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The Joke Page Brought to you by: "The Joketender"

The number of folks, that fell for my jokes! >>>-------->

Dumb Jokes Yup!  I got lots of em!

^^My "FUN"^^ page!!!

"Joketender's" last update:  Sept. 6, 2004

Hi, folks.  This is where I list any new jokes I hear.  Please do send me any good ones you hear, or come up with yourself.  I am always open for a good laugh.  As this list builds up, and I certainly hope that it will, I will do my best to categorize and sort them out.  I'll start out with a few of mine, and as I come up with more, I'll continue to add.

A real cool quote I found by:  Chris Rock "You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of being arrogant, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerfull men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick' and 'Colin'.  Need I say more?"

Here we go, I hope I offend everyone equally.  I am not a predjudice person.  I try to piss off everyone the same.  As I say, this is only the beginning, and I hope the humor never ends... Q:   Did you hear about the black guy that opened a Taco Bell franchise? A:   He renamed the place "Nacho Mamma!" Q:   How do you know that a blonde girl is having a bad day? A:   She has a Tampon tucked behind her ear and she can't find her pencil! Q:   What is the difference between a blonde girl and the Titanic? A:   We know how many men went down on the Titanic!      An elderly lady went into a biker bar and demanded to speak to the leader of the gang.  A big hairy, bearded guy gets up and asks her what she wants.      She tells him, "I wanna join your gang!"      The biker asks her, "Do you got any tattoos?"      She replies, "Of course I do!  And shows him that both of her arms are just covered in them."      He then asks her, "Do you have a leather jacket?"      She tells him, "It's outside on my Harley!"      He shakes his head and thinks for a second.  Then he asks, "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz before?"      She responds, "No. not yet...  But I have been slung around by the tits a few times!" Q:  Why are Monica Lewinski's cheeks so puffy? A:  She's witholding evidence. Q:  What is the diference between Harley-Davidsons and Hoover Vacuum cleaners? A:  The dirt bag is in a different location. Q:  Why did God give men penises? A:  So they'd have something to shut their wives up with. Q:  Why do big shot Texas millionaires like women with big breasts and tight pussies? A:  Because they have big mouths and small dicks! Q:  What is Afganistan's National bird? A:  A duck. Q:  What do Osama Bin Laden and General Custer have in common? A:  They both stood around wondering where all those tomahawks were coming from. Q:  Why do breasts have nipples? A:  Otherwise, they'd be pointless! Q:  Why do driver's ED classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Monday, Wednesday and Friday? A:  Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the car is being used for Sex ED classes. Q:  What is the definition of macho? A:  Jogging home from your own vasectomy operation. Q:  What is the difference between light and hard? A:  A man can sleep with a light on. Q:  Why did the U.S. Army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf for Operation Desert Storm? A:  Because they fought like animals and retained water for four days! Q:  What is worse than a dead dog on your piano? A:  An infected pussy on your organ. Q:  Mother's have Mother's Day and father's have Father's Day.  What do single men have? A:  Palm Sunday! Q:  Did you hear that Lorena Bobbit got into a car accident? A:  Some dick cut her off! Q:  What is the difference between being married to a Catholic woman and a Jewish woman? A:  A Catholic woman has real orgasms and wears fake jewelery! Q:  What is the definition of conceited? A:  Screaming your own name when having an orgasm! Q:  What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? A:  Beer nuts are $1.25, but deer nuts are always under a buck. Q:  What is the difference between a white gerbil and a brown gerbil? A:  The white gerbil got away. Q:  What is the difference between a counterfeit dollar bill and a skinny woman? A:  A counterfeit dollar bill is a "PHONEY BUCK"! What is the difference between going to a hockey game and going to your High School reunion? A:  You go to a hockey game to see some "FAST PUCKS"! Q:  What is the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom? A:  A pickpocket "SNATCHES WATCHES"! Q:  Why is it that men do all the thinking and women do all the talking? A:  Because men are born with two heads and women are born with two sets of lips! Q:  What do you call two lesbians in a canoe? A:  Fur traders! Q:  What does a seventy-five year-old fat woman have between her breasts? A:  Her navel! Q:  How do you know you are in a tough lesbian bar? A:  The balls are missing from the pool table! Q:  Why does it seem that Mad Cow Disease hits mostly women and not men? A:  Because women are cows, men are pigs. Q:  Did you hear about the Polish guy who traded his wife for an outhouse? A:  It had a smaller hole, and it smelled better. Q:  Why did the black guy rent a tuxedo for his vasectomy? A:  "If I'm gonna be impotent, I wanna look impotent!" Q:  What do you call a lesbian from the Yukon Territory? A:  A klondyke.  