"The Joketender"
Page full of recent jokes and other cool stuff, poetry, weirdness you may have missed...
(See? I do care about my readers...)
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Archived by: "The Joketender"
The doctor's office...
An older man goes into his doctor's office. The receptionist asks him what the problem is. The old guy replies quite bluntly, "There's something wrong with my penis!"
The receptionist said, "Sir, don't be so forward with your problems like that, it embarrasses the other patients".
The guy says, "What do you expect me to say, there is something wrong with my penis!"
The receptionist tells him, "be discreet, say there is something wrong with your ear or something, then tell the doctor your problem when you see him".
The old guy leaves the office and returns an hour later...
Again, the receptionist asks him what his problem is.
The old guy replies, "I can't pee out of my ear!"
"I'm going to the doctor's":
An old man in his eighties gets up and puts on his coat. His wife asks him, "Where are you going?" To which he replied, "To go see the doctor." His wife asked, "Why, are you sick?" he replied, "No, I'm gonna get me some of those new Viagra pills."
His wife gets up out of her rocker and puts on her coat. The old guy asks her, "Where do you think your going?" To which she replied, "I'm going with you!" He asked, "Why, are you feeling sick?"
His wife said, "No, I'm not sick, but if you're gonna be using that rusty old thing, I'm gonna get me a tetanus shot!"
A trip to the drugstore;
A guy walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist where the tampons are. The pharmacist directs him to aisle 4.
The pharmacist watches as the man approaches aisle 4, pauses, then turns and goes in another direction. Minutes later, he comes to the checkout with some toilet paper and some cotton balls.
The pharmacist asks the man, "Excuse me, it's none of my business, but you asked where the tampons were, and now you come to me with toilet paper and cotton balls. Why?"
The man responds: "Well, last night I sent the old lady to the store for a carton of cigarettes, and she brought me a tin of tobacco and some papers. Tonight, I figure she can roll her own!"
The doctor's office #2...
A man tells his doctor, "Doc, you have to help me. I've been under a lot of stress lately and I find that I'm losing my temper very easily".
The the doctor says to his patient, "So tell me about your problem".
The patient replies, "I just DID, you fucking idiot!!!"
Gay Bob...
Gay Bob goes to his doctor and has some tests done. His doctor comes back and says, "Bob, I am not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS."
Gay Bob is devistated and asks, "Doc, what can I do?"
The doctor says, "I wasnt you to go home and eat five pounds of Polish sausage, a head of cabbage, twenty unpeeled carrots drenched in hot saucem, ten Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts, a pound of salted peanuts, half a box of Grapenuts cereal, and wash it all down with prune juice.
Gay Bob asks, "Will this cure me?"
His doctor replies, "No, but it will give you a better understanding of what your ass was meant to be used for!"
I'll figure out links for tese guys sooner or later!!!
And they will be FUN!!!
Adam speaks to God:
So God asked Adam, "What is wrong?"
Adam said, "I don't have anyone to talk to, I'm lonely!"
God tod him that he would make him a companion and it would be a woman. God said, "This person will gather food for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you have a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "Just what will a woman like this cost me?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
The rest is history...
How babies are made:
One day, a five-year-old girl excitedly approached her mother and announced that she knew how to get a baby. The mother was amused and said, "Oh, really? Why don't you tell me about it."
The little girl explained, "Well, the mommy and the daddy take off all their clothes, and then daddy's wiener stands up. Then the mommy kneels down on the floor and puts daddy's wiener in her mouth. Then daddy's wiener sort of explodes and makes some sticky juice. The mommy swallows the sticky juice, and that's how you get babies."
The mother looked lovingly at her daughter, leened over to meet her eye to eye and said, "Oh honey, that's sweet, but that isn't how you get a baby. That's how you get jewelery!"
Okay, one more:
Two Casino dealers:
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a Craps table. A very attractive lady comes up and wants to bet $5,000.00 on a single roll of the dice.
