HOUSE OF PAYNE INTERNATIONAL: Archive
The Archive: Plays
"Red Light, Green Light: A fairy tale bedtime story"
by John Payne and Frank McIntyre
April 1997
Red Light, Green Light:
a fairy tale bedtime story
This story is dedicated to the memory of Carrie Nation, a woman who was not afraid to stand up and hack things into pieces with an axe for her beliefs.
Originally performed by The Apartment of Doom Players for the girls of the Copa Cabana in April 1997.
Cast of Characters
in order of appearance
NARRATOR...........Little Ricky Nelson
RINALDO...............John-John Walton
REUBEN..................Drew Barrymore
SOCK PUPPET REUBEN.......Andy Griffith
WITCH.......Dennis the Menace Mitchell
BABE.............Luscious Lucius Brown
TOM CRUISE..............Frankie Avalon
Producer: Frank Laurence Olivier
Director: Andrew Carnegie Mellon
Script: Painful Johnny with help from Frank You Very Much
Casting: "Rowdy" Roddy Piper Griffard
Gaffer: Luke Skywalkenhosenpants
Key Grip: Mikey Likes It
Best Boy: Enrique Iglesias
Scene 1: "Perfect Tommy"
[In front of the curtain, extreme stage left, is a podium. The NARRATOR emerges from behind the curtain, carrying a large book. He places it on the podium and opens it, as if to read.]
NARRATOR: Once upon a time, there were three musketeers named RINALDO and REUBEN.
[The curtain opens on a forest scene complete with a gingerbread house slightly to stage left. RINALDO and REUBEN stand slightly to stage right and make deep gentlemanly bows to the audience.]
RINALDO: Greetings and salutations. I am RINALDO and these are REUBEN.
REUBEN: Hi.
SOCK PUPPET REUBEN: Hi.
NARRATOR: These three valiant musketeers lived in a magical faerie castle in an enchanted forest on the moon and over the rainbow 20,000 leagues under the sea. Also in this enchanted forest, over the river and through the woods, just about a half mile past El Dorado, in this best of all possible worlds, there was a wicked WITCH from the West who lived in a gingerbread house.
WITCH [coming out of the gingerbread house]: Actually, being male, I would more accurately be referred to as a �warlock.' Thank you. [Stands with the musketeers and bows sweepingly.]
NARRATOR: Now, the last few summers had been tough for the enchanted forest folk, because of a prolonged legal battle with a logging company owned by a big blue ox of a lumberjack named BABE, who wanted access to the enchanted old growth forest, which was a protected wilderness area.
BABE [Comes out from amidst the trees and stands opposite the musketeers and the WITCH.]: As founder and CEO, I want to tell you that BunyanCo is an environmentally responsible corporate citizen. We practice renewable logging, plant two trees for every old-growth tree we cut down, and put fifteen percent of our profits into local recycling enterprises. [Bows stiffly.]
NARRATOR: In fact, BABE was so intent on winning this case that he hired TOM CRUISE, who has played many talented young lawyers in successful movies like The Firm and A Few Good Men to head up his legal team.
TOM CRUISE [Enters from stage left to stand next to BABE.]: Hi, I'm TOM CRUISE. Feel free to remark on my clean-cut good looks and charming, boyish smile. [Bows charmingly.]
NARRATOR: For a long time, the enchanted forest folk were able to fend off the litigious forces of darkness, because the WITCH�
WITCH: �warlock�
NARRATOR: �turned all the witnesses into toads. After a while, BABE had no one left to subpoena.
BABE: Of course, as a responsible corporate citizen, BunyanCo and its third-world subsidiaries categorically object to the obstruction of justice, especially through violence or sorcery. Naturally, we searched for peaceable means to resolve this deplorable conflict.
NARRATOR: And so BABE sent TOM CRUISE to get the WITCH to switch sides.
TOM CRUISE: Having played tough, sophisticated secret agent Ethan Hawke in the high-octane blockbuster thriller Mission: Impossible, I am well versed in seduction, bribery, and other unscrupulous subversion tactics. Off I go to the WITCH's gingerbread house.
WITCH: Warlock.
[BABE exits stage left. RINALDO and REUBEN exit stage right. The WITCH re-enters the gingerbread house. TOM CRUISE and the NARRATOR remain in their places.]
Scene 2: "Good Witch Hunting"
TOM CRUISE: [Goes to the door and rings the doorbell.] Ding-dong!
WITCH [from behind door]: Who is it?
TOM CRUISE: Avon, except much more handsome and talented.
