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My I.C.C. Experience: My Story

Introduction

Early On...

Dating & Daily Living

Manipulation Begins

Introduction

I was a member of New York Church of Christ from February 17, 1995 until September 1, 1997. It has taken me six months to write this down. I have wanted to write about my story from the very beginning but when I left, I was so angry and so hurt, I might even say bitter, that most things I wrote down, I never completed. I was full of so many emotions, I felt I had cut off most of my life for over two years. Every range of emotion left me mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted. Even though, I had plenty of friends, family and Right Side Up! support. (Right Side Up! is a support group and newsletter discussing issues about the ICC.) I felt alone and isolated from the world around me. I felt like no one really understood how I felt even though, I knew many did. I had to heal. It has taken me six months to heal enough to write about my experience in the International Churches of Christ.

First of all, I know there are many people who will read this or hear about people being in a cult, controlling organization and/or church and think that these people are crazy. Foremost, people who become involved with churches like the ICC are not insane. Sanity is what can be taken away after becoming a member but the truth is, I know that the people I left behind are not insane. Most I know are not malicious or weak-minded or intially manipulative. They, like myself, wanted only to become a part of a church family that was dedicated to the Bible.

I was raised southern Baptist, somewhat traditional. My brother is a minister in the south and my father in the church I was raised in, is a deacon. Both parents are Christians, I was raised with a strong and powerful faith in God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy (Ghost)Spirit.

Both my parents are singers. I am both a singer and musician. I grew up traveling throughout the south, singing in churches, playing piano for my parents, choirs and singing in choirs. With my travels, I became very familiar with all kinds of churches, denominations, religious politics, etc. I enjoyed learning about how people did things but one thing I found out was people could very easily overlook the true purpose of Christianity: Love. Loving one another can be very, very difficult and I found plenty of people in churches over the years who did not know how to love.

The hypocrisy of that and other things led me to believe less and less in denomination and more and more in the Bible. When a church starts resembling a political structure, with serious political agendas, I believe they have or they are on the road to losing their true purpose. At the time I joined the I.C.C., its structure resembled to me the kind of church I always envisioned, minus the political agendas and hypocrisies. But as the old saying goes, 'Time brings many hidden things to light.'

I had been having doubts about being a part of the church for months but I kept praying it away, assuming that Satan was attacking me. I had asked tons of advice about falling away, why people did it, what could have happened to them and their heart; why we, as members of God's Modern Day Movement, never talked to those "lost souls" anymore. I can now admit that all my inquiries were a smoke screen for my personal concerns on leaving the church. I was lying to others as well as myself, in the hopes of trying to find the truth. I truly wanted to know the truth about leaving the church, not just finding an easy solution or answers to my questions. My lies were twisted but the truth stares back at you, whether you realize what you are staring at or not. I wanted to make the ICC okay. I wanted the illusion that brought me into its folds to be real but it was not real. And due to the fact that asking direct questions in the ICC can cause too many waves, it took me months to realize the truth.

I had been living in New York City for about a year or a bit more, when I was "met" by an incredible couple near my home. They were multi-racial couple, extremely friendly in a town of strangers, and I felt immediately welcomed into their lives. I loved the way they balanced their lives between God, church, friends, family, and career. It all seemed like a very effortless, well-organized machine, flowing easily for them. They were not fanatical or wierd. Their home did not have religious icons. There was no mention of God every other sentence. I was attracted to their discipline and attitude. I wanted a mentor-like friendship. They were more then happy to take the job. I soon found out why.

Looking for a church in New York City had proven to be very daunting. I had had several not-so-friendly experiences with trying to find a House of Worship. So when the couple asked if I wanted to go to their church, thinking nothing of their invitation, I happily accepted.

The church service was incredible, full of every nationality, age, color and economic background. There were funky kids from Greenwich Village and there were classy Park Avenue-type people dressed in Sunday attire. I saw people who appeared on television and on Broadway. I saw enough to make me want to learn more about the church. But I didn't learn more about the organization. After church that cold day in January, I was asked to study the bible. Five women from professional backgrounds, ranging from a professional run-way model to a Dow scientist started teaching me, a southern Baptist raised woman about the Bible. Most of what we studied, I knew and agreed with. But then came "The Kingdom Study." This had to do with the church's belief that if you were not a member of "The Kingdom" or International Churches of Christ (ICC/ICOC), then you were going to Hell. (The ICC denys they teach this to the media.)