She says to the dealers, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel luckier when I gamble completely nude".
With that she strips naked, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs new clothes!" Then she hollers, "YES!, YES!, I WON!, I WON!"
Then she starts jumping up and down and hugging the dealers. She picks up her winnings and clothes, then leaves the table.
The dealers just stare at each other looking dumbfounded. Finally one asks the other, "What did she roll anyway?"
The other dealer replied, "I thought you were watching!"
Who stole my bike?:
Two priests were having breakfast one day. One said to the other how distraught he was that someone had stolen his bike.
He asked for advice and the other priest told him to give a sermon on the 10 comandments. When he gets to the commandment 'Thou shalt not steal', look around for anyone who looks guilty.
A week later the two priests were having breakfast again and the priest who had his bike stolen was asked if he had found it.
"Sort of," he said, "When I got to the, 'Thou shalt not commit adultary' part, I remembered where I had parked my bike!
Okay, one more:
The meaning of Indian feathers;
A reporter was diong a documentary on the customs of American Indians. He was curious as to the meaning of how many feathers they wear in their headdress.
The first person he asked had only one feather, and he asked why?
The brave responded, "Only have one woman, only one feather".
The second brave he asked had two feathers and told the reporter, "Me have two women, so two feathers".
He asked the cheif why he had so many feathers and the cheif told him, "Me chief, me sleep with 'em all. Big, small, fat, tall. Me sleep with 'em all!"
The reporter said, "You must be hung!"
The chief yelled, "You damn right. Me hung, like buffalo, long like snake!"
The reporter cried, "You don't have to be hostile, chief!"
The chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style, me sleep with 'em all!'
The reporter cried, "Oh dear!"
The chief said, "No deer. Ass too tight, run too fast!"
Olympic style birth control:
One day, a man bought a new brand of condoms and brought them home to his wife for a suprise.
His wife asked him, "What is so special about these condoms?"
The guy replied, "They are Olympic condoms. They come in Gold, Silver and Bronze, Honey!"
His wife asks, "What color do you plan on using tonight?"
He proudly answers, "Why, Gold of course!"
His wife suggests, "Why don't you try Silver instead? It would be nice if you didn't come first, once in a while!"
The Texas tornado:
Q: What do a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce have in common?
A: In both cases, your bound to lose a trailer!
Yeeeeee Hah!!!
The Urinal Joke:
An accountant, a lawyer and a Redneck are all taking a leak side by side at a public washroom...
The accountant finishes first and proceeds to thoroughly wash his hands and dries them with about twenty paper towels. He then tells the other two,"I went to Penn. State University, and they taught us to be very clean". Then he leaves the washroom.
The lawyer finishes his leak next and very quickly rinses his hands and dries them with a single paper towel. He then tells the Redneck, "I went to the University of Colorado, and they taught us to be friendly to the environment". Then he leaves the washroom.
After the Redneck finishes his whiz, he zips up his fly and heads out the washroom door. He sees the other two guys outside and says, "I went to the University of Arkansas, and the first thing they taught us was how not to piss on our hands!"
The Redneck Wedding:
A young Arkansas couple get married. On their wedding night they are in bed ready to consumate their marriage. Before they begin, the bride announces to her new husband that she is a virgin and to be gentle, she has never been with a man before.
Confused, the groom gets out of bed, puts on his clothes, and runs like a mad man home to his parents place. He grabs his dad and asks him, "Dad, what do I do with my new wife? She just told me she was a virgin and has never been with a man before!"
His father replied, "Son, you did the right thing leaving her. If she ain't good enough for her own family, then she definitely ain't good enough for my son!"
The Final Exam:
A High School class was told that for their final exam, they would have to prepare a hand written ten page essay as part of the exam. The teacher told the class that this would be worth 50% of their mark and the only accetable reason for not producing this essay at the exam time would be for medical reasons and they would need a doctor's note.