WITCH: Is that the voice of Hollywood super-hunk TOM CRUISE I hear? [Opens the door and comes out of the gingerbread house.] Wow! This is the most exciting celebrity encounter I've had since the time Greg Kinnear visited my salon! [TOM CRUISE smiles winningly.] Mr. CRUISE, before I buy whatever product it is you are selling, I just want you tell you that I have always thought Days of Thunder is a tragically underappreciated film.
TOM CRUISE: Before you get too excited about purchasing something from me, let me be up front with you, as are many of the characters I play in box-office hits too numerous for me to count!
WITCH: Thank you, American math teachers.
TOM CRUISE: I'm not from Avon, and I'm not here to sell you overpriced cosmetics.
WITCH: That's too bad, because, although I am a man, which, might I add, makes me a warlock, I find you charismatic and appealing and therefore as a consumer am highly vulnerable to your product endorsements.
TOM CRUISE: Thank you. But, as I said, that's not what I'm here for. I'm here as a representative of BunyanCo; I've been sent by them to neutralize you.
WITCH: Wow! Am I ever flattered!
TOM CRUISE: Let me start with a threat. Although you may most associate me with such crowd-pleasing wholesome roles as Jerry Maguire, you should remember that I have also played such ruthless, frightening, and diabolically handsome villains as the vampire Lestat in the neo-gothic horror film Interview With a Vampire.
WITCH: Wow again. I am terrified beyond these words.
TOM CRUISE: So, are you ready to switch sides yet, or should I seduce you?
WITCH: Are you still in the threat part?
TOM CRUISE: Call it what you want. So, what's it going to be?
WITCH [considering]: Well... Now that I think of it, I haven't been really wicked in ages. Maybe it's just the thrill of coming face to face with the star of Far and Away, but I think I'm ready to join the forces of evil.
BABE [entering from stage left]: Instead of the forces of evil, think of it as �the forces of unabashed capitalism.'
WITCH [drapes his arms conspiratorially around the shoulders of BABE and TOM CRUISE]: You know, now that we're all on the same side... You know, I was a hair stylist before I was a warlock, and Babe, let me tell you, if we did something just a little more George Clooney with your hair, it would really help your look.
BABE: You really think so?
WITCH: Oh yes, it's very 90's.
[BABE, the WITCH, and TOM CRUISE exit stage left]
Scene 3: "Dr. Sockpuppet, or, How I learned to stop worrying and love the Tom"
NARRATOR: With both the wicked witch�
WITCH [offstage]: �warlock�
NARRATOR: �and hunky Hollywood leading man Tom Cruise on his side, BABE knew he couldn't lose. Naturally, when this new plot development came out in the narrative exposition immediately preceding the next scene, the three musketeers knew that they needed a plan.
[The musketeers enter from stage right.]
RINALDO: We need a plan!
SOCK PUPPET REUBEN: We could set fire to the forest!
[RINALDO and REUBEN exchange looks of disbelief.]
REUBEN: Sorry, he gets excited...
RINALDO: I think what we really need is a way to neutralize the WITCH�
WITCH [offstage]: �warlock�
RINALDO: �before she turns us all into frogs.
REUBEN: I like frogs.
[WITCH enters the scene from stage left.]
WITCH: Actually I was thinking that just for variety I would change you all into unabashed capitalists. You know, in celebration of my recent switch.
REUBEN: Aw, dang... I wanted to be a frog.
RINALDO: What kind of a lousy actress are you?? You're not even in this scene!!
WITCH: Sorry, I get excited... [WITCH exits through the door of the gingerbread house.]
SOCK PUPPET REUBEN: Okay, new plan... We need to find and neutralize the main driving force behind BABE's attempt to put us out on the street...
RINALDO: Well, what is the driving force? Unscrupulous corporate disregard for other's needs?
REUBEN: An irrational hatred of trees?
RINALDO: Too many Ayn Rand books?
REUBEN: Sore hoof?
RINALDO: Poor plot development?
REUBEN: Upset tummy?
SOCK PUPPET REUBEN: All wrong. The keystone, the linchpin of BABE's scheme is his key operative. You may remember him as Top Gun's "Ice Man."
RINALDO: Val Kilmer?
SOCK PUPPET REUBEN: Er, no. I mean, "Goose."
RINALDO: What? Goose? Who played Goose?
SOCK PUPPET REUBEN: Er, "Maverick."
REUBEN: James Garner? Mel Gibson?
SOCK PUPPET REUBEN: No, you idiot! TOM CRUISE!
REUBEN and RINALDO [together]: Oh, yeah, I knew that...