Told to me by a lesbian, from the Yukon.  Thank you Julie. Q:  How many Italian guys does it take to get a woman pregnant? A:  Eleven.  One to have sex with her, and ten more to stand out front of the coffee shop and brag that they had sex with her too. Made up one day by and Italian friend one day, while having coffee with me one day.  Oddly enough, at an Italian cafe I used to live upstairs from.  Thank you George. Q:  Why are a womans breasts like an electric train set? A:  They were both intended to be used by kids, but most of the time, daddy plays with them. Q:  Why do you see so few black nuns? A:  Because they have such a hard time saying the word superior after the word mother. Two Russian guys were sitting at a bar shootin' the breeze.  One says to the other, "tonight, I'm going out with a twelve year old girl, and later on, I'm going to perform oral sex on her."  His buddy turns around and says to him, "twelve years old?  She doesn't even have hair on her pussy yet!"  The first guy strokes his beard and replies, "Ah, she will have hair on her pussy tonight. One of the first jokes my grandfather told me.  May he rest in piece, he was the first person to tell me a joke that my dad slapped me for telling him after. Q:  What is the difference between kinky and perverted? A:  Kinky is arousing your partner in bed with a feather.  Perverted is using a live chicken! Q:  How do you make your wife scream twice? A:  Have anal sex with her, then wipe it on the curtains. Q:  Did you hear the song Elton John brought out, after the whole world found out he was gay? A:  A classic re-make:  "Don't let your son go down on me!" I heard this one from the guitarist at a "Rare Breed" gig.  Thanks Dave, I've gotten many a dirty look from this one. Q:  What is the difference between the Backstreet Boys, and a Taco Bell fart? A:  Six months later...  The Taco Bell fart will still have some staying power. Likely my most famous joke yet.  Ed the Sock used it on his show after I told it to the guy who sticks his hand up Ed's ass, when I met him on the subway. Q:  How do you clear out a room full of Scotsmen? A:  Send in a minister with a collection plate. Q:  What is the difference between a woman and an asshole? A:  About 1 inch. Q:  What is a battered woman supposed to do when she leaves the shelter? A:  Her husband's laundry, then cook dinner if she knows what's good for her. Q:  How do you know that Adam was a white man? A:  Have you ever tried to take a rib off a black guy? Q:  Why did the sexual deviant cross the road? A:  His penis got stuck in the chicken. Q:  What do you call a dozen Chinese guys, an Italian and four black guys standing on your front lawn while your sprinkler is on? A:  chink, chink, chink, chink, chink, chink, chink, chink, chink, chink, chink, chink, WOP!, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger Q:  What happened to the Jewish guy who woke up in the middle of the night with a hardon? A:  He walked into a wall, and broke his nose. Q:  Sally Ride was the first woman in space, then the shuttle exploded and she died.  What colour were her eyes? A:  One blew left and one blew right. A young guy walks into a bar and orders ten shots of Tequila.  The bartender says, "You must be celebrating something?"  The guy says, "Well, nothing special, just my first blow job."  The bartender says, "your first blow job?  Congradulations, let me buy you another shot."  The guy says, "that isn't nessessary, if the first ten don't kill the taste in my mouth, I don't think one more will." Q:  Did you hear about the gay couple that died together and wished to have a funeral together? A:  They were cremated together and then the ashes were put in the same fruit jar. Q:  What do you call a lesbian with six fingers? A:  Well hung. Q:  What do Osama Bin Laden and old dirty pantyhose have in common? A:  They both can really irritate a Bush. Q:  Why do women have butt cheeks? A:  So they can sit down and shut the f**k up when you tell them to! Here is one of the best little lines I've heard in a movie.  It's said by Matthew Broderick in Ferris Beuller's Day Off.  I think it's a pretty good way to tell someone how cheap they are. "He's so tight, if you shoved a lump of coal up his ass, he'd make you a diamond! Q:  How do you clear out a room full of Scotsmen? A:  Send in a minister with a collection plate.