Johnny, one of the student jumps up and asks the teacher, "What about severe sexual exhaustion? Does that qualify?"
The whole class laughed their heads off at Johnny's response.
The teacher replied to Johnny, "I'm sorry, I can't accept that excuse! You'll just have to learn how to write with your other hand!"
The Panhandler:
A bum asks a guy on the street if he can spare $2.00.
The guy asks the bum, "What do you need it for, booze?"
The bum replies, "No, I don't drink".
Then he asks the bum, "What are you out of smokes?"
The bum tells him, "I don't smoke!"
The guy says to the bum, "I know what you want it for! You want to play the Pro-line on the Super Bowl, Don't you?"
The bum says, "I'm not much of a sports fan and I don't gamble!"
The guy makes the bum an offer... "Can I take you home to my place for dinner? I want to show my wife what a man looks like that doesn't drink, smoke, watch football or gamble!"
February 20, 2003.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff"
"Mariah Carey"
January 29, 2003.
"Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something."
"Plato"
Another visit to the doctor:
A redneck takes his daughter to the doctor's for a check up. The doctor asks to examine her alone. When he returns, he asks the father if his daughter is sexually active.
To this the father replied,"Hell no! My daughter ain't sexually active. She just lays there on her back, just like her mother does!!!"
January 28, 2003.
"Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut, that held its ground."
"David Icke"
A Yule time chess joke
Two chess enthusiasts check into a hotel near Christmas time and were standing by the Christmas tree in the lobby discussing their strategies and latest victories.
After about an hour, the manager tells them they have to leave
"But why?" they ask.
"Because", the manager replies. "If there's one thing I can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!"
January 20, 2003.
"Strange times are these in which we live, when old and young are taught in falsehood's school.
And the one man that dares to tell the truth, is called at once, a lunatic and fool..."
-- Plato
January 28, 2003.
"You have just destroyed one XQJ-37 nuclear powered pansexual roto-plooker... And now you are going to have to pay for it!"
"Frank Zappa" R.I.P.
Click here for 20 pages full of Frank Zappa quotes, lines and sayings.
A Jean Cretien Joke
Jean Cretien's chauffer was driving him out in the country when they pass a farm. A pig jumps out infront of them and they run it over. The driver doesn't feel good about it and figures the least he can do is go tell the farmer what just happened.
Two hours latter he comes back to the car where Jean has been waiting for him. The chauffer has a big smile on his face and has a bottle of wine with him and is smoking a big cigar.
Cretian asks, "What the hell have you been up to?"
The driver says, "Man, these country folk are so friendly. When I told them about the pig, they invited me inside, gave me wine, fed me dinner, gave me cigars and insisted I make sweet love to their beatiful daughter!"
Cretien says, "Just what did you say to those people?"
The limo driver replied, "I told them I was Jean Cretien"s chauffer and I just ran over the pig and he's dead!"
January 22, 2003.
"640K ought to be enough for anyone."
"Bill Gates" 1981.
* "Underground" is the only word in English that starts and ends with "und".
* Most snakes have only one lung. If they have two, one is usually much smaller. This is apparently to allow room for other organs in their higly-elongated bodies.
* A type of jellyfish found off the coast of England is the longest animal in the world.
* Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr are the only two Beatles "left", and they are the two "left" handed Beatles.
* There are more beetles than any other species of animal on Earth.
* Stag beetles have stronger mandibles than human.
* A lady bug (a beetle) is considered to be, pound for pound, the most veratious carnivor on Earth.
* Smelling bananas and/or apples can help you loose weight.
* You burn more calories digesting cabbage than it contains.
* You will burn about 7% more calories walking on hard dirt than pavement.
* Clinophobia is the fear of beds.
* The metal part at the end of a pencil is twenty percent sulfur.
* The average iceberg weighs twenty million tons.
* Vanilla Ice's real name is Robert Van Winkle.