RINALDO: REUBENs, that's a great idea! But how can we neutralize him?
REUBEN: What about... a bomb?
RINALDO: That would never work. An accomplished actor like TOM CRUISE would smell a bomb threat a mile away.
SOCK PUPPET REUBEN: I've got a better idea. How about we find a beautiful but perhaps not-so-talented young actress to seduce TOM CRUISE and have her plant a bomb on him.
RINALDO: That idea has real potential, but who could we get? What woman is there who is beautiful, yet, not-so-talented as an actress?
REUBEN: Jennifer Love Hewitt?
RINALDO: Sarah Michelle Gellar?
REUBEN: Alicia Silverstone?
RINALDO: Pamela Anderson?
REUBEN: Elle McPherson?
RINALDO: Rachael Leigh Cook?
WITCH [coming back out of the gingerbread house]: That one girl from "Friends"?
BABE [entering from stage left]: Drew Barrymore?
NARRATOR: The Spice Girls?
RINALDO: Keanu Reeves? [Looks of surprise abound.] Sorry, I know he's not an actress, but he's so bad!
SOCK PUPPET REUBEN: Although all these women and Keanu Reeves fit the bill, I think we need to keep in mind that we are working on a fairly limited budget and, perhaps somewhat more damaging, we are an all-male acting troupe.
[BABE and WITCH exit together stage left.]
RINALDO: What about the WITCH?
SOCK PUPPET REUBEN: I'm not sure...
WITCH [storms back on the stage angrily]: Warlock, warlock, warlock!
[The three musketeers give him a withering stare, and the WITCH meekly exits.]
SOCK PUPPET REUBEN: Look, here's what I was thinking: although TOM CRUISE has been seduced by dozens of dazzling young starlets in his many memorable motion pictures, he has never yet had a love scene with a SOCK PUPPET!
REUBEN: Gasp! That's crazy!
RINALDO: But...maybe just crazy enough to work. Think of it�a challenge no aspiring actor could pass up!
REUBEN: Great biscuits and gravy! What a stroke of genius!
Scene 4: "Socks, Lies, and Videotape"
NARRATOR: SOCK PUPPET REUBEN's brilliant plan was risky, but with BunyanCo's bulldozers poised on the brink of the enchanted forest, there was no time to waste. And so, with speed like the rumor of a new presidential sex scandal, the three brave musketeers invested in a blonde wig and put their daring plan into action.
TOM CRUISE [locked in an embrace with SOCK PUPPET REUBEN, who is disguised in a blonde wig]: SOCK PUPPET Girl, having seen me in sizzling scenes of unbounded passion in such romantic classics as Legend, Jerry Maguire and Cocktail, you probably expect to remember this moment for the rest of your life.
SOCK PUPPET REUBEN [in falsetto]: Will I, Tommy?
TOM CRUISE: Well... Yes.
SOCK PUPPET REUBEN: Oh Tommy!
TOM CRUISE: Oh, SOCK PUPPET Girl...
SOCK PUPPET REUBEN: Tommy, although at this moment I am so dazed by your unbelievable good looks that I find it hard to think properly, there's something I want to tell you.
TOM CRUISE: Tell me, SOCK PUPPET Girl.
SOCK PUPPET REUBEN: I just put a bomb in your trousers.
TOM CRUISE: [distressed] Nooooo!
SOCK PUPPET REUBEN [no longer in falsetto]: Red light! Green light!
[A massive explosion rocks the stage, smoke fills the theater, and the curtain descends.]
Scene 5: "The Man in the Iron Puppet"
NARRATOR: When the dust cleared and the scene change became imminent, it became apparent that with TOM CRUISE, the sensational entertainer who has taken America by storm, out of the way, the three bold musketeers were ready for a final confrontation with the forces of unabashed capitalism.
[Curtain rises. The musketeers stand stage right, opposite BABE and the WITCH.]
BABE: Wretched, cursed, bad, bad, bad three musketeers! As a responsible corporate citizen, BunyanCo is deeply committed to revenge! How dare you throw the proverbial monkey wrench in my unabashedly capitalist scheme! And I would have got away with it, too, if it hadn't been for you meddling kids!
WITCH: You bad boys! You naughty musketeers! How dare you blow up Oscar winner TOM CRUISE, that captivating and powerful stage presence! And such a looker, too!
RINALDO: Silence, WITCH!
WITCH: Waaaarlooooooock! [Collapses in anguish.]