Real bumper stickers, found on real cars: *Horn broken.  Watch for finger! *Your kid might be an honors student, but your still an idiot. *All generalizations are false. *Cover me, I'm changing lanes. *I brake for no apparent reason *I brake for tailgaters *Out of mind.  Back in five minutes. *I'm not as think as you drunk I am. *Forget about World Peace...  Visualize your turn signal. *We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart? *He who laughs last, thinks slowest. *It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you! Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.  Dorothy. *Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. *Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. *If you're close enough to read this, you're close enough for me to slam on my brakes and have you charged.

Here is a section I'm reserving for reasonably clean and funny jokes that aren't likely to offend anyone.  Well, anyone with a sense of humor anyway. Q:  How many Chinese people does it take to change a lightbulb? A:  Thousands, because Confusious say, "Many hands make light work." Q:  Did you hear about the Irish race car driver? A:  I n his last race he had to make seventy-five pit stops. Three for fuel. Four to change the tires. Sixty-eight to ask for directions! I need more clean and tasteful jokes.  If you know of any good ones, I'd love to hear them.  The real funny stuff I'll gladly put up on my site for the world to enjoy.  And I will certainly give you full credit for your laughs...  Thank you,  Blair B. Stobie, "The Joketender!"

He said, she said jokes! He said:  "I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it!" She said:  "You wear briefs, don't you?" She said:  "What are you doing coming home half drunk?" He said:  "It's not my fault I ran out of money at the bar!" He said:  "Since the first time I laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way." She said:  "Well, it looks like you've succeeded He said:  "Two inches more, and I'll be the King!" She said:  "Two inches less, and you'll be the Queen!" On the wall of the ladies room was written:  "My husband follows me everywhere." Below was written:  "I do not!" He said:  "Shall we try switching positions tonight?" She said:  "That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board and I'll lay on the couch and fart." A priest said:  "I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband." She said:  "Who's looking?" He said:  "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I've been giving you?" She said:  "Turn sideways and look in the mirror!" He said:  "Let's go out and have some fun tonight." She said:  "That's a good idea, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on!" He said:  "Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?" She said:  "I would, but you're never there!"

Get a load of this one!     October 10, 2003 My monkey joke!!!    A guy goes into a bar with his pet monkey and orders a beer.  As he's drinking it at the bar, the monkey starts running around the place.  The monkey jumps up on the pool table and starts dancing around, then picks up the cue ball, puts it in his mouth and swallows it whole.      The bartender freaks, and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?  He just put a cue ball in his mouth and swallowed it!"      The monkey's owner says, "Yeah, and I hope he chokes on it and dies!  That little bastard never behaves himself in public.  I can't take him anywhere!"      The guy finishes his beer and leaves with the monkey...      Two weeks later...      The guy returns to the bar with the monkey and orders a beer.  This time while he's drinking it, the monkey jumps up on the bar and starts acting up.  The monkey grabs a peanut, shoves it up his ass, pulls it out, then eats it.      The bartender is disgusted and says, "That's sick!  Your monkey just put a peanut up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it!"      The monkey's owner responds, "Yeah, what did you expect?  After that cue ball, he measures things before he puts them in his mouth!!!"

That's it, that's all folks!  If you got any good ones, send 'em on in...

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