* The dial tone of a normal telephone is in the key of "F".
* The foundations of some Great European cathedrals go down so deep, they often exceed the mass of the structure built above ground.
* On average, men can read fine print much better than women.
* Most women can get down on their knees, touch both elbows to their knees with their hands together, extend their index fingers and touch the tip with their nose. Most men can't.
* Rats multiply so rapidly that in 18 months, a male and female could manage to produce more than a million decendants.
January 22, 2003.
"I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else that has ever happened, and vice versa..."
"Frank Zappa" R.I.P.
January 18, 2003.
"A kitchen in every pot. I mean a pot in every -- I mean a chicken in every..."
Yet another lovely thought from:
"George W. Bush"
January 13, 2003.
"You wouldn't worry so much about what other people think of you if you knew how little they did..."
Yet another lovely thought from:
"The Joketender"
* The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave it to Beaver". Wally and Beaver had a baby alligator which they kept in the toilet.
* Boris Karloff is the narrator of the seasonal television special "How the Grinch Stole Christmas".
* Christmas day, December 25th, is not necessarily Jesus' birthday. It was selectected for several reasons. One being he was suppuosedly circumsized 8 days after birth, so they made his circumsizion day the first day of the new year. Another reason has something to do with the fact that December 25th is when the earth is furthest away from the sun in its orbit around.
* Certain frogs can be frozen solid then thawed, and continue living.
* A standard grave is 7' 8" x 3' 2" x 6'.
* Chewing gum while peeling onions will help keep you from crying.
* Refrigerating an onion before you peel it will help keep you from crying.
* A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
* Many species of birds copulate in the air. In general, a couple will fly to a very high altitude, and then drop. During their descent the birds mate. Sometimes the couple gets too involved in the act, and "SPLAT!"
* Cheryl Ladd (of Charlie's Angels fame) played the voice, both talking and singing, of Josie in the 70's cartoon 'Josie and the Pussycats'.
* Ballroom dancing is a major at Brigham Young University.
* The pet farret (Mustela Putorias furo) was domesticated more than 500 years before the house cat.
* If a female ferret goes into heat and cannot find a mate, she could die! (Are you reading this Cutiebum?)
January 17, 2003.
"If you commit suicide, you're missing a very big part of your life!"
Yet another lovely thought from:
"Brooke Shields"
January 12, 2003.
"Whenever I see all those poor starving children in the world, it makes me sad. I mean I'd like to be skinny and all that; but with all those flies and stuff, I don't know?"
Yet another lovely thought from:
"Mariah Carey"
* 49.6% of U.S. residents live in the Eastern time zone. 29.3% live in the Central time zone. 5.3% live in the Mountain time zone. 15% live in the Pacific time zone. .8% live in any other time zone.
* 5% of Canadian residents do not know the first & words of Canada's national anthem, yet they do know the first 10 words of the American national anthem.
* Until prohibition, Schlitz Breweries owned more real estate in Chicago than ayone else except the Catholic Church.
* Chicago has the highest Polish population in the world next to Warsah.
* Crows have the largest cerebral hemispheres, relative to body size, of any avian family.
* No normal sized sheet of writing paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
* Oysters can change from one gender to another, and back again.
* Your ribs move about 5 million times a year. Every time you breathe.
* America once issued a 5-cent bill.
* 100 years ago, the U.S. had about 8,000 automobiles and only 144 miles of paved road to drive them on.
* Before Newfoundland became part of Canada, they once had a 3-dollar bill.
* One in every four Americans has appeared on television.
* When you flip a Canadian coin it is slightly more likely to land tails up, as the side with the Queen on it is a tiny bit heavier. About 5 times in a 1,000...
* Animals that lay eggs don't have belly buttons.
* Lightning strikes about 6,000 times a minute on this planet.
* It takes a lobster approximately seven years to grow to be one pound.
* There was never a single pony in the Pony Express, only horses.