RINALDO: Listen up, bourgeoisie pig! We've had just about enough of your imperialist big-business tyranny! You profiteering robber barons have no regard for the unempowered masses! You ravage our mother earth, you destroy our children's environmental heritage, and you recklessly produce garbage like Titanic! You monsters! You maniacs!
BABE: We are a responsible corporate citizen! We only give you what you pay for! And if that includes Leonardo Di Caprio, so be it!
SOCK PUPPET REUBEN: But did you have to give us Kate Winslet? Why not Helena Bonham Carter? And why haven't we seen more of Meg Ryan?
BABE: I've listened long enough! Arise, WITCH!
WITCH [groaning]: ...war...lock...
BABE: Arise and slay these men!
WITCH: I hear and obey. So let it be written, so let it be done.
TOM CRUISE [bursting in on the scene from the door of the gingerbread house]: Not so fast!
RINALDO: What?! Although you are a versatile and therapeutic thespian, you were very thoroughly killed in the last scene. As I recall, you had a bomb in your shorts.
REUBEN: It blew up.
TOM CRUISE: Call this a sequel.
[Universal groans.]
SOCK PUPPET REUBEN: Hello, Tommy. Miss me?
TOM CRUISE: What? SOCK PUPPET Girl! You, you, you're a...
SOCK PUPPET REUBEN: ...a sock.
BABE: Enough smoochie-woochie talk! I want these men dead!
TOM CRUISE [pointing an accusing finger at the rest of the cast in turn]: You used me. You seduced me. You blew me up. I think I'm entitled to something.
BABE: What do you want?
TOM CRUISE: I want the truth!
All: [in unison] You can't handle the truth!
WITCH: I can't stand it any longer! The name-calling, the endless bickering, the utter lack of motivation, plot, and character development�it's like being on Friends. I'm going to end this all right now. Frogs, frogs, you're all going to be frogs! [Pauses.] Except for you Mr. Cruise. And might I add right now, that as a warlock and Viet Nam vet, I really loved you in Born on the Fourth of July.
RINALDO: Quickly, REUBEN, take out the witch while she's distracted by Tom Cruise�one of America's favorite movie stars since 1987, when he captured our hearts in the sensitive and thought-provoking classic Rain Man.
[Scene dissolves into violence and the curtain closes again.]
Scene 6: "Rinaldo and Reuben are dead"
NARRATOR: At this point, we thought about finishing up in the great tradition of Shakespearean comedy by revealing that about half the cast were women in disguise and marrying off the whole lot, but instead we decided to kill everyone.
[Curtain opens upon BABE and RINALDO.]
BABE: He is justly served. It is a poison temper'd by himself. Exchange forgiveness with me, noble RINALDO. Mine and my father's death come not upon thee, nor thine on me.
RINALDO: Heaven make thee free of it. I follow thee. I am dead, Horatio. [to WITCH] Wretched Queen, adieu! ...Horatio, I am dead. ...O, I die Horatio.
[BABE and RINALDO die.]
[WITCH and REUBEN enter from stage right. WITCH gives himself a paper cut.]
REUBEN: Courage, man�er, WITCH, woman, er, war� er... whatever; the hurt cannot be much.
WITCH: No, �tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-door; but �tis enough, �twill serve: ask for me to-morrow, and you shall find me a grave man�er, WITCH�er... warlock. I am peppered, I warrant, for this world. �A plage o' both your houses! Zounds, a dog, a rat, a mouse a cat, to scratch a man to death! A braggart, a rogue, a villain, that fights by the book of arithmetic! ...Help me into some house, REUBEN, or I shall faint. �A plague o' both your houses! They have made worms' meat of me: I have it, and soundly, too. �Your houses!
[WITCH dies. REUBEN stabs SOCK PUPPET REUBEN.]
SOCK PUPPET REUBEN: Et tu, REUBEN? Then fall SOCK PUPPET Caesar.
REUBEN [tenderly]: Caesar, now be still: I kill'd not thee with half so good a will. [Runs himself through with his own sword.]
NARRATOR: A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse! [Dies.]
TOM CRUISE [Enters scene from stage left.]: Uh... Uh... What was all that? [Looks around uncomfortably.] No, uh, co-star for me to kiss? No sunset to ride off into? [Checks watch.] Uh... Look, I really have to go. Late for a lunch date with my...agent. [Steps over bodies.] Excuse me. [Walks out through gingerbread house door. Close curtain]
The End
That's all, folks! That's the whole thing. But I would welcome your comments if you have any. Or if you want to check out the original script, my old buddy Frank McIntyre has it posted on his web page . Just click on the link that says "crime against art."
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