I can not tell you what at that time convinced me to agree to the ICC being 'the kingdom' but I did, and I got baptized 3 weeks after being "met" by this couple.

Early On...

I had really no regrets at first. It was like joining a sorority or fraternity. There was an inside culture, language, and buzz words. Everyone hugged and were super friendly. You felt instantly loved. A newly baptized member got a lot of attention from members, especially leaders. I found myself surrounded, almost cocooned by the women who studied the Bible with me. They became my closest 'best friends.' I was praised a lot and told that I had tons of potential to lead in "God's Modern Day Movement."

In my little 'cocoon,' or Bible Talk, all of the women were married. I also got to know their husbands and children. Because I love children, I got to baby-sit a lot -- gladly -- for no money, other than a cab-fare home. I became very close with my bible talk group.

Dating & Daily Living

It took me six months but gradually, I began noticed that there was a way to do everything, a definite pattern. Dating, friendships, who you lived with and what you did every day was quietly and sternly governed by ICC members. At first, I thought nothing of this. Everyone always spoke of 'guidance, advice, and being open.' This is what they told me I was suppose to do and they had Biblical scripture to back everything up. No matter what I believed in my heart, conscience, and mind, there were always certain scriptures that shut me up and made me submit.

One of the most curious things in the church is dating. Dating is required and everyone dates. Even married couples take time out to date one another (which frankly, I think is a good idea.) But the dating process in the church can be downright maddening, frustrating and draining.

Most people date because they either find someone attractive or something really great about a person. In the church, dating was only way the opposite sex could hang out together without it being a 'struggling sexual issue.' Otherwise, women stayed pretty much with the women and men with the men. If you found someone attractive, chances are you were not going to be able to date because it was always about a spirituality not about being attracted to one another. Attraction was considered worldly and not important. Leaders had a tendency to steer people, particular potential leaders, with each other; almost a kind of arranged relationship and in some special cases arranged marriage.

I dated alot in the beginning, I was always being set up by my discipling partner or by other members. But I noticed at once, it had nothing to do with whether he liked me or not. It was about "encouraging one another," which sounds nice. But when in one month, I dated 4 different guys, and every Saturday I was double dating with new people, I established no real friendships and relationships outside my Bible Talk group. Nothing could possibly be established to grow into anything. I never went out with a man because I wanted to, I was obligated to go out and "give or encourage the brother." If I chose not to go out with someone based on non-spiritual things, like for example exhaustion, I was being selfish, not giving and un-Christ-like.

The leadership decides when a disciple is ready to go to the next level in the dating game, 'going steady.' Going steady is defined the same as it was back in the 1950's, one is not going out every weekend with someone new. The couple is allowed to date up to twice a week, even though it is not encouraged to date more than once a week; talking to each other on the phone regularly but not too often, and absolutely NO sexual contact. All aspects of the relationship is governed by each person's Discipling Partner and in some cases, married couples disciple dating couples, especially if the couple desires to get married. In some cases, most extreme cases, couples never kiss or hold hands and engagement or marriage. If they do kiss it is only a slight peck and no level of 'making out' is ever allowed or tolerated. If couples do make out or have sex, they are made to break up and not have any contact with each other.

I never had the opportunity or desire to go steady but my roommate did. I watched her experience firsthand and I must say it was something I am glad I NEVER went through. She was in a relationship with a brother who she really liked and loved but one day, they took their kissing a little too far. The leaders found out and they were immediately reprimanded. There was a lot of guilt, tears and finger pointing involved. Bottomline, they never got back together because leaders convinced them that 'their relationship was not God-like and inspiring to other disciples.' The brother would call and talk to me because he was not allowed to talk to her. He would ask me about how she was doing in life and spiritually so that he could pray for her. I know he loved her deeply and it really hurt him that he had to let her go. I remember thinking at the time that they were both crazy to allow others to dictate to them what they thought God wanted.