* The longest time someone has typed on a typewriter continuously is 264 hrs., set by Violet Gibson Burns.
* A canton is the blue field behind the stars in the sky.
* There is no such thing as a naturally blue food, even blueberries are purple.
* West Virginia is the only state in the union without a natural lake.
* According to a recent survey, more Americans lose their virginity in June than any other month.
* Columbia University is the second largest land owner in New York City, after the Catholic Church.
* 100 years ago the population of Las Vegas, Nevada was 30 people.
January 28, 2003.
"Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world."
Yet another lovely thought from:
"Dave Barry"
* Termites have been found to eat through wood twice as fast when they are listening to Rock or Heavy Metal music.
* Hamsters are vegetarians, but they love to eat crickets and male hamsters will eat their own young at birth if they are with the mother at the time.
* Your ribs move about 5 million times a year. Every time you breathe.
* America once issued a 5-cent bill.
* 100 years ago, the U.S. had about 8,000 automobiles and only 144 miles of paved road to drive them on.
* Before Newfoundland became part of Canada, they once had a 3-dollar bill.
* One in every four Americans has appeared on television.
* When you flip a Canadian coin it is slightly more likely to land tails up, as the side with the Queen on it is a tiny bit heavier. About 5 times in a 1,000...
* Some carnivores, rodents, bats and insectivores have a penis bone called a baculum.
* There are more plactic pink flamingo lawn orniments in the U.S. than there are real live flamingos in the world.
* There are more than one million animial species on Earth.
* The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue.
* Today's cattle are decended from two species: wild aurochs -- fierce and agile herd animals that populated Asia, North Africa and Europe -- eotragus -- an antelope-like Asian forest creature.
* Montana mountain goats have been known to butt heads together so hard that their hooves fall off.
* Spider monkey's love banana daquiries.
* A polar bear's skin is actually black. Their hair is hollow and acts like fibreoptics, directing sunlight to warm their skin.
* The wor rodent comes from the Latin 'rodere' meaning to gnaw.
* Bill Gates once said that 640KB of memory on your computer, ought to be enough for anybody. This was back in 1981, how far we've come...
* No normal sized sheet of whiting paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
* Oysters can change from one gender to another, and back again.
* 100 years ago, the U.S. had about 8,000 automobiles and only 144 miles of paved road to drive them on.
* One in every four Americans has appeared on television.
* When you flip a Canadian coin it is slightly more likely to land tails up, as the side with the Queen on it is a tiny bit heavier. About 5 times in a 1,000...
* Captain Kirk never once said, "Beam me up Scotty" on Star Trek. Many times he has said, "Beam me up Mr. Scott", but never the line he's famous by many for.
* There are 63,360 inches in a mile.
is so ugly, she had to get you drunk first before she could breast feed you!
January 23, 2003
is so ugly, she looked out the window and was arrested for mooning!
January 10,2003
is so scanky, she looks like she has Don King in a leg hold!
January 15,2003
is so ugly, your daddy's breath smells like shit because he'd rather kiss her ass!
January 22, 2003
armpits are so hairy, it looks like she has Buckwheat in a head lock!
January 14,2003
teeth are so yellow, traffic proceeds with caution when she smiles!
January 12,2003
is so ugly, she could turn Medusa to stone!
January 18,2003
is so fat, the last time she went to Sea World, she left with a paycheck!
January 21,2003
is such a glutton, her cereal bowl came with a life guard!
January 26, 2003
is so scanky, she looks like she has Don King in a leg hold!
January 11,2003
is so stupid, she thinks an inuendo is anal sex!
January 17,2003
is so fat, when she walks the CD player skips, at the radio station!
January 20,2003
is so ugly, her psychiatrist makes her lie face down on the couch!
January 28, 2003
is so hairy, you almost died of rug burn at birth!
January 16,2003
is so fat, she's got shock absorbers on her toilet seat!
January 13,2003