HOUSE OF PAYNE INTERNATIONAL: Archive
The Archive: Essays
"Communists in our Midst"
by Johnsky Davidovitch Payneov
Originally published in NC-17, May 12 1996
It has come to my attention that there has been a recent "gap" in so-called "conspiracy theories." With the OJ trial over, Reagan out of the picture, and no Oliver Stone movie in the theaters, there has been a drastic and alarming drop in measurable levels of mistrust, suspicion, bigotry, in-fighting, back-biting, and hasty generalizations. This trend must not continue.
To fill the gap of speculation and accusation, I now present to the world a new conspiracy theory: Canada is a communist country and in league with the Soviets. To illustrate and explain this point, I will now share with you a number of well-documented suspicious coincidences.
1. Fact: Canada is cold. Russia is cold.
2. Fact: Canadians love hockey. Russians also love hockey.
3. Fact: Canada borders Alaska to the east, while Russia borders Alaska to the west. Coincidence? I think not!
4. The Canadian colloquialism "eh?" is in fact a Russian word, meaning, "Isn't that right, comrade?"
5. Canadians love to ski. Many Russian names end with "-sky." THIS IS A WELL-DOCUMENTED, SCIENTIFICALLY RESEARCHED, STATISTICALLY PROVEN FACT!
6. Try, if you will, to explain away the "coincidence" that the well-known "red spot" on Premier Gorbachev's head is an exact copy of a map of Canada! And it is located on the spot on Gorbachev's head corresponding to Canada's position on the globe. Can this be a fluke?
7. Canadians drink beer, Russians drink vodka, but they both contain alcohol. Two countries, two drinks, but only one key ingredient! It's almost too obvious!
8. The Canadian "maple leaf" is oddly shaped like a red star. A little fishy, wouldn't you say? And what lies behind those RED curtains on either side of the so-called "leaf"? Why, a hammer and a sickle, of course. It's an indisputable truth. Check it on any Canadian flag.
9. Royal Canadian Mounted Police "Mounties" wear RED jackets.
10. In a recent article in Conjecture Weekly, Dr. Emil Langerhans revealed this peculiar fact: the first two words in the Canadian national anthem ("O Canada"), when strategically rearranged spell out the phrase "On a canad," which is strangely like "canard," which is French for "lie." Now, what well-known ethnic minority resides in Canada? The French! Can't you see? This is absolute incontrovertible, authenticated, verifiable fact.
11. Additionally, France (original home of the French Canadians) is a well-known Communist country. Every year, they celebrate "Red Menace Day" on March fourth, the birthday of Karl Marx, who was born in a small village outside of Montpelier, France.
12. There is some evidence of a secret underground tunnel from Edmonton to St. Petersburg, running directly underneath the Arctic ice sheet. If so, this mammoth undertaking would dwarf the "Chunnel." But, of course, what country is connected to England by this Chunnel? France! And where did those French engineers gain their expertise in underground tunnel-building? Building the Edmonton-St. Petersburg subway! (Remember, the French have connections with both Canada and Russia.)
Now, the FACTS are enough to frighten any defender of democracy. Can they all be mere happenstance? Are all these coincidences owed to random chance? Only the Kremlin knows for sure.
But this much I know� the NHL is establishing footholds in the U.S.; many Canadian actors and celebrities (double agents?) are gaining widespread acceptance and trust; the communist sports of hockey and snowboarding are migrating south; and too many Americans sit complacent while our president continues to smooch up to our "neighbors" to the north.
Now is the time to be vigilant. Be ever watchful and wary of the creeping red menace at our doorstep. Beware the moose.
I wrote this as a missionary for the Haglund cousins' newsletter, NC-17. A few months later, I turned the essay into a play ( "Beware the Moose" ) for my creative writing class. If you got a kick out of the essay, you might want to check out the play. Or, on the other hand, maybe the play won't do anything for you since you've already read most of the jokes. Hmmm.... Now, if you found the logic of this essay compelling, here's a website you probably ought to check out. But whatever you thought about this essay, please drop me a line and let me know what you think.
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