Procrastinate

Sit back. Relax. That talk is DAYS away. Practically forever. You probably won't even have to give it. There might be an emergency stake conference. Or maybe a blizzard. Or an earthquake. Or maybe Chieko Okazaki will be visiting that day and the bishop will cancel all the other speakers so she can have plenty of time to share her wisdom with the ward.

The key thing to remember on this step is that you must not prepare. Don't even think about it, if possible. If you ignore it, it will go away. Doesn't it say in the scriptures that with faith the size of a mustard seed you can move mountains? So have faith. Believe with all your might that you will not have to give this talk. That day will never come. Don't worry, be happy.

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