since Sept. 8, 1998.
since Sept. 8, 1998.
Most important to your daily life as a disciple was to get more members, to evangelize. Everyday we were expected 'to evangelize to the lost;' and everyone was 'lost and miserable.' This was preached to us all the time. How women would fall asleep at night lonely and afraid, distraught in their daily living. We were told how to go after the women who would lead God's Kingdom.
Since I was a friendly person who truly enjoyed meeting and getting to know people, I was perfect for this. I felt so guilty when I did not want to turn to the next person beside me on the train, store, on the street, or bus and talk to them about God and the church. I found myself 'selling' my beliefs as if I was a homeless person begging for money. I was begging for someone to come to church with me every week, I rarely had the opportunity to truly 'share my faith.' Who can truly share their faith in a ride on a train or bus? It was always about how many you could get to church with you on Sunday anyway. But I began to hate 'selling' my faith. And, unless there were members around, I did it randomly, when the mood hit. Getting a minimum of 5 to 10 phone numbers a day can be (oops!) IS down right exhausting. Members are expected in some cases to meet and get phone numbers of a minimum of 100 people a week (this would be a typical challenge to Bible Talk leaders.) How can you truly get to know people, love them and be sincere when you are churning out invitations, insincere friendliness and smiles like a machine? Even this made me feel guilty, I felt like selfish scum because I didn't have the energy after little sleep, exhastive work day and usually activities during the evening after work. Works and deeds was suppose to produce some kind of weird repentance in the kingdom of God. Not in the Bible I read everyday.
When I began to really question my dedication to the organization was around the time I was asked to sing for a huge Women's Day event. Thousands of women would be invited and participate in the Day. It was always held at a large civic center or hotel. It was considered to be a very important yearly event and besides recruiting heavily, performing was a prestigious thing. I auditioned and was assured that I was on the program. This also included my Disciplining Partner. We were both excited about being a part of this. Then one day, after Sunday service, I was informed that my DP would not be on the program because she was too large/fat "to represent the kind of professional women they wanted to attract to this event." My response was: 'if you feel this way about *Karen, then I KNOW you don't want me a part of the program.' I was informed that that was also the case. I was also a big woman. They encouraged me to pray about it and to realize it wasn't my talent that was in question but my large size or "MY OBVIOUS debaucheries NATURE or SIN" that kept me from performing. They gave me scriptures and sent me on my way. Unfortunately, I had a delayed reaction to the whole thing. I was in shock. I was basically being told I was too fat for public performance. Plus, Karen, my DP, had not been told yet. I informed her before anyone had a chance to tell her. She was very upset and so was I. I felt ugly, fat and angry. But I stuffed it, thinking that God was trying to tell me something and teach me about my sins.
After becoming a Bible Talk leader, I figured a lot of my concerns would be ironed out. But I began to see more and more cracks in the perfect Kingdom armor. I began to go to meetings after meetings after meetings, hours upon hours of discussions on how to manipulate members and new recruits into "doing the Lord's will." It all seemed innocent at first but it became obvious that when I had a group of women who weren't spiritually doing well (in other words, recruiting enough people for Sunday service or studying the Bible), it was my responsibility to report to the large Discipline Group that they weren't doing well and why; sometimes in embarrassing detail. This was all usually without the knowledge or permission of the person I was disciplining.
Everyone of the leaders, especially the Sector Leaders, wrote it all down and 'prayed' for these people. But I never felt safe to discuss things with people, there were no real secrets or privacy. You never knew who knew all your 'business.' Everything was manipulative and delegated manipulatively. It began to rub me raw and I knew if I said a thing, I would have been the one found struggling and persecuted.
What I use to hate the most in Disciplining Group meetings was being told to evangelize to more women who would lead the kingdom. We were specifically told nicely, NOT to share with people who were "high maintenance." In my personal interruptation, they did not want more single mothers or non-professional women/people "weighing the church down." In some of these meeting, some people spoke out about how this was NOT Christ-like. The comments that were made by leadership was "we can't have just a few people who can be financial supportive in the church. We need more professional, sharp people who will not be lazy..." Sharp always meant to me physically attractive and approachable by worldly standards. Ironic, isn't it?
Needless to say, I wasn't a Bible Talk leader for long. I never divulged information from my group of women that was too personal or at least never without their specific permission. Being a disciple had begun to feel like a full time job, but being a Bible Talk leader definitely was too demanding. On top of working 9 to 5, I was praying at 6 a.m. everyday with someone, studying the Bible with anyone until late at night or/and looking for that "Ethopian enuch" in bookstores, shops, trains, buses, and streets of Manhattan. It was a tiring job and expensive.
Between travel expenses and dining out way too often and taking the slack of other disciples when they were too broke for a token, took its toll on my purse. Not to mention, every week giving contribution of at least 10% of my earnings. Special contribution came once a year, usually in the early part of June, and was 16 to 17 times 10% of members earnings. This could definitely break a person in half if you were even remotely trying to save money. Needless to say, I never had any. Money was never a loud issue, but when it was lacking leaders would pour on the guilt about how other churches in third world countries were literally going without food and other necessities for special contribution. "We are a first world nation, we need to sacrifice and be true disciples."
But we were always reminded that Jesus did it, that he would have been doing it if he was physically here in Manhattan. We were trying to be like Jesus, so we must never stop, we must do all he did and even more. We must be like Jesus. But usually it meant that we only stopped when we were too physically exhausted or too ill to go out and do it. I can remember times when I would try to get a cold or keep one so that I wouldn't have to go to an event or go out with Bible Talk groups to 'share my faith.'