I use to often wonder how one could cut off your desires for the opposite sex but I remember one Discipling Partner telling me that she prayed for God to eliminate her sexual drive and desires. She got her wish, she told me she hardly ever struggled with lust. I asked her if she was afraid that when she got married she would have trouble with getting her desires back. She informed me that God would give them back to her. I should explain that it preached to married couples that when a woman got married, the woman could never say no to sex. A man was told the same thing but I only heard about the wife's point of view regularly. The reason a woman could not say no to her husband about sex was it could cause 'Satan to use the wife's unsubmissive attitude to make her husband wander away from God's kingdom, into the arms of a worldly woman.' (I use to really struggle with that one!)

In dating and in the way the church was led, brothers always lead, sisters were to encourage and be submissive. Sisters could lead sisters. This was especially so in leadership and marriage.

Some of the dates were nice but mostly I struggled with the idea of this is not a "date," its an obligation; an obligation that I knew, chances were, would never be about real chemistry and attraction. Never really be about getting to know someones heart and mind. Dating was a chore and in most cases you knew you were not going to date that "brother/sister" again.

While on the date, sometimes it was a game to see how many people one could recruit for next day Sunday service. Talk about pressure!

Relationships in general were governed many times by whether a person's spiritual health was good and at what spiritual level you were at. If you were a baby Christian, you only dated and hung out with people who were spiritually older and stronger. If a member was spiritually weak, they were watched and preached to (oops!) encouraged often.

Manipulation Begins

Scriptures soon meant all kinds of things that originally I had never known them to mean. I found myself being taught some things I knew, but mostly I was taught things that made me second guess myself constantly. I could not make any choices on my own, I always had to seek advice. At first this seemed like a good idea. But overtime, I began to realize how much of my personal freedom, particularly freedom of thought, I was giving over to others. I could not make vacation plans, go on a date, go to the doctors or even something small as movie plans without consulting someone,usually my Discipling Partner.

About six months after becoming a member, with my lease coming up for renewal, my non-member roommate, *Robin(we had been roommates in college, we were and are still best friends) and I decided not to renew but to move into a bigger apartment. Robin was studying the Bible but I knew she was not truly interested. At first, members told me I could add a member to my household, to help 'encourage' *Robin's decisions on becoming a disciple. Then, when it became very clear that Robin was not truly interested in studying the Bible with the church, they told me that Robin was not the type of spiritual person I needed to live with. They pointed out how Robin would feel when Bible studies would be in the house or when members would come around. They made me see how uncomfortable Robin would feel, how left out she would be, and how it was perfect for Satan to use her to weaken me. All of it sounded like it made sense, especially when there were scriptures in my face. I moved out, and found a new place but within two months, they had found a member for me to live with.

When you moved in with a member, your life took on a whole new perspective. They 'helped' you not 'struggle' with outside influences, such as old friends, family and sexual struggles. It was like a buddy system in your household. There was no such thing as privacy. If you demanded it, your roommate could suggest to your group leaders that you were 'struggling with sin', for example, selfishness. The goal was to have your house as a haven to members who wanted to hang out, study with perspective recruits, personal and group Bible study time.

This limited your time to be idle but in reality it limited you from thinking for yourself or about yourself. There was rarely free-time. And when free-time was available, I was told over and over again that as a single woman I should "dedicate all of my time to recruiting people into the kingdom of God." There was times when I only got 4 hours (or less) of sleep because I had had a 'disciple party' in my house most of the night. This happened more times than not. And I always felt guilty when I did not feel like participating or I crept off to try to get some sleep in MY HOUSE. Feeling guilty about displeasing God (when in reality it was about pleasing members around me) was the main way to get to me. Pleasing God was my goal, but I started more and more pleasing people because this was the way to become more disciplined, more disciple-like. I was told, "Imitate the leaders!" They were like Jesus in the way they pushed past their exhaustion and selfish attitudes. It was a bizarre and tiring cycle.

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