The turning point was in the winter of 1997 when my disciple roommate accused me of lying to her, showing me guilt ridden scriptures to make me repent. Then she reported it to my discipling partner who took me aside at a birthday party to inform me that I was selfish, unspiritual, and a horrible example to younger disciples. When I stoically agreed with her, she lashed into me. She claimed that I showed no remorse for my behavior, that my attitude was unrepentive and that if Jesus was right there in the room, he would be terribly ashamed. I know this sounds all so wierdly comical. I know this sounds like a parent scolding a child, it almost sound like a bad joke even now, but she acted just like a scolding parent. I was also told that it was my kind of behavior that sent people straight to Hell. I was very angry. Knowing that saying anything in my defense was asking for more verbal lashing, I stood there and got angrier which brought on tears, which made me even angrier. I guess tears had been what she had wanted to see because she left me in her bedroom and told me to stay until I had prayed and felt I understood my repentance. This kind of verbal abuse was common but I was very rarely privy to it. I usually had watched others go through it. This time I hated the feeling of being an unworthy child and my discipling partner being the parent.
The climax came when I was given the okay in July to go see my niece get married. My brother is a minister and I wanted to attend his church for the dedication ceromony of my niece. I mentioned it to several close disciples who told me they thought it was not a good idea but to seek leadership advice. I was informed that it would be best to take a disciple date to the wedding so as not to be wrongly influenced by my religious family. I resented that, who were they to tell me what to do with my family?
I went to the wedding and the whole time when I went to the church service, I felt like God was going to strike me dead. I felt silly for feeling that way but it was as if I was looking through a window at these people in my brother's church. I I had been taught for two and half years that my family and people just like those sitting in my brother's congregation were going to Hell. And that if I did not get them to become disciples, when we died I would never see them again. It was all so Hell and brimstone, I was so angry. I stayed very far inside myself when I was there with my family. I could not enjoy the festive event because I was assessing my spiritual health. Was I falling away? Would I really go to Hell for being in my brother's church? Was my family so deluded by the denominational religion that they would go to Hell? Why was I so miserable?
When I got back to New York City, I got ill with a stomach virus. I had been away from social contact with the church for nearly three weeks. It amazed me how many people did not notice my absense. It also amazed me how free I felt, how light and at ease I felt away from the ICC. I began to unconsciencly decide to leave. I consciencly did not acknowledge the decisions that were forming in the back of my mind, even though I was vaguely aware of them.
I do not think I consciencely thought about leaving until the night after I returned from my trip. My disciple roommate decided that I had lied again to her about financial matters on the apartment. She again showed me scary and hell with brimstone like scriptures. She said that she could not trust me anymore and that she got advice from her DP and my DP. It was decided that she would have to leave the apartment, even though she said she did not want to leave. But she was moving in with someone who basically lived at my place all the time. They were moving in with a third disciple woman right across the street from me. My roommate even showed me her window from my apartment window.
By this time, I had begun asking on the Internet and making contacts about the ICC. I found tons of literture and past members who had been 'kicked out' of the ICC, some of who I knew. They told very similar stories on how they became members and how they left the organization. I had spent more than two years studying the Bible with people, selling the ICC, and trying to get people to believe that the ICC was 'the one true church,' when I really never believed it myself. I had spent all that time but had never studied about the organization itself, where it really came from and why. I always had investigated companies I had worked for, even clubs in college, but I had never thought of gathering information about a church. I found so much information! So many people who could relate around the world. I emailed people and they emailed me with more information and stories that I starved to know. I had at one point a New York City telephone book size amount of paper sitting on my kitchen table with information about the ICC from at least 200 sources, some of which were moderate Christian publications. They all said the same thing, the ICC was a cult. But I still did not believe it until much later.
That was the most wonderful and scary day, September 1, 1997. But it was the first day I became an individual again. It made me happy to know that God had delivered me. The only thing is now, I am leary about going back to church, ANY church. I do not want to be in the same situation. It feels too soon. I know in time I will go back. I hope to go to a service somewhere soon. But I feel such an all consuming hypocrisy surrounding most churches. I just do not know how much I believe in the people that make up a community in a church. I have not lost my faith in God but in people. I almost lost my faith in God but prayer has kept it alive. Now I just need to learn to trust in people again. I know it will not be easy but I do believe that God is in control and He allowed me to go through this to teach me something valuable.
To the reader who can relate to everything you have read: No matter if you have left yet or are thinking about it or whatever stage you are in, know that you are not alone. Know that you can make it. Know that there are many others who have been where you are at and lived through it and learned. I sum up my experience with this quote: "Never regret! If it's good, its wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience that is well worth having. It warns you not to do it again." God Bless!
Return to Treasures & Jars of Clay
Return to Treasures & Jars of Clay
365+ Days Later...(How I felt 1 year later)
Excellent Site to Help in the Recovery from the ICC
"Quotes" by the leadership of the I.C.C.
Links to other ex-ICC sites on the Web:
R.E.V.E.A.L. - ICC info.
Light & Darkness - ICC info.
A New York City based discussion and support group those who have had experiences with the ICC - family & friends are welcome!
The Nation's only residential treatment facility for recovering cult victims
Online Community for Former Members of the ICOC
Excellent Recovery Site providing information on the ICC
� 1997 - 2004 [email protected]
Get your own Free Home Page